Little Things Ch. 01 of 04

Slamming shut my bedroom door doesn't make me feel much better, either. I try to work on my paper for a few minutes, but in a mood like this, that's a lost cause. So instead I just turn on some music, lay back on the bed, and stew.

I shouldn't really be this irritated -- I know that, somewhere in the back of my mind. He's got a few days here, after all. And beyond that, I'm planning on heading back down with him for the break. There's more than enough time to spare. It's just...fuck, I hate that I'm getting shoved aside for her.

I mean, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He's a guy, which means priority number one is getting laid. Ahead of eating, ahead of sleeping, and certainly ahead of something stupid like family. I'm just not used to thinking of David like that, as just another horny would-be lecher. In my memories he's quiet. Sweet. Thoughtful. People can't stay the same forever, of course, but I hate the thought of the brother I know and love getting stolen away and replaced by a frat boy.

And on the other hand, it certainly doesn't help that I've been single going on six months now, while it feels like April brings home a different guy every other night. I mean, I could do the same thing, if I wanted. If I could act the way she does, without feeling like a total slut. I'm not ugly or anything, even if I don't have quite the body she has. But the whole careless, zero-attachment sex thing doesn't really appeal to me, not anymore. I tried it at one time, in the first wild year of college, of freedom - went home with guys at parties or at clubs, once or twice without even knowing their name. But even when my body found satisfaction, there was a creeping wrongness in the mornings I'd wake up alone or with a stranger in my bed, an emptiness that eventually drove me away from that lifestyle. I need it to mean something, need someone I can talk to, spend time with. So the only bedtime companion I've had in months is the sound of April getting loudly fucked in the room next door.

In fact...past the low melody of the stereo, I can hear a soft, rhythmic squeaking, entirely too familiar. My lips twist in revulsion, and I let out a disgusted little sigh. I don't know if I'm more disappointed in David or angry with April, but the last thing I want right now is to have to listen to the two of them making time together. I turn up the music, hold a pillow to my ear, and try to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better. It almost has to be.

---

Luckily for me, I've always had a talent for falling asleep in unpleasant surroundings. I get a good rest and wake up early the next morning, feeling marginally better about the situation. Still not happy, but it's just...whatever. It's his life, his choice. What do I care?

Ha. Self-deception. Of course I care -- he's my baby brother. But it's not like I can really do anything, other than tease him about his choice of bedmates. For now...well, we've got some leftover batter. I'll make pancakes. A bit of cooking should help to soothe my spirit.

April, to my faint surprise, is the next one up; I'm halfway through frying up a stack when she glides into the kitchen in a fake silk bathrobe, looking like the cat that ate the canary. Takes up position leaning slightly against the wall, a triumphant smirk burning on her lips. I just roll my eyes a little, and take a distant satisfaction in ignoring her. She always wants to spread the news when she's had a good night.

Finally, she elects to speak first, cramming more smug than I would have thought possible into a single word. "So."

"So?" I affect idleness, turning over a pancake.

"Aren't you curious?" I swear, I can practically hear her eyebrow raise.

It's kind of fun, playing dumb. "Curious about what?"

"About how your dear brother stacks up, of course." Casually grabbing one of the finished pancakes from the plate, she rips off a sliver and pops it into her mouth. "I'd figure you'd be dying to know."

"Oh. That." I reply flatly. "Not especially, but I'm sure you'll tell me anyway."

"Probably right." A wolfish grin spreads on her lips. "He's..." And she waits out a long pause, stretching the moment out for cheap effect. "...not bad. Not bad at all, in fact. Probably in the top quarter of all the guys I've been with."

I snort, a bit derisively. "Like you can even remember them all."

"Hey, no shame in doing what you love," she laughs. "Mind you, his technique and his enthusiasm could both do with some improvement. I had to take charge, ride him pretty hard." A feral grin, snickering at her own joke. "But he's got great stamina, and this cute, infectious energy. Like a puppy. Plus, it doesn't hurt that he's got a prick like a billy club."

"Wow, that's..." I groan in disgust. "I really wanted to know the size of my brother's dick. Thanks for that." I flip the next pancake onto the plate; about done, only enough batter left for another one or two.

"Come on." There's an amused and self-indulgent undertone to her words. "You must have seen it before."

"Not since we were little kids, trust me."

