Love Lost To Anger

Paul's life has not been the same since Raven left.

Dark clouds of gloom and despair now cover where once the sun shine rays of hope and love. The warmth of the tropics, with it's high heat and humidity indexes, Is now a perennial blanket of winter coldness and loneliness. His soul is barren, like the countryside of the Northern states where life seems to stop during the winter mouths as fear as darkness overcomes the senses, and people seek refuge inside their homes awaiting the arrival of spring.

But, for Paul, that spring longing is as distant as the depth of the firmament. He misses her, he needs her, and much to Paul's regret, realize that the chance to spend the rest of their lives together is now over.

Raven, who once was the center of Paul's life and the goal of his dreams, is now a beautiful and sad figment of Paul's imagination. He met Raven 2 years ago at work. Raven worked for a foreign airline at the international airport. Paul was a Deputy Sheriff, on his 2nd tour of duty at the airport. Both of them where always their in the afternoons. The day they met, it was early in the day, in the middle of the week.

That day Paul wasn't supposed to be their in the area where he was. Instead, Paul was scheduled for packing shoots in the warehouse area. Somehow, something happened, and he ended up in the office. Paul found an elderly guy, an obvious mental patient, who was acting dangerously strange in the waiting area of the departure gate, and decided to investigate his behavior. After determining that he was a passenger on a flight bound for South America. Paul entered the aircraft to speak to the Captain. His partner Brian, remained at the door of the cockpit. Paul explained the situation to the pilot and suggested that he step outside and talk to this guy to decide for himself if he would have him on his fight, or not. It was then a vision of beauty and angelical caught my attention. Standing at the door of the aircraft was a young woman,

beautiful, delicate, and poised, In her airline uniform, with her blonde hair combed into the latest style, Paul couldn't help but admire her beautiful hazel eyes, and her nice tanned skin. They looked at each other for a few seconds, long enough to make Paul forget his mission for a moment and feel intrigued by this captivating woman whom Paul have never seen before.

"What a hottie," I told my partner.

"Oh, that's only Raven," Brian replied, telling Paul he know her. "Well, the gal is dead sexy," Paul told Brian, thinking Brain was referring to Raven as being he's girlfriend. They finished their assignment andleft the aircraft, and for a moment Paul had a premonition that this encounter, one which neither one of us spoke to one another,

Would have an everlasting effect in his life. Paul just didn't imagine the magnitude of what those few seconds would become in the years to come. Time passed. Days gave way to weeks, months, and with the passing of time, new experiences; The airport is a very interesting and intense place to work. There were happy and sad days. somedays were stressful and others very relaxing. For those of us, on the verge of retirement, the airport assignments represents not only reward for years of honorable service, but also a chance to increase their friendship and meet new people, Well deserved break from the pressures and dangers of being a lawyer. Paul saw Raven every afternoon, as Brian and Paul would pass by Raven's counter and they stopped to say hello. Raven a very friendly and outgoing gal, She usually left the area behind the counter to kiss my partner Brian on the cheek. However, Raven would never kiss Paul, not even talk to him except to say hello!!! "What's wrong with me," I asked Brian one day. "I don't know, perhaps you are too ugly," he joked. They laughed about his comment and went on with our routine but, somehow, in the back of Paul's mind, the thought of her kissing Brain and ignoring him bothered Paul.

At 25, Paul is a daily jogger and martial arts expert. With short blonde hair and Blue eyes, 5'10, weights 155lbs, and always wearing Wanglers and a T-shirt in an impeccable manner, Paul didn't consider myself an object of repulsion...... Why?

Paul would ask myself. Why doesn't she even talk to him?

Paul meets many people at the airport. It is hard, actually impossible, not to meet men and women, working around the clock. Some of the employees hold 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet. The work force of the airport consists of one entire shift of men and women, working around the clock. Some of the women Paul met became good friends of mine, and invariably, there were a couple of short-lived relationships. But, no matter whom Paul was with, and were ever Paul was, the thought of Raven's eyes staring at him, and Raven's friendly smile and welcoming spirit came to mind. It was an instant flash reminder that she was somewhere near him, that Paul should seek Raven.

Approximately nine months ago, Paul started to become involved with a very nice lady whom he met at the airport.

They went out to dinner, sat at home listening to music, etc.;

It was during these encounters that Raven's Flash thoughts came to his mind with increasing intensity. Paul decided that there was no use in pursuing any relationship with someone else as long as his mind kept harboring Raven's presence.

Paul increased the frequency of his visits to the ticket counter and asked his supervisor to assign him, as often as possible, to the area where Raven worked. Paul wanted to be near her to get to know Raven better, to try to understand why this person, whom Paul didn't even know and whose name Paul had hard time remembering, was becoming so deep rooted in his mind. Paul needed to understand himself, he's feelings, if there were any for her. Paul just didn't know what they were. Their days off were different. They worked together only three days out of the weekend, that's when Paul had first impression that his feelings for Raven were more than a simple curiosity; During the days when they were off, Paul anxiously awaited to see her again.

