Look Into The Abyss

My life is crumbling down around me, and I just don't care anymore. Apathy is the best medicine for a broken will. When you see your life turning to shit and you still give a damn you spend every second trying to clean up the shit, trying to put everything right. Panic sets in. Your mind is a confused mix of anger, depression, and revulsion. You feel like one big open wound and the world is the scouring pad rubbing against you. Eventually, you get tired of feeling. You have to become hard or just give in. Then, you just become apathetic, letting it all fall apart. It doesn't touch you. You can't feel it. You're just numb. I barely see it anymore.

I'm sitting in my parked car, in some dank alley, waiting for my partner to finish questioning a witness. I've been a detective now for twelve years, and I know I'm not getting promoted. I'm stuck here, and I don't care. We're supposed to be questioning possible witnesses about a series of rape murders that have occurred in this part of town. I know that nobody around here saw or heard anything. They never do. There's no reason to ask.

I can see Karl with the witness now. This witness is a thirty-something year old prostitute that I know didn't see anything. Karl knows it too. He doesn't care. He's not questioning her about the homicides. She's on her knees sucking his cock. His hands are gripping her hair, forcing her head back and forth as he rams it into her mouth. At one time I'd have been disgusted, but now it's just a part of the world that I've come to accept.

My eyes move from Karl bucking against the prostitute's face to the glow of the radio dial. I turn up the radio, listening to some new rock station with some band singing about how much the world sucks, playing loud and fast. They don't understand a goddamn thing. I sit back in my seat and listen to the radio and the scanner while I wait.

I think about my wife. She's probably spending the night at her sister's house again. At least that's the explanation she'll give me. I suspect she's cheating on me, but haven't taken the time to confirm it. Our marriage is so pitiful now it's not even a joke. I repel her so much that she can't even stand to be in the same room with me anymore. I've done nothing to her, but she hates me anyway. I'm just not the man she fell in love with. That man died with our only child. I rub my fingers into my eyes, feeling the beginning of a headache.

"Come on Karl," I mutter. "Just shoot your load and let's get the hell out of here." The prostitute is gripping his buttocks tightly while he shoves his cock down her throat. She's probably just fighting to breathe. He smashes her face against him hard and throws his head back. She moves her hands to the front of his legs, pushing against him, trying to separate herself from him. He holds her tight, his hips jerking uncontrollably into her face. His head drops down and he lets her go. She falls away from him onto the ground.

I can see him yelling something at her and pointing at his cock. Slowly, she sits back up on her knees and begins licking his dick clean. Once he's satisfied he pushes her away, tucks his dick away, and zips his pants back up. He points at her, says something, and then walks back to the car. He gets into the passenger seat and closes the door.

"Well, Joe, I pumped her for information, but she didn't know anything," he says and laughs at himself.

"Yeah, I saw that," I say and start up the car.

"You sure you don't want a piece of her. You look like you could use it. You just tell her to blow you or go to jail. They never pick going to jail."

"No. The smell of this alley is giving me a headache." I turn on the headlights, capturing the prostitute in the beams. She scurries against the wall of the alley into the dark. I drive past her, down the alley and back into the street.

"Well, let's stop somewhere and get a drink then," Karl says. "We could ask around a bit and then kick back with a pitcher. Take your mind off things." I have to admit that doesn't sound too bad. I look at the time. It's just past midnight. Time to call it quits anyway.

"Yeah, sure," I say.

"Good. Just pull in to the first place you see," Karl says.

I drive a block before I see the first bar. It's a small, seedy-looking bar, but then we're not in the nicest part of town. "How's that place look?" I ask and point to the bar ahead of us.

"Hey, as long as there ain't a rainbow in the window I'm fine with it," he says.

I turn into the alley beside the bar and pull into the parking lot behind it. There are only a few cars in the parking lot and I pull into a space directly behind the building. The only illumination back here comes from the few working lights out on the street. We both get out of the car and start walking to the front of the bar.

Karl stops and puts his hand on my shoulder. "Did you hear that?" he whispers. His hand moves into his jacket for his gun.

"Quit fucking around, Karl," I say and start walking again. He pulls me back towards him.

