LST3K Ep. 11: Earth Duh

"We thought we'd kill two birds with one stone today," my mother answered nonchalantly.

Dark: How appropriate for an Earth Day story constantly decrying the mindless killing of animals.

What the fuck? "Huh?" I grunted as we drove north through Bar Harbour.

"Research ... for the company," Annika said with a grin as we crossed over Haulover Cut.

Haulover Cut? "Oh no we're not," I exclaimed as Annika turned the car into the Haulover Beach parking lot.

Dark: This dialogue must have been spaced out over ten minutes in Florida traffic.

"I'm not getting out of the car," I announced as the car came to a stop.

"Alright, we'll see you in a couple of hours then," my mother announced.

Dark: Anyone else have an announcement to make?

"They're nudists, you're my mother, my sister," I yelled as they walked away from me. I rushed after them!

Dark: I unbuckled my seat belt! I opened the car door!

****

Dark: Why the scene separator? It's what — five seconds later?

There's no reason a person should be embarrassed to be naked in front of his own mother. Heck, I'd slipped naked from her body. I was part of her.

Nor should I have been embarrassed to look upon the body that had borne me.

But I was! And I didn't know where to look as mom pulled the t-shirt over her head and then unsnapped her bra.

Dark: How about in any other direction? I know that's a lot to ask of this dimwit.

Then let out a soft groan as she pushed her shorts and panties down her legs.

"You're staring," Annika accused. But I think she said the words so just I'd turn a little attention towards her as she unsnapped her bra. Great tits! Not as big as moms. Not as full or round. But they were outstanding I conceded to myself. So were moms. Were mom's nipples hard?

Of course I got a hard-on. Which wasn't good. What kind of pervert was I anyway I wondered. Mom had a thick, untrimmed pelt of pubic hair growing at her groin.

Dark: Another fine bit of imagery for Earth Day — Beaver pelts! Wonder if you could make a hat...

Annika's was trimmed.

"You guys shouldn't be here," I announced seriously.

"Okay gramps," my sister replied.

Dark: Oh, now she's replying — when nobody asked a question!

"Its research Axel ... for the company. We actually found the model for 'El Toro' here," mom said. 'El Toro' was our fourth highest grossing dildo. "Christ, what did you do? Go up and tell him you'd like to see and measure his erection?"

Dark: This should be disqualified as an Earth Day story on the basis of the artificial dialogue alone.

my eyes were still flicking back and forth between mom and Annika. I also couldn't help notice all the guys within fifty yards were also checking them out.

"We're a little more subtle than that dear brother, and it's not our fault that you're too embarrassed to take off your clothes,"

Dark: What do these two statements have to do with each other? It's like all the dialogue is just drawn randomly out of a hat.

my sister announced as she stood up and started to flounce off towards the ocean. Two hundred sets of eyes followed her cute little ass.

Dark: Can instantly count people on the beach without taking his eyes off his mother and sister, but can't manage to capitalize the first word of a sentence.

"I'm not-" I started but then stopped as I saw neighboring eyes turn towards me.

"I'm not embarrassed," I said softly to my mother, "it's just that you're family ... I mean its ..."

"You work for the company now Axel," my mom chastened and then she too stood up and walked down to the water.

I watched them for minutes as they stood knee deep in the gently lapping waves. Men approached them. Cocks flapping!

Dark: Flapping? Is he mixing up guys and seagulls here?

I watched my mom and my younger sister as they talked to these horny bastards, guys I knew who would just love to throw them down on the sand and ravage them.

I checked repeatedly to make sure none of these nudist Romeos got a hard-on. I knew that if just one of them did I'd be on top of them in a second.

Dark: Don't you think you should maybe start a conversation with they guy before jumping on him? He might not swing that way.

Meanwhile my penis softened. I felt him as he slowly reduced the bulge he'd been making in my shorts. Should I take them off I asked myself. I quickly glanced over at mom and Annie. They weren't looking my way. Why not? A button. Then my zipper. Looked up again to see in anyone was watching. No one. I quickly pushed my shorts and underwear down my legs. Looked around again as my penis lifted his head and looked around.

Dark: "Thank god! Air!"

"Do not get hard!" I ordered my penis.

