Matchmaker Bandit Novel Pt. 01

Hello All,

I am Maximillian Excaliber and before the story I would like to tell you the importance of leaving feedback.

As a writer, it is important to know how well or not well received a work is by received the target audience. Unlike movie and TV studios, we can not rely on focus groups to tell us how our work is being accepted.

On this site, the mechanisms some of us writers rely upon, especially the new ones like myself, are feedback and ratings.

A given work may have been read by 8000 people in three days, but if only 10 or 20 people take the time to rate it and only 2 to leave feedback it is impossible for us and you to tell how popular the story actually is and it is difficult for us, as writers, to know what may need improvement.

While feedback is important to improvement, ratings are the best gauge of how popular a story is but they are only reliable if enough people do so.

For those of you who don't know, a "Hot" story is one that has an average of 4.5 after 10 or more votes. They will have a little red "H" beside their names in the lists displays but some of the best stories have poor ratings because only a few people have taken the time to rate them while literally thousands have actually read them. And so, unless you stumble across them by accident, you may never know about them.

Feedback can always be left anonymously and ratings are always anonymous so please, even if you do not wish to leave feedback, take the time to rate the story.

Unfortunately, I submitted the novel to the editor I started using about three months ago but he is quite busy and does not have the time to edit the novel. I have decided to post it here so I can go on to other projects. Finally, I have made every attempt to make this novel error free that I can, I am sure there are errors in it that, despite my attempts, have slipped past my editing process. Should you find any, please notify me by email and I will correct them. When posting your comments, please try to keep this in mind: I do not represent this as a professional quality work, but it is the best I can do.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and Happy Reading.

*

Introduction

When I started writing some months back, it was with the intention of developing my skills sufficiently so that, with confidence, I could begin writing more conventional fiction. Each story I write is a learning experience for me as I attempt to sharpen my technical skills and story telling techniques.

You will find my stories are becoming longer than the previous ones as I attempt to weave more plot and character development into them.

I hope this is an improvement and you enjoy them.

And now for a word about this particular set of stories.

A few years back I received a couple of rotator cuff injuries that, until recently, had remained undiagnosed. Between that and some other medical problems I will not go into right now, I unfortunately found myself spending more time than I wanted to in medical offices. One good thing has come out of it though; all that time waiting gave me a few ideas for a couple of stories.

This series is the first one of those ideas I have put to words.

As you read these, I think you'll find it amazing what can be running through one's mind while they are in a waiting room.

When next you go to the doctor or dentist, think back on these stories and try to imagine what the other people in the waiting room are daydreaming about as they wait alone with you. I think you'll find it an interesting way to pass the time.

When I started writing this storyline, it was with the intent of writing a single short story. However, as I was reaching the end of what would eventually become part one, it occurred to me that the Matchmaker Bandits had never failed to acquire their objectives before.

The idea of infallibility has never set well with me so I decided to make them just a little more human, and once in a while, let someone else get the best of them. I already had begun to get other ideas for expanding the story floating through my mind when I decided to write what would eventually become Part Two. By the time I was finished with it, my imagination was running full out and I decided to see just how far I could take the storyline.

Please keep in mind the following when you get to Part Four:

One of the two main characters, Lyle Cunningham, describes a medical history including attempts to treat a condition that affected him while he was in college.

While you are reading part four, as outrageous as the medical history described may seem, it is based on actual events in my life.

The main differences between the medical history depicted in the story and what actually happened to me are that I saw far more doctors than does did the character in the story before being properly diagnosed and my gallbladder problems went on for over four years. Also, I am now a type-2 diabetic. The end results of the gallstone being left in too long are that I now have a damaged spleen, pancreas, and liver.

Yes as unbelievable as it sounds, it really does happen.

I want to stress that this is a work of fiction. While some places actually exist, the small town of Magnolia, in Part Five, is a complete construction of my imagination. All characters and events are fictitious and any similarity between the characters and events in the novel and actual people or events is purely in the imagination of you, the reader.

Also, I'd like to thank "Jaily Ember" for taking the time to edit this massive undertaking of mine.

Finally, whether you like it, hate it or are totally indifferent, please take the time to rate it and leave feedback. Also, when doing so, try and remember that the works on this site are mostly done by amateurs such as myself and are edited by volunteers. While every effort has been made to ensure that it is as error free as possible, some minor errors should be expected. Please send me an email and I will correct them in a future reposting of the story. It is very import for the feedback and rating system to be viable that you rate and leave feedback for each posting only once.

Without further ado, please enjoy this, the first Matchmaker Bandit Novel.

Maximillian Excaliber

Part One – The Patient

Prologue

"Did you get the full five thousand this time, Baby?" Johnny "King" Muller asked Joyce Collins, his girlfriend, and wife of the unsuspecting Kent Collins as she opened the front side passenger door of her car and got in.

She replied, "Yes, just like you told me." With a look of concern on her face she asked, "But what if he asks me about it?"

