Memoirs of a Dreamer Ch. 02

After some thought she admitted to letting many things slide, told Him she had lost focus. He asked her why she lost focus, and from the abruptness of His questions, she knew He was being stern with her. Her fingers hesitated over the keys as she struggled to think and not feel, but it was a battle she was destined to lose. She explained that a big part of why she had lost focus was because she had been so focused on work, she let other things slide. She tried to help Him understand, it was not the time she spent with Him, or the changes He was making in her life, rather it was that when she became totally focused on one thing, it was as if she had become obsessed.

She told Him there were other small things, and He asked her what. She replied, "the small things don't matter, they always fit into the spaces, and they are kept there, kept small."

"But that was not the question was it?"She knew as soon as she answered that He would reprimand her for not answering the question directly, so as His reply appeared she was already typing the answer she knew He wanted.

She knew she could not side step with Him or distract Him, why she continued to try, she was not sure, perhaps because it was habit. No one had ever cared before, worried, or noticed when she did it. Was she testing Him? Without realizing, she was doing it? She did not need to, this she knew, so why? Puzzled she tried harder to not fall into old habits and patterns. She wanted so desperately to please and do the correct thing. She continued, telling Him that when she stopped juggling she became lost. She was too used to doing many things at once, and this was what enabled her to stay focused. "We will see," was His response.

"See what Sir?

"How well you do."

"Now how are you feeling?" This was a question she learned he loved to ask. Since they talked online, she knew it was the only way He had of knowing how she was feeling, and it was His way of making her examine her feelings and dealing with them. Once more, she tried to side step. She was feeling so many things, and most were not pleasant. She was fearful and ashamed of the feelings washing over her. She did not want her Lord to know how she felt, for she was afraid of disappointing Him. Again, He would not let her slide, He repeated His question and waited patiently for an answer.

Finally, she told Him, "Lost, lonely, confused, hurt, angry…"

"Why?"was His only response.

Many minutes later He told her, "Take it one at a time and tell me."

"I can't"

"You can if you want to." She hesitated for a very long time, unsure of how to tell Him why she could not explain. " Are you angry with me?"

"No. Angry with myself."

"Why?" One of His favorite questions, one she had become used to hearing and now expected whenever she shared with Him. Again, she sat for long moments, tears streaming down her cheeks as she struggled to cope with the feelings and remember to trust. As the battle inside her raged on, He asked, "Are you going to tell me?"

Patience was one quality she knew her Lord possessed, but she also knew there were limits. Everyone had limits, and she did not want to test His. Finally, she answered, "There are many reasons, and most do not make any sense to me. None of what I am feeling makes sense to me right now. And I forgot to add 'ashamed and scared to how I feel."

"If it does not make sense then do not worry about it. Are you ashamed of us and what is happening?"

"No."

"Then of what?"

"Me."

"Why? Lonely because you know a day will come when you will move on away from me or because you need more then I can give from here?"

"Lonely because I want someone to hold me and there is no one. It is still something I have not gotten used to, but it is better than it used to be."

"Now do you see why I ask you to 'hunt'? You need this and you will never find that someone by staying at the house. You need not feel any of this if you have learned from all this and I believe you have learned much more than you know. Are you crying?" The question she had been dreading, He finally asked.

"Yes Sir."

"Why? Do you not see that I care? If I did not, would I have taken the time for all this?"

"Yes Sir. I know you do care."

"So why cry when you are learning? One should only cry if they have stopped learning in life."

"I cry when I am angry. I always have."

After a moment, He told her that He had a call to make and He would be right back. After a few minutes, He was back and she welcomed Him.

"Are you done being upset?"

"I am not crying anymore."

"Was it worth it?"

"I don't know."

"Well it is time to be happy for you have learned a new thing, have you not?"

"Learning is good."

So, He told her to be happy, not sad, angry, or ashamed or any of the other things she had been feeling. It was not that easy for her, but she could not tell Him. He asked her how she was feeling now, and she replied that she was biting her tongue.