"Be quiet," he says, and turns around, slowly pulling the gun from the holster. I turn around with him, searching the dark parking lot. He starts walking slowly towards a large black van in the back of the parking lot. I slip my gun from the shoulder holster and follow him. He turns around to me and points to the van. I can hear some light scuffling noises and then a grunt. I hear a voice talking in a hushed tone. I nod to Karl to acknowledge that I heard the voice now. Karl nods back and continues walking towards the van.

As we approach the side of the van, I can see a red sedan parked on the other side of it. Karl leans against the side of the van, his gun held near his waist. I stand beside him with my back pressed to the van.

"Yeah, bitch," a low, male voice says from the other side of the van. Karl waves his hand and starts walking around behind the van. I move in the other direction around the front of the van, my gun pointed in front of me. The windows of the van are darkly tinted and I can't see through them. I duck to crawl below the side window. When I get to the front of the van I stand up to peer over the hood.

I can see the back of a man's head. He has short, dark red hair. He's mumbling words to himself, some I can understand and some I can't. I stand up taller trying to see what he's doing. I can see the side of his pale face. I move towards the front of the van as I stand, my gun pointed at the guy's back. His body is jerking back and forth. I straighten my legs and get a clear view of him.

He's standing beside the hood of the sedan with a woman lying on the hood. His pants are pushed down and his scrawny butt is flexing as he thrusts between her naked thighs. Her legs dangle down the side of the car, a pair of panties hanging from one bare foot, and a long skirt crumpled up to her waist. Her blouse is ripped open and his hand is pulling her bra down forcefully, exposing her breasts. Her head lulls to the side, her long blonde hair spread on the hood, her eyes closed. Her hands are bound together lying outstretched above her head. The guy is panting as his hips piston between her legs, his hips pressing against her thighs.

"What's going on pal?" I hear Karl say from the other side. The guy stops immediately, his pelvis mashed against her. I walk in front of the van and to the other side with my gun pointed at him. I see Karl approaching him from the other side.

"What do you want?" the guy stammers, looking at Karl.

"I just want to know what's going on here," Karl says.

"Nothing. Leave me alone," the guy stutters. He turns his head back to her and begins fucking her again.

"We're police," I yell at him. "Step back from the lady and put your hands in the air."

"Fuck you," he says. "I'm almost done. Just leave me alone." He's pounding into her faster, her body rocking against the top of the hood lazily.

I see Karl turn the gun in his hand so that he's holding the muzzle. He steps towards the guy and smashes the pistol handle into the back of the guy's head. The guy falls forward a bit and then Karl shoves him backwards, crashing his body into the van, his erect cock slipping from her. The guy cringes against the van, his hands coming up to the back of his head. Karl kicks him in the shin hard and the guy falls to his knees.

"We told you to step back motherfucker!" Karl yells. He kicks him in the side. I holster my gun. I step over to the woman on the hood. She hasn't moved. I lean over her and place my hand on her neck. She looks young, in her early twenties. I can feel her pulse pumping weakly against my hand.

"Miss," I say loudly. I grab her chin lightly and turn her head up facing me. "Are you alright?"

"Pull your pants up asshole, so I can arrest you," Karl yells. I look down at the pasty skinned guy, and he's squirming on his side trying pull his pants back up. I turn back to the woman and lift her eyelids. Her eyes are turned up into her head.

"She's passed out, Karl," I say. "She must have been drugged."

"You drugged her and raped her? That's your game motherfucker? I should just beat you right here. Fuck arresting you," Karl yells at him.

"Fuck you," the guy says through his gritted teeth as he fastens his pants around his waist.

"Fuck me!" Karl yells. He kicks him in the stomach. "No. Fuck you!" He kicks him again.

"Karl!" I yell at him. "Stop it!" I bend down and roll the guy on to his stomach. He's gasping for breath, his face dark red.

"Here," Karl says and drops his handcuffs on the guy's back. I pull his hands behind him and cuff him. I reach into his back pocket and pull out his wallet. I stand back up, letting him lay there to catch his breath.

"Looks like we're not getting that pitcher," I say and open the wallet to search for identification. Karl steps over to the side of the car to look down at the woman. I slip the driver license from the guy's wallet.

"Damn, she is hot," Karl says, staring at the woman's exposed body. "You think she's in college or something? Her body is tight."

