Mason Ch. 06

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After the funeral.
5.9k words
4.75
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13

Part 6 of the 15 part series

Updated 09/22/2022
Created 09/25/2011
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kalamazoo707
kalamazoo707
1,663 Followers

The weeks after James' funeral were a blur. Toni existed only to take care of Jamie but took very little care of herself. Her parents moved into the house with her to help her care for Jamie and to care for her. James' parents came to stay with her every other week so that her parents could go home and take care of things there. Toni barely ate and when she did it was because no one would leave her alone until she did, when she slept, she dreamt of James and of all the things that they had never gotten to do together. The only time she smiled is when she was holding Jamie. He missed James too, Toni could tell as he walked on his stubby little legs from room to room calling for papa. Those were the times when it was the hardest, when she missed James so badly that it took her breath away. That and at night, she had started sleeping in their bed a week ago. The first few nights her mother slept with her to comfort her just as she did when Toni was a little girl when she was sick or frightened.

The first night that she was alone in the bed Toni fell apart. She wanted James back, she prayed to god for a miracle then she was consumed by anger.

"You promised me! She cried into his pillow, "you fucking promised me a life time and you lied! You made me love you and then you left me and Jamie alone. God James, I miss you!"

She spent the first night alternately praying, being angry and sometimes hating him. The videos on top of the cabinet were forgotten until her father found them.

"Sweetheart, maybe you should look at these. It might help." he said gently.

She didn't want to because if she did, then she would expect James to walk through the door with his usual "Hi Sweetness!"

"Daddy, I can't. I'm not ready yet."

Her father hugged her and let the subject drop.

Toni still hadn't packed up James' clothes although she knew that she needed to. But to her if she packed them up it was like admitting that he wasn't coming back. Her brain knew that he wasn't but her heart wasn't convinced.

"Toni," her mother said one day, "sweetheart, it's time to start packing away his things."

"I can't! I just can't! "Toni said.

"I know baby, it's hard but you won't start to heal until ...."

"What if I don't want to heal? What if I want to keep believing that he'll come back to me?" Toni asked as tears ran down her face.

"Baby, I know that you love him and god only knows how much he loved you and that little boy but he's not coming back and no amount of wishing is going to change that."

"When will I stop missing him so much?" Toni asked crying.

"I can't answer that but let me tell you what I think." Her mother said. "I believe that even though he's not physically here, he's with you and sweetheart, he would want you to take care of yourself and start to heal."

Toni sat crying in her mother's arms for a long time, she still wasn't ready.

Three months later

Toni still had a hard time accepting the fact that James was gone, every time she opened the closet and saw his clothes still hanging there her heart gave a little leap and then sank. It was time.

Both sets of parents were with her as she began to pack James's things up to take to the homeless shelters and the Salvation Army. It was a tearful time for all of them but they managed. When they were finished the closet looked bare with just her things in it, it looked as if James had never existed.

She emptied the dressers alone not wanting their parents to see the semi kinky underwear that James bought to make her laugh. She held up the fluorescent orange ones and in spite of herself, smiled at the memory of him parading around in them. He was such a goof she thought as she folded the underwear and put them in a box. It took her several hours to pack everything because she stopped and had a memory of every item, tears came when she remembered that there would be no more memories she only had the ones that they had made.

The nights were still hard and she still cried for him missing the way he always held her even as they slept and making love with him in the morning before they went to work. There was one night when things were particularly hard and Toni didn't know why but on the night she swore that she would never love anyone again, it simply hurt too much to lose them.

****

Mason kept his distance from Toni, he still hadn't decided on the best approach. Of all the people that he had ever helped, Toni would be the most important. He had managed to find out where she lived and watched the house at night grateful to see that she was never alone and if she was it wasn't for very long. He caught a few glimpses of Jamie and Toni together, that they loved each other was obvious, the child would give her something positive to focus on instead of her grief at least that was her hope.

