Loving James Ch. 01

Sal kept rubbing my shoulders. "So what are you going to do?" she asked. So much for comfort.

"I don't know. I don't know."

"Here's how I see it." She said firmly. "You've got three options. Option one. You go and see him and tell him how you feel." I shook my head in protest but she kept going. Nothing would stop her now. "Either he feels the same, he only wants to be your friend, or he never wants to see you again. Option two. You pretend it's as funny to you as it is to him. He never knows how you feel, so you won't know how he feels, but you'll probably get to keep him as a friend. Or option three. You make the decision to walk away and never see him again. You don't get to be friends, but you get to try and move on and get over him."

Where was the option where he definitely loved me? Where this was all some huge mistake? Where was my happily ever after?

I stayed silent. "I know it sucks, kiddo." She said gently. "Love's a bitch." I managed a watery smile. "You want some cookies? I've got some hidden. We can have ourselves a picnic."

I nodded. I really liked Aunt Sal. Mum would have been trying to get me to tell her how I felt, and there was nothing I wanted less. Mum would have fussed and fretted. Sal was reliable. Strong. Practical. And somehow caring at the same time.

My dad walked out on my mum when she was pregnant. She was flighty and irresponsible and living from pay check to pay check and off whatever money she got off my dad. I have a feeling he may have already been married, but mum didn't cope. Sal moved in then and took charge. She's been in charge ever since. She's older than mum, never married, never had children. I don't think she cares. And anyway- she's got me. I'm fairly sure I make up for there being no other kids around here.

Sal went downstairs and I pulled on my pyjamas and an ancient dressing gown of hers that I'd stolen. I washed my face and then practiced some breathing exercises. I was still breathing like I'd run a mile. Not that I ran.

When Sal came back I was much calmer. She had a tray with 2 hot chocolates, some toasted cheese sandwiches and the promised cookies. And god it smelt good.

She grinned at me, her round cheeks dimpling. I smiled back.

"Thanks." I said, as she placed it carefully on my bed. She snorted.

"Don't thank me too soon." She said. "I haven't started eating yet."

James:

I didn't see Alex for a few days after Andrew's party, and when I did he acted funny. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but he seemed... embarrassed? Upset?

"Hi." I said to him, sitting next to him on the lawn. I was trying to act normal, but the truth was that his hair was messed up on one side and strangely enough, they were x rated reasons for this that popped into my head.

He picked up his book and shut it quickly.

"Hi." He said quickly, looking at me with slightly narrowed eyes. "You're obviously feeling better." He sounded slightly snide and I wondered why. He was feeling better, wasn't he?

"Yeah." I said with a smile. "Just keep me away from the booze next time, yeah?" Alex gave a brief smile then looked at his phone to check the time.

"I've gotta go." He said, stuffing his book in his bag and getting up.

"Oh. I didn't think you had class now?"

"I don't. Meeting someone." He said briefly.

I stared at him. But-wenormally had lunch on Tuesdays. I guess I was waiting for him to crack a grin and laugh at me, invite me along. Or maybe tell me about some hot guy he'd finally asked out. He didn't.

He gave me the briefest ghost of a smile and then turned and walked away.

I was totally taken aback, but I sat there and thought about it and I came to the conclusion that he was obviously a bit weirded out by what had happened at the party.

Maybe he just needed some space.

Truth be told I was a bit weirded out as well. I could hardly remember the damn kiss, had no idea what had happened, and I was waking up rock hard every morning and dreaming of Alex every night.

Which was kind of weird seeing as how we were friends and I'd never thought of him like that before.

I didn't call or text him at all over the next few days. I didn't see him for lunch or grab a coffee with him. I didn't see him for dinner or in between classes. It was like he didn't exist.

I didn't like it at all.

We'd become good friends at uni, and I wasn't prepared for just how out of depth I felt without him around.

I saw him again the next week at a pizza night.

He saw me come in, and he looked at me then looked back at Josh and determinedly continued his conversation. I saw Andrew look between us with a frown and I wondered what he knew.

Josh left Alex on his own when Evert walked in, so I had a chance to speak to him. I went over before he could move away. He seemed reluctant, but he pasted a smile to his face.

"Hi." He said.

"Hey." I said. Well, this was awkward. "So. We're ok, right?" Alex nodded, still smiling.

"Of course." He said, and started talking about whatever it was Josh and he'd been talking about.

I wanted to tell him that it was fine, that it didn't need to be awkward between us, but he chattered like he was nervous or like he was just trying to fill silences and didn't hang around long enough for me to get a word in.

I blinked at his back as he went to talk to Elspeth about something he'd 'just remembered', then looked around the room. Andrew had been looking at me, but quickly turned his gaze away.

I went and joined the group of people he was with. He smiled at me uneasily.

"Can I talk to you?" I asked. He hesitated, then nodded. We went over towards the fridge pretending to get drinks. Andrew got a beer. He passed me a coke. I gave a weak grin.

"So what's going on?" he said. Crap.

"I was hoping you could tell me." I said glumly.

"What happened at the party?" he asked.

"I don't remember much at all. I remember dancing... and..."

"And?" he asked.

"Well." I was blushing. "Alex and I... apparently kissed. And now he's acting all weird. I must have said something. I don't know. I was drunk, though. Is he holding it against me?" Andrew chewed his lip. "We're friends, right? I thought he'd forgive me for whatever happened." Andrew nodded.

"Look. Maybe he just... needs some time. To cool off. Or whatever. Alex is... you know how moody he gets."

"Right." I said. But never for this long. Not my Alex. His moods lasted for around ten minutes before he ran out of steam and was bitching about something else or was laughing again. And it had already been a week.

Andrew gave me a quick smile and drifted off to speak to someone else.

I looked around. Alex had apparently left.

I did corner him a few days later. I missed him.

He'd bought a coffee at the café near the library and sat down at a table in the sun. I waited until he'd taken a sip and dropped into the chair opposite.

"Hi." I said. He choked and tried to swallow. He frowned at me, but took another sip rather than reply.

"You know," I said gently, taking advantage of his silence. "It doesn't need to be weird between us. Andrew's party- it didn't mean anything. We'd had too much to drink and it just happened. It's ok. I understand."

He looked at me a moment, his big eyes unreadable. They were very, very blue under his vivid shock of red hair. I thought his bottom lip might have trembled but I wasn't sure.

"Yeah." He said slowly. His voice wasn't quite normal. "Right. Well. I don't know if that's going to work." My heart sank. He got up. I reached for his arm but he jerked away from me. I was so shocked by the look of loathing that flashed across his face that I didn't try again. I didn't say his name or ask him what was wrong like I'd meant to. I stared in shock as he whirled and departed from the café in haste.

I sat at the table on my own, feeling incredibly stupid. I hadn't imagined that look. I'd known he was acting funny, that he didn't talk to me like he used to- but I hadn't expected him tohateme. One drunken kiss and our friendship was over. I couldn't believe it. Why was he so upset? It hadn't meant anything. I could hardly remember it at all...

I stared at his untouched coffee and wondered why it seemed to matter so much to him. And why it should matter at all.

We were friends. He was the closest thing to a best friend I'd ever had in my whole life. And somehow I'd ruined it.

I sighed heavily and promised myself I wouldn't drink like that again.

For all the good that would do for my relationship with Alex.