I look over at him. "Just help me pick Mr. Daryl Lewis off of the ground," I tell him, trying to get his mind back on our job. Karl reluctantly turns back around. We both reach down and grab the guy under the arms. We lift him to his feet.

"Police brutality," Daryl says as he gets to his feet. "That's fuckin' police brutality!"

"Shut up or I'll show you real police brutality," Karl says and lifts the gun over his head. Daryl cringes back from him. I shove him forward.

"Come on," I tell him, leading him to the car. I turn to Karl. "I'll arrest this guy and put him in the car. You take care of her, and don't just stand there staring at her."

"Whatever," Karl mumbles and he turns away. I grab Daryl's arm and lead him towards our car. I read him his rights as we walk to the car. He doesn't listen. I'm sure he's heard them before. He just keeps yelling about police brutality and suing us. I throw him against the side of our car and search his pockets. I find a set of keys in his front pocket.

"These keys belong to any vehicle in this parking lot like that van or sedan back there?" I ask.

"Fuck you," he spits at me. I shake my head. I'll just have to try them to find out. I open the back door to put him into the car. He pushes back against me trying to resist me. He tries to push past me to run away and I grab his arm and throw him against the car. I step back and throw my knee into his stomach. He crumples over and I shove him into the seat. I close the door behind him.

"Fuckin' asshole," I mutter to myself. I'm feeling burned out. I lean back against the car and fold my arms across my chest. This job has taken the last of my energy. I'm tired of fighting with these assholes everyday and getting nowhere. I look into their eyes and I see nothing. They probably see the same the same thing when they look at me.

I look at the keys in my hand. I should see if they open any of the vehicles to look for any personal belongings of the rape victim. I stand away from the car and start walking back to the van.

I get to the van and walk around it. I stop as I see Karl fucking her. He's holding her legs up high in his hands as he thrusts in and out of her. I sigh loudly and walk towards him.

"Goddamnit, Karl. What are you doing?" I ask him.

"What's it look like?" he says, turning to look at me, still pumping her.

"She's a fucking rape victim, and now you're raping her," I say to him.

"Yeah, she's already been raped so what's the difference?" he says. Her limp body is hanging partly off of the hood as Karl sinks his cock into her entirely. "Damn, this is some sweet pussy. I couldn't pass it up." He grunts as he shoves into her hard.

"Whatever," I say wearily. "I've got to check these vehicles for evidence."

"Go for it, don't let me stop you," he says and turns back to her, watching her body move across the hood of the car as he thrusts in and out of her.

I can't say that I'm entirely surprised at Karl. Truthfully, I almost envy him. He fits right in with the sleaze in this city. Nothing bothers him. Instead of just closing up and ignoring the shit like I do, he jumps right in and wallows in it.

I step to the passenger door of the van and push a key into the lock. It turns and unlocks the door. I open the door and lean into the van. I step into it, looking into the back of the van. It only has the two front seats and the back is mostly empty. I slide over the passenger seat and into the back of the van. It's fairly dark and I can't see that well, so I open the sliding door on the side. I see that Karl is still screwing the rape victim. He has her legs pressed against his chest with his arms wrapped around her thighs as he drives in and out of her furiously, grunting loudly.

I turn back around to search the van with the little bit of light that comes in through the open door. I see a few blankets crumpled on the floor, several long lengths of rope, a pair of sandals, a purse, and other junk. I'd be willing to bet that the sandals and purse belong to the victim. I pick up the purse and sit on the floor against the side of the van as I open it. I find the wallet and pull it out of the purse. I open the wallet, looking for identification.

The first thing I see is a picture of a young, beautiful girl with her mother and father. The girl looks like the victim with the picture taken a couple of years ago, probably right before she went off to college. I stare at the picture, looking at the smile on her face, the hand of her father lying on her shoulder protectively, his other hand around the waist of his wife. He smiles at the camera with a big, strong grin, happy to be with the two women that he loves. I rub my thumb down the picture softly. This could have been me. I see myself as the man with my arms around my lovely daughter and loving wife, smiling at the world. Then, I remember my own failing marriage and dead daughter and flip the picture over, pushing the thoughts out of my head.

I find a driver's license with a picture that looks like the rape victim. It says her name is Valerie Desmond. She just turned twenty-one. I look up out of the van at Karl as he pumps into her vigorously and then falls forward slightly with his hips jerking against her. The dumb bastard is cumming inside of her. I press my hand against my forehead trying to massage the headache away.