Dark: "Shut up!" It announced back. "I'd tell you to go fuck yourself, except I'd have to be involved."

Unfortunately I said the words aloud. A girl ten yards to my right looked up and giggled.

Then I felt it! Knew I couldn't stop it. Should I cover him up? Or run for the water? I asked myself silently. A second later I was moving toward the ocean!

Dark: Were there bullets flying? Maybe the tiger from the beginning of the story was chasing you? Why all the excitement with the exclamation point?

Quickly. And just as my feet splashed into the surf I heard my sister's, "Look, it's Axel," echo loudly across the water.

Mom and Annie of course immediately waded over to join me.

"Well, well," she started when she'd got over to me, "you know, maybe we got lucky again today mom."

"Don't say a word," I hissed back.

Dark: How do you hiss that sentence without sounding like something out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon?

"It's definitely nicer than 'El Toro'," Annie continued.

"Don't tease your brother," mom told her daughter but both of them had big grins on their faces.

"And much bigger." I was quickly approaching full erection. "And getting even bigger," she added, then whistled.

"A girl your age shouldn't be allowed to see one of these," I answered.

Dark: The only time a question gets answered in this story is when nobody asked one!

There was no way I was going to let her run over me.

Dark: I'd not only let her, I'd loan her my car.

My cock was continuing to grow. I turned so that those on shore couldn't see anything and then took a step into deeper water. Fully hard now my cockhead just broke through the surface.

"We could call it 'Count Axel Rod'. The Swedish Sausage." My mother started to laugh at her daughters words.

Dark: This story is harder to follow than directions from the invisible man.

"Annie!" I warned even as I realized I was loving the attention. And the 'Count' was too.

"And since he's an employee we wouldn't have to pay any royalties."

"Ha, ha. You don't pay any royalties now." I'd actually checked when I'd been in the office that morning and knew now that the world's greatest golfer had absolutely nothing to do with 'Tiger Woody'.

Dark: Just now figuring that one out, are we?

"You know Axel, we have a Professor of Biomechanics that measures them for us," my sister explained.

"You do?"

"Uh huh. At the U. They developed a special MRI laser box thing for us."

Dark: The Large Hardon Collider?

The water was lapping against her trimmed pussy as the waves hit us. My cock was silently watching.

Dark: Trying to figure out a way to make a break for it.

"They use a laser on someone's penis?" Just the thought made him shrivel a bit.

"It's completely safe Axel."

"I'll bet! God, no ones ever going to put mine in an MRI laser," I promised.

Dark: That's a pretty safe bet, considering MRI isn't laser technology. Your average fifth grader is more tech-savvy than our cardboard protagonist.

"Just think, you could be a best seller," my sister said as she glanced downward. "Is his as big as dad's was?" Annie asked mom.

"Bigger," my mother answered as she continued to watch my bobbing cockhead.

Thursday, March 26th, School of Engineering, U of M, Coral Gables

Dark: Yet another transition clumsier than a Gerald Ford convention.

"I'm Doctor Armstrong," the woman, her hand outstretched, said when Annika and I were escorted into the office. It had taken my sister just three days to convince me into having my cock measured.

"This is my brother Axel," my sister answered as I shook hands with the woman who had a PhD in biomechanical engineering. She also just happened to be a stunner.

Dark: That was just her using her Taser on you.

"But you're a woman-" I started, my surprise evident as the blush spread across my face.

Dark: You're not barefoot or pregnant!

"Women can be scientists too Mr. Business Major," my sister scolded, a wide grin on her lips. She certainly hadn't warned me that the person who was going to supervise the imaging of my penis was drop dead gorgeous.

But the scientist was as surprised as I was. The tone of her answering, "Your brother?" announced her incredulity.

Dark: Cripes, even incredulity is making announcements now.

"Axel feels he might be capable of being one of our subjects." She lifted her eyebrows as she spoke, clearly indicating she thought I was crazy. "Mom and I decided to humor him." Again a raising of her eyes.

Dark: She raised her eyes? Penis MRIs and alien sisters; did we stumble onto the set of Men in Black 3?

I said nothing. I decided to leave it for later to get back at her. The Doctor looked confused, clearly not sure if some joke was being played. And if so on who.

