Marian Grows Up

Marian folded her arms over her breasts and curled up in a ball. What had happened to the witty, intelligent, considerate man she had started the evening with? She felt terrible! This wasn't the glorious sweaty sex she wanted. It was never like this in the romance novels she had read! It was pure degradation! She felt like she had just been raped in a back alley! This was what she had wanted. But not like *THIS*! She was acutely aware of the wetness between her legs. His semen was seeping out of her. He hadn't used a condom and she hadn't had time enough to ask. She wondered if she would get pregnant. This could be a disaster!

She heard him relieving himself. Then he returned to the door and stood staring at her across the darkened room. "There's blood! YOU WERE A *VIRGIN*?" It sounded like an accusation as much as a question. Marian nodded.

"Don't tell me you're not on the pill!" he demanded.

"Pill?" Marian asked, unsure of what he meant. Then she suddenly realized.

Peter began swearing and moved quickly, dragging her from the bed and throwing her, nude, out into the hallway. "You're not going to nail me with your bastard!" He shouted as he gathered up her clothes to throw them after her, before slamming the door in her face. Flabbergasted, Marian mechanically put her clothes on. Her panties were still over one ankle, but she couldn't find her bra and realized it was probably still on the floor by the window.

This should be a joyous, loving time, but she felt dirty, slimy, used, corrupted. Thank God she could use her own car to drive home! Quietly, she tried to slip out of the hotel, but she felt that the eyes of the desk clerk and all of the other hotel employees were following her, knowing what she had done, accusing her!

Finally, she reached her car in the lot and put her key in the door lock. But before the door opened, she stared at her left, front tire. It was flat!

She slipped into the driver's seat and began to cry.

<<<Editor: If it is necessary to break the story into smaller pieces, this is a good place for such a break>>>

Chapter 3 – Clarence comes to help.

Clarence was still fighting to keep awake as he pulled into the hotel parking lot. Marian's barely coherent phone call had roused him from a sound sleep. She had sounded so desperate that he had immediately promised to come and help her. Driving through the parking lot, he quickly saw her car, spotted the flat tire, and pulled up behind her. Leaving the motor running, he went to her window. Marian's unseeing eyes were glazed and staring forward. She was unmoving. Clarence tapped on the window, but she didn't seem to hear him. He tapped again, louder, and she stirred, looking at him. At first she didn't seem to recognize him. When recognition finally registered on her all but shut down brain, she unlocked the door of her car and stepped out of her car and moved to his car.

"Do you want me to change the tire?"

"No. Take me home" was her flat response.

"But I can change it quickly," he responded.

Suddenly, irrationally, she turned on him like a wild tiger and charged him, pounding her fists on his chest. "No! Take me home! Take me home! TAKE ME HOME! TAKEMEHOMETAKEMEHOMETAKEMEHOME!" punctuating each scream with her fists pounding ineffectually against his chest.

Clarence captured her hands and promised her that he would take her home. He put her in the passenger seat of his car, and then quickly retrieved her keys and purse from her car. He pocketed her keys and put the purse in the back seat of his car. Without further words between them, he drove Marian home and led her, zombie-like, to her front door. Retrieving her keys from his pocket, he unlocked her door and led her inside. Once inside, she stood as if in a trance. Clarence observed the stain on her dress where she had been sitting. He also could smell the definite scent of semen. He whispered, "Marian, what happened?"

She said nothing, but tears clouded her eyes

"Were you raped?" With downcast eyes she shook her head, speaking as if she were reciting a verse.

"No. I didn't have to go to his room with him. I could have left at any time. I took off my own clothes and got into bed with him by my own choice."

"Marian!" Clarence burst out and moved to embrace her.

"Don't!" She croaked. Immediately, she raised her hands in a defensive motion, almost as if she had to hold him at bay. Clarence hesitated, and after a moment, her defensive hands began to tremble, tears streamed from her eyes and she leaned into him, letting him enfold her into his arms as she began weeping again. Hugging Marian Close to him, Clarence received yet another shock as his hands pressing against her back held her close to him: she was not wearing a bra! And he hadnever seen Marian without a bra! There had always been the outline of a bra strap visible, or he could feel the bra if he put his hand on her back in the normal course of their interactions. She was *never without*a bra!

