Like... Last July

Jeff took a slow breath and was surprised his father didn't start talking. "Now, as far as taking responsibility for my life and actions, I think I'm doing that. I'm talking to you now about it. If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't tell you anything. I'm not married. I don't have a family, I mean, you know, no wife, no kids. I guess I'm too young for that, but I have myself and I'm being responsible to myself."

Jeff thought he was doing a good job of verbalizing a lot of stuff he hadn't really thought all the way through. He met his father's eyes. "Look, Dad, I know I'm only eighteen, okay? I don't know everything, I know I probably have a lot to learn about life... about everything, but... but I really believe and really feel joining the Marines is the absolute best thing for me to do right now. I think... I think in the long run it will be good for... well for me and for... for maybe everyone."

Pam quickly wiped the tears from her eyes again. Oh dear god NO!

It started to hit Steve that his son had actually signed a binding contract. "Jeff, you never had to worry about money for school. I told you..."

Jeff interrupted, "Dad, I know that, and... and I may not have really said it, but I appreciated it a lot, but it's not about the money at all." He let a small smile appear. "I would have kept track and paid you back, you know, even though it might have taken a while." Jeff was shocked to see his father's eyes begin to tear up. He had never seen him cry in his entire life, not even at Mom's funeral. He suddenly seemed very old to Jeff. "Dad, look... I..." He stopped talking because his father abruptly stood and walked out of the dining room. He heard the patio door in family room slide open and then close. He looked at Pam. Tears were falling from her eyelashes.

Pam sniffled and wiped her nose with her napkin. "Go to him, Jeff... go out there." She couldn't stop her face from scrinching up nor stop her tears from falling faster. "Go... go out to him." Why?! Why did he do something so crazy?! It's me! He's doing it to get away from me! It's all MY fault!

Jeff wanted to take her in his arms, not talk to his father. He pushed his chair back, stood and took a step towards her.

Pam held up her hand. "G-go to your dad." She started sobbing. She rose from her chair and ran to the powder room.

What the fuck is going on?! Jeff looked at the foyer and thought about following Pam. He took a quick breath and knew he couldn't follow her with Dad home. He angrily shoved his chair towards the table and headed to the family room. He saw Dad standing by the pool. He pulled the sliding door open stepped outside and walked up to him. His father was wiping his eyes and then his nose with a folded white handkerchief. Why is everyone acting so fucking crazy?! Jeff took a slow deep breath. He figured he should just cut Dad some slack. What did it matter? He put his hand on his father's shoulder. "Dad, I guess... well... I'm sorry I've disappointed you so much."

"Ahh... dammit, Jeff, you haven't disappointed me... ever. I was just thinking how.... how lousy a father I've been to you. I can see why you didn't come to me for advice."

Jeff spoke without thinking. "You haven't been a lousy father, you're a terrific dad." Jeff realized he wasn't really sure what the definition of 'terrific dad' was, but knew his father wasn't one. He guessed Dad was just average. He withdrew his hand from his father's shoulder.

Steve looked at his son. "C'mon, Jeff, we know that's...." he forced a small smile, "I guess in Marine jargon, they'd call that 'bullshit.'" He chuckled at his own joke but didn't think it was funny. He gazed at the pool again. "I know I should have been around more, both for you and your mother. I... I let the job take over my damn life, and now... hell, now you're suddenly a man and.... and you don't need a father. I... I don't agree with your decision at all but... I didn't mean to imply that you were some stupid kid just now. I'm... I'm sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it." Jeff put both his hands in the pockets of his baggy shorts. He tried to remember if his father had ever said he was sorry before to anyone. There hadn't been a time, not to Pam, and not to Mom either.

Steve still looking at the water shook his head. "Let's sit down, okay?"

"Sure." They sat on the cushioned chaises. Jeff remembered sitting together with Pamela in the very same chair, his arms around her, her back against his chest, his lips kissing her temple as they talked softly.

Steve glanced at his son for a moment, then stared again at the water in the pool. "We rarely talk about your mother, but... I think she'd be very upset right now, yet she'd also be very proud of you. She always was. You know all those wrestling matches, football games and Little League games I only caught parts of, or missed completely? Well, I really didn't miss them in a way. Your mother would give me a play by play, minute by minute description when I got home." He sighed. "Ahhh... god... I miss her so much sometimes. I..." He felt himself choking up again and waited a moment to continue. "I... I really did... love her, Jeff, but... but looking back, I can see that she loved me a hundred, a thousand times more."

