LST3K Ep. 08: The Fandom Menace

The four normal Femtroopers fell inert within seconds, leaving only the two elite Femtroopers. When he heard the throne room doors open, he corrected his thinking to account for the two guards from outside.

Lance swept his hand in a quick gesture that destroyed every comlink in the room and slammed all the doors through his command of the Aura. He knew that the elites had shields that protected them from ray blasts, so he leapt toward the two at the head of the room with his proton blade whirling.

He deflected more ray blasts, and then slashed one of the troopers with his weapon. The searing blade cut through the Femtroopers weapon, her breastplate, and the breast beneath.

Dark: That was udderly uncalled for!

Malkor: Just carve off some the breast meat for me, thanks.

The second Femtrooper fell to a sidelong slash that nearly cut her in two at the trim waist.

Lance spun to deflect the blasts from the Femtroopers approaching him from behind. The returning blasts harmlessly scattered on the elite clones' shields.

One of the Femtroopers slipped up on DP,

Dark: Sounds like the blooper reel of a porn video.

Malkor: "Now pool boy, please try to look like you don't know you're going to get laid."

pulling out a restraining disk that would immobilize the Attendbot. With a womanish scream, DP fell to the floor in a fetal position. Surprised by the sudden action, the Femtrooper tripped over the cowering bot.

The second trooper tried to do the same to M8, but the little bot managed to quickly hover out of the way. A panel on M8's spherical body opened, thrusting out a cock-shaped appendage. The sex toy ejaculated a thick stream of synth-cum into the Femtrooper's eyes, blinding her.

Dark: Yep, definitely sounding like the blooper reel from a porno here.

Malkor: Lucky Femtrooper, she's blind now. Sure you don't want me to get the spoon?

Dark: It's getting more tempting by the second.

She tried to wipe the sticky fluid off the visual sensors of her helmet, but a second compartment in M8's body opened, sending out a small probe that generated a sharp crack of electricity when it contacted the Femtrooper's plastisteel armor. The Femtrooper fell in a twitching heap to the floor.

Lance reached DP just as the Femtrooper regained her feet and cut her down. He turned to dispatch the final clone, but he saw it cease to twitch and freeze in place.

"Guards, there is a male in the throne room," Leigh shouted into the comlink.

"Waste of time, Leigh," Lance remarked as his proton blade fizzle out.

Dark: He then quickly dug into his pockets for a bottle of Aura Viagra.

Leigh realized the truth of his words and snatched up a blaster. Lance reached out with the Aura and snatched the weapon out of her hand.

Dark: Snatch, snatch, snatch. What do you think is actually on the author's mind here?

Malkor: The author has a mind?

Script: Whoever said "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" never had to read this.

"Don't make me hurt you, Leigh. We need to remind you of who you are so you can break out of whatever the Fempire has done to you."

"I have no problem hurting you," she sneered and curled her fingers into claws.

Lance doubled over as he felt his nuts being crushed.

Dark: *Whistling the Nutcracker Suite*

He lashed out with the Aura instinctively, countering her grip and hurling her into the pile of cushions. He leapt into a somersault, crossing the thirty feet between them in a single bound. Somehow, the Fempire had given her the ability to use the dark side of the Aura. He knew that he had to break the control quickly.

He grasped her wrists in his hands and pinned her down to the cushions as he landed atop her, knocking the wind out of her. He knew it was coming, but he still nearly caught off-guard by her mental intrusion.

Dark: "He still nearly caught off-guard"? What the hell? Did he have to use Mongo as a scab because of the writer's strike a while back?

He fought her off with his own mind powers, and managed to thrust out with the Aura, rendering her senseless for a few precious seconds.

Dark: Which put them on even footing.

Script: This piece is rendering me senseless.

He quickly willed his hologram projector into his hand, and then spit out a curse when he saw it was broken. The projector contained a recording of a man and woman having sex, the only means to break the brainwashing of the Fempire.

"Sorry, Leigh. It's not that I don't want to, but I don't want to force it on you either. There's no other way."

Leigh's head weakly thrashed as she tried to shake off the shock of his mental blast. Lance knew he had only a precious few seconds left, and took advantage of them to jerk down his trousers and force her legs apart.

Dark: Foul! Okay, this is just wrong as hell...

Malkor: Like there's been anything right about this story?