"Do you want to yell at me?"

"To keep from being a smartass."

"That is good. Then you have worked through it if you are ready to be a smartass. I am a pain in the ass with all this, I know." She asked Him why He did it, then quickly told Him never mind. She knew as soon as she asked, what the answer was, for in many ways He was like her. He enjoyed helping people, teaching, and watching them grow. He told her it was ok to ask, but she probably already knew that, did she not.

"Yes" He asked her if she thought He did it to be mean, but she already knew why and told Him,"no, not at all."

"Then what?" She told Him she should not have asked that question; He replied, "But you have asked so now we must find the answer." She told him she realized the answer as soon as she asked. "And what is it?"

Uncertain how to answer she asked, "Do we have to go there?"

"If not then you must give me a reason why. For it is a simple statement is it not?"

"I don't know for sure why You do it, but I know why I do it."

"For you to learn and grow."

"And I do… do the same to people I care about."

Again, He told her He needed to use the phone and He would be right back. Somewhat calmer she waited for Him to return. When He did, it was to tell her that He had to go, but told her also that they would finish their talk tomorrow. She hugged Him and wished Him sweet dreams. He signed off.

The next day, she called into work and stayed home. Confused and still upset, she knew she would be no good at work and had time off coming. She crawled back into bed and tried hard not to think or feel.. Soon she was asleep again. She knew part of the emotional turmoil was because she was not taking her medicine, but usually she could still cope. This time it was just a bit too quick and too much. She needed time to sleep so her mind could process and heal, and time to think so she could get control again of her life and feelings. She thanked God that it did not happen more often, and resolved to get her prescriptions filled when she got paid again. The long hours at work, the issues with her daughter, and the changes she was going through were too much, her body could not cope.

About noon the phone rang, she debated answering but knew if it was work, they really needed her. She answered the phone and it was her Lord. He asked her if she was ok. With that question, they picked up where they had left off the night before, but now she was calmer and the feelings were dull, so she was able to talk with Him and share. For her at that moment in time, His voice was the sweetest thing she had heard. She could hear the emotions, read Him so much easier, and it made her feel safer and more secure. As they talked, she began to feel more peaceful and settled.

He told her He had been looking for her all day, that He was worried. He said He had called her at work, but found out she did not go in, tried to e-mail, but got no response, finally He found her home number. Thinking of what He had gone through to reach her, she realized He really cared, and after their talk, she knew He would be with her for a while longer, that she would not be alone. He would not let her be alone. The feelings that flooded her when she figured that out, were so intense, but so good that she spent the rest of the day smiling and feeling wonderful.

One of the things He picked up on during their conversation, asked about, and she confirmed, was the arousal His voice and call had produced. Teasing her, He told her she could touch ten times. With a soft moan, she did as instructed. Then came the question, and she groaned. She wanted so badly just to play and listen to Him, but He was in control and she was not allowed. After answering the question, she was permitted to touch again, twice. Another question, which she answered quickly, hoping to be permitted to touch again, and she was. Before the next question could come, He was interrupted.

When He returned to the phone and heard her soft moans, and trembling breath, He knew she needed release. He told her He had to go, and instructed her to have fun and find her release. She told Him softly she would, but it would not be near as good without Him. He chuckled and told her that He would help her later that night. As she hung up the phone, her fingers were already dancing over her swollen throbbing clit. She thought of Him and the things He had told her He wanted to do to her. Sliding her fingers deep into her dripping pussy, she fought not to cum just yet. It was a hard battle, but she won, and her fingers continued to play as her imagination built wonderful pictures. Soon she could hold back no longer, with a soft moan and spasms rippling through her fevered flesh, she spun out of control and peaked hard. Licking her fingers clean, she snuggled up in bed and drifted off to sleep once more.

A short time later she woke, and decided to check her e-mail and work on her story some. Opening her mail, there were four messages from her Lord. She read them in order, and by the time she reached that last, she knew exactly how much her Lord cared.

