Dawn, who has been a very good friend of mine for years, asked me a question in the course of a conversation that surprised me. The reason that she asked didn't surprise me it was just the fact that she asked it.
Dawn and her husband Tony had been on and off for years. They never actually separated but they had lived emotionally separated for years. My husband and I have spent time with them on occasion at couple functions like company dinners or parties so that the friendship wasn't just between me and Dawn. Our husbands knew each other and we knew each other's husbands.
Tony and Dawn were a good public couple. You know the couple or you may be half of one yourself where from the confines of the home every day is a seething battle of sorts. The dirty looks, the snide remarks or the hateful tone of voice. There is that underlying anger about something that permeates everything in the house, especially the relationship. This distance is most apparent in the bedroom. The sex is gone.
The public relationship is markedly different though. There is hand holding and joking and even respect; "Honey let me get that for you." One might say. But when they're at home it would be "I'm not your servant or you've got two legs, use them!" Yes. This was the relationship of Dawn and Tony.
My own marriage was mostly the opposite. Nick and I went through some of that but through the years we learned to look forward to each other. Things had to be done and we did them. We didn't try to count and balance who did what and how much. We just learned to do it. We learned to welcome each others desires in the bedroom as well.
The single biggest realization I had that contributed to the change in my marriage was that men and women are different. 'REALLY?' you might say. 'Vicky here is a genius. She says that men and women are different.' I know we all know it, but couples like Dawn and Tony don't accept it. It sounds good, but.... For instance Dawn would lament over catching Tony looking at porn on the internet. She would call him a pervert, a man with no self control and no respect for himself or his wife. Ouch.
On the particular day that this story began, Dawn and I had gotten together for lunch at my house and she obviously had something boiling under the surface that she was trying to mask with a lighthearted tone. I was finally able to get her to open up and talk about the very real and painful thing she was trying to hide.
"I've had it Vicky." She finally admitted. "I want to divorce him."
"What happened Dawn?" I asked half expecting to hear that Tony had cheated on her.
"It's him!" Dawn said waving her arms as if to say 'everything about him just take your pick.'
"What did he do?" I was looking for some specific action that finally pushed her over the edge. Dawn didn't have an answer.
"All he wants is sex. Every night he's coming on to me just trying to get me on my back so that he can screw me." Dawn rolled her eyes before continuing. "And if he's not getting sex, he's sitting in there on the computer looking at porn on the internet."
"When is the last time you had sex with him?" I asked.
Dawn couldn't answer. She just sat there shaking her head at whatever picture she had in her mind at the time.
"I don't know." She said with an exacerbated sigh. "I don't care.... I'm just ready to move on. There's got to be men out there who aren't perverts and know how to respect a woman."
To Dawn's confusion and maybe embarrassment, I laughed. After a moment Dawn thought that she understood and laughed too. "A guy who's not a pervert and knows how to respect a woman. That is pretty funny." Dawn let herself chuckle again.
"It's not that Dawn." I said. If that's what you want then you need to find a woman."
Dawn just looked blankly at me.
"Dawn. Men are visual. They were made to look at women and women were made to be looked at. Women are smooth and curvy and soft... men aren't. Women instinctively spend time in front of the mirror and in the closet so that they look just the right way... because we know that we're being looked at, we like it, we want to be looked at and admired."
After Dawn didn't speak for a moment I continued. "If a man does those things we think he's gay. He's too feminine. Women like the rugged ways of a man. We're not looking at the men who are soft and curvy, we're looking at the men who are rugged and built. Those are the men we fantasize about. Taking us in their arms in total control and then taking us."
A smile formed on Dawn s lips. "Ohh yea. That's what I like."
"Well, Dawn, men like soft curvy sexy women, especially ones who are willing to let them see all of them. Tony is no different. If you don't let him see you, eventually he's going to go somewhere else to see it... like on the internet."
Dawn tried to be defensive. "I don't look at hunks on the internet. I don't even know if there are hunks on the internet."
"Women aren't visual Dawn. Sure there are hunks on the internet and some women look at them but generally speaking, women aren't visual like that. You liked my description of a rugged man. You formed a picture in your mind. You probably made a porno in your mind just then right?"