"No!" Leigh squealed as he thrust his dick inside her. Her eyes popped open and she fearfully looked down at his buried tool. She struggled with all her strength for a second, and then her body relaxed. She let out a long moan and trembled, fresh wetness rushing to lubricate her pussy.

"I hate you," she panted as pleasure swelled within her.

"I know," Lance grunted in response as he thrust into her hot pussy.

"But, I love your cock. Fuck me," she gasped.

Lance knew exactly how to make Leigh cum. He'd done it often enough before their falling out. He wasn't ready to get married, but she was. He'd ran off to devote his life to his training and avoid her marriage trap.

Dark: We couldn't have covered this earlier? No back-story in the middle of fuckie-suckie, Daniel-san.

Malkor: I'm surprised we have the time to cover this now. This must be one of those flash-backs that only take, like, a nano-second.

She'd chased him down simply to slap him. Despite her anger, she'd still fallen into bed with him before returning home. They were good together, and she simply couldn't resist it.

So, he knew she was about to cum. The Fempire's control over her was broken, but neither of them wanted to stop now. The women snuck back into the room upon hearing the sounds of pleasure, and immediately snapped free of the Fempire's control upon seeing Lance pounding Leigh's pussy.

Leigh screamed as she came, squeezing him tight in her clinging pussy. She pinched her nipples and pulled them out, still gasping and screaming.

Dark: No wonder she's screaming, she just pulled her nipples out! If I was him, I'd be screaming too.

Lance kept thrusting, and was just about to cum too.

Leigh's eyes opened and she saw the look on Lance's face. "Don't cum inside me," she gasped out in alarm.

Lance jerked his big dick from her clinging cunt and blew his hot load all over her.

Dark: Surely you can ram a couple more adjectives in there?

Script: I see where Lance gets his finesse.

She started fingering her pussy as he covered her in cum. He squirted her with the last of his man-juice and then collapsed to the cushions next to her.

"W-what happened?" Leigh asked. She was still trembling and gasping from cumming. "I remember being captured... The next thing I know, you're fucking me and I'm about to cum."

"The Fempire brainwashed you. It was the only way to break their control over you," Lance groaned.

Dark: You didn't exactly explore any other options there, Lance.

Malkor: Wow, he got out a whole sentence, he should be snoring any second now.

"You're so good," Leigh moaned. "I still hate you, though." She sat up from the cushions and asked, "Did you find Em-Eight?"

M8 hovered over and beeped excitedly.

"The rebellion has what they need, and they had one base that even you didn't know about. That's the only reason they're not all in the cum suckers." Lance sat up. "I'm going to put a stop to this. They all gave up when you were captured. I realized how pitiful I was acting when I saw them.

Dark: Pitiful acting is just such an appropriate phrase...

Malkor: Shh...he's trying to have a noble moment here.

I'm going to take out Vulvena and the Empress for the good of the galaxy, and in memory of all the Aura Knights those two bitches killed."

Dark: I'm sure this sounds so noble with him face down in the cushions in a post-come coma.

"I'll help. We'll all help."

Lance growled and pulled up his pants. "You're not coming with me, though. You have to stay here and rally the rebellion."

Malkor: Of course she's not coming with you, no woman can come with a milli-second of stimulation.

"What about the Femtroopers?"

"Order all the Femtroopers on the planet here for an orgy or something so we can capture them. We can implant neural transmitters in a couple of them and force them to keep up the illusion that the Fempire is in control here. I have a plan, but I need to talk to the rebellion leaders across the galaxy."

"I'll call them."

Lance pointed toward the aroused women standing at the back of the room, many of whom were touching themselves in ways they would never consider doing in public. "Until they get that out of their system, they're going to be useless. We're going to need their help."

He gestured for M8 to approach and told the bot, "Go to it, Mate."

M8 ejected his vibrating attachment with a happy beep.

"You too, genius. I know you're equipped for it and programmed for it."

Dark: Lance seems rather intimately acquainted with that function, doesn't he?

"Oh dear," DP lamented as the women swarmed toward the two Attendbots and the appendages they so desperately needed inside them.

Malkor: Oh good, another drink. I was starting to sober up.

Script: A fate worse than death.

****

"For the last time, I am coming with you," Leigh reiterated.

