Miyudahi

We broke off our engagement more than five years ago. We haven't heard from each other since. I saw her walking in midtown; she was wearing a long pleated skirt, loose-fitting blouse, stockings...the whole orthodox-woman attire. She even wore a scarf around her hair as most orthodox women do when they are married. I'm not sure if she was married, either way she was the picture of Jewish piety and modesty.

I saw her walking down the street. I felt no love. No care. Nothing. But I wanted to know how she was doing, what she was doing, if she was ok, if there was something I could do for her. We passed by each other, I looked at her with a warm and excited smile, so happy to greet and old friend. She looked at me; no expression on her face. Then looked away in mildly bemused mocking disgust. I must be a painful memory for her. Perhaps she is ashamed of what we did. She was clearly part of a very strict orthodox Jewish community. Perhaps for her I am a memory that reminds her that she doesn't completely fit in even in her own home. It was very sad for me. She is a very precious memory for me. One of my fondest and most special. Most cherished.

We used to spend every possible minute together. She came over to my mom's house the Sabbath of her 18th birthday. I was 22 years old.

We weren't the most well behaved orthodox couple on the face of the earth. We had bought these puppies; little stuffed dogs. We hugged them in each other's stead while we waited to be married. We started just touching each other's cheeks with them, like a kiss. Before the dogs I would stroke her cheek with a pen or with my glasses. Just gently...her cheek. Down her neck....her breasts. Her nipples. She would just close her eyes lie back and enjoy...loved listening to her breath when I would do it,...her excitement. She would do the same to me...no touching of course. Never allowed in a room alone together we would find a secluded area in a park or on the side of some road. We weren't allowed total privacy; it had to be a place where a car passed by at least once in a while. I remember how innocent we were; I was so terrified of being caught; we both were. And what would an onlooker have seen; two young adults sitting next two each other with a pair of stuffed animals? Hardly a scandal. Perhaps they might see the little puppies giving us kisses. But in our community we did not want to be caught alone together; it wouldn't have been good.

We were going to be good that weekend. We had specifically not brought our puppies with us. It made sense at the time; ...I suppose I was unable to fathom a sexual experience that didn't involve a stuffed animal of some sort. There was no party. My mom was out. We simply cooked a Friday night meal that we enjoyed together. Never allowed privacy with each other we relied on a poor abused and slandered leniency that if the door is left open it's ok. We were in my room together, alone; the door was ajar.

She was always so modest. She never even let me see her barefoot; this was even more strict than most. Perhaps I thus developed a bit of a foot fetish.

We were in my room finding a modicum of privacy where I could give her a gift. We were sitting on my bed. I proposed; her gift was an engagement ring. She was going to sleep in my bed; I was going to sleep downstairs. She was in a night gown; her feet were bare but almost completely hidden under the covers. I could feel my heart beating hard inside my chest; it beat so hard it almost hurt; I wondered if she could see it. With her sitting there in just a nightgown, this was the most of any woman I had ever seen in my entire life.

I had proposed. No longer had the excuse of needing a private place to present her gift. It was time to say goodnight. I took a little stuffed dog that I had in my room. The little toy gave her a peck on the cheek...her neck. Then this frisky little dog went under the sheet and kissed her toes under the covers. She just laid back and relaxed; I couldn't be done saying goodnight just yet. It was all so nice.; it was so novel to just sit and enjoy her presence without anyone else. The little dog kissed her toes...her feet...her ankle.

I remember that she had these amazing ankles. She was so toned and had this muscular little petite body. The puppy traveled further .. her calves were amazing. Kissing...gently caressing her legs and calves through this little toy. Made my way up just below her knee. I was going to stop there. Knees were a boundary; something you really aren't allowed to see. I stopped; she looked at me; pulled her gown over her knees. I look back and it is so silly; I was overcome. One must understand, as an orthodox Jew, knees might well have been nipples; much like Paris, though on my list, had scene neither.

Playing with the little dog on her leg...then all of a sudden I see he's made his way all the way up her thighs. Crazy mutt; I was appalled at his behavior; she pulls her gown up over her waist. I remember the excitement when I was helping her pack her bags. Put all of her cloths in her suitcase. Seeing her panties then was wonderful; no comparison though for when she was in them.

She says, "I feel so uninhibited; I feel like I could do anything with you." Gulp. She takes her gown, pulls it over her head. All she has on now are panties. This was all of my birthdays at once. I couldn't speak; I couldn't move. I just lay down...put my head on the bed beside her...stare at her. Just couldn't' stop looking at her. I said, "I love you. I love you. I love you..." There was nothing else to say.

She takes her gown in her hand...pulls my shirt up over my head. No touching, remember. I take my shirt in my hand; she lies back. Through my shirt covering my hand...caressing her her neck, her breast... her stomach. Her panties. Looking up at me. Staring in my eyes. Excited, nervous; she's wondering what I'm going to do. With my shirt covering my hand I pull down her panties. I remember how she writhed .. my hands so close. I am sitting on the bed next to her; her gown in her hand she pulls down my pajama pants; then my boxers.

We lie down next to each other. No touching. We both start masturbating together. Touching our bodies for each other; it was so close. We both came; it didn't take long after all that.

Lying next to each other; as far apart as you can possibly be on a twin bed. We were both very skinny back then. We went to sleep. It's the most amazing thing in the world to wake up next to someone you love. It was so incredible. It's like you were asleep dreaming...then when you wake, you're dream has come true.

I went on top of the blanket, scooped her up into my arms...only separated by the blanket. Squeezing her, holding her close. I could never have imagined what it was like to hold someone close. No one can tell you what that is like.

She smiled and said, "this is silly...and this technicality hasn't mattered the whole time." She takes my hand in hers, and places it on her face. That was it. Neither of us made it to synagogue that morning. We had more important things to do.

The reader may wonder how our love affair ended. How were we once so in love and now not. There are endless reasons. I'm sure that many people know all too well how one day you wake up and with the love of your life you are in love no more. Maybe we were too young. Perhaps we loved each other for the wrong reasons. There may have been family issues. Who knows? It is shocking how time can erode even your deepest emotions.

I was warned that without a good explanation this would be a very sad story. I don't think so. I have a wife and an amazing little girl. I was in the delivery room when she was born. I heard her first cry. When my ex-fiancé and I parted ways life did not cease to bless me with spectacular events and powerful emotions. This is not sad. This is simply one of my many most precious memories.