Make Me a Channel of Your Peace

"Are you happy now? You've accomplished it at last. You've destroyed your family, you evil creature. Your lies have perverted even the pure of heart. You destroyed your father with those lies. You destroyed him! He was never the same after you left. You tore the heart out of him with those vile things you said."

"Mrs Davies... please." The minister took her gently by the arm but she was too far gone to notice or to care and continued to scream obscenities at Luke who simply stared at her, completely dazed by the venom in her words.

"Mrs Davies... I must insist." She rounded on him and would surely have hit him if she had not realised at the last minute who he was.

"You don't understand Minister. The boy is pure evil. He has always been the viper in our breast. He pollutes everything and everyone he comes into contact with. The things he said about his father... they were vile... vile. He is unclean, an abomination."

"Please Mrs Davies. This is not appropriate."

"Not appropriate? If only you knew what he brought into our home, a good Christian home. He was... he was..." she pointed a shaking finger at Luke who cringed back, away from the awful heat of her anger and hatred. Turning to face the minister, a look of twisted triumph on her face she delivered her coup de gras. "He was found in the arms of another... man."

If she had expected the minister to react she was sadly mistaken. He shook his head sadly and raised his eyes to the crowd who were shocked to a man. Some of the women were weeping and many of them were turning their faces away, burning with shame.

***

The minister was truly shocked, more shocked than he could ever remember being in all his long career. He could barely take it in. He looked at them, one by one. Luke had closed his eyes, unable to bear the look on his grandmother's face, and turned his head away. He was crying quietly and, as he watched, he turned slowly onto his side and curled into a tight ball, as though he could shut them all out. Adin was on his knees, unnoticed and he bent forwards putting his arm around Luke, shielding him with his body. A good friend indeed, and more perhaps.

Emma had her arm around her brother's shoulder and he was weeping into her shoulder, his anger dead, drowned by sorrow and shame. Katie was staring at her grandmother a pleading look in her eyes and Mrs Davies... Mrs Davies was looking at him with triumph in her eyes, triumph and expectation... a certainty in her own self righteousness that made him feel physically sick.

"This has gone far enough. This is a funeral and not soap opera. It is a solemn and serious occasion. It is entirely inappropriate to discuss these matters at this time." Even as he said it he felt a stab of guilt, a shame of his own. Was he doing the same thing they had done? Was he just sweeping it all under the carpet again? Was he condemning those poor children to a life of regret and sorrow, shutting them away from their only chance for closure, of redemption?

"Please..."

He was drawn to the soft, plaintive voice and smiled gently at the pretty little girl who stared up at him with great big blue eyes that were stunned, shocked, confused, hurt.

"Please... is... is she right? Is he evil? Is Luke damned? Did he... was it his fault, only..?" Tears were bubbling over and the minister was stunned into silence by the suffering that had been caused to this child. She was barely twelve even now. His mind raced, searching for the words to reassure her.

"Katie!"

One thing he could do and that was give the poor child space to speak her mind. He silenced the grandmother with a look and a firm grip on her arm.

"I'm sorry. I know you said... only I need... I really need..."

"That's alright child. Wasn't it Jesus himself who said 'Suffer the children to come unto me'?"

"I remember. I don't want to. I hid in my room and put a pillow on my head but I couldn't... I still heard. And then... then he came... he always came and he held me and told me it was going to be alright. He promised he would take care of me. He was the only one. He played games with me and held my hand on the way to school. He made the bullies leave me alone and he... he made me feel safe. He was the only one who made me feel safe. He's the only one who has ever made me feel safe.

"And then... and then they said he was bad. They said he was damned, that he was going to burn in hell. They shouted at him and they hurt him and then they shouted at us and told us that if we told anyone what had happened we would burn in hell too.

"He... he told me... he told me to be brave, that if I was brave everything would be alright. He said that no matter what happened he would always love me. I was scared. I was scared of everything. I was even scared of him. He was... he was... he tried to..." For a moment she was overcome with sobbing but quickly brought herself back under control. Every eye was on her. Even Luke had turned his head to look at her and she turned, as if in a trance, to look at him. After that there was no one in existence except the two of them.

"Now I know what you meant. I know what you meant that night. When you said that I had to do whatever it took to keep me safe, even if it meant doing a bad thing. I know what you meant when you said that you loved me but sometimes love isn't enough. I didn't then. I was only six. I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't understand anything. All I understood was that suddenly you weren't there any more.

"For a long time I thought you were dead. I thought you had to be because if you weren't you would come for me, right? You wouldn't have left me there, all alone. Then when Grandma came and told us that you had done a bad thing, that you had sinned against god and that you deserved to be punished I... I didn't know what to think, what to believe.

"She told us that... that Daddy had tried to help you, to 'straighten you out' but you... you were too bad, too sick. She told us that the things he did to you were not just punishments but done in love to try and make you see your sin. She told us that the only way we could help you was to make you face up to what you had done. She made us lie. When the men came to talk to us she told us what we had to say and... and I was scared because you weren't there so I said them, we all did.