Again Steve felt his throat tightening. He pulled out his handkerchief and wiped his eyes quickly. "I guess... I guess I never told her very often how I felt about her. I guess I thought putting in all that time at the office told her, but... but it didn't, not really. And... and I know I never... never really showed or told you how much I care about you... and how proud I am of you, and... that... that I... I love you. I hope you know I do, son."

Jeff mind was filled with images of his mother, how loving she had been and what a jerky kid he had been to her. He knew what he had to say, knew what Mom would want him to say right now. "I... I love you too, Dad." The words made him feel guilty to his core as visions of his wonderful mother were replaced with different wonderful visions of Pamela. What would Mom think? How could I have done it?

Two minutes of awkward silence ensued until Steve broke it. "So..." He cleared his throat. "So when exactly are you going off to basic training?"

"There'll be a travel day, that's on Tuesday right after Labor Day, then boot camp starts the following day, Wednesday. I don't remember the exact dates, just that it's the day after Labor Day. I think I'll be going to Parris Island, but the recruiter wasn't absolutely sure. It might be San Diego."

"What will you be doing? I mean after boot camp. I've seen those TV commercials, saying you can select an area of concentration, you know, the work you'll be doing." How could he have been so fucking stupid?!

Jeff didn't want to tell him. "I'm not sure. They give you a bunch of aptitude tests and... well, to tell ya the truth, I don't think any military branch is all that honest about those specialty areas."

"So... you mean like if you choose communications, you might end up in the infantry as a radio operator?"

Jeff grinned and looked at his father. "Yeah, you got it."

He looked at his son. He was and always had been proud of Jeff but again wished he would have talked the decision over with him. He wondered if he would have been able to change his son's mind. It was obvious Jeff wasn't totally naive but he still seemed so damn young. Steve suddenly had a sinking feeling as he reviewed the history of his son's life. He had been on the small size for football, yet the few times he had seen him play, he had been one of the toughest kids on the team, in on nearly every tackle. He had been a tough wrestler too, from what he had heard from Mary. "You... you're thinking about doing something... tough... challenging, aren't you?"

He had never noticed his father being perceptive before. "I don't know, maybe."

"Jeff?"

"Yeah?"

"Whatever you choose or...or they have you doing, you... you just damn well better come back home sound of mind and body."

"Dad, I told you, there's hardly any Marines in Afghanistan."

Steve's jaw tensed but he didn't want to repeat the argument they just had. There would be no purpose in it now. "Promise me. Promise me you won't do anything..." he was about to say dangerous and knew it would be ridiculous to say that to a marine. "...anything stupid. Don't think that war is like some video game, or... or one of those old war movies where the hero always lives and gets the girl."

"Yeah, Dad, I know. I've seen 'Saving Pvt. Ryan' a couple times. And there isn't any girl to get." A vision of Pamela nude in bed with him flashed in his mind.

"Jeff, I have no experience at all with the military or war, but my guess is that war is much worse than even what was portrayed in that film. Don't go into this having some crazy notion about being some hero. The only heroes are the ones who die, and maybe they aren't heroes either, they're just the unlucky ones. I don't want you to be some name chiseled into some goddamn war monument." He looked at his son. "Promise me. Promise me you'll come back safe and sound.

"Jeez... Dad, come on."

"Promise me."

"Okay, yeah, I promise, but you have nothing to worry about."

Steve looked into his son's eyes and saw Jeff didn't think there was any danger awaiting him. Steve hoped he was right. "Okay, let me have it."

"What do you mean?"

"What area, what specialty are you going to try for?"

Jeff debated whether to tell the truth. He decided to and if Dad got pissed, that was his father's problem. He then decided to fudge his answer a bit and leave off the first word. "Recon."

"Is that... does that mean reconnaissance?

Jeff felt himself stepping back from the total truth. "Yeah, reconnaissance."

"So, what is that? Looking at aerial photos, satellite photos? That sort of thing?"

Jeff took a giant step back from the truth. "Well... I'm not exactly sure yet, yeah... it could mean something like that I guess."