He could see by her body language that she was hurting but there was nothing that he could do except watch her from afar, it was much too soon for anything else. As he vanished from where he stood he wondered where she worked and if they had a psychiatric floor. He hadn't worked in a hospital for years and it can't have changed that much. The second question was what shift she worked. He suspected days which would make him getting a job there counterproductive. He would give her some more time he decided.

****

Toni looked at the box on top of the cabinet and rubbed her sweaty hands on her jeans. Six months had gone by since James died and it really wasn't getting easier unless not crying as much counted. She took a deep breath, took the box down and sat it on the couch. She sat staring at it for more than an hour before she took out the disc that she had started to watch before but couldn't. She looked at the date and frowned, it was dated for the day that she first went back to work, about six months after Jamie was born. She looked through the entire box of discs noting the dates; it was then that she realized that he knew. James knew that he didn't have much time with them, that's why he took the call only position. He wanted to be with them as much as possible. When she thought about it, she realized that she knew too, the unexplained crying after they made love, the clinging to him as they slept and the urge to stay home. They both knew but he accepted it while she denied it.

"James." she whispered and began to cry.

She popped in the first disc and sat on the floor to watch it tears flowed again as soon as she saw his face.

"Hi sweetness! I don't know why but I got this idea to video tape myself talking to you and the little guy. If I haven't said it lately, I love both of you and you two are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You two are the loves of my life."

Toni turned it off, she couldn't watch anymore. She felt like her heart was being ripped through her chest, Jamie's calling for her made her stop her tears. She found him sitting up in the crib and calling for "papa" that was it. She picked Jamie up and sat in the rocker holding him all night while she cried.

Her parents were due in the next day and were planning to stay indefinitely. They closed up the house in Florida after discussing it with her.

"Toni, you need us so we're coming to stay until you kick us out." her mother said. James' parents made the same offer but Toni declined. She had the feeling that James' mother blamed her for James' death although she never said anything directly but it was just a feeling. What his mother didn't know was there wasn't a day that went by that Toni didn't question her.

"What did I miss?" was the question that she asked herself every day. It was that question that kept her from going back to work, not because of the money but because she had enjoyed it. The thought that she could miss something important paralyzed her, she wouldn't take that chance with the life of someone's loved one.

When her parents arrived and were settled in, her mother sat her down.

"Toni, it's been six months and I'm not telling you that you should be over your grief but what I am saying is that you need to get out of this house. Go back to work if you want, your father and I will watch the munchkin."

"I can't." Toni replied as tears blurred her eyes. "What if I miss something and someone dies because of it like James?"

Toni's mother looked at her concerned.

"Do you think that James' dying was your fault?" she asked.

"I should have known! I should have seen something and made him go back to the hospital." Toni said softly.

"Oh baby, there was nothing that you could have done. It wasn't your fault; no one knew how much his condition had deteriorated."

Logically she knew this but emotionally she felt as if she could have done more to keep him with them. In her angriest moments she cursed god at her weakest she cried herself to sleep hugging the pillow that James slept on.

"Toni." Her mother said, "I think that it would be good for you to talk to someone, maybe a grief counselor."

"No. I'll be alright eventually." Toni said drying her eyes, "It's just that I still really miss him."

***

To pass the time Mason decided to reopen his practice to a limited number of patients. For variety he decided to start seeing humans as well but they couldn't be scheduled on the same night as vampires, which would be courting trouble. He decided to take on five vampires and five humans with the humans being pro bono. He had never treated a human but knew that they could be as fucked up as vampires could be and was certain that while there were certain physical differences the psyche would be similar. He would limit his office hours to two nights a week and no more. He wanted to be available for when he decided to approach Toni. He didn't want to advertise his office hours; if he did he would be flooded with clients so he called Eustace who was now officially mated to Gretchen.

"Sure I have at least five that I could send your way." Eustace said when Mason told him what he wanted to do. "How soon are you opening your office?" he asked.