He held her for a long time, saying nothing. Eventually, they sat on the sofa, but he kept her pressed against him, comforting her, until she finally began to relax.

"I'll get a cool wash cloth to wipe your face, he offered, but as soon as he began to move, Marian clutched him against her.

"No! Don't leave me! Please, don't leave me," she begged.

"I'm just going to the other room. I'll be right back."

Finally, she went to the bathroom with him, keeping her arms wrapped around his waist. As he was dampening the washcloth, Marian took a box from the cabinet. With the top down, Clarence seated her on the toilet seat and gently washed her face, cleaning off the smeared makeup and tears. Marian nuzzled the washcloth as it rubbed against her face. When Clarence finished and returned the cloth to it's place, Marian looked at him with bloodshot eyes.

"What if I'm pregnant?" she asked.

Not sure how to respond, Clarence whispered, "We'll have to wait to see what happens before we can worry about that."

"I have some contraceptive foam," she said, looking at the box in her hand.

"You're supposed to use thatbefore. I suspect it's too late now."

"Yes, it probably is, but if nothing else, it will improve my odds a bit."

"How?" Clarence asked. He was uncomfortable with the subject matter, but pleased that she was talking and thinking rationally again.

"Any sperm that's still in my vagina will be killed, so that they, at least, will no longer be able to impregnate me. Of course, the foam won't affect any sperm that has already left. But maybe it will improve my odds a little," and she turned her attention to the box in her hand, fumbling to open it. Unable to concentrate, she finally handed the box to Clarence asking him to do it.

Clarence opened the box and found an applicator and a tube of spermicide. He read the instructions and filled the applicator before handing it to her. Marian saw that Clarence was blushing, and this pleased her. She was glad to know that she wasn't the only person who was embarrassed by her current situation.

"Look the other way," she said. Clarence did. And after a moment, she said, "All right, you can look now."

She was pulling her skirt down as she handed him the empty applicator, which, following the directions on the box, he rinsed in the sink and left to air-dry.

Marian still had a dazed look on her face. She was *SO*thankful that she had a friend like Clarence who was looking after her and taking care of her. She was so numb by what she had experienced that evening that the enormity of the things she was demanding of him never occurred to her. And she had no conception of the depths of feeling that Clarence had that he would yield to all of her requests without question or comment.

Looking down at her dress, she whispered, "I'm covered with . . . . with . . .him! I need a shower. Will you bring me a bathrobe and pajamas from my closet, please?"

Clarence moved to obey, but immediately realized she was following him, still unwilling to be alone. She pointed to her robe, a new white terrycloth robe that she had purchased and that felt soft and comfortable, and the pajamas she wanted, and he handed them to her.

Marian took his hand and led him back to the bathroom. Clarence tried to stop outside, but Marian held his hand firmly.

"Please don't leave me alone," she begged. "I'm afraid to be alone."

Clarence nodded, and hesitatingly helped her to undress, doing his best to keep his eyes averted. After removing her shoes, he unzipped her dress and slid it down her arms. She wasn't wearing a bra, although Clarence made no comment. Placing a towel over her shoulders he helped her out of her panties, her only remaining item of clothing. Before he set her panties aside, he noticed blood and a stiff, dried substance that he assumed was probably semen. Then he turned on the shower and helped her step into the stall, taking back the towel from her shoulders.

Once again, she clutched his hand. "You won't leave me, will you?"

Studiously, Clarence kept his eyes on hers as he shook his head and she closed the glass enclosure to the shower stall.

He really wanted to be a 'boy scout,' but the temptation was too great. He stole a glance at the distorted shape that was clearly visible through the frosted glass. Quickly, he looked away, but his eyes were drawn back to her hazy shape behind the shower glass. Longingly, he gazed at her perfectly shaped breasts. Her breasts sagged ever so slightly, but he had to admit to himself that she looked AWFULLY good for a woman of her age, or any age, for that matter! He could see her nipples through the glass.