They heard the patio door slide open. Steve turned and saw Pam walking towards them with two bottles of beer in her hands. He smiled and raised his voice a bit, "How did you know I was thirsty?"

"I thought you both might be." Pam motioned one bottle towards the back of Jeff's chair. Steve's brow pinched for a moment and then he nodded slightly and smiled again. Pam walked up in front of them. She handed one bottle to him and held the other out to Jeff.

Jeff reached for the proffered bottle and then stopped. He looked at Pam's face. Her eyes looked puffy and it seemed she had touched up her minimal makeup. "Pam, that's a beer."

Steve took a drink from his bottle. "Take it, son. I'm sure you've had a few before. It's the least we can do for a marine. Just that one though. Pam, why don't you go and... listen, you sit, I'll get you something. What? Another glass of wine?"

Both Jeff and Pam looked at him. It was the first time he had offered to do something like that for her in a very long time.

Pam said, "Don't you two want to be alone?"

Both Jeff and Steve simultaneously said, "No." All three of them chuckled.

Steve said, "We already had an... an overdue conversation, Pam." He began to rise. "So, what would you like to drink?"

"Oh... thanks for asking but, you sit. I'll get it and be back. Are you sure you want me to join you two?" She looked back and forth between Steve and Jeff.

Father and son looked at each other then said together, "Yes, we're sure." Everyone laughed briefly again.

"Silly boys." Pam walked back to the house. Maybe everything will be okay. She thought it was odd considering what had happened a couple months ago, but for the first time since marrying Steve, she felt they were a family. She hoped it would last, but knew it wouldn't. Tomorrow she'd wake and still want to be beside Jeff not Steve. As she pulled the patio door open, she felt tears rising again. Please God, please keep him safe and bring him back unharmed. Please, God, please.

Steve watched Pam enter the family room. He turned around and sipped his beer. "Jeff, I don't mean to compare it at all to what it was with your mother, so don't misunderstand me, but you and Pam and me, well, we're... we're a family."

A minute ago Jeff had felt it too, but the sensation had lasted only a moment. He knew when she returned, he'd want her to sit on the chaise with him as she had in June, lean her back against his chest, talk softly together, kiss her hair and her ears, just as he had done then. He'd want to feel again how it seemed just as intimate to be with her like that as it did making love with her. He knew he'd never stop wanting that, or her, or all of it with her. He'd always feel the same, love her the same years from now, maybe the rest of his life. He also realized she'd never change her mind about choosing to remain his father's wife, yet he would always hope she would. Joining the Marines had been the right decision.

Steve stared at the water and started thinking about the new acquisition the corporation was considering. A small avionics company that had some new gadget in the development stage. He smiled. Maybe he'd be involved with the military soon too.

Jeff took a swig from his bottle. "Yeah, Dad. I guess your right."

"Huh? About what?"

"The... the family thing."

"Oh... yeah." Steve took another pull of beer wishing it was a scotch. He liked drinking a little Black Label when he was making plans regarding a new acquisition. He heard the patio door slide open. He didn't turn to look at Pam but kept gazing at the water, plotting strategy about the possible takevoer. He didn't think anything about Jeff looking back then getting off the chaise and offering it to her.

* * *

EPILOGUE

Jeff bounced in the shotgun seat as the Humvee hit a deep rut at 40 mph. His helmet banged against the roof. He yanked his body armor vest away from his neck. His shirt was damp with sweat. The vehicle dipped hard into another pothole. He heard Greg start cursing again.

"What the motherfuck is fuckin' LT fuckin' doin'! This isn't the fuckin' highway! We're in a fuckin' town! Can't that stupid motherfucker see this isn't the fucking goddamn motherfucking highway?! We should've hit it at least six fuckin' clicks back!" Greg gripped the steering wheel tighter.

They had already taken brief small arms fire twice. No one had much confidence in the new lieutenant. They hadn't stopped comparing him to Lieutenant Louis. "Louie Lou" would never have gotten lost like this. He had been tough but he had taken care of them. Whenever they had been in deep shit, he had gotten them out every time. They had always accomplished their missions, in the initial stages of the war it had usually been "lighting up" buildings and bunkers for smart bombs, later it had been mostly a pathfinding role. They had done it without losing a man too, except once, and that man was Louie Lou himself.