Dawn smiled coyly and raised her eyebrows.
"That's the difference. Men do that but they need visual stimulation... we don't. Men look at pictures of a beautiful woman and they can imagine her voice, her perfume, her sitting there with her legs spread saying 'I want nothing more than for you to fuck me Tony.'"
"It's powerful Dawn. If you deny Tony, or any other man you might end up with access to you, if you deny him sex, whether you know about it or not, he will be looking at other women at work or on the internet or worse yet, one of them will notice him and he will eventually sleep with her. You'd have a better chance of changing the spots on a leopard than to change that part of a man."
Dawn's once blank look focused. She shook her head slowly before looking at me.
"Have you and Nick always been like you are now?"
I laughed again. "Oh gosh no. We used to fight like cats and dogs. I think we hated each other at times."
"We definitely hated each other. It is a miracle we're still together. He came to me one day and said that all of this is pointless. He said that he was tired of living like this and knew that I was too and it was either going to change or he had no choice but to make the decision for us to go our separate ways."
I continued telling Dawn my story as it played out in my mind. "That made it very real Dawn. He laid it out on the table so matter of fact. He wasn't hateful he wasn't threatening, it was just 'look this is stupid and I'm tired, I want you but I am at my limit'. And he was Dawn, it had to change or he was going to snap emotionally. I could see it."
"It was like he had been telling me his chest hurt and I kept telling him it was in his mind until one day I saw that he was getting ready to have a heart attack. It really scared me Dawn.
Dawn was speechless. The room seemed so quiet and cold, it reminded me of the very day that the conversation with Nick took place. Dawn finally asked. "What did you do?"
"We looked for answers." I said. "We went to counseling. We read books and we talked. We learned to talk without attacking and we learned to listen to each other without trying to weigh the value of what the other was saying."
"What did you find out?" Dawn asked as if she were asking for that last critical piece of information to the secret of life.
I smiled with a soft calm happiness. "We found out that men and women are different."
That was not what Dawn was expecting. "That's not all though. What was the change?"
"It's how you look at it Dawn. Think about it, really think about it. We are different. It's not enough to know it, you have to accept it... believe it, know it enough to change the way you treat him because of it. Change. Don't worry about him. He's been wrong, you've been wrong, big deal. Move on. Know that there is different and treat him accordingly. You'll see a dramatic change I promise you."
"With that. Don't be mean. Don't belittle him and by all means...fight fair! Don't bring up junk from the past."
"I don't know how to do all of that Vicky. That can't be all of it?"
"Dawn. You just said that you would go find another guy. You are willing to start over right?"
"So start over. What would you do for this new guy? You would dress up for him, entice him. You would have sensuous sex with him and give him access to your body. You would show him how sexual you are because you know that's what he would like. You would suck him and jack him off because you would want him to know how attracted you are to him. Tell me I'm wrong."
Dawn was obviously uncomfortable talking like this. "Probably." Was all she said. That 'probably' was a resounding 'you bet your ass.' I would.
"Girl, the health of a relationship is reflected in the bedroom. I guarantee you that. It's just the way it is and I'm glad.
"So what are you saying I should do with Tony?"
"Let him look at you naked, entice him and then screw his brains out. But don't make him sorry for it. If you use it in an argument against him, the hole your relationship is in will get much deeper. If you fuck him, fuck him gladly and never bring it up again unless it's something nice you want to say."
"You're saying I should just be his whore then?" Dawn was defensive. "Just fuck him whenever he feels the need?"
"I assumed that you like sex. If you're against sex then I don't know what you should do. But if you are willing to go screw some stranger you should be willing to have sex with your husband. Your definition of a whore is backwards Dawn. Do you like sex?"
The mood in the room calmed down again where it was quiet again.
"Do you think about it very often?" I asked.
"Do you act on it?"
Dawn looked at me and then away. "What do you mean 'act on it?"
"Act on it. Do you go tell Tony you want to have sex or dress up and try to entice him to make a move on you?"
Dawn shook her head. "No, not really."
"Do you satisfy yourself?"
