Molly and Jess

My heart groans as I attempt to write this, but I know the story needs to be told. I know I need to reach deep within myself and find the courage to tell it. It all started when I carried out my childhood dream – to be a camp counselor. I applied to a YMCA camp when I was 18 years old and made the High Ropes staff. I could not be happier. As my senior year in high school came to a close, jitterbugs entered my stomach. A lot of old-timers would not be returning and I had no idea who would make or well even break the staff that summer.

I went in with an incredibly open mind that summer and well fucking nervous. I was to be a lifeguard regardless of the fact that I did not want to. The administration wanted all the people they could get to be lifeguards. Our training was condensed into one week compared to most people who learn within a few months time; on top of that, we life guarded a lake. This just made me all the more nervous. Nevertheless, I continued with training and passed both the written and physical test. Over the course of the summer, many counselors dabbed in alcohol while I refused to stoop down to that level. I was there to serve the campers, not to serve my needs.

Yet no matter how hard I tried to be the "ideal" counselor, something always got to me. After lifeguard training week, the week for all counselors to be trained arrived. New people arrived. That is when I met Molly. She was sitting far across the room from me, wearing some sort of pink college shirt. Her blonde hair was pulled back. I immediately noticed her nose ring. She seemed relaxed and a little withdrawn. Who was this girl?

I eventually started talking to her. She was from Ohio and totally had an accent! I, being young and well foolish, made fun of her in a good way and even told her I liked her accent. Ha! I asked her thousands of questions and even offered to help her with her luggage. I think I was a little too enthusiastic to meet her and well she definitely noticed that. Months later, she told me her first impression of me was that I was "incredibly annoying." Ha!

I do not blame her, but for some reason I could not process my thoughts, emotions, etc. On the first night, when we were all in the cabin, we were all talking about our bodies and what we liked/didn't....that kind of "girl talk," when it was Molly's turn. She said, "Yeah, I can't stand my dimples, but for some reason every one likes them."

Other side conversations were going on between everyone when I responded, "Why don't you like them? They're cute. I like them!"

Molly simply looked at me and at first did not react. Finally she did, with "Well, I don't like lesbians, so..." The whole room got quite on "lesbian." My face turned red and I focused my eyes and attention on something more interesting. What was going on? Why did I feel guilty? What the fuck did I just say that was bad? Finally, the subject got changed and I was left to wallow in my own feelings.

My first challenge hit me fast and hard. We were doing a water drill - our very first one in fact. A water drill is when most of the counselors go to an assigned area of the lake and search for a missing child. It is required and is pretty important. I've never been a good swimmer, but ironically I was assigned to the deep end. My stomach was nervous and I had not even gotten in the water yet.

The deep end of the lake can be anywhere from twelve feet deep or more. It gets deeper as you go – sometimes nearly eighteen feet deep. I'm of an average height, but nevertheless. . .have weak lungs. I was doing great the first five minutes of the drill, staying on pace with my line, pushing all the way down to the bottom of the water, scooping up the dirt on the bottom, three times, and feeling for anything mysterious. (In water drills, we used a filled milk jug as "the child."). After about another five minutes of resting, I was next in line.

This time, I replaced a person who was farther out away from the dock; thus, it was deeper. I sucked in some air, went down when told, swam down with all my might, reaching my hands down for dirt. I didn't feel anything! I only felt water. I was running out of breath! I tried to swim farther down. . .kicking, pushing, fighting, thinking of a dead child, when I rose to the surface, gasping for air. My line had already moved...I was totally out of sync.

Another counselor's eyes found mine when I blurted out, "I can't reach the bottom."

A muscular short man dove in immediately and replaced me. I quickly swam away from the line and found my way to the dock. I sat on the dock crestfallen. Words filled my head, "Pussy! I can't even reach the bottom! I'm so fat! I'm a LOSER!"

After the water drill ended, I had wandered to my cabin, found my bed, and cried, cried away. My friends tried to comfort me, but there was nothing they could really do. One good friend, Jess tried to explain, "Jackie, when you're in that situation, the adrenaline is going to kick in and you'll do it no matter what you think. Trust me, I experienced this kind of situation very recently." She bent over my bed, and whispered into my ear, "You have to trust me." At the time, I didn't understand what she meant about adrenaline, but now I have a better understanding. The next day, I switched over to the shallow-team in fear of reaching failure.

The training week came to an end fast and preparation was the key. Campers would be coming for their first week of summer at our camp! They were dying to get in and have fun! We had to be ready. We counselors were excited to find out who our "co" or co-worker would be that week. Every week, one junior and senior counselor are paired in a cabin. Each cabin has about 10 campers on average.

I secretly wanted Molly or Jess to be my "co," but I tried to abolish these feelings and be content with whoever I got. I was paired up with Stephanie. I was not entirely excited as she reminded me of a loud, obnoxious counselor. I kept my head up high and smiled regardless. For the week after, I was paired up with Stephanie as well. We proved to be a good team. She listened to me and I listened to her. At times, she could be moody and well overly sarcastic, but I tried to ignore her.

I was apart of the "Campfire Committee." We would be putting on our first campfire!! Molly, several guys, and other girls were apart of this committee as well. For the beginning weeks, Molly and I had drifted from training week and well did not talk much. That all stopped when one of the guys suggested the third week on opening day, "Hey Jackie, why don't you and Molly do the Opening Campfire this week? The other guys and I have duties when it comes to setting up the fire and horses. It would be awesome if you could."

I was psyched and nervous all at once! "Good idea! I will totally ask Molly and see if she's cool with it. Thank you!" I left smiling.