"Really?" Her eyebrows waggle about teasingly. "Growing up on a farm, in a small town...I'm sure you did some experimentation."

It's a moment before I realize just what she's implying. "Oh, fuck you, April." I whirl to face her more directly, my lips curling in revulsion. "Just because I lived on a farm, I must have been fucking my brother, is that it?" A little shake of the head, as much scornful as angry. "I'd be insulted if you weren't such an idiot."

She seems genuinely taken aback at my reaction. "Hey, no...it's not the farm thing, not really. Not just that, anyway." A bit of a curious look in her eye. "I mean, I know if I'd had a guy my age around the house when I was growing up, I'd have done just about everything with him."

"No, you wouldn't have." Ridiculous. Maybe only children need to have these things explained to them. "Siblings don't do that, there's no attraction there. You've heard the expression, loving someone 'like a brother,' right? It doesn't mean you're about to spread for him."

"I've heard it," she answers vaguely. Briefly pauses. "So you've really never...?"

"Of course not." My mouth quirks up, bemusement supplanting anger. "Does that really surprise you?"

"Well...yeah, kinda." A quick shrug. "I mean, after he..."

She doesn't finish the sentence, and I raise a questioning eyebrow. "After he what?"

Squinting thoughtfully at me, she's quiet for a time. "I'm not really sure if I should say anything."

I just roll my eyes. "What, now all of a sudden you've discovered restraint? Spill it."

She doesn't take much prodding. "Last night, when we were going at it." Her brown eyes glance into mine, briefly hesitant. "He called me 'Sam.'"

For a few moments I'm speechless. Then I remember who I'm talking to. "Bullshit."

"Hey, you asked." A bit of aggravation creeping into her voice. "Why would I make up something like that?"

"To create some drama?" I retort. "Because you have nothing better to do with your time?"

"Look," her tone rises as I finally strike a nerve, "I know you think I'm wild, but I'm not a liar. I don't just make shit up. He said it."

I say nothing, reluctantly granting the truth of this. April's a lot of things, but I've never known her to be deceptive. Quite the opposite, really; she's too often obnoxious, saying things that would be better kept quiet, even if true.

"I mean, it wasn't like he was doing it all night," she finally adds. "It was just once, when he was, you know, hitting his peak. I don't think he even realized it." A quick snort. "Someone else might have kicked him out of bed. He's lucky I'm so forgiving." A beat passes. "Plus, I'm kind of into that."

I don't even want to ask. "Look," I try to come up with an alternate explanation, "Maybe you just misheard him."

"I don't think so," she shakes her head decisively. "There's not many things a guy says in that situation that sound like 'Sam.' Trust me, I've heard most of them."

"I'll bet," I mutter. Another pause for thought, for another excuse. There has to be one, this is just too... "Wait, of course." I have it. "He was just high. His first time smoking out, he's in a strange place, he's confused..."

April regards me skeptically. "Yeah, I don't know. I've gotten high a lot, and I've never accidentally called out my sister's name during sex."

"You don't have a sister."

"Point remains," she shrugs. "I mean, what exactly are you saying? That he got the two of us confused? That he just happened to be thinking about you while he was fucking me? Is that what you wanna go with?"

I quail, and a grimace crosses my face. I can speak only weakly. "Well, what else..." Not even finishing the sentence. I know what else it could be, but I don't want to say it, don't want to entertain the thought.

"I thought I had it figured out before." As always, April is unbearably candid. "But if the two of you don't already have a thing going on, then maybe he just wants to."

"That's ridiculous," I snap at her. "He's my brother."

She laughs once at my intensity. "Well, I could ask him. That might clear things up pretty quick."

"Don't you fucking dare," I fairly growl. "I swear to god, April, just-"

In the hallway, I hear the catch of a bedroom door opening and fall instantly quiet, glaring April into doing the same. David wanders out a few moments later, yesterday's clothes rumpled and half-buttoned, with a faintly pink tinge to his cheeks. Not looking directly at either of us, his eyes fixed to the feet of the dining room chairs as though they're about to put on a play. No one talks -- but as the seconds tick past, I can hear April start to softly giggle, barely suppressed. God, I feel like smacking her. How can she think this is funny?