"Sometimes." Dawn said. "Not too often though."
"What, do you have some toys or do you just do it yourself?"
Dawn was painfully uncomfortable and hesitated before answering.
"I have a few things." Dawn finally admitted. "I just have to be careful so Tony doesn't find them or find out."
"Why is that?" I asked.
"I don't know, he'd make it dirty or something."
"You have never let Tony see you use those things?"
"Oh geeze, are you kidding?" Dawn recoiled. "No way!"
"Have you ever let Tony just watch you, you know, lying on the bed naked or anything like that?"
I was convinced that that nearly mortified Dawn. "No way! Why would I do that? What, act like those sluts he looks like on the internet?"
"Absolutely!" I said as if she finally got it.
"You're kidding right?"
"No Dawn. This is it. You want the secret and this is it but you're saying no way. Dawn, this is it."
"Okay. So you and Nick came to an understanding. What was the first thing you did?"
"I had sex with him."
"And?" Dawn asked.
"And it wasn't good. I had pushed him away for so long that he didn't trust my motives. He thought that I was doing it for some other reason. That was when I realized what I had done. Part of it anyway."
"So what, you just kept screwing him until he became comfortable again?" Dawn said with mild sarcasm.
I ignored the jab. "No. No matter how much we did it, that didn't go away. He no longer trusted me. Actually in fact, his mistrust grew and he soon didn't want sex. It didn't matter how much I tried to entice him, he just didn't care anymore. His mistrust soon outweighed the desire to have sex.
Dawn was listening now. "You're saying that even if you stripped naked and laid it all out for him, he wouldn't do it?"
"That's what I'm saying Dawn. I did that very thing too. I dressed up in all kinds of outfits from sexy to trashy and everything in between. I looked at the pictures of women he downloaded from the internet and dressed and posed and acted like them and he didn't respond. And you know what Dawn?"
"I knew at that very moment, I felt exactly like he had all of those years and it hurt. Being rejected like that was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. The worst thing about it was that he wasn't doing it to hurt me like I had with him. I intentionally hurt him like that. Nick was just scared."
Dawn waited and then asked with a voice of concern. "So what did you do?"
"I had to put up or shut up. I had to show him that I trusted him. I gave him a computer full of nude pictures of me to look at whenever he wanted to."
"You what?" Dawn said staggered. "How did you know he wouldn't show them to anyone!?"
"I didn't. I didn't even consider it. After what I had done to him over the years if that made him feel better so be it. But I really didn't think about it. They were his to do with as he chose."
"And that changed things?"
"A little. The first change was when I accidentally caught him looking at them and he was getting ready to masturbate. His dick was out of his pants. He tried to cover himself quickly when I walked in but he knew I saw him. He looked so defeated. He just closed his eyes and sighed and then said 'I'm sorry.' I didn't know what he had on his computer. It could have been an internet girl for all I knew, I didn't really care..."
"...I said 'it's okay Nick, I'm sorry, I should have knocked first.' Nick just shook his head and started zipping up. I didn't want to leave him humiliated so I said 'no don't do that please. I want you to. I want to see you.'"
Dawn was taken aback but she was listening to every word so I continued. "I went to him and pulled his pants back apart and told him to go ahead. I didn't say it but I was going to be a part of his sex life even if it was part of a fantasy. I lowered myself to the floor with my face in his lap and sucked him..."
I lifted up and said 'You don't have to be quiet. Tell her what you're thinking.' He didn't say anything. I knew that I was pushing him over some ledge and at the time that's what I was trying to do. I wanted to get him to break out of the place he was in and trust me. I was in his world now..."
"'Do you want to fuck her Nick?' I asked stroking his dick. He didn't say anything. 'Do you want to fuck her Nick?' I asked more forcefully. 'Yes.' He said yes and I started sucking him and jacking him off slowly. 'Tell her you want to fuck her Nick, tell her.' I said in the same tone. He did. Nick started to voice what was hidden in his head. I said 'tell her how it is Nick, tell her exactly what your thinking.' I heard him stammer and sigh so I said it again..."
"Tell her what you're thinking Nick. It was after all of this that I noticed another big change in our relationship."
