tagHumor & SatireMarriage Is Overrated!

Marriage Is Overrated!

bysojoman©

"I am sure you are meeting with another woman when you are on your business trips."

"I know you are cheating on me."

"You're late again, I am certain you were with another woman."

When you hear these definitive statements from your wife, day after day, night after night, I can understand why you would become concerned and even exceedingly worried. You know that you haven't done any of what you're being accused of. You haven't been with another woman or done anything that should make her so suspicious. You absolutely know it. Your mind would spin all sorts of questions.

"Why for god's sake is she making such unfounded accusations?"

"What on earth have I done that could give her that impression and raise her suspicions?"

"Have I done or said something that made her feel insecure or unloved?"

These and so many other questions along those lines.

Your days become hell and your nights turn into nightmares as you struggle to find something to reassure her, appease her anger and dispel her groundless accusations. But nothing you could say or do seems to works; not the 'I love you', not the 'I would never do such thing to you or our marriage'; nothing would change her mind or make her refrain from regularly accusing you and throwing those determinate statements at you.

You suspect she loves you. Hell, she says it often enough. Some days or sometimes it's said in a skewed way, something like:

"Is my love for you not enough? Why are you interested in other women?"

It's like two opposing magnets trying to mate.

Your gray cells start working overtime trying to find answers to the multitude of questions and conflicting thoughts going through your mind.

If this is something you are experiencing my fellow married man and you are asking yourself those very same questions, the answer is really simple. Take it from someone who's been there. She is having an affair. A very serious affair, not a simple fling. Believe me, the fact that you don't know about it doesn't mean it didn't or won't happen.

A loving faithful wife doesn't make that sort of accusations unless she has absolute proof of your affair, and such accusations are usually substantiated and followed by a separation or a divorce. You, first among all, would know when you've stepped out of line.

In all my personal observations since then I noticed that, in most cases, a cheating husband is usually more circumspect and avoids confrontations. But with a cheating wife it's different. A cheating wife often reverts to accusatory approaches and tactics to hide her own affair. It's a smoke screen. The more time you spend on justifying yourself and finding excuses for things you haven't done, the less time you will have to notice her unusual and often suspicious behavior. It also makes her feel less guilty. In her mind she cannot be a lesser person than you are. Au contraire, she convinces herself, almost to the point of absolute certainty, that you are doing exactly what she is doing, if not worse.

I hear every now and again about people separating or divorcing because one of the two got caught cheating. I read stories and articles in magazines and newspapers about people getting caught cheating, there are often statistics associated with those stories.

I know the signs and the classic, and sometimes comical, scenarios; like the repetitive and unmentioned phone calls to unfamiliar numbers, or the suspicious car in your drive when your wife is supposed to be at work, or the sudden urge to take her cell phone to the toilet, or the phone conversation or email you weren't supposed to hear or read.

In my case, it wasn't any of that. I never noticed anything that could give me reason to become suspicious. In less time that it takes to say it, one morning you are a happily married man and the next morning you're considering divorce and wondering what the hell happened.

* * *

After my divorce, I became curious about infidelity and how other people perceive it and deal with it. You know the sort of questions that trot through your mind, and you try to find some logic and also some comfort in the collective wisdom of our society.

I had dealt with my situation the best I can, I think, but I wanted to do a 'professional' analysis, what I always do at work when a project goes up shit creek. I wanted to do a 'Post Mortem'. In the criminal and medical profession they call it an 'autopsy'. I find 'After Death' more appropriate, more accurate, and yet so much broader in scope.

I tried as much as possible reading scientific, social, and medical/psychological research. Hell, I even read some poetry and philosophical thoughts written as far back as Adam and Eve. But there were so many conflicting views and flawed analysis methods, like the one used by Sheree Hite, that it was hard to get a conclusive perspective on the topic.

The subject seemed to be an uneasy one to analyze, regardless of nationality, culture, and religion, and that for a very simple reason: most people lie about sex. One of the interesting and amusing works I read is a book called 'Lust in Translation: Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee' by Pamela Druckerman.