Still, five minutes later Annie had been exiled to the waiting room and I'd been led to the Doctors lab. "Are you really her brother?" were the first words she asked when we found ourselves alone.

"Apparently," I answered, but then added, "mind you we've never tested Annie's DNA." Words which broke the ice and brought a grin to the Doc's lips.

Dark: Oh ho ho! Ah, what a knee slapper! Leave comedy to the bears, Axel. Wokka Wokka.

The Doc however wasn't much for small talk and once we were in her lab she quickly started explaining the procedure. "Please remove your pants Mr. Succorious," she asked as soon as she'd given me the barest outline of the procedure.

Dark: Asking involves a question. Answering involves a question. Arrgh!

"Oh my," the beautiful scientist gasped when I pushed my pants and boxers down my thighs. My freed cock bounced angrily up against my stomach.

Dark: Don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Dark: As if bouncing against the overhanging beer gut is a great feat...

Noticing she added, "Well it certainly doesn't look like you're going to need any chemical help in achieving an erection."

"Do your subjects normally need help?" I asked innocently, suddenly enjoying myself. There was something in the young, married scientist's eyes that announced she wasn't the cold, calculating scientist of science fiction movies.

Dark: How the hell does he know she's married?

"You'll have to maintain the erection for some fifteen minutes," she cautioned. I nodded. "I'll show you the imaging room now." I followed her as she led me across the room. "I'll monitor the test from here," she said as we passed a desk laden with computer screens and facing a window that looked into a small room.

"This is our penis imaging machine, I designed it myself," the scientist announced proudly once we were in the other room.

"It goes where?" I asked. "You're sure it's safe?" I didn't like the look of the gizmo she was leading me toward. A large number of wires were running out of the box that was approximately six inches by six inches by about fifteen inches long. It looked like something a twelve year old might have made in his garage for some high school science project.

Dark: Funny, I have similar thoughts about this story as I read it.

"Your penis goes through this hole ... your testicular sack also," she directed.

Dark: Testicular sack? Look up the word 'scrotum' for the love of Pete!

"But-"

"Don't be nervous," she said sweetly.

It's not your penis I thought. "In here?" I asked when I'd approached the machine and pointed to a three inch diameter opening.

"Let me lift the top off first," she said, then I watched as she removed the shiny stainless steel cover.

"I don't think-" I started as I tried to back up from the wire filled contraption she'd exposed.

"Its fine Axel, I promise you," she good Doctor enticed,

Dark: She good Doctor enticed. Me Mongo only pawn in game of life.

then she grabbed my throbbing penis and pulled me toward the open box. I watched silently as she placed my cock on a plate of glass that bisected the space.

"Jesus," I whimpered when she fastened two Velcro straps around it. Then she tucked my balls into a circular space specially designed for them and then reattached the top.

"It won't hurt, I promise," she reassured as she backed away from me. "and if you feel you're losing your erection call me and I'll come in and give you a shot."

Dark: What's she going to inject him with — Fix-A-Flat?

"A shot of what?" But she was already through the door which she then firmly shut. What am I fucking doing I asked myself as I watched the doctor through the glass. A second later the machine started to hum ominously.

****

Dark: Are the asterisks some sort of hidden code or something? Why are they here?

But it turned out not to be that bad. That is after the absolute terror had passed. I even started to enjoy myself. I checked out the good doctor through the glass as she played around with various dials and stuff. Then I decided to have a little fun!

"I'm losing it ...

Dark: You lost it long, long ago.

my erection," I said aloud into the empty room. I'd put just a touch of panic into my voice.

"It looks fine on the computer Axel," the doc spoke into the microphone on her desk, then looked up and asked, "Would you like me to give you an injection?" I watched as she help up a wicked looking syringe.

Dark: She help up syringe. Nice lady.

"What about if you-" I let my voice trail away.

"If I what?" she asked as she pushed the plunger on the syringe partly down to test it. A stream of whatever was in it arced out across the room.

"I'm not having you put that in me," I promised.

Dark: Now there's a line the author probably has some real experience with.

"It won't hurt." There was a plea in her voice. She clearly didn't want her test ruined.

"What if you just took off your top," I suggested.

Dark: I hope she has a panic button on that desk.

"The needle will work immediately," she answered.

"So will your breasts," I offered back.

"I'm married."