Funny, Paul didn't even know her, Raven didn't even know his name, but there was something in his heart that was telling him to find her, to let her know Paul was there. At work, Paul had a chance to observe Raven actions. Refined, educated, always treating her customers with the highest, ladylike respect. Even in the face of scorn and disrespect, Raven showed her class, and when compassion and understanding were needed, Raven radiated the warmth and comfort to those in need, that only a woman of her highest distinction can provide. Paul began to feel scared about his own feelings. Paul didn't want to admit it but Paul thought he was falling in love with this woman. It is impossible to know Raven and not fall in love with her. Not only is she a beautiful woman in body and in spirit, but she also maintains an aura of respectability and compassion that Paul had never known before.

Men may be the "stronger sex," but it's the so-called "weakness" of a woman that moves and motivates men. Men maybe the heads, but women are the body upon which that head rests and without which, the head could not think and act. If this premise is true, Paul was the head while Raven was becoming the body upon which Paul would depend to understand his fate and forge his future. Raven would be the foundation upon which Paul was going to find the love that life had denied him, and the happiness that would reward his dedication and devotion to that special one who would occupy a place in his heart. One day, Brain and Paul approached the ticket counter, just to say hello as they always do everyday. Raven as usual, came from behind and kissed Brian, and then she walked toward Paul and kissed me on the cheek. His legs felt numb, he's knees buckled and Paul froze for a few seconds.

Paul thinks that Raven noticed it because she looked at him, and smiled, and returned to work. It was November of last year, just before thanksgiving, Paul instantly knew what he wanted for the holidays; Paul had already found the best gift! It was a divine apparition, the answer to all his prayers, the light of hope Paul so desperately needed to shine the path his life would take from there on; Paul wanted Raven! Paul was afraid of what he was feeling for Raven love, and the need to be with her and no one else. The greatest miracle of humanity had begun to take place in his life. Paul was scheduled for vacation in December, the whole month, and took advantage of the opportunity to get away from the airport during those four weeks to self examine his feelings and himself. Paul thought that, if they were just an infatuation, then they would go away. Paul prayed that they would go away! Raven, Paul likes her name, is no ordinary woman. Raven's "A Lady," a woman for keeps, a woman for a man to have at his side, in the home or in the outside world. Raven was not a toy to play with and, Paul didn't want to hurt her in any way.

Paul returned to work in January, confused about his feelings, afraid to ever face her again. Paul tried to console himself by thinking Raven was a happily married woman, with kids and a home, and that he was just succumbing to some romantic fantasy. Raven wore a ring on her ring finger, but he couldn't tell if it was a wedding ban or just jewelry. Paul should have asked, but he was afraid to. Looking back to those days, Paul was sure that he was afraid of finding out the truth. Paul visits to the counter were now more often. A casual stop and go became hours of standing next to the counter. Nobody seemed to mind. Who would mind having a policeman with a black belt in karate standing by? Paul was a very welcomed commodity, a freebie.

In return, this gave him a chance to examine at close range this fascinating woman who had, unknown to her, become the possessor of all his thoughts and aspirations. Paul tried different approaches to let her know that she interested him, that Paul cared.

Compliments, fibs such as, "The terminal is a dangerous place for a woman to walk around alone, You should hire a bodyguard, May I apply?" Paul said, and to her words and actions that should have made her aware that Paul felt something special for her. Nothing elicited a response from Raven other than a smile, and a genuine "Thank You." In the meantime, Paul noticed that he had changed completely. Paul was no longer interested in admiring the beauty of other women, nor did he care to join his coworkers in "Bull Ridin' Practices," and outings to the local lounges after work. Nothing or nobody enticed him except Raven. His whole world, his attitude toward the others, his every desires, dreams and hopes, had only one name; Raven.

Then something happened which defined his feelings for Raven once and for all. In the spring, Raven's son was involved in a serious automobile accident and was rushed to the hospital, unconscious. Paul found out when he went to the counter and casually asked her coworkers where raven was. Then he was told what had happened, he wanted to rush to the hospital to be with her, to put his arms around her and offer her solace and support, to let her know that there was a man there for her, to ley her lean her head on his shoulder, to wipe her tears on his shirt, to hold her in his arms and tell her that she was not alone, that he felt and shared her pain, that no matter the out come of the day, Raven would not face the dark of night alone. That he would be there for her till the end. Paul had to stop himself from thinking any further. Most likely, she wasn't alone at the hospital. Raven's husband, he figured, would be there also. Paul had to get a hold of he's thoughts and think that his place was not there, now anyway. He called the hospital to inquire as to the boy's condition. Not knowing Raven's son name or Raven's last name either, He couldn't get any information. The only he was able to ascertain was that no teen-age boy had died from an auto accident. That was good news after all.