"Uh, morning." David finally speaks, awkwardly, turning his eyes up to mine with a sliver of a smile. "Guess I kind of overslept a little. I'm gonna blame it on the drive, I think." His gaze flickers to April, back to me. I still can't think, don't know what to say. I'm just staring at him, like I'm trying to figure out if he's really my brother or an alien wearing his skin. April can't be right. There's no way. He coughs once, uncomfortably, trying to break the silence. "So, uh, what do we do for breakfast?"

"Breakfast!" I blurt it out a bit crazily, my voice unnaturally high. I can do breakfast. "Yeah, that's...I made pancakes." I turn back to the stove, where the last one is beginning to burn on the bottom. "I thought they'd be good, you know...pancakes." Christ, I sound like an idiot.

"Great," he enthuses softly, his nose crinkling up as he grins. Slides up to the counter. "Mom'd kill me for saying it, but I really miss when you used to cook. Always tasted better for some reason."

Behind him, April makes kissy faces at me, and I almost throw the spatula at her. "For god's sake, Ape, get out of here. Don't you have class?"

"Not according to you." She smirks, obviously proud of herself.

I groan, teeth bared in exasperation. "Go. Away."

"All right, all right," she laughs. "I'll let you two get some 'alone time.'" Her casually suggestive tone is only more infuriating. Thankfully, she's actually leaving now -- I stare daggers into her back before getting a plate ready for David.

"What's that all about?" he asks quietly, faintly hesitant.

"Nothing." I give him a smile that feels pasted on, nerves tingling uneasily beneath my skin. "She's just -- hard to deal with, sometimes." Putting his plate before him, I slide into the chair two away from his, uncomfortable now with too much closeness. Fuck, I hope April was just messing with me.

"Yeah," he mutters quietly, his smile briefly flickering. "I think I could see that." And for a while we eat in silence, my thoughts going round in circles. He's acting totally normal. Well, pretty normal. About as normal as I would expect for just having slept with my roommate the night before. It's just me acting weird. So maybe she misheard him after all. I mean, I'd know if my brother had the hots for me, right?

Ugh. I shiver at the thought and glance over at him as he fairly inhales his plate, his breakfast drenched in syrup. He's always been a big eater, and now he has the bulk to justify it. Meanwhile, I'm barely picking at my food; by the time he's finished his second plate I've hardly even gotten through half of my first, and I eventually just push it aside.

The quiet seems inappropriate now. Awkward. Damn it. I stand up again, stalling for time while I think of what to say. He follows, and beats me to my destination. "Thanks for cooking, Sam."

I laugh uneasily. "No problem. I need the practice, anyway. Been getting fast food and stuff too much lately."

He nods sagely, glances away. Swallows once. "Uh, I kinda wanted to-" As he speaks, his hand grasps at mine...but his mouth shuts again when I instinctively flinch away. Immediately I wish I hadn't, seeing the note of hurt in his eye. He's my brother. It's okay if he takes my hand.

He shrugs it off after a moment, starting again. "I kinda wanted to apologize, for yesterday."

"Apologize for what?" My throat feels tight, uncomfortable.

"Well, I..." His hand comes up, fingers running awkwardly through his hair, down the back of his neck. "With your roommate. I was coming here for you, not for her. Then she shows up with that bong of hers, and everything happened so fast, and I guess I kinda just got sucked in." His pupils dart up briefly to the corners of his eyes. "So to speak."

"Don't worry about it," I mutter vaguely. "You're a guy. I understand how it is."

His eyes narrow, and a faintly disappointed frown traces across his lips. "Hey, come on. Don't give me that. I feel like a jerk, and I shouldn't have done it." A quick shake of the head. "I don't even really know why I did. I wish I hadn't. I was just trying to act all cool and mature, you know? But she went way further than I expected, and I didn't know how to back out, and with the marijuana and all, I was feeling..." He sighs unhappily. "Just excuses, I guess. I'm trying to say, I understand why you're mad at me, and I'm sorry. Coming to see you is really important to me, and I feel like I've already screwed it up." And he looks slightly away from me, his mouth set in the shape of regret.

For all the awkward uncertainty of this morning, I feel a warm gladness blossoming in my heart as half a smile takes hold of my lips. Here's the brother I remember -- gentle, thoughtful. And worrying that I'm mad at him. Damn it, why am I listening to anything April says? Even if she's not outright lying, she's probably wrong, or misinterpreting something, or...who knows. It doesn't matter. David matters.