"Fuck him! That will shut him up, then give me a call. I'll come get you and we'll take the forty-five grand we've got and blow town with it before he knows you're gone." He said as he began pulling out of the bank's parking lot. "No let's go back to your place. I want you to blow me while I sit in the sap's favorite chair. Then I'm going to fuck you silly in his bed. I can't believe that idiot could be home fucking that hot ass of yours all weekend but the moron is working instead."

She slipped her hand down between his legs and lowered the zipper on his pants. Then she reached into the opening and gently began massaging his cock while he drove to her house. Without missing a stroke, she said to him, "We've never done that before, isn't that risky? What if he comes home and catches us?"

'King' was driving with one hand, his other arm being around her small waist and his free hand also already under her dress and rubbing her naked pussy.

"Don't worry your sweet ass about it. Baby. I'll take care of him if he shows up!" he said menacingly.

Chapter One - "Off Work Early"

It had been a long hard work week. In fact, it had been a long hard four months at work. I had put in fifty-five hours of overtime this week alone and being salaried, I would receive no extra pay for it.

This particular week I had spent almost every waking hour at work trying to keep what I thought was a flaky server up and running, only to find out that the battery-backup it was plugged in to was defective. To make matters worse, the software that was supposed to monitor it was buggy.

To say that I was tired when I walked in the front door of my house would have been the understatement of the century.

Still, I always enjoyed coming home to my showcase house. It was one of the things that reminded me why I worked so hard. I found few things more beautiful than the view provided me when I walked in my front door. The radiant afternoon sunbeams shining through my patio doors onto the hard wood floor of the living room is absolutely unforgettable.

While I was certainly no millionaire, we both loved having all the conveniences we could afford. Most people would think I was crazy for indulging in such luxuries as having high definition televisions and phones in every room in the house including the bathrooms, but I wanted to enjoy the fruits of my labors.

If you had asked me then, I would have told you that life was good and couldn't get any better.

But despite the beautiful view that was waiting for me when I walked in the door that day, I was extremely tired. All I wanted to do was enjoy a nice relaxing shower, grab an ice cold drink from the refrigerator and fall into a coma until my wife Joyce, Joyce Vivian Collins, that's her full name by the way, came home.

Her car had not been in the garage when I pulled up and I just assumed that she was out finding new and creative ways to spend most of my latest paycheck.

She seemed to have a natural talent for causing the money to disappear as fast as I made it. At that time, I didn't even mind that she could go through money faster than a bulimic goes though a buffet.

You see, while I, Kent Collins, might be a geeky, average looking guy of about 5'9" tall and having short brown hair, brown eyes and the pale white complexion of your average office dwelling computer nerd whose never seen the light of day, Joyce was very much not!

She was a stunning blond knockout that most men would have killed for, and she knew it. I think the best way for me to describe her is to simply say that she could easily have passed for Anna Nichole Smith's twin sister.

I wasn't stupid enough not to know she was going to be high maintenance when I married her and I also knew from the beginning that I would have to keep her happy.

Yeah, I know, my priorities were screwed up back then.

There could be no doubt about it; I was luckier than most forty-eight year old men. I was not deeply in debt, was not paying off any ex-wives and I had no children to support. The last was by choice.

I had just never felt the need to fight my mortality by procreating and it didn't bother me a bit not to her the 'pitter-patter' of little ones running wildly through the house. I was very fortunate that my trophy wife didn't want to ruin her perfect figure by having a family.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not as selfish as you might think. Had she wanted children, I would have done everything I could to see to it that she had them, even it that meant adoption. But she didn't. So, it was to our mutual satisfaction that she remained that most desirable woman I married for as long as she could.

But back to my story. I had taken a nice long shower and was feeling very relaxed when, with a towel rapped around me, I headed from the master bath to the kitchen. My only desires at that time was to open the refrigerator and find something cold to drink before laying down for a nice long nap. I went through our bedroom, down the hallway and into the living room on my way to the kitchen.

When I got to the living room, I stopped dead in my tracks. What I saw was Joyce's slimy ex-boyfriend, Johnny 'King' Muller, sitting in my favorite chair, nude from the waist down with his pants around his ankles and my bare-chested wife kneeling in front of him trying to see how much of his dick she could use to swab her throat!

Unfortunately, the sight of my unfaithful wife blowing the scum ball was not foremost on my mind at the time. What was foremost on my mind was the pistol laying on the end table that 'King' was reaching for with his right hand.

The events that occurred next are still somewhat of a blur to me. I remember my towel opening in the front and it leaving me completely exposed as I attempted to dive behind the couch. I remember seeing 'King' suddenly grab Joyce by her hair and yank her mouth off of his dick as he tried to aim the pistol in my direction.

After that, I have some recollection of Joyce protesting to 'King' about something. All that was followed by an excruciating pain in my groin just before I hit the floor behind the couch.

The sound of Joyce saying, "Jesus King, you could have warned me!" was the last thing I heard before I passed out from the pain.

It occurred to me later that while 'King' was shooting his big pistol at me, he was also shooting his little pistol at Joyce and his wad had ended up all over her face. From the screaming she did, you would have thought that the shot she received hurt more than the one I did!

It seems that one of my neighbors had heard the gunshot and called 911.