My lady,

I did not want to upset you last night, nor did I want to leave you when I did, but I had one of our men get hurt so I had to go. I spent most of the night with him at the hospital. All is ok, but when these things happen I must go and take care of them. If I hurt you I am sorry, I was only trying to show you what I see in you and just how much you know about yourself. It is not my way just to tell you things, but it is my way to help you find them yourself. Some are hard, some are not, for when we look at ourselves, we see things we like and things we don't. This is true of myself. Yes I push on you to open up, to look, to yell, to get mad, to be happy; for when you go thru all that and get past it, is only when your are free of it. I myself had to learn this the hard way and on my own and yes there are still some things I will not look at. If you have such things, then tell me that we are at the limit, but you must tell me for me to know. I hope this helps you understand just a little more about me.

If you have read the other e-mails then you know I have tried to reach out to you today. If I did not care would I have tried to do so?

your Lord

My Lord,

Yes, I read the e-mails in the order in which they were sent, after speaking with You on the phone. I came close to not answering the phone, but knew if it was work, then they really needed me. Hearing Your voice instead stunned me, yet I was not surprised. Since we talked, You know now that I am not angry or upset with You or the questions You asked.

Rather it was the comment You made. "You need someone to hold you, someone to take care, take care of you. You need more than one visit a year or time on the computer." I know we have not been talking for long, and You may not be truly aware of the times I have searched for closeness, nor may You be aware of the rejections and pain that searching produced. Last night when You made that comment, it brought the tears. Today when we spoke of it on the phone, the tears came again. Now, sitting here writing this, thinking of it once more, the tears come again.

Just a few short months ago, I lost someone, and while the pain of that loss has faded, the pain of his rejection lingers. A few weeks ago, I sent someone away. I had to push hard, be hard to get him to walk away, even though I care deeply for him. Why? Because, we were only hurting one another, the past few weeks we both made mistakes. Could we reach past the hurt, correct the mistakes and learn not to be that way with each other? Perhaps, but the trust that was broken was not one that could easily, if ever, be repaired. In addition, he needs things I cannot give, and I need things he cannot give. He was a wonderful friend who should never have become more. With my track record, what hope have I of finding the one I should be with?

Last night You asked me if I learned from what I wrote for You, but You did not ask what I learned. What I learned is how much I have come to value my time with You, and how much I am coming to care for You as a friend and Lord. What I learned is that I have no idea of the limits or how to determine those limits that a Lord might have. Most of the other things I shared are things I have always known. I just don't think of them in a conscious way anymore.

When I tell someone that what I do or think is based on instinct or an inner knowing, it is because I am using that knowledge and experience to guide me. When I first began doing that I would go through the process of determining what and why, but gradually over the years as I learned what I was using to guide me, I began to trust myself instead. Sometimes it is necessary for me to go through the process so I can explain to another the why, but it is not often that someone asks why?

One thing I am not going to say is that I have not learned anything new, for though it may not always be something new, the way I look at it, the depth to which I look, may be new. Only when growth stops, is there nothing new to learn.

~Smiles~ You called again, so You know I am writing this. You told me I did not have to, but I want to do this. It helps me think. Only thing is, after Your call, when I returned to the computer, the poets caught me. I have to think to remember where I left off and what I was mulling over. Before You ask, yes, I am sitting here squirming. The sound of Your voice did get me hot, but per Your instructions, I have not and will not play.

Sir, You asked if I was feeling better. Yes I am. I see You are correct in saying I need human contact. I am so used to doing without, I tend to forget the joy, pleasure and safety that can be found in 'real' contact. Now that my daughter has left on her trip, the house is quiet and I have more time to really think, and realize that I am alone. I do enjoy hanging out, visiting, and going out, but there are none here I know well enough or trust enough to spend time with in that way. I am one of those few people who can go out, spend hours at a place and never speak to a soul. ~Grins~ I think it's called shy and/or introverted. Before You ask, I have been like this all my life. Only once I know someone or am comfortable with him or her, does this change. The only exception to this is when I am online; there I am never shy.