Suddenly, her hand moved to the door and he quickly looked away as she peeked around the door to make sure he was still there. Returning to her shower, she scrubbed herself thoroughly, then stood in the steaming cascade until the water began to cool. Turning the shower off, she took the towel that Clarence had draped over the top of the shower stall and dried herself off. As she began to open the glass, Clarence was there with eyes averted, with her pajama tops, then bottoms. When she finally pulled the glass door open, he was waiting in the steam-filled room, sweat pouring from his face, with her bathrobe. She slid into the bathrobe and tied the belt around her waist.

"Thank you," she whispered, truly appreciative of the care he was giving her.

Once out of the shower, she took his arm and the two of them went to the sofa where he sat and she lay beside him, cradling her head in his lap. She held one of his hands as he gently stroked her head and face with the other, and she drifted into a fitful sleep. Whenever she began to have bad dreams, he gently woke her, and then encouraged her back into sleep.

* * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After a long and fitful night, Marian became aware of a warm, comfortable presence. Tenderly, a hand brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Giving a deep, contented sigh, Marian opened her eyes. She had known that it was Clarence's hand, but the pleasure she felt when she saw him looking down at her with sleepy eyes surprised her. Absently, she took stock of this man who was cradling her head in his lap. He was tall, thin, awkward, wore wire spectacles (and yes, they werespectacles, notglasses). His teeth were crooked and he had a lopsided smile.

But he was beautiful! And his eyes were full of love!

"You stayed with me!" she whispered. Clarence smiled and nodded.

Marian remembered the night before: her disastrous time with Peter . . . .when . . . (tears began flooding her eyes) . . . when . . . she had lost . . . her . . . virginity. And for what? Peter had no concept of the precious gift she had given him. He . . . .

Consciously, Marian changed her thoughts. Clarence had come when she called him. He had stood beside her, bringing her home, holding her as she cried, . . . . and . . .

"You stayed with me," she repeated. Again he nodded. "You . . .", eyes down, ". . . prepared contraceptives for me . . . and helped me undress, and stayed with me when I took my shower and . . .", faltering, ". . . spent the night while I slept in your lap. . ." He nodded.

"I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have you to hold on to!" She whispered. "Thank you!" She rose to give him a tender kiss. "You're my anchor!"

<<<Editor: If it is necessary to break the story into smaller pieces, this is a good place for such a break>>>

Chapter 4 – the morning after

While Marian took another shower (leaving the door open so that she could see that Clarence was still with her), Clarence prepared a simple breakfast for the two of them. As she was toweling off, again she glanced to check on Clarence, and caught him furtively looking at her through the open door. She was a little surprised! Had Clarence been watching her while she was *naked*?

Putting on her robe she returned to her bedroom where she put on some of her new underwear and put her robe back on, carefully knotting the sash and modestly tying the small strings at the neck. It was a conscious choice! Marian didn't feel sexy. She had been raped, and she didn't *want* to feel sexy! But there was a strange comfort knowing she was wearing sexy underwear beneath her robe.

At the kitchen table, they ate in silence, Clarence still in his rumpled clothes and Marian in her new, soft robe which was tied up to her throat. It was Saturday, so neither of them had to go to work.

Halfway through the meal, which had no taste for Marian, she blurted out to no one in particular: "I've had it! I'm through! I'm through with sex. I'm through with love! I'm thru with men!"

As her outburst came to an end, she discerned more than heard a whispered "Ooooohhhh!"

There was something about that moan that resonated in Marian's innermost being. Distracted, Marian looked at Clarence. He looked so sad Marian was afraid he might burst into tears. "What's wrong?" she asked.

Her question caught him by surprise and his eyes widened. Frantically, he looked around as if he were trying to find a way to escape. But then, welcoming the challenge, he stiffened his back and his lips tightened. He took a deep breath and spoke. "I . . . hope you don't give up men . . . until . . ." he stammered, " until . . . . until . . . " Finally he summoned his courage and spit it out. "Until you've had dinner with me!"

As soon as the statement was out, Clarence's eyes filled with fear as he watched her reaction. He had finally said it, and now he almost wished he could have taken it back.

The idea had never entered Marion's mind! *Dinner . . . with Clarence?*

*A . . . date . . . with . . . Clarence?*

Astonished, Marian gazed at the . . . the *man* sitting across the table from her.