I read another 'research' document by Buss and Shackelford where it is stated that the 'Estimates of the combined probability that at least one member of a married couple will have an affair over the course of a marriage range from 40 to 76%' (Thompson, 1983). Yep, take your time to digest it. The report is definitely worth reading and very enlightening.

Morton Hunt wrote in Playboy once that 42% of men and 25% of women he interviewed admitted that they engaged in adultery. I guess men brag and women are coy!

In Cosmopolitan, Linda Wolfe wrote that 54% of women had engaged in at least one extra-marital affair.

Don't ask me why in one case it's 25% and in the other 54%. I just read them and try to figure out what they mean.

Whatever the percentage really is, do you understand the implications of these statistics? In your own street, between your house and the houses of your two immediate neighbors on either side of yours, assuming that all occupants are married couples, at least one has, is, of will be cheating. In a ten apartments block, again assuming that all ten apartments are occupied by married couples, that's a total of 20 people, between 6 and 12 of these have, are, or will be cheating. I love statistics! This kind gives you a completely new perspective on your marriage and your neighborhood.

Consider now that most people would not admit to their infidelity unless caught or forced into admitting it. Assuming that statistics have a 20 or even 10 percent margin of error, you still have to factor in that, considering the inherently secretive nature of infidelity, most cases of cheating are never discovered or declared and hence will not be included in any statistics.

'The percentages are actually higher than this because there are many men and women involved in affairs about which their partners have no knowledge. They may also have had affairs in the past and ended them before anyone found out. Marital infidelity is another term for adultery, which is regarded as a crime in some locations.' says another report.

I really liked that last bit, 'regarded as a crime'. I have no problems whatsoever with that definition, except that our modern, 'justice-minded' laws ensure that for that particular kind of crime only the innocent will be punished, usually the husband when the wife is cheating. But for that there are no statistics.

Now, in hind sight unfortunately, I have become a fan of prenuptial, the only known anti-virus to our infected laws.

* * *

Over time I realized that marriage was so overrated that I developed my own set of laws about monogamous relationships in general and marriage in particular. I believe in them as much as I believe in the law of diminishing returns, the law of sine and cosine, the law of large numbers, or any other law of economics and mathematics. As much as I am forced to apply these laws in my professional life, I endeavor to apply my own set of laws in my personal relationships.

My First Law is simple enough to remember: The woman you met before you got married to is completely different from the one she will become after you married her. As long as you know that, get married at your own risk. You have been warned.

My Second Law is NOT based on the statistics I read. Given the opportunity to do it and get away with it, 100% would cheat. The truth is that I really don't care much about statistics. Why worry about 30%, 50% or 70%? All women have the propensity to cheat. The differentiators are the motive and the opportunity.

There are what we can call the 'classic motives' such as bored while hubby is working too much, or drunk and lost it for a night, or oversexed and not getting enough, and the one I like most which is going through those 'changes in life'.

Then there are the 'avant-garde motives', the ones you hear about for the very first time and make you kind of feel unique, even loved, like 'I was missing you and thought about you all the time' or 'I needed to assess the impact of such experience on our life going forward'.

When she tells you 'It's only sex!' believe her. Love, family, god, country, trust, morality, religious beliefs, social considerations, vows, and the likes had nothing to do with it. It was only sex. They say men think with their dicks, women simply don't think.

My Third Law is a practical one, more of an instinct of self preservation than a law really. If you can avoid getting married, do it and live happily ever after. Why should you waste your time and sometimes the rest of your life looking for the 'right' woman when you can be just as happy being with a friend with benefits? Make that 'friends' with more benefits. 'Wives' implies bigamy which is a crime that for some reason gets really condemned by our laws, not to mention that bigamy is a expensive lifestyle, very expensive to maintain; whereas 'friends with benefits' is social savoir-faire praised and admired in our society. How many of your friends will look down at you if you showed up at each party, dinner, or social gathering with a different but oh so gorgeous and sexy woman hanging to your arm? Not a single one. They will all envy you. Just a word of warning, if any of those gorgeous friends mentions the word marriage, find another friend, fast.