"Oh God," I hear Karl mumbling. I look up to see his hips twitching as his orgasm diminishes. He drops her legs down and leans forward on the car, twisting into her more. "Oh God that was fucking good," he growls. "You gotta get a piece of this," he says, turning his head to look at me. "She is really fucking hot."

"She is Valerie Desmond," I say stoically. He steps back, pulling his cock from her.

"Who cares who she is," he says. "She's a tight fuck." He shoves his dwindling cock back into his pants and zips up.

"Maybe her parents care," I say, and hold up the picture for him to see. He shrugs his shoulders and straightens his clothes. "Fucking idiot," I mumble, shaking my head.

"Hey," he yells, looking up at me. "You're the fucking idiot. Who cares who her parents are? She's fucking pussy. You gotta take what the world gives you and here's some good fucking pussy. Take it!"

I drop the wallet, and step down out of the van to stand in front of Karl. "I'm not a rapist like you, Karl!" I yell back at him.

"Rapist!" he yells back at me. "Stop being such a fucking prude. No wonder your wife is cheating on you."

My body tenses up. I clench my teeth together tightly. "What?" I growl at him.

"You know it. You've just been kidding yourself. She's been fucking everybody," he yells at me.

I can hear the blood rushing through my head. My eyes are locked on him. "Did you fuck her?" I ask him, my voice low and angry.

He stares back at me, anger drifting from his eyes and replaced by pity. He nods his head slightly. "Yeah," he mumbles.

Before I can even think, I launch into him. I slam him into the ground with the full force of my body. His head smacks against the ground. The world is a blur. I can't see anything but this disgusting human being under me, my fists flying into him, sitting on his chest, pummeling his body. I thought my wife was cheating on me, but to hear that not only is she cheating on me, but that she's doing it with this asshole infuriates me. His face is a bloody mess. My fists are numb. I know only anger. I grab his head and slam it into the ground. Years of anger and frustration are poured onto this waste of a human life.

"Freeze asshole!" someone yells. I hear the voice, but it doesn't make sense to me. My mind is shut down. I want only to destroy this man under me. "I said fuckin' freeze!" I hear a shotgun being cocked and loaded. That I understand. I glance up. There's a man standing in front of me with a shotgun pointed at me. I'm breathing hard. My body is tense. The bit of logic still left in my head stops me from trying to jump this man and beat him as well. "Get off him and get on the ground! Now!" he yells at me. I just sit here, staring at him, wanting to attack him, picturing myself leaping at him, taking the gun from him, and shooting him with it. "Do it now or I'll shoot you and I fuckin' mean it!" he yells louder, stepping closer, the barrel of the gun pointed directly at my head.

I look down at the bloody mess that was Karl's head, and then I slowly start to move off of him, sliding towards the sedan. "That's right asshole, lay on the ground next to your buddy." I look back at this man as I move to the ground. He's shorter than me at about 5'8" with a large beer gut. He has long, dirty brown hair pulled back with a blue bandana. I could take him easily if I could just get past the gun. "Hey Bull get over here!" he yells. I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around to see another man coming around the front of the van. This man is taller than me at about 6'4" tall and he's solid muscle. I don't know if I could take him.

"What do we got here?" Bull says as he steps behind me.

"This bigger guy was beating the shit out of this other guy here," the man says pointing the shotgun at me and then at Karl. "He fucked him up good."

"I'll say. If he didn't kill him he definitely ruined his face. These must be the cops that nabbed Daryl. Keep him covered Dozer. I'll search him."

"Lay flat on the ground, cop," the fat guy named Dozer says. I lay down on my stomach. I look over at Karl and notice he's not moving. I can't tell if he's even breathing. I might have killed him. I feel Bull's large hands searching my body. He takes my gun from the holster and my handcuffs.

"Put your hands behind your back," Bull says. I do it and feel him put my own handcuffs on me. The dangers of this situation are starting to finally sink in. I've got two guys who must know the rapist, holding a shotgun on me and handcuffing me. I'm not sure what they plan on doing with me, but I'm pretty sure they aren't willing to just let me take their friend to jail. Honestly, I don't know if I could after what I've done to Karl. I'm in it deep now.