The new lieutenant had been with them for two weeks. He had told them he was a "hard charger" and wanted to lead hard charging men. They had lost four men already, two KIA, two "kee-ahs," and then Gunny Jackson and Buck had been fucked up bad. Buck might never walk again. They were still waiting for three more replacements.

Jeff knew they were all nervous, probably scared shitless. Maybe that was why he couldn't stop himself from laughing. He glanced at Greg. "Swear much?"

With his face a mixture of fear and anger, Greg turned his head and looked at his friend's profile for a moment. Jeff was grinning. He looked ahead again and broke into a grin too. "I don't curse hardly fucking at all, you cunt lickin' little motherfucker."

Jeff shook his head. "Where the fuck is he going?"

"If he leads us into a goddamn dead end, I'm gonna drive this motherfuckin' Hummer right up his goddamn stupid fuckin' tight Annie Apple-less asshole!"

Jeff chuckled and continued scanning all the rooftops, looking into the doors and windows too. He kept his eyes gazing ahead as he shouted to Tom in back, "Is Billy keepin' up?!"

"Yeah, Billy is! But there's too much dust to see that fuckin' tag along eight ton! It's gotta be back there or Billy would'a radioed!"

Jeff sat straighter. "Shit! Two hadjies on the right! At the intersection, on the roof, light weps!" He grabbed the mike of the newly issued compact radio, keyed it and reported it to the other vehicles.

As he started to stand Tom fell against the side of the car. He shouted, "FUCK! We're bouncin' too much! I won't hit shit with the fifty unless we slow down or fuckin' stop!" He bumped his helmet against the roof as he stood and grabbed the grips of the roof mounted fifty caliber machine gun. He poked his head up through the circular opening then crouched down into the car again. "Slow the fuck down!" He raised his head through the opening and swiveled the machine gun into position. He began firing.

Greg yelled, "WE AIN'T SLOWIN'!"

"Do you copy?" Jeff waited a moment then keyed the radio again, "Two bogies on right roof at intersection. Small arms. Do you copy?!" He heard garbled responses. He dropped the mike. The new radio was a piece of crap. He leaned out the window and tried to aim his M-16. The two irregular enemy combatants dropped down and started firing at the lead vehicle. It swerved to the center of the city street. As Tom finally started hitting the building at the intersection, so did the fifty on the lieutenant's Humvee. A moment later Billy's gunner opened up. Clouds of stucco and concrete exploded on the face of the structure but none of the rounds got close to the two men on the flat roof. Jeff tried his best and fired on full auto in five second bursts. He saw the two men get up and run out of sight. A grenade exploded in the intersection but not close enough to the lieutenant's vehicle to cause any damage.

Greg shouted, "Now what the fuck is that goddamn idiot doin'?!"

Jeff pulled his head inside. He saw the LT's Humvee making a sharp left turn onto the intersecting street. Luckily it was as wide was the one they were on. "I believe he's hard charging, leading us directly to the highway!" Despite his fear he smiled briefly at his lame joke.

Greg growled, "Then he fuckin' should'a pulled a U-ey!" He added sarcastically, "Ya think he might be fuckin' lost?!"

Jeff pulled his arms back into the vehicle. Greg didn't slow much to make the turn which tilted the Humvee dramatically. When they were on the intersecting street, he and Greg became wide eyed. About a hundred meters down the street was a line of burning tires. They couldn't see past the smoke screen.

"Fuck."

"Shit."

"I knew that motherfucker would fuck us! Fuckin' Annie Apple-less motherfucking gung-ho shithead!" Greg took a quick breath. "Tom! Stay on the fifty!"

"I'm on it!"

They all knew it was lucky the street wasn't narrow and they could still make a U turn. If they had to make a three point to turn around, or even worse, if they stopped to check ahead first, they'd be more likely to get nailed. They also knew that if they went through the curtain of smoke they had no idea what was on the other side to greet them and could easily get nailed just as badly. If the street suddenly narrowed, normally their best option was to slam on the brakes and then floor it in reverse. With the radios malfunctioning that didn't seem a very good choice, especially with the tag along eight ton following. The three young men were thinking they still might very well be totally fucked. All three had an urge to yell -- Screw the fucking LT! Let's turn around now! The lieutenant's vehicle wasn't slowing.