Misfits Masquerading as Critics

In our country the Monday just past was a public holiday, making what is quaintly called a 'long weekend' of Saturday-Sunday-Monday thereby proving conclusively that all weekends are not the same length.

So what does a writer of adult fiction do on a long weekend to differ it from the standard length weekend? Why, write adult non-fiction of course. So I sat at my keyboard and had a virginal, or if you prefer, novel writing experience: my first hit of writers' block.

My fingers danced airily - much in the way the nose of a sleeping dog twitches - above the black plastic tabs with the worn symbols for E, M and Comma; Full-stop, or if you prefer, Period disappeared a couple of years ago. In pathological fear I willed those disorderly fingers to lower on to the keys to begin writing intellectual esoteric prose instead of low-brow erotic filth they usually type to stiffen the nipples of females and to assist males recover from droop.

But did that work? No - nothing but absolute defiant disobedience.

I rested temporarily and opened the Literotica website and headed for my favourite reading under 'Feedback Portal'. The first disgrace causing me to grin was some nerd slamming a youthful new contributor for 'unacceptable grammar' – there were two spelling errors in the critic's short 'knuckle rap'. Presumably something that the young lad or lass wrote was commendable but that was not conceded; it rarely is.

I rolled in mirth reading an outraged reaction from a critic berating some poor sod (I don't recall it being me) for not understanding the difference between its and it's. That quite ruined the story for him/her, the critic claimed. Oh really? Shorten my dick for laughing but does it really matter if the bear-ass babe came into the room instead of the bare-ass babe? Oh, it does? Hmmm. Personally the thought of a bear-ass babe entering the room leaves me hugely impressed. Was thick hair completely covering that ass and did that back end smell of honey? Oh, how truly erotic in exercising the mind of the reader who doesn't stop dead at the sight of the first sign of a writing flaw.

But the best category for hysterical laugher occurs in the tale/tail to Loving Wives stories. Holier-than-Thou critics trash the writers for their promiscuous creativity and berate to the point of turning berserk whenever a Loving Wife's husband loads spare deposits into the nether regions of his wife's friends, sisters, mother and wanton neighbours. These Morality Police truly are so hilarious attempting to impose their low-brow, small minded or skewed beliefs rather than commenting in open-minded fashion with at least some degree of literary criticism of interest.

Ironies abound: apparent brain-dead critics (judging by their ranting) accuse the author of being brain-dead; a morally crazed critic suggests a particular author of fiction should seek a lobotomy or some poor misguided fool ejaculating 'no way can one respect these characters'. Huh? As soon as the story in question began it suggested characters slumming in a cesspit. No way would I expect to respect such revolting characters occupied in their revolting ways; if I did, why would I read on? That's a big question.

One has to ask are these critics all genuine or are some of them simply stirring the pot to ensure we all get a good laugh or are incited to bounce off the wall in outrage?

With that dump off my mind, I returned to my keyboard to see whether perhaps I was meant to press a 'non-fiction' key, but found none – not even when pressing control+N.

Being a touch-typist I closed my eyes and typed. Bingo – my laughter courtesy of Literotica appeared to have cleared my blockage. I peered at the word I'd typed. It read 'Censorshit'. I made the correction and wondered what did I know about censorship? Nothing, which perhaps puts me on par with brain-dead Loving Wives critics.

So I backspaced censorship and replaced it with 'Writing styles: Spelling and abbreviations' and began writing policy:

On this site it, its and it's are regarded as being interchangeable because this site only attracts intelligent readers who know the difference and can read through without interference or being in danger of having the left or right side of their brain closed down.

We accept the use of their for there and bear for bare as only fools would be confused.

Altitude doesn't mean the same as attitude, but either word may be used because our intelligent readers scan in context as they read so will not be confused.

We decree that the longest word acceptable on this site written entirely on the top row of letters of a QUERY keyboard is typewriter. Anyone finding that ruling unacceptable because they know of a longer word is invited to complain to their local Demigod.

At the end of the long weekend I had 72,000 usage styles and variances tabulated and they will be posted shortly. So, that was my weekend gone. Writing non-fiction is very hard work, believe me.

To save readers disagreeing with this Essay for Literotica or breaking their neck to disclose my errors, I make it easier for them by supplying these cut and paste responses:

WHAT a piece of crap.

THE author is obviously already lobotomized.

WHERE was the sex? This piece should be removed from Literotica.

I'M confused; what is a Demigod?

IS there a difference between its and it's?

THIS is the most amazing piece of prose created since 'Animal Farm'.

LITEROTICA: please purge this guy. He threatens to undermine mankind.

Fini