Okay, I just checked out some sites online. I was sitting here writing this and I could hear the question, "why don't I keep a journal/diary", so I popped online to see what was available. I found a site, for online journals where there is a D/s community. I read some of the entries, and one reminded me of You. ~Smiles~ These comments and sentiments appear to reflect some of what You have shared with me about the D/s lifestyle.

"[ …] It has galled me to no end to hear Doms tell a submissive, that he has neither collared OR spent honest time with, that she is not Worthy to receive his training or attention […] That is the most asinine thing that a Dom could say.. and those who say it know nothing about real submission. […] It's NOT [becoming a Dom] something that happens over night. It takes a LONG time sometimes a lifetime of learning for a Dom to be the best they can be…

One thing any Dom or Top would do well to learn is this [...] ONLY a submissive can say if they are worthy of something or not. NOW there is an exception here and that is when a submissive has accepted a collar and is the property of a specific Dom. THEN that Dom has say over that submissive. BUT that is by mutual agreement…

[…] and subbies.... You also need to realize that there are a bunch of wanna be's and players out there. YOU have the right to decide who does what to you at all times UNTIL there is a real life collar on your neck. and even then, it's AFTER much negotiation and TOTAL TRUST has been established.

A submissive is an empty book that a good Dom can write Volumes in. Like any great masterpiece, they need to be taken care of and nurtured.
One cannot tell a submissive that they are lacking and are not worthy and not expect them to feel bad. Instead of finding all the bad things by taking one or two GOOD things and emphasizing them, will give the submissive the determination and drive to continue to grow and excel at those things that they are tasked to do.

In my book a Dom or top, that does nothing but cut someone down and tell them how bad they are, is NO Dom, but a joke who has no idea what they are doing."

Posted: June 11, 12:40AM
Doms, Tops and so called masters
posted by "daddy"
http://www.livejournal.com/community/living_d_s/

How true any of this is I am not sure about, but most of it seems to make sense. What's more, the few Doms I have talked with or met online seem to agree with these sentiments. Reading this, and reflecting on how You treat me, I can see you walking the road a good Dom walks. You have never forced or tried to force me in anyway, instead, guiding and nurturing. You have never told me I was unworthy, nor did You demand my submission. Instead, waiting until I offered and even then, You took the time to teach me and help me learn what I was doing, and made sure I was comfortable and confident in my decision. You help me learn my limits and respect them, even as You help me to stretch them. For all that You have done, taught me, and the growth You've encouraged, Thank You My Lord.

Well, better close this and send it. Still have my walk to take.

~hugs~

Your lady

It was late before she finished her letter and sent it off. She knew her Lord would not see it until possibly the following day and fully expected to be questioned about what she had sent. She took her walk, thoughts of her Lord and her future swimming in her mind. Relaxed and at ease, she set the alarm and crawled into bed. It was a short night but she woke rested and ready to face the new day. She had again found her peace and was settled.

That evening as she was leaving work, she got a phone call from her daughter who was out of town. There had been an accident. It took her a while to calm her daughter down. When she was finally free of the phone, she went outside and cried. She had become used to handling problems and helping when someone needed her, but it was still difficult. She knew she was alone and there was no one on whom she could call or lean for help. Her daughter was in a mess, and she was the only one who could or would bail her out. As the tears flowed her mind worked.

She organized her thoughts and made decisions on what had to be done, when, and how. Then she wiped her eyes and took the first step. She had missed her bus while talking to her daughter and if she were unable to find a ride, would be spending the night at the office. Only one of her co-workers was still at the office so she asked if he could give her a ride. He agreed when he realized her plight. Then she took the next step and went in search of her boss who was still at the office. She told him the situation and made her request and he told her she could. Nothing more could be done until the next day. Her co-worker was not ready to leave yet so she told him she would wait outside. Sitting in the sun on the walkway, she let the tears flow again, wondering when, if ever, she would be free of the need to control and command.