Dark: Better get a head start if you want to cross the finish line with the minuteman, Leigh.

A vase hurtled across the room to shatter over Lance's left shoulder. "You see? I don't know how, but I can feel the Aura now. I can help you. You can't possibly handle Vulvena and the Empress alone."

Lance opened his mouth to protest, but sighed and failed to do so. He had his own doubts about his ability to survive his mission. "Wait here."

"Oh no, you're not fooling me like that. The moment you..."

"Leigh, you have my word as an Aura Knight that I'll be right back."

Leigh repeated Lance's action from a minute earlier and left her protest unsaid. She knew him well enough to know that he wouldn't break that promise under any circumstances.

A few minutes later, Lance walked back down the ramp of the Raptor. He had something in his hand, but Leigh couldn't tell what it was in the low light of the secret hanger.

Dark: Trust me, Leigh, you don't want to know!

As he approached, he ignited the golden proton blade for a second and held it in front of him. "This was my Master's photon blade. Show me you can handle it and I'll stop arguing with you.

Dark: Is this leading up to some freaky S&M thing?

Malkor: Well, at least it's not a Violet Wand.

Lance then shouted to M8, "Mate, get over here."

Dark: It's getting creepier!

"How does it work?" Leigh asked.

"If you can't figure that out, then we're already done."

Leigh's eyes hardened, and then opened wide in surprise. She swept the photon blade out to her side and ignited it.

Dark: And I see your Scwartz is as big as mine! Now, let's see if you know how to handle it.

"I do know how to do it," she murmured with a note of awe.

Lance had to admit that he was surprised. He had suspected that she could sense how to ignite the weapon, but hadn't expected it to happen so quickly. "Okay, then. Mate, set your exterminator blaster to its lowest setting and target Leigh with it."

M8 beeped and buzzed in protest, hovering up into Lance's face, his motivator now repaired and functioning properly. The Attendbot thrust out its exterminator blaster and pointed it at Lance, and the Aura Knight didn't need a translator to understand what the little robot was saying.

Dark: Do you feel lucky, Punk?

Malkor: I'll feel lucky if I get to the end of this story with my sanity intact.

Script: Way too late.

"Relax, Em-Eight," Leigh laughed.

"This is going to sting, Leigh," Lance warned.

Leigh raised the proton blade in front of her and countered, "Only if he can hit me."

Dark: Judging by what we've seen already, the bot has been hitting her on a regular basis.

Malkor: Along with the rest of the football, baseball and basketball teams.

"Do it, Mate."

M8 hesitated for another moment before firing off a blast that struck Leigh on the hip.

"Relax. Feel the Aura, let it speak to you. Don't think. Just react," Lance instructed.

Leigh rubbed the burn on her hip and then stuck her finger through the tiny hole in her borrowed pants. She brought the photon blade back up again. "Okay."

M8 fired again, and Leigh jerked the photon blade to deflect the blast down into her foot.

Dark: May as well throw out the purse that matched those shoes.

She winced, but kept the blade in front of her and ignored the pain.

"Random pattern, keep them coming," Lance ordered the Attendbot, more than a little surprised that she'd managed to deflect the blast at all.

M8 fired off a series of four blasts. Leigh deflected all four shots, and managed to redirect two of the blasts back toward the Attendbot, where the energy dissipated against the bot's shield. M8's second volley was much the same, except Leigh reflected all four blasts directly back to their source.

"Enough," Lance ordered.

Leigh whirled the photon blade in a complex series of maneuvers, and then let the blade go out.

Dark: Ending the talent portion of the Miss Galaxy pageant.

"How am I doing this?"

"It's the Aura, Leigh. It's not perfect, but you're moving a lot like my Master. He carried that blade for four decades, and it was like a part of him. That part of him is still in it, and you're able to use it."

"I think I understand. I can almost feel him guiding my hands."

Dark: Probably under your blouse if he trained Lance.

Malkor: I wonder if his master's master was named Bobbitt.

"Vulvena isn't going to come after you with a blaster, though." Lance leapt into motion, igniting his photon blade and bringing it down toward Leigh.

Blue and gold clashed in a cascade of sparks as Leigh ignited her photon blade and brought it up to block. Lance disengaged and swung at Leigh's legs, once again finding her blade there to intercept his.