"Clarence, I don't think you understand! I wanted to get married, have a home, have kids before I get too old."

"Then why don't you?"

Tears began forming in her eyes again. "Because nobody wanted to marry me! And now, definitely! No one will want to marry me. Nobody will want to make love to me. Not now!"

"Why do you say that?"

"I'm 34 years old. I'm plain, . . ." Marian was so engrossed in what she was saying that she didn't notice the frown of disapproval on Clarence's face or the shake of his head in disagreement. She continued, "I'm a librarian, a *librarian*, for God's sake, a spinster who hasn't been out on a date in years. My hair is a mess! My clothes are drab and . . . . " Her tirade was interrupted by a spasm of tears. Her face buried in her hands she bowed over the table and felt the comfort of Clarence moving to her side and putting his arm around her shoulder. She buried her face in Clarence's chest, throwing her arms around his waist, and mumbled, " . . . and nobody would ever want to marry me! To make love to me now that I've . . . I've . . ."

Again, her shoulders spasmed and she wept bitterly! She was so deeply involved in her own self-pity that she didn't hear his response. But somehow, subliminally, his words seeped into her subconscious mind. She lifted her tear-streaked face to look at him.

"What did you say?" she asked gaping at him.

Clarence's eyes were boring into her with an intensity she had never seen before as he answered. "I said, 'I would!'" There! He had said it. And he hoped he would have the courage to stand boldly behind his words!

"You would . . .?"

Clarence nodded, his eyes never leaving hers.

"You would marry me?"

Another nod.

"Why?" She whispered.

"Because I love you!" From somewhere, poor, timid Clarence was finding the boldness to stand his ground!

Marian blanched! Clarence? Love her? But . . . *he's a geek*, Marian thought. Clarence? Love? She stared at him. His face was still craggy, thin, his eyebrows still bushy, and she noticed the marks on the sides of his nose where his eyeglasses had pressed. His hair still looked plastered down, but if he moved his part a little more to the side, he wouldn't look so much like a geek, she thought.

Irrationally, Marian's mind flew back over the time, the *years*, she had known Clarence. She could count on him! He had always been consistent, trustworthy, and honest with her. He kept his promises and commitments. Indeed, he had always been a great friend, even though she often thought of him as 'one of the girls' when she talked with him. He had been there when she had been bitchy, or happy, or discouraged or . . . no matter how she behaved, he had stayed beside her. When her parents had been in town, he had been eager to meet them. She'd known him for over ten years, and he still hadn't really messed up with her or turned into a troll . . . when she thought about it, he just kept getting better and better. Long ago she had learned where she stood and she didn't need to put on any kind of 'front' with him . . . she just didn't need it. She could tell him anything; even silly 'girl things' and he'd listen to her in all seriousness. And he didn't run away when the two of them disagreed. He would stay there and talk with her and usually they worked their way through their differences. But when she was wrong, he'd tell her. But only once! If she insisted, he'd always let it pass. And when he asked for her opinion, he always listened carefully to what she said.

When she thought back, she realized he had *always* made their relationship a priority.

Now, here she was, discouraged, without makeup, wanting to get off of the world if it would only stop. Her virginity was gone and she could be pregnant. And Clarence was offering to marry her!

"I couldn't let you marry me until I know if I was pregnant. It wouldn't be fair to you if I were carrying . . . . someone else's baby." Marian said.

Kneeling beside her, Clarence's enfolding arms held her close; Clarence gazed deeply into her eyes, and said, with utmost sincerity, "Marian, I love you! I always have. And I will love your baby, no matter who the father is!

Marian was dumbfounded. Clarence loved her *that much*?

"If we get married, and I'm already pregnant, the baby will be born before nine months has passed . . . , " Marian reasoned. "Then . . . ."

"Then everyone will assume it's mine!" Clarence declared.

"But that will give you a bad reputation!"

"Maybe," Clarence smiled, "and then again maybe not!"

And Marian saw a strange masculine pride in his eyes that she didn't really understand. She realized that Clarence would enjoy having the reputation that he had been able to impregnate his wife before they were married.