"I believed them. I believed them that you were bad Luke. In my heart I loved you but I hated you for leaving me alone with them and it was easier to believe them."

She turned back to the Minister, her eyes tormented, pleading. "Were they right? Were they right that he deserved it, that the things they did to him were right? Is he..." She couldn't continue but she had said enough. The minister, thinking deeply and carefully took her hands in his and looked into her eyes. He was speaking to her but his words were for them all.

"No one deserves to be hurt by those who are supposed to be taking care of them. No one deserves to be brutalised and beaten. No one deserves to be betrayed by those they trust the most. Most of all, no one deserves to be punished for the way they were born.

"Your brother is not evil Katie, he is not damned and he did not deserve what happened to him. There is no doubt at all in my heart about that. There are those, within our religion who believe that homosexuality is wrong, that it goes against the teachings of the bible. It is not for me to say that they are wrong, although this does not accord with my own interpretations.

"Belief is a very personal thing. I cannot condemn anyone for what they believe. It is their absolute right. However, to believe something is one thing, to impose that belief on others, to act in violence on the strength of it... that is another thing altogether. That is not acceptable and never could be.

"You are not to be blamed for this, none of you. You were children and you were in a desperate situation. There was nothing you could have done. If you had fought you would have been hurt too. Luke is a special person, a very wise soul. He was absolutely right when he told you that you had to do whatever needed to be done to keep yourself safe. And you did it." He raised his eyes. "You all did it. That is all that a child could do. Keep strong, keep safe until you are grown and able to fight your battles."

His eyes swept the faces, each one in so much pain. "This deceit, this web of lies has been kept alive for far too long. The guilt and pain it has caused is too deep to be unravelled by anything I could say here and now. But know this... The Lord our God is a merciful God. He has infinite forgiveness. As the words we have just sung have told us... it is in forgiving that we are forgiven, in loving that we are loved, in showing compassion that we find mercy.

"The past is passed. The future is yours to shape. Let it start now. In forgiveness and compassion."

He turned and held out his hands. One to Luke and one towards Emma and Jonathan. Luke and Adin exchanged looks that spoke more loudly to them than anyone else, as without a word being spoken Adin smiled, a shaky smiled and nodded once, releasing Luke and standing. Somewhat hesitantly Luke took the outstretched hand and climbed stiffly to his feet. Although he almost flinched at the icy coldness of the hand in his the minister held on tight, speaking more with one look, one smile than he could have with a thousand words. He saw something behind those inscrutable eyes crumble and he squeezed the hand as Luke stumbled, pouring strength into the trembling body.

In almost the same moment Emma took his other hand, Jonathan still clinging to her, his eyes fixed on his brother, dazed and hesitant but hopeful. Between them Katie looked small and confused but, even so she was the first to move. In a sudden burst of action she flung herself on Luke, almost knocking him over again, and clung to him, her arms around his waist. The minister hardly needed to bring his hands together because suddenly they were all moving and, sandwiching Katie between them, they embraced in silence.

Mrs Davies, unfortunately, was not able to remain silent.

"How can you let this happen? How can you condone what he has done? You are supposed to be a man of God. You are supposed to be the channel for His word. You cannot suggest that He would forgive, that He would condone..."

The Minister smiled at her, a gentle smile that cut through her anger and caused her to shudder and fall silent.

"The Good Lord is a merciful Father, which is more than your son was Mrs Davies. These children have done nothing wrong, none of them. Do you really think that God would condone a child being beaten and abused? A family torn apart? Children forced to lie through fear?"

Desperately she raised her eyes to the crowd, searching for support. Eyes dropped, faces turned away. No one would look directly at her.

"Will... you knew. You knew what he was like, how difficult he was. You knew that he drove Dai to this, that he was the one who ripped the family apart." Will shook his head and turned away. Many of them were turning away now, drifting down the road towards the gates.

"Bronwen. Surely you..." Bronwen glared at her then pointedly walked around her to stand behind Luke, touching his shoulder gently, beginning to cluck at how cold he was. She called over her husband in the way that only a Welsh woman can, demanded he took of his coat and then wrapped it around Luke's shoulders.

She was the first of many. Before long the entire crowd, that of it which was left as almost half had dispersed and were already leaving the car park, were clustered around the children, leaving Mrs Davies and the Minister alone.

"But... but I..."

"Faith without mercy is cold, unforgiving and sterile, fruitless as barren soil. Belief without compassion is blind. Knowledge without wisdom can never bring true understanding. To follow a religious conviction, blind to its consequences and closed to all good feelings of compassion, love and consolation... that is the true evil. You have been living a lie for many years. You believed it, that I wholly accept. You were as deceived as anyone, but deceived you were. You are right, in that the deceiver's influence is evident in this... but his hand was not your grandson... it was you."

Feeling infinitely sad the minister turned away and walked back into the chapel. As he did so the sun burst out from the clouds, lighting up the stained glass window, catching and holding his attention. The image of Jesus, surrounded by children, one with their hand in his, one with his hand on their head, seemed to smile down at him and he could almost imagine that, for a brief instant a smile played on the serene, joyous face.