Loving Him Ch. 01

I sat cross-legged on the floor of my room, folding and unfolding the tired piece of paper, my eyes skimming the carefully constructed words, the black ink smudging my fingers. I already knew what it said, the reading was just a comforting habit at this point. These were the last words he gave me, and I was beginning to realize that these were the last words he would ever give me. I folded the paper again, trying to seal some small part of him into the space where the words touched each other, and picked up the envelope that it had been in. I put down the envelope and unfolded the paper, reading from the beginning. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing, knowing that these breaths were the most important I would take in my life, because these were the ones that would lead to the rest of them. I could not give up on breathing now.

I folded the paper again, and finally put in in the envelope for the first time since I had taken it out, and put it in the bottom drawer of my nightstand. My rational side was telling me to throw it away, to let it go for good, but I had to hold on to him for as long as I could. I pushed the drawer closed and lay back on my floor, my fingers curling into the long carpet beneath me. The light on my ceiling was flickering, and as I felt the fractures begin in my heart I curled into the fetal position. It didn't make sense. He couldn't be gone. Not yet. Not ever. I couldn't let him be gone. I couldn't be. Not without him.

The sun bleeding through my curtains broke through my dreamless sleep and I sighed, rolling onto my stomach as the weight descended upon me again. I pushed myself up onto my hands and knees, staying there for a moment while I evaluated whether or not I had strength enough to stand. Slowly, carefully, I rose to my feet. I crossed my room and sat on the old reclining chair, looking at the mirror next to me. For a moment I was shocked. I couldn't believe that I was looking at the same person I had seen yesterday, the same face that there was before the world broke in to a thousand flaws. I felt so different, how could I look the same?

~

All his things were packed into a small box, his memory weighing on my shoulders as I carried the box to the front door of his house. I rang the doorbell and waited, unsure of how to feel. I heard footsteps in the familiar hallway and his younger brother opened the door. His eyes widened when he saw me.

"Lexan, hey, I didn't think I would see you. It's been a while since..."

"Yeah, Max. I know. Can I come in?"

He nodded and I entered the house, instinctively glancing up the stairs to where Esran's room had been. My heart sank but I took a deep breath and kept walking, setting the box down on the kitchen table and turning back to Max.

"He left some games and stuff at my place, I figured you might want them. I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I guess it just felt like it would make it real, you know?"

Max nodded, looking down at the linoleum, his soft brown hair falling across his eyes exactly the way Esran's had. I felt a sudden overwhelming need to hold him, but I shoved my hands in my pockets and sighed.

"I'm really sorry, man. It's just.. you know. He was my best friend. I should have done something. I should have known, I guess."

He looked up at me, the raw agony in his familiar hazel eyes sending a shock through to my core.

"Lexan, how do you think I feel? He's my brother. I saw him every day and I couldn't.." he stopped for a moment, his voice breaking in grief. He cleared his throat and tried again, "couldn't do anything. I couldn't tell. I just... I failed as a younger brother. I should have..."

In that instant I had crossed to him and wrapped my arms around him, his face buried in my chest as I felt his knees give slightly.

"Max, it isn't your job to protect anybody but you. You couldn't have done anything. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You were gone for so long, too. It was like I lost both of my older brothers and I didn't know what to do, Lex. I don't know what to do."

His slender body was trembling, and suddenly his arms were wrapped around me, clinging as if he would fall apart if he let go. I smoothed his hair with one hand, tears coming to my eyes as he was wracked with sobs.

"I'm here. I'm sorry. I miss him too."

I held him in silence for minutes as he wept, and together we cried for the loss of a best friend and brother. I was suddenly glad to have this sweet boy in my arms, because I realized he was holding me together right now as much as I was holding him together. He pulled away and looked up at me for a moment, searching my eyes with his.

"Lexan, never leave me again."

I leaned forward and kissed his forehead.

"I never will, Max. We'll get through this."

"Together?"

"I'm here."

I hadn't gone to the funeral, even though I knew I owed it to Max and to Esran to be there. I couldn't stand to see him lowered into the ground, but I visited the grave often afterward. Sometimes I would just lean against the headstone and watch the world pass, other times I would press my hand to his name and imagine he was there with me. We had known one another since we were kids, and he was my rock through the tough years of high school. After college, we had moved to different cities but we called each other often and we made a lot of trips on weekends. I thought I had missed him then, but now was an entirely different story. There's no way to describe what he meant to me, so best friend will have to suffice. I was best man at his wedding and the first man there when they called it quits after three years. I didn't know where Anna was now, but I hoped she knew he was gone.

The months passed and I kept my promise to Max, finding a place for him at my company and moving him out of the house full of memories to my studio apartment, convenient as far as location and price, but not much on space. He slept on the couch except for some nights when he got totally trashed and crashed on my bed, and I would put the blanket on him and take the couch instead. I remembered what it was like to be eighteen, but I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose the only real stable role model I had ever known. Once I woke up with him pressed close to me, my arms wrapped around him as I slept without dreaming. I had held him until he woke up and made sure he was okay, then we went to work and nothing more was said about it.

I hated the feeling that started growing inside me as I had held him, but I closed my eyes to it and wouldn't let it become reality. He was like my little brother, and it hadn't even been a year since Esran had gone. I told myself that it must have been seeing my best friend in his eyes that made me feel so close to him. I couldn't let it be any more than that.