When the Police arrived to find me laying unconscious on the floor in a pool of my own blood, Joyce and 'King' were nowhere in sight.

Despite 'King's' best attempt, I guess I wasn't dead after all!

Chapter Two - "Vas Deferens"

While one usually doesn't use the words 'It sounds worse than it really was" to describe being shot, that is exactly what it was.

When I came to, I was in the emergency room being examined by a female physician. The pain in my groin area was almost unbearable and I remember her saying to me as she gave me a shot for it, how lucky I was. As I once again passed out when the shot took effect, I didn't find out until later what she meant.

The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room. Even in the drug induced state I was in I knew that I had undergone some form of surgery. I think I asked the nurse what had happened before passing out again. When I awakened once more, I was in a hospital room with a different nurse standing over me.

"Welcome back, Mr. Collins." She said with a smile on her face without looking up from her watch as she took my pulse.

About that time the fog was lifting enough from my brain for me to begin to feel both cold and pain coming from the area of my testicles.

In horror, I started to lift up the sheet to look under it as I said to her, "What...what happened to me?"

The nurse grabbed my hands and gently pulled them away. Then she said to me reassuringly, "You're going to be just fine, Mr. Collins. Let me page the doctor and he will explain everything to you." With that, she picked up the phone on the stand next to the bed and began speaking into it for several moments.

After she had put down the phone, she turned to me and said, "Dr. Mark Jennings will be here shortly to explain everything to you. Don't worry. You're in good hands. He is one of the best urologists in the state. In the mean time, I'm going to give you something to help ease the pain."

I was about to argue with her but before I could say anything she produced a hypodermic, uncapped it, inserted the needle into the IV and began slowly pushing the plunger. Thirty seconds after the fluid began flowing into the tube a car could have run over me and I wouldn't have cared.

Some hours later I reawakened to the sound of voice. There in the room talking, were two people. I recognized the woman as the nurse who been so quick with a hypo but did not know who the man was that she was talking to but I assumed it was one of the hospital physicians.

He glanced over at me and said to her, "Good, he's awake!" and walked over to my bedside.

"I'm Dr. Jennings. You are a very lucky man, Mr. Collins." He said to me smiling.

The pain was beginning to hit me even while the fog of sleep was lifting. I looked at him and said, "So everyone keeps telling me. I sure don't feel like it right now."

"I'm bet you don't! But trust me, you are going to be just fine in a few days. You will need to stay in bed for the next day or so." he said confidently, and then added, "Do you have someone to look after you?"

"Huh?" I said to him quizzically before adding, "What happened? Why do my balls hurt so much?" Then it finally occurred to me to ask the really important question, "I still have them don't I?"

The doctor looked at the nurse and asked, "Hasn't anyone told him?"

"He hasn't had any visitors yet, no family members, no friends, nobody." she replied to the physician.

"Oh, I see." he said to her. Then turned to me, "I have consulted with a few other urologists and the best we can figure out is that when you dived for cover, the towel covering you fell open allowing your testicles to hang freely downward at the time you were shot. Had that not happened, the bullet most probably would have destroyed both your testicles.

Instead, the bullet severed both your 'vas deferens'. That is the technical name for the tubes leading to your testicles. The result was that when the bullet severed them you effectively received an instant vasectomy. It was a one in a million shot. The paramedics got to you very quickly which is why you did not bleed as badly as you could have.

It was your good fortune that I was already at the hospital seeing another patient when you arrived. I performed surgery on you to clean and cauterize both the entry and exit wounds of the bullet, and the severed tubes.

This was necessary in order to prevent infection and further bleeding.

I'm sorry to have to tell you but I am pretty sure that you will no longer be capable of producing offspring." He paused a few seconds to let what he said sink in. Then he continued, "However, once you recover, everything should feel and work pretty much the same way it did before with the exception being that you probably will not be able to impregnate a woman." Then he asked, "Do you understand?"

Speechless, I nodded affirmatively.

He continued, "The pain and discomfort you are feeling is about what a man would experience after having a vasectomy.

Because of the amount of blood you lost, I am going to keep you overnight but you can expect to be discharged in the morning. You will probably want to take it easy for a few days and keep ice on the wound to minimize the swelling.

The ice will also help with the pain. When you are discharged, you will be given two prescriptions; one will be an antibiotic to prevent infection and the other a mild painkiller.

Take the antibiotic as indicated and the pain killer only as needed. I'd like to see you at my office in about a week to make sure that the wound is healing correctly.

After that, we'll check your ejaculate for sperm in about three months but I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. The damage to your tubes was quite extensive." He looked down at the chart he was holding long enough to write something and then said to me without looking up, "Do you have any questions? Is there anything I need to clarify for you?"

It seemed pretty simple to me so I paraphrased for him, "I take one bullet and now I am permanently shooting blanks! Right?"

"Yes, that's right." He replied before asking, "I can have my office fax something over to your employer tomorrow giving you a week's sick time if you'd like?"

Hell, I needed a break anyway after the hours I had been putting in, so I said to him, "Thanks, that would be great."

"If you need anything or have any questions, just call my office." He said as he handed the chart back to the nurse.