"I'm not mad at you, Davey. I'm mad at her." Doubly so, now, if she'd pressured him into something he didn't really want. I push in for a quick, reassuring hug. Unable to avoid a touch of tension, a heightened awareness of his arms around me, but...everything's fine. It's just a hug, the same as we've always had. Pulling back, I manage a relieved grin. "And getting to see you is really important to me, too. What did we have planned for today, anyway? You were going to come with me to my classes, right?"

He nods, looking not a little relieved himself. "I think so, yeah. Don't really know that I'm gonna get anything out of them, but..."

I laugh softly at that. Humble to a fault, this guy. "You're not stupid, Davey, and it's not going to be rocket science. Mostly a bunch of old guys talking about ecology and politics. Half my classmates are idiots."

"Oh, good," he utters mildly, "Then I'll fit right in."

I roll my eyes with amusement and grab for his hand, determined to make up for my earlier retreat. "Yeah, that's just what I was getting at. Come on, let's head out. There's a couple places you should see, to get a feel for the place."

---

My first class isn't actually for over an hour, so for a while I lead him wandering around the campus, pointing out all the interesting and not-so-interesting sights. The central mall, the library, the quad -- I mean, the university's not that fancy a place, but it gets the job done, I figure. There was about half an inch of snow last night, and it crunches softly underfoot as we wind our way about campus, talking about old times, David filling me in on all the new gossip of the town. I guess Mr. and Mrs. Peabody finally got divorced; they've been fighting for years, but they've been together so long I always figured they'd stay that way just out of habit. Crazy.

Classes go by surprisingly quickly with him beside me, too. Like I expected, he follows the material without much difficulty, and actually seems more than halfway interested. I'm glad to see it. It's a silly idea, maybe, but still, I can almost imagine both of us going into forestry together. A brother-sister ranger team. I laugh a little at the thought. So does he, when I share it. It feels good to laugh together; we've been too far apart, for too long.

It's weird to think how long it's been since I left home, really. It doesn't feel like three years; feels like maybe only a month ago, like no real time at all has passed. I tried to visit pretty regularly, once or twice a year, when there was a long enough break to make the trip up worth it. We'd spend time together then, talk, update each other on our lives. But somehow deep inside, it's like I never really believed anything could happen at home while I was away. How could he grow up without me?

But he's definitely grown. He was fifteen when I left, still a bit gawky, puberty still in the process of stretching him out. And that's how I've remembered him in these intervening years, my mind never quite accepting the new David I occasionally see. Every time I visited, I'd comment on how big he was getting, and then just keep thinking of him as the gangly little brother. The cognitive dissonance is getting too strong to stand. It's a man's body he wears now, tall and developed. Looking at him out of the corner of my eye, I can see his pecs bulging proudly at his chest, and almost count his abs through his shirt. It's...impressive. I mean, a nice bod isn't everything, but it isn't nothing, either. If he weren't my brother, I might be kind of interested.

Damn it. I look back at the whiteboard, a faint warmth touched upon my cheeks. Fucking April -- she's gotten this crazy thought in my head. I swear to god, the girl perverts everything she touches. I used to be impressed by her wild indifference towards all propriety, but lately I've just been annoyed by it. As if her practically bringing guys in off the street wasn't bad enough, now she's making things awkward between David and me.

Pointless to think about. I just need to forget about her and her stupid ideas. Enjoy this time with my brother. I want him to find enough of value here that he'll decide to attend. I mean, it'll only be another year before I graduate, assuming everything goes right, but that's a year more than we'd have if he stayed down in Oakley.

I've missed him. It's not just politeness, or family obligation. We've always been close -- best friends, maybe even stronger than that. I know sometimes kids don't like having their younger siblings around, as if it cramps their style, but we were never like that. David was my shadow, and when someone made fun of me for it, or of him, I just told them off. We confided in each other, talked about things you couldn't say to anyone else. I think that's what I've missed the most. That trust -- I haven't had it, since I've been away. Friends are friends, but it's not the same thing. And boyfriends...well, I haven't had anything near that kind of trust with them.

Hell, that's why I know April can't be right. If David really felt something like that, he'd tell me. Wouldn't he?