Dark: He knows. He traveled into the future a few paragraphs back.

"It's for science doctor. For the environment." I was both teasing and challenging her. She knew it was a game, that I was playing with her, but I could also see that she was amused.

wondered later why'd she done it?

Dark: No, I'm wondering why you can't manage elementary school grammar.

Why she calmly unbuttoned the buttons on her blouse and then slipped her lacy demi bra off what proved to be one of the most magnificent racks I'd ever seen. Maybe just to bring a little fun into a dull day I guessed. Her eyes sought out mine as her nipples hardened, I think daring me to look down. I did. She smiled. The test went on.

****

Five minutes later

Dark: Noticing a pattern here?

she announced as she stood, "The test is over Axel. You passed with flying colors." Then she came into the little lab and released my penis from its restraints. She hadn't bothered to cover her breasts.

Dark: Just when you thought this story couldn't get any more unbelievable.

"Everything worked?" I asked.

"Uh huh. C'mon, I'll show you,"

Dark: Yep, that sounds like dialogue from a scientist. *roll eyes*

she said as she led me over to the bank of screens that sat on her desk. On the middle screen, in color, my penis floated in a three dimensional view. "I can look at it from any angle," she said as she rotated it on the screen.

"What's that?" I asked as I pointed at a table of numbers that appeared in the corner of the screen.

Dark: All while she still has her tits out and he's wagging his huge imaginary erection in her face.

"Your overall dimensions. And this screen can show a cross section of any part of your penis," she said as she touched the screen to her left. Fucking weird I thought. "The computer can now write the program for the computer driven lathes that will make the wooden dildos."

"CAD/CAM?"

She nodded yes and then added, "And if the field trials show any problems with your penis I can adjust the penis program with just a few turns of my cursor."

Dark: Adjust the penis program... Everybody in this story graduated from Fooled U.

"Why? Do you think something's wrong with it?"

"And I can also compare you to other Succorious products on this screen," she added as she ignored my question.

Dark: Even he's acknowledging that nobody pays any attention to him now!

She then pushed a button and two penises appeared on the screen. "That's 'Tiger Woody' and you."

"Don't let it touch mine," I said as she moved a cursor and the two penises seemed to merge together. It was disgusting. I looked over her shoulder as she continued to manipulate the dueling cocks.

Dark: Dueling banjos seems more appropriate for the characters in this story. "You sho got a perty mouth."

"Yours is bigger," she said after she'd manipulated them so that 'Tiger Woody' was completely engulfed by mine.

"Of course it is!" I whispered in her ear, then circled her body with my arms and grasped her breasts from behind.

Dark: I need an adult! Bad touch!

"What are you doing? We can't," she moaned as I pushed my hardness against her bum.

"Maybe we could start the field trials now?"

"Your sisters waiting."

Dark: I see that the apostrophe has joined the endangered species list.

"It'll be good for her, she's got to learn patience," I said as I grabbed the hem of her dress and slowly lifted it.

"I'm married," she protested.

"We've all got to do our part for the environment Doctor Armstrong," I said as I pushed her panties aside and pushed my penis inside her. She was wet and ready.

The lab was soundproof. Which was good given that Doctor Armstrong was very, very noisy.

****

Dark: Once again, skip over the Minuteman's disappointing performance.

"What took you so long?" Annika asked when we finally returned to the waiting room and found her pacing.

Dark: Five minutes is long?

"There was a little problem with the machine," the good doctor lied. My cum was oozing down her thighs.

Dark: Sound effects from "The Blob" running through my head.

"You didn't hurt it or anything did you?" there was real concern for her brother in my sister's voice.

"It's perfect," the doctor announced. Then she winked at me.

12:15 a.m. Thursday, April 16th, my apartment, Athens, Georgia

I'd just settled myself into my bed (I was alone)

Dark: No kidding.

when my cell phone chirped. What now I wondered as stretched out and grabbed the phone from the bedside table. Our family number glowed brightly when I glanced at the screen. It was twelve fifteen at night. I was naked. I'd spent the whole day studying for my finals. I'd been back at school for three weeks.

Dark: You being naked is relevant because..?

"Hi you," was sung into my ear in response to my gruff 'hello'. It was Annika. I was surprised at how happy I was to hear her voice.