Might Have Been

But she had been different. She had been light and joy to the darkness that grew inside of him. She politely challenged all of his self-centered assumptions. At the same time, she had nurtured his curiosity and intelligence. He still had every single one of those emails saved. He had re-read each one thousands of times. But the one that he desired the most never came, an explanation of what happened after that night.

He could guess of course. He supposed having sex with a self-important nineteen year old black man from Compton did more than a bit of a mind game upon the traditional mother from Texas. 'But didn't he at least deserve an email?' he thought.

He could remember each detail of that magical evening. He had played it across the wide-screen of his memory more times than he could count. The sweet taste of her almost innocent kisses. The feel of her soft hands across his shoulders and back. He had worn her marks, small crescents from her nails sinking into his flesh as he brought her to orgasm over and over again that night. He had known that he frightened her as much as he intrigued her and he had pulled out every single trick of both his mind and body to capture her heart that night.

He had spent the past decade running from his failure in the one thing that mattered most. Her. And now she stood before him once more. He would have his answers, eventually. But this time, he would not overwhelm her, he would use the subtlety that he had learned over those years to woe her this time. And the first step was making her feel comfortable.

"Hello, Jeanette. It really is nice to see you again. How have you been?" he smiled as he leaned against the desk.

She shook her head, "I need to get to my next class, Professor. So unless there was something specific you needed to ask me, I don't have time for society's polite rituals and pleasantries."

He laughed, "I like it. This new boldness suits you, Jeanette." He stood up and began to disconnect the laptop from its portal. "I just wanted to assure you that you are welcome to remain in the class. If for any reason, my presence makes you uncomfortable. If you have concerns about my impartiality, I can arrange for your papers to be graded by a colleague."

She stepped back, "I had not even thought of that." She studied him for a long moment, "No, that won't be necessary. You have too much pride to ever use your position like that."

He smiled up at her, his breath froze as he looked upon the only woman he had ever loved for the first time in a decade. "Thank you for that. But I should also tell you that I have every intention of pursuing you. Of renewing our friendship. I missed you, Jeanette. I missed your bright mind, your kind heart," his eyes travelled slowly up and down her body taking it all in. "And I missed making love to you."

She cleared her throat and shifted from foot to foot, "Yes, well, I'm afraid that is not going to happen, Professor."

"Hmm, I like the way you say that. Professor. It gives me ideas for all the naughty games we can play. You can be my naughty little school girl?"

She laughed, "School girl? Have you forgotten, Trev? I'm sixteen years older than you. I don't think that one is very realistic, do you? Maybe you should be the naughty school boy?"

He stared at her, "It was never like that with you and you know it. Ours was a meeting of equals. A melding of minds and souls, Jeanette. I wasn't playing games then and I'm not now."

"That's good to know, because let me make this clear. I have no intention of ending up back in your bed, Trevor. Ever."

"Aww, yes, Jeanette, but would you have coffee with me? Old friends catching up."

She shook her head as she turned to leave, "That is most definitely not a good idea."

***

Jeanette sat in her car. Her hands trembled as she tried to put the key in the ignition. How could this be happening to her? After all these years. Why did he have to show up in their lives now? He could destroy everything she had worked so hard to build. Her whole family. But he was right about one thing, that night had been special. The most special in her life. In so many ways.

They had been sitting on his bed, her cup of coffee had long since gone cold, but she had not said anything. She did not want to do or say anything to lessen the spell that his idealistic words were wrapping about them. He spoke so eloquently about racism, the obsession with beauty and religion. His ideas fascinated, but what had won her over most was that he listened to her, valued her thoughts. It was so very different from her marriage.

When he had leaned over and softly brushed his full lips across hers, her heart had gone into overdrive. She had mumbled something about it being time for her to go. But instead he had gently lain her back on his bed and drugged her with more of those slow, deep kisses. She had not even realized that he had been touching her until she felt his hand cupping her bare breast. Where had her blouse and bra gone, she had wondered.

But then it was no longer his hands, but his hot mouth that was working the tight point of her nipple. Her body was on fire. In a way it never had been. She was terrified. But oh god, it felt so good. It felt just like all those damned romance novels that she had kept hidden under the mattress for years. And she wanted to find out if it really could be that good. If sex could be more than a duty performed in darkness for the purpose of procreation. And it had been.

She had been moaning and arching up against his mouth as he suckled upon her. His hands had bunched her skirt about her upper thighs and his fingers were rubbing tenderly at flesh that only she had ever touched. His touch was more sure, more practiced than even her own. He knew just what to do to take her higher and higher. Then she felt him tugging at her panties.

She knew that she should put a stop to the madness. She was a thirty-five year old single working mother. He was a nineteen year old black college student. It was wrong on so many levels, but nothing had ever felt so right. Instead of leaving she had lifted her bottom and her panties had magically disappeared, she actually could not find them and had gone home the next morning without them.

He had released her nipples, rose above her and stared smiling into hers eyes. She had frozen at what she saw in their dark depths. She had been the first to look away. Then he was kneeling on the floor between her legs, she did not have time to think after that as his mouth repeated the sweet torture that he had performed on her nipples on the tiny nub between her legs. Within moments she was frantically arching her pelvis off the bed, grinding it against his lips and tongue as she had the most powerful orgasm of her life.

But the night was far from over as she heard soft tearing and then he was filling her. Her eyes had flown open at the unexpected fullness, she had clutched at his shoulders as he filled her and filled her and filled her. By the time he was fully seated inside of her, she was breathless and panting beneath him. Then he had taken her on a roller coaster ride that was unlike anything she had ever known. She had come over and over again.

She had never felt the power she felt that night as she watched him throw back his head, a deep guttural moan erupting from his throat as it worked reflexively up and down. The way he trembled in her arms and beneath her hands as he came filled her with wonder. Had she done this? Had she given him even a fraction of the pleasure that he had given her?

When he collapsed smiling against her shoulder, she had automatically wrapped her arms about him, drawing him close, holding onto him for whatever brief time they had. They had waken twice ore that night. Making love each time. Until the first rays of the morning sun had filtered through the open curtains. And reality had landed solidly in her addled brain. What was she doing? What would her children think if they found out?

It was the same question that she struggled with as she pulled into the driveway of her town home. She smiled as she saw Hope and Gideon playing basketball in the driveway. Rachel waved to her as she pulled up. "Dinner is ready, Mom," her daughter said.

Hope turned and ran into her arms. Throwing herself against her with the same enthusiasm as her father took on all that life threw his way. What would they all think?