"What did he say?" Dawn burst out.
"The first thing that came out of his mouth was 'You fucking bitch!'" I smiled at Dawn to reassure her because she was instantly shocked.
"He said 'you fucking bitch spread your legs and show me your pussy.' I was sucking him and stroking. I could feel his cock get harder and harder as he continued until it was hot... I mean his cock was burning and throbbing in my hand and mouth. It was intense..."
After that he just started talking. He said 'open your pussy and show it to me, yea, I'm gonna suck your tits while you finger your pussy you bitch. Yea, I'm gonna finger your pussy now and show you how it's done. Mmmm, how about three fingers in your wet cunt. I'm gonna lick every drop of come off of your pussy and my fingers..."
"...Lay back and spread your legs so I can eat your pussy, Yea. Oh fuck, I'd lick every inch of your pussy you bitch, I'd suck your pussy dry. Yea, get your legs apart and finger it while I eat it. Suck my throbbing cock you bitch. Yea, you'd suck it and suck it while I eat your pussy. ' He made some noise and then just said 'bend over bitch. I wanna fuck your pussy, yea, I wanna fuck it with my cock, I'll fuck you and fuck you and fuck you.'..."
"When he started saying that I really started sucking him and jacking him off fast. Finally I felt a little warm come on my tongue and then his body tightened and he released totally. His come fired into my throat. He just kept coming and coming..."
"I had never swallowed and always swore that I never would, I had told him that before too, but that day in front of that computer I swallowed every bit of it. And I guarantee you that it was a lot and it wasn't that bad. I was actually very wet while this was going on. It sounds really weird now but it wasn't. I got to see first hand what kind of energy and even anger was inside of my husband."
"So what happened?" Dawn asked.
"I raised my head and thanked him for letting me be a part of it. His face was red and his eyes were getting moist. I think he was embarrassed and scared and relieved. I looked at the computer screen and the pictures of me were flashing in order in a slide show. He didn't make it that long but when I looked up there were pictures of me with a dildo on the screen, some of the pictures I had him take..."
"...I told him that if he ever wanted to do that again to just let me know. I said 'If you want to do that for real just tell me when, I'll suck your cock, finger my pussy, whatever you want to do." With that I kissed him on the head and left."
"You have got to be kidding, no way!"
"Yes way." I smiled. It took a while but we have a lot of fun now. That's why I asked if you ever used your toys while Tony watched. Sometimes I'll start using mine hoping that Nick will catch me. He stripped once and just watched. I'm sitting there just pleasing myself and looking at his hard body five feet away. He started masturbating using my come for lubricant. I know it sounds gross but it was amazing. Every time he wiped the come from my pussy and rubbed it into his shaft my head swam. I just kept getting more and more turned on. I wanted more and more..."
"...I have two toys. One smaller one that I use on my clit and another that's pretty big. I had the bigger one inside of me. The nubs and ribs were touching all over...deep. I held it and picked up the smaller one. Nick picked up the lube and squirted it onto it. He knew that I was gong to work my clit or try to slide it in with the other one. I had done that before..."
"...I turned it on with my thumb and put it down with the other inside of me and then lowered it. I slid it into my other hole. Had Nick and I not have gone through this I would've never done that. I had always thought about it. The thought turned me on but I wouldn't have done it. My whole body lit up and jerked and I came, no I ejaculated. When I did that, Nick began stroking his hard penis and shot hot come all over my body. I almost fell out of my chair."
Dawn just looked blankly at me. I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted, offended or anything, good or bad.
"What are you thinking?" I said more than a little concerned.
Dawn just shook her head slowly. "I don't know. I'm turned on. I want what you have but I don't know. I'm not that comfortable with my body. I don't think I could do that."
"Sure you can." I told her. "That's part of the turn on is being so open and uncovered and having someone watch you doing what we're taught we shouldn't do or that we should hide." I had said it a little fast but was excited that Dawn was opening herself so I added "If that makes any sense." I allowed myself a small embarrassed laugh.
"Doesn't it put your marriage into a different perspective though Dawn?"
Dawn just nodded her head but then she shook it. "It's not that easy Vicky."