Leigh went on the offensive, stabbing forward in a maneuver that almost brought a tear to Lance's eye with its striking similarity to his slain Master.

Dark: What you gonna do? You gonna cry, you big baby?

She wasn't as physically conditioned as the Aura Knight had been, which gave Lance the opportunity to grab her wrist. He jerked her toward him and bent her wrist, forcing her to drop the weapon. She collided with him and cried out in protest of the pain in her wrist.

"That weapon is your life. Drop it, and you're dead."

The hiss of the photon blade igniting in midair was the only warning Lance had before Leigh pushed him away with a shove of Aura force. He blocked her overhand slash and used his own powers to find his feet.

Dark: What do you know! They were right there hiding under my beer belly all this time!

Both combatants charged each other simultaneously, colliding in a clash of photon blades. They stared into each other's eyes, locked in a stalemate with their blades above their heads. Sweat rolled down both their faces, and they breathed heavily.

Dark: Through their mouths, most likely.

Suddenly, Leigh leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. The hiss of two proton blades extinguishing preceded the sound of the weapons clattering to the floor. She pushed her hand beneath his trousers to feel the hardness of his prick while she kissed him hungrily.

She gasped as their lips parted, and then again when he grasped her jacket and jerked, popping open all the buttons. He pulled off his shirt as she jerked down his trousers.

Dark: Gasped and grasped and jerked and popped. Does this sound like a Roadrunner cartoon in anyone else's head?

Makor: Meep, Meep.

They moved toward the Raptor, tearing off clothing all along the way. Both were nude when they reached the entrance ramp. Lance sucked her right nipple and her hand stroked his dick while she humped against his leg.

Dark: No! Down, Princess! Somebody get a garden hose!

Script: I think the finishing school owes someone a refund.

Leigh pulled his lips away from her tit and dropped to her knees.

Lance growled and grabbed her hair as she sucked his prick into her mouth. She slurped up and down his shaft with wild abandon, her hair whipping back and forth. He let her suck him for a few strokes, and then pulled her upward by the hair. Her mouth felt incredible, but that wasn't where he wanted his dick.

He spun her around as soon as she regained her feet.

Dark: And then dipped her, getting in some practice for when he eventually joins a b-list cast of washed up performers on Dancing with the Stars.

She knew exactly what he wanted, and bent over to grasp a crossbar of the entrance ramp. Lance stepped in behind her and pushed his cock inside her.

"Fuck me hard, Lance," Leigh groaned as his dick filled her pussy.

Lance responded by slamming his hips forward hard enough that she had to grab the bar tighter. He pulled one hand from her hips to smack her heart-shaped ass as he drove his pussy splitter home.

Dark: Can someone please drive me home? Or off a cliff? Either is preferable to suffering through this.

"Fuck me. Spank my ass. Do it," she demanded in a combination of gasps and squeals. Lance bent over her and grabbed her tits, squeezing them and pinching the nipples while he continued to pound her sloppy canal.

Dark: That's it, I'm not poling this gondola one more inch until someone cleans up this sloppy canal!

When he stood back up, he slammed his dick into her even harder, grunting with exertion with each thrust.

Leigh let out a broken scream when she started cumming. Lance kept pounding her, about to blow his load too. When he knew he was going to cum, he pulled his prick out of her cunt with a gasp. He grabbed his dick,

Dark: And snapped out one white-gloved hand with a scream. Go Moonwalker! Err... Starseeker!

but Leigh spun around and dropped to her knees before he could stroke it more than once.

Leigh sucked her pussy juice off his dick until he busted a nut in her mouth. She let him go with a long slurp when he stopped pumping cream.

Dark: Reliving his brief career at Starbucks.

Script: I'll never look at a Caramel Frapp the same way.

She stood up and walked up the ramp as he leaned against the support bars of the entrance ramp.

He grunted and followed her sexy ass up the ramp, knowing she'd suck him hard again in a few minutes.

"I will never understand humans," DP chided as he picked up discarded clothing.

****

Lance grunted and shrugged.

Dark: This guy grunts more than Tim Allen.

"Couldn't be helped. We had to contact the other rebel pockets in order to coordinate everything to happen at once. The Fempire was going to triangulate and find us eventually. We'll just have to hope it wasn't too soon."

Dark: "What, like that scene we skipped in the ship, one minute wonder?"