Lucy

Occasionally the storms are strong enough that I have no choice but to open my eyes and stare. The ceiling is plain and white. The light that comes in sometimes through the window is dulled. Occasionally I realise that the room light is on. I get confused. I'm not sure where I am for a minute here or there. Sometimes I hear whispers and I turn my head but there's nothing there. I hear long lost whispers of memories and little regrets, but they're so faded that there's nothing really to hold onto.

Sometimes I look at my hands and make fists. I try and claw the bed just to feel like I'm on something solid. Like I'm not just on air.

Dana and my mother are here on the fifth day and they're silent. Dana is here on the sixth day and she's mostly silent. In the evening she speaks to me. I hear her words and I want to answer and when I do, I say little. I don't really know what I say. Darkness comes and goes and every time it goes, Dana is there, sitting by my side, her face slowly showing the wear and the exhaustion and the growing sadness. Sometimes I see her on the armchair and she's texting on her phone and I know she's telling Lucy how I am. I can already see the time coming where I'll wake one day and I might see Lucy's face instead of Dana. But how many days left?

It's the seventh day and Lucy is there.

She's standing by the window, looking at me. She's keeping her distance.

I think I'm sweating but I don't know if it's because I'm hot or my body is just going haywire or because I'm nervous. I drift away. When I'm back, Dana is next to my bed and my mother is next to her. Lucy is still by the window, looking at me. It's like seeing a ghost at the end of the room except somehow, she's far more real than my mother and Dana. Lucy is solid where the air wavers and seems thin. Lucy is solid where other things in front of me might as well be intangible wisps of darkness trying to press down on me. Lucy is beautiful.

The light outside is red and a memory takes over and suddenly I'm somewhere else. In my memory I'm in a green field. The sky is an orange red. The red is almost the shade of rich blood because of the smog in the distance and the dark streaks of cloud high above. The colours are like layers of warm. Layers of rich blood and fire and the in-betweens.

Lucy is in the green fields with me. She's just taken a picture of a group of our friends under a colossal tree. They are laughing and joking and Dana is amongst them. They don't leave the tree straight away. Lucy is standing with me because that's how it always works out when there are groups of us out and about; she's either with me or Dana. In the memory, I watch them talk amongst each other, some of them touching the tree and attempting to climb it and some of them falling onto the grass, while some of them sit against the trunk. Lucy takes another picture of them. She takes her third picture of just Dana and shows me. Dana looks stunning. Her thick hair is cascading down one shoulder and her big brown eyes are prominent even at this distance.

Lucy whispers so that her whisper merges with the breeze and just for a brief moment I wonder if its carried to Dana. Lucy whispers, "One day, I'm going to marry her."

And my heart breaks even though I knew it was inevitable. It hammers and pulses like a rapid drum beat and I feel the pain inside it like tiny sparks tripping a wire. I force myself to smile at Lucy but she hasn't even looked at me. She's looking at Dana, who looks up at her and smiles back before turning to one of our friends.

And the sun sets and everything is going dark. I'm confused because that was real and vivid and surely I was there and not back here in the hospital room. But I'm smiling now and the heart-break is nearly gone.

My mother and Dana are blurred and peripheral and at the end of the room, Lucy stands watching me. I know she's going to be fine. No matter what happens to me, I mean little in the end. Lucy will be fine and happy and Dana will be there with her. Lucy will spend the rest of her life being loving and loved and that's all I need to know.

I'm smiling as I fall asleep again and in the dream that comes there's a figure but I don't know who it is. I wake sometime later. My mother and Dana are still there. Lucy is not in the room.

"We have to leave," My mother says. "I want to stay though. They said I can stay if I want to."

She's asking for my permission. Do I want to be alone? No. I want Lucy, but I can't bring myself to say it.

"I'll be fine, Mum."

She frowns but nods and leans down to kiss my forehead. She waits by the door while Dana kisses my forehead and stops to look at me. She looks upset. She thinks this is it. My mother and Dana walk out together. For a moment I wonder where Lucy is and I want to see her standing by the window again. I turn my head to the side and before I know it, I've plunged into darkness again and that figure is there with her hand stretched out toward me. It makes me wonder if this is the comfort I've rejected in life. It makes me wonder if it's only to be found in my dreams. I don't know who this figure is but her hand looks familiar and I take it into my own. It's warm and soft. She holds my hand firmly and it feels like I'm being infused with a bit of life.

The figure squeezes my hand and I wake.

It's dark now. The soft glow of the bed lamp is the only source of light and my right hand is in someone's hand. The clock on the wall tells me it's after midnight. I feel weak. I breathe slow. My body hurts, all of it except my hand and head. The hand squeezes again, gently this time and I realise I haven't even looked up at her.

Lucy is standing by my bed with my hand in her hand. Lucy looks beautiful and sad. Lucy's going to marry Dana one day and they'll have children. Lucy's going to love them with the depths of the oceans just like she loves Dana with the fire of the sun. Lucy is going to live her life as full as she can. Lucy's going to teach her children what it means to be tolerant and what it means to love and what it means to take responsibility and accept that your actions have consequences. Lucy will teach them the power to say 'No;' the most powerful gift anyone could give someone. Lucy will be wise and fair. Lucy will age and wither and die, but that will be at the end of a long, long life.

I am 31 years old and I am close to death.

I am closer to death now than I have ever been and with each second that passes, time stretches and all I can do is lose myself in the sensation of being here, of feeling her hand, of feeling the air on me. All I can do is lose myself in knowing I breathe and my heart beats.

I am close to death and I am alone here with Lucy. I am aware that months of evasion were for nothing. I am aware that the last week happened but Lucy experienced it too because Dana told her everything that went on. Everything. I can see that in her eyes.

"Hello," She says. "You were breathing funny. I got worried."

And this time there's only one thing I have to say. "I'm so, so glad you're here." It comes out in a rasping whisper. My mouth is dry.

Lucy walks over to my other side and I watch her all the while. She takes hold of my body and pulls me to the left a little. It doesn't take her long; I am light. I help a little, unsure of why she's doing it, but willing to submit. I strain with my arms to help her move my upper body towards the left, across the bed. I strain with my legs too, when she takes hold of them. She walks back to my right.

"I told the nurses I wanted to stay the night. Your mother made sure I could," She tells me.

She sits on the bed on my right, where there is now space enough for another body. She leans down to take her shoes off. Then she gets onto the bed and lies down next to me. I have never imagined she would lie next to me. She turns on her side to face me. She puts her body up against mine. Her left hand takes my right hand and her right hand rests on my chest for a moment before she moves it up to brush against my neck.

I swallow at the touch. My head is turned to look at her and I can't stop staring. I've never felt so awake in the last few months. Lucy stares at me and her fingers slowly stroke my neck. Lucy's eyes fill with tears and she blinks to get them out, momentarily wiping her face against my arm.

"I couldn't leave you alone," She says. "I couldn't do that to my best friend. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I want you here."

She nods once, moving her head forward a little so her chin is on my shoulder.

"I love you," I say.

"I love you too."

"I'm tired."

"I know."

I'm close to death and I'm no longer the only one who knows it. Lucy will stay with me for every moment.

"I need to close my eyes," I tell her.

"I'm right here, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

"Night, Lucy."

"Goodnight, darling."

I close my eyes and it's dark. And Lucy's there and she's holding my hand and her hand is warm and we're standing in green fields and the sky is blood and warmth and her hand is warm...