Later on he found out that Raven was divorced and that there was no "Mr." in her life. That was the day Paul knew for sure that he had fallen in love with Raven, there was no other way to look at it. He loved this woman to death, more than his own life, and he had to let her know. Fortunately, her boy's injuries were not serious at all and he was discharged from the hospital the following day. When Paul saw her that morning, she looked tired, upset and worried, and with each second passing Paul had to control his urge to hold her in his arms and reassure her that everything would be all right. It would be! Paul wasn't going to let it happen any other way. The following Sunday, was Easter Sunday, they were both off.

Paul bought some roses and left them for Raven in her office. Paul wanted to cheer Raven up. Most of all, Paul wanted to tell her that he loved her. The words, however, were not coming out. Just the expression of what he was feeling. From that day on they saw each other more often. With every phone call he could tell that Raven was becoming more interested in him. Was she falling in love with Paul? He asked himself. Paul was afraid of the answer.

He feared not to be able to live to her expectations and needs. Paul wanted to be the best man she ever found, the pinnacle of her dreams, the man who would care for her and her son. In turn, Paul saw in her the woman with whom he would want to grow old, and whose eyes, he hoped, would be the last ones he would see before leaving to meet his maker. Paul wanted them to be the only purposes of living. There relationship developed into one of love, affection, and devotion for one another. They meet for lunch, dinner, at Raven's home after work for a glass of wine, to cuddle, and unwind after a long day at the office. They'd go to the beach and seat under the stars and to make plans for their future together. The moon over Wikki beach has never been so beautiful as the night Raven and Paul sat in the back of her jeep, sipping a glass of wine in each others arms, as they made planes for a wedding and a life to the year after.

There children, They decided early in the relationship, they would be top priority for both of them. Raven would be the first Lady of his life. Paul, in return, the man of raven dreams, the one who'd right every wrong that life had dealt her in the past. So many plans they formulated, the home they would buy, the trips they would take, the kids' college education, even adopting a little girl so Raven would have the daughter that she always wanted to have, but couldn't. For a month their relationship flourished and bloomed. Like an exotic, delicate flower that needs tender attention, Paul cared for Raven to her every needs and desires. Paul wanted to elevate her to a pedestal to venerate and worship her as the goddess of his life, which she was. Paul wanted to place her high above the dangers of the elements so as to insulate her from pain and deceit. Paul wanted only the best for her. Raven is a wonderful, God sent woman. There was not enough love in me to show her what she meant for him.

And then, Paul destroyed all their dreams and hopes in a moment of selfish, stupidity and unfounded jealousy! Paul acted irrationally, immature, and worst of all, He showed an undeserved mistrust of her loyalty for him. Paul said things he shouldn't have said. He wrote a letter that he shouldn't have written. The words came across hard, cold, far from everything that his heart and brains in exchange for a moment of ignorance and animal behavior.

For Raven, who gave her whole heart to him, unselfishly, with the candor and softness that only a woman like her can give, Paul's actions were an unforgiving transgression. Her female and human prides were, crumbled to the ground with the domino effect intensity of an annihilate earthquake. Raven's departure from his life left him crushed, worthless, feeling shity and useless. The pain is unbearable, the feeling of dejection and loneliness paralyses, and Paul have no desire to see the future a head of him. Paul wish he could turn back the clock of time a few days, when a minute of ego and macho obfuscation turned his life to a living hell. He misses the look in her eyes staring into his as if saying, "I'm yours, forever." He longs for her company, her devotion, and all the things that went on between them. He now look at the night sky with the full moon over Hawai'i and feel her presence next to him, in his arms, as they did that last night then went out by the ocean. the sounds of the waves striking the shore remind him of her voice telling him that she would always wait for him, That she was his and nobody else's. Perhaps if she would let him talk to her.

Perhaps if she would forgive me. Perhaps if she would see his pain.

Perhaps if Paul had seen the pain he would bring into her life with his jealousy prior to doing what he did and said.

Perhaps if he had though before he acted.

Perhaps if he had deserved and appreciate her and all the love she had to give. But Paul didn't..

He should have known she was too good for him, that he didn't merit such a relationship, or woman. Now, Paul has to pay the price of he human errors. He wander alone, lonely, and hopelessly feeling the pain of the disappointment he caused not only to her, but himself as well. He'll never love again as he loved her. He'll never look for or find another Raven.

Women of her essence only appear once in a man's lifetime. He had blew it. Raven, the love of his life, is now gone forever. He hopes that she finds the happiness she is entitled to and that he so badly wanted to give her. He hopes that she remembers that, the way that he loved her, nobody has or will, even with his mistakes. And, if she ever finds it in her heart to forgive him and give him another chance, He'd be waiting on his knees to beg for her forgiveness......

Paul wants to learn. He need to learn about life and living. Paul wants to learn it from, and be with her.

In the midst of so much despair, he thanks God for having given him the opportunity to experience life and love in the from of Raven. He has never received such an immaculate and pure example of love as he did from this woman, a deity who came into his life and left such a mark in his heart.

Paul's love will be hers, now & forever.

Till death do these heart part...