Little Mistakes Ch. 1

"Dear Journal Girl,

Life sucks good bye forever"

That's how I should write it; short, sweet, and to the point, right? Well, wrong I've never been accused of being short and to the point, I am long winded in my suffering. So here goes the real writing.

"Dear Journal,

I have been on this planet for all of 17 yrs, and ever since I've grown out of my childhood it's been nothing but pain. To have to fake happiness one more day is impossible. No matter how deep the razor cuts it never seems enough anymore.

Tonight is the night I shuffle off this mortal coil and lay myself down for internal sleep. I hope you understand that this will be the last night I write in you, for I will be nothing more."

There that sounds much better doesn't it? It's all true I feel like there's not a single person I'm close to these days, but oh well that's history. No ones home and that's what helps make this perfect. Moms at one of her self-help mountain retreats and as for Dad he's probably spending the night with his secretary or other mistress. Typical upper middle class American family, huh?

I was at a party earlier tonight and I figured it was time to go when one of the guys caught me playing with a carving knife. He was too wasted to realize I had it biting into my flesh. He just made some comment about girls that play with knives. And I made some joke about girls that dance with death. All in all the night sucked more then I could imagine.

Well, here I am in my sky blue panties sitting cross legged on the toilet seat. I'm on the heavy side, a size 16, plain face, plain hazel eyes, plain brown hair, nothing outstanding, although I am somewhat curvy, any way that's not the point. The point is I'm sitting on a toilet seat with an exzacto knife in one hand and starring at my left arm. I'm going to cut wrist to elbow vertically, should do the trick. But wait I want to get some practice cuts in first. You know so I can make it perfect. I cut the side of my arm three times horizontally, the second cut was the deepest. For about a minute I was mesmerized by my own blood falling into the sink, nothing else existed at that moment. I was in a trance I didn't even feel any pain, it was like I was floating away from my body. Drip...Drip...Drip...Drip. Strangely symbolic my dance with death. I had a little to drink at the party and my adrenaline was pumping from cutting myself and the knowledge that this was my last night, it all made my head spin (a little too much).

I was getting a little dizzy, I don't know if I was going to pass out before I got the job done. Then the next thing I feel in my back, man I'm really out of it. Then I hear my name being screamed over and over in a piercing yell. "Leah! Leah! Leah!" over and over, then punctuated with "Open this god damn door!" Every third time my name was called. I was going to make a comical joke about moving towards the light since I was obviously hallucinating by now. The bathroom door flew open and I know I cant be hallucinating that.

Lydia Glashow, the only real friend I have, was standing in the door way. Her dark brown eyes flashed angry and panicked and her long black hair was ruffled like a scared kittens fur. Not only did she look scared she looked pissed, at first I thought this was just part of the hallucination since no words where being said for a long moment.

"God damn it! I knew it, I should have never had let you leave that party alone." She walked into the bath room and I scooted back as if I was trying to disappear from sight. I realize what a sight I am with blood dripping from my arm, half nude, looking something like death warmed over. Suddenly I was self conscious about the how scene.

"Lydia I'm sorry... You weren't supposed to be here." I say in a small weak voice.

"Yeah right like I'm going to stay at some stupid party when Mike tells me what you where doing before you left to go home. News flash I knew you where home alone, I just didn't think you where going to do this, this soon. But when I realized the front door was unlocked well it all falls in to place so they say." Lydia grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my arm.

"I wish I could say that I'm happy to see you, but I'm not happy to see you Lid's. Some times I wish you would just mind your own business." I tried to pull away from her motherly touch.

"I know, but lets hope that you will change your mind on that someday. Now come on, stand up." The tone of her voice told me I better not argue, so I stood up. And watched her pensively. She turned on the shower and let it run for a few long seconds. "Well, I didn't turn on the shower because I like to hear the water running."

"Wha.. what? You don't expect me to take a shower right now?"

"Yes, I do, its part of getting you cleaned up and put to bed, I will shove you into the shower if I have to." We changes places, she sat down on the toilet seat and I stood next to the bathtub.

"Is this really necessary?"

"Yes, look at it this way, you just put me through hell, and now its my turn."

"I hate you." I sigh peal off my last thread of dignity and jump into the shower.

"I know you hate me now but you'll love me in the morning." Lid yelled. I think I actually screamed when the water hit my wounds, but I never did cry. It was probably the fastest shower in my whole life, it probably only lasted about 3 minutes, enough to wash away the blood, when I got out Lid was no longer there. I really didn't care, I knew she was somewhere and I wasn't to eager to go seek her out. I wrapped my self in a fluffy towel and headed for my room, my arm was still bleeding a little bit. Lid was sitting on my bed with a first aid kit on her lap.

"Sit. Lets see if I'm able to be come a doctor in my future, you will be my ginny pig, and do try not to scream it distracts me and ruins my concentration."

"You're sadistic." I say dryly and sit down next to her.

"No, I'm realistic." She did a pretty good job on doctoring my wounds, it hurt like a son of a gun though. I had to clench my teeth to keep from crying out. "There all done." Lids said in a fake cheery voice.

"You know that really hurt."

"Yeah and well who's fault is that? I really don't think its mine."

"Are you going to spend the night?"

"You bet your ass I am, I cant afford to have you try this again when I'm not here. Don't give me that look."

"Well, then avert your eyes because I'm going to change." I got up and walked over to my dresser.

"Oh please." Lids sighed and rolled her eyes, next thing I knew she was taking off her shirt and pants. Lids is very pretty, petite and curvy, it seems that all guys fall for her. I put on a par of underwear and a bra (when in Roam). The whole day was catching up to me and I was drained, yawning I got into bed and laid down.

"I really screwed up tonight didn't I? I'm so stupid." I whispered closing my eyes. I felt Lids lay down next to me and turned on her side facing me.

"You're not stupid, you did do a stupid thing though, and everyone does stupid things every now and again."

"Yeah but not you, you're the most level headed person I know." I turned on my side so we where face to face, she smiled, it was beautiful.

"Dear I thank you for your faith in my perfectness, but its false faith, I've done my share of stupid things." She reached over and tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear tenderly. "Remember Cassidy?"

"Yes, I liked Cassidy, she was very nice. I really think she was the one for you."

"Yes, well, so did I. I really thought that she was my soul mate and that scared me and I screwed it up."

"How?"

"Well, remember that party at Forrest's house."

"Yeah that was like two months ago, I skipped that party."

"Wish I had. I was three sheets to the wind by the end of the night and I slept with Ethan, my first time with a guy, thank god I don't remember it. Anyway I told Cassidy what happened and she broke up with me, which is totally understandable."

"I'm sorry Lids I didn't know."

"Yep now you know even I can me stupid, little dove." I was getting really sleepy and snuggled a little closer to Lids for warmth. "Do you want to talk about what's going on inside your cluttered mind?"

"I don't think I could talk about it even if I wanted to Lids."

"Its okay dove, just remember I'm always here for you no matter what." Lids laid an arm over my side.

"Lids is it okay if I tell you something?" I asked half a sleep.

"Yes,"

"I love you Lids, and thank you for stopping me."

"I love you to little dove." She kissed the top of my head and I feel asleep in her arms.