By the end of the phone call, Mason had his five vampire clients, he wasn't in a big hurry to set up the human ones just yet and he still had to find a place for his office. He spent the evening looking for a place while thinking about Toni in between searches. He felt better knowing that her parents were living with her and hoped that she was at least talking to them if no one else.

****

Toni woke up inconsolable. Nothing that her parents did soothed her, it had been nine months since she buried James and it wasn't any easier. She tried watching the video disc thinking that it would help but it only made her miss him more. She wanted to reach through the TV screen and touch him one more time and then she thought that she might be able to let him go.

The night that she woke up, she fully expected to find him next to her, when she didn't she lost it. Her mother heard her screaming for James and tried to calm her down.

"He promised me!" she repeated over and over until she fell into an exhausted sleep in her mother's arms.

Toni woke late morning feeling washed out, still exhausted and out of sorts. She had to get a grip; she had Jamie to think about. Maybe she did need to see someone but who? She didn't want to see anyone from work and she didn't want the sympathetic looks and pats on the arm or back. She just wanted what she couldn't have: James.

Toni's mother Barbara was growing more concerned with every passing day, she was wondering if they were going to have to take her to the hospital for a psych evaluation when she finally calmed down enough to sleep but even so she looked washed out. Her normally clear skin was dull, her eyes flat until she saw Jamie.

While Toni slept, Barbara did a search for therapist in the area who specialized in grief. While Toni grieved for James, she hadn't let him go and in order for her to be happy again she had to do that. None of the therapist she checked into seemed right for Toni. It had to be someone who would be gentle but who wouldn't be afraid to push her like she and her father were. The question was who could help Toni and where she would find them.

****

Mason found a small office not far from where he lived and prepared to see his first client of the night. It was a female vampire with a taste for human males which in and of itself wasn't a bad thing. The problem was that she wanted to kill them after she was finished having sex with them.

"Why?" Mason asked her.

He threw his hands up when she responded, "Why not?"

There really were some fucked up beings out there he thought as he gave the female several ideas for coping with her murderous thoughts. "I would suggest that you stay away from human males until you have this under control. This isn't just about you but our race as a whole; we have to protect each other."

The woman nodded her understanding and gave her word that she would try to stay away from human males especially after Mason informed her that if any human males turned up dead that he would come for her himself. The rest of the night was easy; the last four clients just basically needed someone to talk to and needed nothing more.

He locked his office and went home his mind on Toni. He wondered how she was and if she had returned to work yet, he was thinking more and more about accidentally "meeting" her. He even thought about trying face book again but nixed the idea. Somehow he doubted that she was networking much if at all, he would just have to wait and bide his time.

***

Two weeks later, Toni's mother was at her wits end. Toni wasn't even getting out of bed for longer than it took to bathe and feed Jamie. She was losing weight and seemed to be getting worse instead of better. Barbara arranged for Ben, Toni's father to watch Jamie. She and Toni were going out even if it was just for coffee.

It took her an hour to convince Toni to get dressed and another half hour to get her out of the door. Barbara drove her to a star bucks and had to convince Toni to get out of the car. Once inside it went better, Toni had to admit that it felt good to be out of the house but she wanted to go back even before they finished their coffee.

"Let's stay long enough to finish our coffee." Barbara urged.

Toni shrugged her shoulders and sipped at her caramel macchiato drink as she watched the people come and go. Barbara took her time with her coffee, even going for a second cup knowing that she would be awake all night because of it.

She happened to look at Toni and saw her eyes widen. She turned around to see who or what had caused Toni's reaction.

****

Mason decided to go for a walk and to grab a cup of coffee along the way. His last client for the evening had just left and it was early, almost nine. The first coffee shop he came to was a star bucks; he went in and waited in line to be served. He didn't know what made him turn around but he did and saw Toni staring at him.

He thanked the fates or whoever wanted the credit and quickly ordered a drink hoping that she wouldn't be gone by the time the server finished taking his money. He glanced back to see if she was still there breathing a sigh of relief when she was. He willed whoever it was that was making the drinks to hurry. He was about to walk away when his drink was put on the counter. He usually added cream and sugar but didn't want to waste time, he'd add it later.