My Fourth Law is about the consequences of getting married, in a very broad sense. There is a long and a short version to that Law. The short one says 'You will have a life but not as you want it'. Forget about the cheating, believe me this is the least of your problems, at least you can still use it as a reason for divorce. Do you really want to be with someone that will turn your life into an ulcer at best, hell at worst, and a permanent nightmare if you are really unlucky? These are the small things in life that eat at you, hour by hour, day by day. Think of a wife that will:

- Persist on watching TV with you, despite having three other TVs in the house, but insist on watching a different channel than the one you wanted to watch? The program is irrelevant as long as it's a different channel from the one you wanted to watch. I am sure you didn't want to watch the football or the news report in the first place anyway. Right? You so much preferred watching that episode of a lame TV production about despairing housewives. And so what if you missed the previous episodes and will probably miss the future ones, she keeps track of all of them and has an amazing talk-over talent.

- Pester you to come to bed with her, usually around 9pm, just after dinner. If you think you're getting lucky, forget it! She actually meant 'sleep' when she said 'bed'. Forget also pushing your luck; she has an amazing array of instruments, called headaches, periods, infections, and other conditions contributing to the significant drop in birth rate in our western civilization.

- Kill your cheerful mood five minutes after you get to a party by accusing you of having less than honorable intentions towards the first woman who greeted you, smiled and said hello, then she spends the rest of the time at the party flirting outrageously with all males, regardless of age, size, IQ, political affiliation, religion, or color. You can say she is definitely against discrimination. Then try to get her out of there and see what happens.

You think I am kidding? Let me tell you a story; one of thousands then I'll go back to my laws. I was due to attend a company function where spouses were not invited, basically a low budget function to greet new comers to my division. My wife decided to drop by my office five minutes before I was due to head for that function. She was dressed to kill, suggesting we go out to a romantic dinner, well aware of course that I had to attend that function. I am a decent man at heart and didn't want to send her away when she was demonstrating so much affection and interest in my well being. So I asked her to join me, it was my gig after all, and I wasn't planning on spending more than an hour anyway. She stayed by my side a full 60 seconds then wandered off 'mixing' with the crowd. One mid-level manager recently transferred to my division came over and stood by my side, his lower jaw scrubbing the floor, tongue indecently licking his lips, and his eyes shining like Coyote looking at a soon to be roasted Road Runner. He was hovering around my wife for a while, but she was busy flirting with others, as well.

"One of the new recruits?" He pointed toward my wife and asked.

"No, she's ..." I replied with an exasperated look towards heaven.

He couldn't even wait for me to finish my answer.

"She is so hot, wouldn't mind shagging her sometime soon." He blurted.

Believe me he wasn't talking baseball and she was no ball. I am not sure he ever found out why his career stalled so suddenly. Needless also to say that the wonderful dinner she promised me was very, very late, and not so wonderful. A quick ham and cheese sandwich at home when we eventually got there because my wife was so busy networking and boosting the morale of my troops.

My Fifth Law is that marriage is expensive, the cost outweigh the benefits. It's a simple economical analysis. As I said, it is overrated. It's expensive while you're married and it's even more expensive when you divorce. I took a piece of paper and drew two columns; one with pros and another with cons. By the end of an intense brain-storming session I ended up with three things in the pros column; cooking, laundry, and house cleaning. After another five minutes, I moved all three to the cons column. The food in any of the restaurants I frequent is at worst equivalent or in most instances much better. The local Laundromat takes better care of my shirts and even irons my underwear. We have a house cleaner anyway, all I have to do is expand her job description and working hours. All in all, I will get a better service at a fraction of the cost of maintaining a wife. Hell, even if I threw sex in the mix it will still come cheaper and have enough left over to cover the cost of my two wild pets, a Mustang and a Jaguar.

Damn! I forgot to put the word "love" in one of those columns.

My Sixth Law is somewhat cynical: When you find out that she's cheating, your ego will be bigger than your propensity to forgive and your ego will make you suffer like you never suffered before, unless you are a wimp, of course. Did you notice the 'When' not the 'If'?

