Looks Can Be Deceiving

It's pouring cats and dogs as I duck inside the building.

"Whoo," I say to no one but the ill lit hallway of my girlfriend's apartment complex. I put down the bag of groceries and look for my house key. My fingers are wrinkled from the rain and I feel some tension as I try to flex my fingers. Finally I grab a hold of the silver key and I fumble with apartment A4's lock.

"Jenna?" I shout out loud. No reply. She's probably at school or work; I can't keep up with her schedule sometimes. She's too complex for me. I put the bag of groceries on the kitchen counter and leave my Chuck Taylors in a mess by the door. She's going to spaz for that one but I'll live. Jenna is a neat freak and somewhat of a germaphobe. Somewhat because she's been known to stick her fingers up my nose and grab a loose booger.

Her cat; Misty comes padding down the hallway to me. She purrs and then rubs her fluffy, white head against my damp jean leg. She purrs and retreats back into the darkness from which she came. "Sorry Misty, I'll clean up I promise." The cat is gone and it's me alone again. I change into my spare change of clothes. Yea I don't live with Jenna but, she did give me a key and half of her cherry oak dresser from IKEA. I set out to the kitchen; I came here with the intentions of making her dinner. I'm no big cook but I excel at pasta. Must be a man thing....

As I'm dicing the red peppers, I find myself dazing at the vapor of steam flowing from the stainless steel pot. I'm lost for a moment, watching the swirls of mist mingle in the air and then vanish.

"Fuck!" I shout. I cut my two fingers on my right hand; my cherished O+ blood starts to flow- the Red Cross would be highly upset. I search for the closest thing to a paper towel and instead find a dish towel with gingerbread men painted on it. "Tis the season alright..." Jenna was so into holidays, figures she would match the towels with the holiday of the moment. Clutching my hand to my chest, I call her cell. After three rings I give up.

I head south of the apartment and find myself in Jenna's bathroom. She has her own in her bedroom; I search underneath the sink for a first aid kit but nothing there. I look a little harder and then I realize I should be looking behind the mirror. In the medicine cabinet...Yea I know, that's what all good Americans do-look in their significant others medicine chest. The mirror gently taps the wall as I swing it open. I scan the three mini shelves and there it is: a blue and yellow bottle of Valtrex. My stomach sinks, my eyes bulge and suddenly my cut fingers do not sting anymore. My heart is the one in pain now. I look at the label just to see if its maybe a friends own that they left over one night.

I even make up a convo in my head of how that would go.

"Hey Jenna, did I leave my medication over last Saturday?"

"Yea, you did. You can't do that; Trey may think it's mine...."

"Oh my gosh! Silly me!"

But that idea is shot to hell as I see her name in black and white on the prescription label: Jenna F. Lyon. More like Jenna has been lying! I'm FN furious! She has been hiding this from me for months! Months! We have been seeing each other for eight months now and I do not recall any convo's starting out great and hitting the fan. I take a seat on the edge of her tub and consider my options. 1: I could dump her for lying, 2: I could ask her about it or 3: I could go home and be alone for awhile. I opt out for option 3A: wait here for her and spaz the fuck out.

Finally I find the first aid kit in the kitchen drawer next to the cutlery. "No shit Sherlock." I clean my cut up and somehow still prepare a proper dinner. It's eating me up on the inside. I don't even wait for Jenna; I eat alone. I sit there and think up how many people she has infected unknowingly. This is how people go to jail for crimes of passion. I shovel fork after fork of penne into my mouth and chew so hard I think I may break my jaw.

Almost an hour later the keys rattle in the door, Jenna has finally arrived. The show is about to commence people. She smiles at me from the door and I smile (forced of course) from my seat at the table. She of course looks extraordinaire as any other day. Her black hair is swept into a high ponytail and her lashes are wet with raindrops. I almost hold back my shocking revelation-almost.

She places her yellow rain boots at the side of the door and walks to me pursing her lips together in a kiss. I pull my head back. I can see the hurt on her face; she's confused. I usually kiss her til' the cows come home.

"What? What happened?" She scans me all over and sees my poorly bandaged fingers. She takes my hand into hers and rubs them. "I'm sorry pumpkin but you don't have to be such a crab." She makes a mean face and again attempts to kiss me. Again, I pull back. She's frustrated now as she puts her hands on her boyish hips. "OK, what? What is your problem Trey?"

Feeling a bit of the jerk of my youth surge into me, I ask her to follow me to the bedroom. The bathroom light is still on and I watch her face as she sees the cabinet is wide open. I point at the bottle, she begins to cry. This I did not expect from Jenna.

Not feeling so full of bravado I bite my lip nervously."When," I clear my throat, start over "When were you going to tell me?"

She goes to her bed and curls herself into a ball. I don't know what to do, she's crying and I feel fucked. "Trey were you snooping around? The truth." She demands.

"I cut myself Jenna," I explain although I shouldn't be "I needed a band aid."

She sits up a little and I see the embarrassment in her usually proud shoulders. She holds her small hands over her eyes and exhales. "That's why we can't have sex, I haven't figured out how to tell you."

It is true; we only kiss and touch. I'm not a horn dog type of guy I'm more in need of emotional closeness. Now I get it, that's why we can only do s so much.... It makes a lot of sense now in hindsight.

"But it's me Jenna, you can tell me anything." I think I may have over reacted.

Her full bottom lip quivers as she cries quietly. She is rocking herself slowly and I feel so sorry for her. She's like a little kid who's lost their mom. She sits there hugging her legs and then I hear her voice.

"So you don't want me now I guess?" I hear some hope in her voice, hope that I may say no. I do want you.

I don't answer because I feel as if there is more to be said.

She shakes her head and some of her hair comes loose, a few tendrils sticking to the wet trails on her face. "I do love you, you know that right?"

"I don't know why you didn't tell me. Did you think I would judge you for being promiscuous?" After that last line her face freezes, she looks crest fallen. She puts a hand to her chest.

"You think this is a result of me being some kind of free spirit a.k.a. slut?" She bats her wet lashes at me in anger.

My throat feels dry, but like the jerk I am sometimes I still speak. "Well how else did you get it?"

She shakes her beautiful head in obvious disgust; she is appalled by my behavior. "You know Trey I think you may have lost too much blood. You are being a total asshole right now!" She slides off the bed pushes past me and starts digging in boxes at the bottom of her walk in closet. I'm not sure what to do or say so I stay put.

She shoves a manila folder in my face and tells me to read. I save my comments and begin to read, the more I read, the more I want to be sent to the gallows. I put the folder down and pull her small body into the safe embrace of my arms.

"I didn't know, I swear I didn't know. God, I'm a jerk. I'm sorry." I whisper into her ears. Her little hands are balled into fists on my chest where she is hiding her face. I rub her back and tell her it's going to be OK. We stay like that for awhile and after her breathing has come back to normal she speaks.

"It happened a year before I met you. They held me down Trey," I close my eyes and try to blank out the images of all 5 foot 2 of her fighting off three guys."I couldn't stop them. I couldn't."

"Shhh, shhhh. It's going to be fine, I'm not going anywhere."

She looks up at me with big, brown eyes "You're not mad anymore?"

I kiss her nose "No I'm a prick, you should dump me. I don't deserve you."

She lays her head back on my chest and squeezes me as tight as she can. "So you're not afraid right?"

I hold her closer, as close as I can get. "That's why there's dental dam." She chuckles and I hear a snot bubble pop in her nose. I join in on the laughter and before you know it we're back to being happy. She's broken, I'm an idiot, it's my job to stay here and help her. It's what the holiday spirit is about.