As he approached the table where Toni and her mother sat, Mason took in Toni's appearance. He could tell that it had been a long time since she'd had a good nights sleep, he noted the dark circles under her eyes and the dullness of her skin and hair. He took in the flatness of her expression, she was exhausted physically and emotionally, she needed help.

"Hello, I don't know if you remember me or not but my name is Mason Donahue." He said and then waited for a response.

Toni didn't say anything at first and when she did, it was because her mother said something.

"Toni aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?" she asked.

Mason could have kissed her.

****

Toni was shocked, she hadn't thought about Mason since he tried to contact her on face book just before her and James got married and they will still living in Boston. What was he doing here in San Diego? She wondered.

"Mom, this is Mason Donahue, he was kind enough to help me get James home one night after he had too much to drink, Mason, this is my mom Barbara." Toni said softly.

"It's a pleasure to meet you." Mason said. "Do you mind if I sit for a minute?" he asked.

Toni looked at her mother who was already saying yes.

Mason took the chair next to Toni's mother; he wanted to be able to look at Toni's face when he talked with her.

"I am so sorry about the loss of your husband." he said gently.

For just a second, he thought that she was going to crumble, she was still in so much pain and the first anniversary of his death was in three months but she kept it together albeit just barely.

"Thank you." Toni said and looked down at her coffee cup.

Mason's heart broke for her, she missed her husband desperately and she was near the breaking point.

"Look, I know that we didn't really talk the night that I helped you but I'm a good listener if you ever need someone to talk to." he said as he reached into his jacket and pulled out a card. "Call me anytime day or night." he added.

Barbara took the card and looked at it.

"You're a therapist." she stated.

"Yes, I'm just beginning my practice here after leaving Boston." Mason said.

Barbara looked at Mason and decided that she liked him. She was rarely wrong when assessing the character of people and she had a good feeling about the man sitting next to her. She tucked the card into her purse for safe keeping and looked over at Toni.

"Well Mr. Donahue, it was very nice to meet you." Barbara said.

"Please, call me Mason and it was very nice to meet you and I meant it when I said to call me at anytime if you need anything."

Mason stood up to leave and said good bye to Toni who barely responded.

***

Toni and her mother went home after finishing their coffee. Barbara wanted to ask Toni about Mason but decided not to; apparently they had only met that one time and hadn't seen each other again until tonight. Barbara while a woman who believed in science did not believe in coincidence, she believed that every person that she met was brought into her life for a reason whether that reason is for good or bad. Mason, she believed was going to be for the good.

Toni gave Jamie his bath and read him a story before tucking him in for the night. Her parents had retired for the night leaving her alone in the living room. She looked at the box of discs and put the first one in, this time she was able to watch ten minutes of it before she had to turn it off.

"Damn you for leaving us." she said quietly as she climbed into the bed a few minutes later.

As she closed her eyes, she could have sworn that she heard James' voice.

"Sweetness, I never wanted to leave you."

"Then why did you?" she murmured as she cried herself to sleep.

The next morning Toni felt as if she hadn't slept although she knew that she did but it wasn't a restful sleep, her sleep was plagued by the night James died, how she had watched them try to save him as she stood helpless unable to do anything.

The closer to the anniversary of James' came the worse the dreams became actually turning into nightmares that had Toni screaming in terror and pain. The worst of the nightmares was the one where James sat up from the coffin and accused her of never loving him and of letting him die. She would wake up screaming "I'm sorry! I did love you!"

After this happened several times, Barbara talked to Toni about calling Mason.

"Toni, you can't keep on like this! You need help and if you're not going to do it for yourself then do it for Jamie. He needs you. I have a feeling that this Mason Donahue could help you if you'd let him."

kalamazoo707
kalamazoo707
1,663 Followers
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