I mean when you read the 'Loving Wives' stories you can't but notice that there are two types of guys, the 'Terminators' and the 'Wimps'. There are seldom middle grounds. Occasionally, thanks to SirThopas or StangStar06 for example, you may come across a decent human being, but it seems it's a dying breed. Between us guys, let's be honest for a few seconds, you didn't 'dump the bitch' because she broke her vows, you did it because she hurt your ego. Your hurt ego will make you believe that the other guy is better looking, richer, higher up socially and intellectually, and most certainly 'much bigger' down there, in the brains department. Otherwise why would she betray YOU? It's all about YOU, right?

I truly understand your choice of words when you explain what happened to your friends and family; 'broke her vows' sounds so much better than 'hurt my ego'. You'll look like a decent guy with high moral standards, maybe not very forgiving or understanding, but definitely righteous, and you can feel good about it. You can look at yourself in the mirror every morning and revel in that halo over your head. Right?

That's not me guys, my ego was bruised and hurt and trampled on. I didn't think much of vows at that time. OK, now that we dealt with that small matter we can continue.

My Seventh Law is never marry an experienced woman. You think it's great to marry an experienced woman, one that loves uninhibited sex, one that had her fair share of guys before meeting you. One like the woman Agena described in one of his recent stories 'She was a very sexual person and she just exuded that feeling anytime a male looked at her.' You are now thinking that she'd seen it all and can now focus on being faithful to her loving husband and sharing that wealth of experience she gained with you and only you. Right? Take a hand grenade, remove the pin, throw the pin as far as you can, and have a good life ... for a few seconds anyway. What makes you so confident she would not want to continue on broadening her knowledge once you became just another experience?

The problem with this Law, and yes there is one, is that the alternative is not much better. Here goes. You want to marry a virgin, a girl with no experience, a bride that you will take your time teaching her all the things you like? She would be made to your image. Right? Unfortunately not. In this age of communication and information on demand, you won't let her watch TV, read women magazines (yes, the ones with those quizzes about sexuality with your partner or statistics about cheating), forbid her from discussing sex with her girlfriends, and so on. You better do that otherwise the minute she hears about big cocks and multiple orgasms she will start wondering what she missed on in her life and whether she want to die stupid or ... have a peek. You surely don't want a virgin and a deeply religious person, or one with high moral standards, in any case, one that understands the meaning of the word "vows", and no, I am not referring to a nun. One that will dispense sex on Friday night for procreation purposes and adopt the only appropriate position suitable for that purpose, 'missionary'.

My Eighth Law is of a prophetic nature, you'll only know it's value after the event. It's about 'Vows'. Assuming that despite all the warnings and what you already know, you still want to get married, do you want the standard version delivered by the marriage celebrant or do you prefer to write your own vows? My friendly advice is that the only vows that will mean something later are the ones written on legal paper and notarized in a document titled "Prenuptial Agreement". It may not stop her from cheating but it will save you queuing at the Salvation Army for soup and shelter. You see, the judge that will handle your divorce understands words like 'prenuptial agreement', 'ante nuptial agreement', or 'premarital agreement' but the word 'vows' does not figure in his or her law books.

Well, if you are already married then my laws are somewhat irrelevant. If you are a hopeless case and still planning on getting married, then let's sit down for a minute and think of some ways that will help you ensure that your future wife won't cuckold you.

I would probably state this as my Ninth Law. If you really have to marry, marry a whore, a real whore, a hooker if you prefer. A woman whose line of business is dispensing sex for a price if you still didn't get it. At least you know what you're getting when you marry her and, let's face it, it can only get better!! You know that at best she's only after your money. Now that this is taken care of let's consider the nicer part. If good sex is what you want, you probably hit the jackpot. She won't be ashamed sticking her finger up your ass if that turns you on, sucking your cock and swallowing your cum, enjoying anal, probably more than you do, and the icing on the cake, she may show you a few new tricks she learned on the job which you will probably enjoy very much as well. In summary, she will have no inhibitions whatsoever satisfying your wildest sexual fantasies (it's only a matter of price after all) and won't use your lack of or excessive sexual demands as an excuse for having sex with others. It's her job and you knew it; it's as simple as that. Don't you ever consider asking her to stop work and become a stay-at-home wife. If you do then she becomes just another woman and all the previous laws apply.

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bysojoman© 8 comments/ 6536 views/ 2 favorites

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