When I finally did ask Molly, she was excited too. I did not even expect her to be excited, but she was! This was a chance for me to get away from my many campers and to spend time with her! After dinner that day, we went down to the "drama closet" and hand-picked many of the amazing clothes Goodwill had so graciously provided at one time or another. These outfits were bizarre and random!

During Opening Campfire, counselors perform dozens of different skits. As part of the "Campfire Committee," our job is to introduce them – be the Masters of Ceremonies. Sometimes it was challenging to find a connection, while other times it was really easy. Well, Molly and I did a kick-ass job our first time. We had chemistry together and we didn't even know it!

We did scenarios from acting like old ladies – to country hickish gals – to her being a woman and I, a man. She was totally flexible, funny, and crazy like me! At one point, I remember wearing incredibly tight pink shorts on stage! The kids loved that one!!

After our first night, we were asked to perform at all other Opening Campfires the rest of the summer! We were incredibly honored and delighted! This made my week so much! Random kids would come up and congratulate us! Even the counselors loved our acts. I could not have been happier.

What I loved most about those Opening Campfires was spending time with Molly. This is when our friendship finally developed. We would gather our crazy outfits, walk or sometimes drive a golf cart down to the campfire ring which was about a half-mile away from the general area of camp. We had to leave early to get prepared. This was our time to talk, to get to know each other, and to share what was on our minds.

The campfires were always at dusk and sometimes later. This was the time when I was probably really happy - being out in the woods, with the sounds of crickets or frogs croaking, talking to the one and only Molly. So, you think by this time I would have acknowledged the fact that I had feelings for Molly? I totally did! Yes! But I could not accept the feelings I had or well even the fact that I even had feelings for a girl.

Some of the "new staff" the administration hired were incredibly religious...putting much emphasis on the Bible. At the beginning of the summer, they became aggravated when we sang religious camp songs! How dare we! They eventually got comfortable with this radical practice...Ha. Kids cannot live without songs! Anyway, I think they won by integrating the never-ending praying policy. Before breakfast, the kids easily prayed like five times. That's enough to make you hungry! Anyway, these signals were enough to know what they thought about homosexuals.

Living along the "Bible Belt" did not help me either. I had a lot going on in the summer – take care of the kids, High Ropes activities, cleaning, dish duty, and well care for myself as well. I did not have a whole lot of time to assess this part of myself or even begin to comprehend it. All these feelings just kind of lived on in me and I kept going – kind of putting them off to deal with at another time. I think, subconsciously, I knew it was neither the time nor the place (especially around such people) to begin to comprehend what I was going through.

Molly started to date an international camp counselor from England that worked with us. He was smart, sweet, kind of reserved, and well a soccer player. What more could she want? He even had a similar name to mine – Jack. I'm Jackie. How much more aggravating could this get?! I already knew where she stood on the subject of homosexuals. I found that out on the first day!!

Did Molly ever notice my feelings for her? I wonder. I don't think she ever did. Yet, she still wasn't afraid to cross boundaries sometimes. One time, I was in the bathhouse, taking this gigantic crap...like I had way too may sausages that morning or something.

Anyway, the bathhouse is really nice, with separate stalls and curtains that act as doors. Well, I finally got done taking my gigantic crap, when I came out . . . and all of a sudden, this person jumps out of another stall a couple down and yells, "Boo!" It was Molly! My heart ran twice its normal pace. I cussed and covered my mouth even.

I asked her, "Damn, how long were you in there?"

She responded, "Long enough to know you took a big fucking shit."

I laughed really hard and shook my head. "You're evil sometimes."

She just smiled and laughed.

I confessed, "Wow, I feel incredibly embarrassed now. You know I take big shits." My face was actually red. That's when Molly just smothered me in one of her amazing hugs. Molly is a full-time swimmer, with long graceful legs and powerful arms. She has bulging shoulders that she hates to admit bulge! She liked to pretend that she was incredibly feminine – which she could be when she dressed up and put on makeup. At the same time, she totally had a masculine side and I digged it! She could not stand when I encouraged this side of her....ha, I realized that fast.

I remember at one point in Molly's life when she was having worries about her boyfriend. She confessed them to me first, because she told me she had not told anybody. I was honored and impressed. On one of our nightly walks over to the campfire ring, she told me that she wasn't sure where things were going towards the end of the summer. I didn't know what to tell Molly...I just listened and well tried to be there all I could. She knew my experience in relationships was incredibly limited.

During another time at camp, all the counselors were talking about boys, boys, boys. I noticed that Molly totally left the conversation and well isolated herself on the other side of the lodge. I didn't know whether to go or not. I knew she wanted to be alone, but I didn't want her to feel miserable, alone.

I followed her steps to where she was. She was sitting on a chair, on the porch, knees pulled up with her chin resting on her knees. Tears were slowly flowing out of her eyes. I stammered, "Hey Molly. Look I know you are going through a lot right know, but I want you to know I care about you and well that I love you." I could tell she didn't want to be bothered, because she was distracted and in her own world I took off my main shirt...I had a shirt on underneath, and gave it to her to wipe her tears.

After about five minutes, she returned the shirt to me and said, "Thank you." And I really meant what I said, but she had no idea to what degree I really loved her.

At the end of the summer, I realized how innocent I really was. Half of the girls that I worked with were no longer virgins, Molly included. Life had a different meaning to them than it did to me. I was the virgin, inexperienced, and well, basically clueless when it came to my sexual orientation.

Believe it or not, I suffered more when it came to Molly. On the weekends, when the campers were gone, we counselors get careless and well lazy. We don't knock, we cuss more, and we mess around a bit – more so than some others. At one point, I remember walking right into Molly's cabin while she was dressing. I honestly did not even know she was dressing, straight up. When my eyes unexpectedly fell upon her, all I could do was stare and drool. Her tanned body exemplified C breasts pushed up by an amazing black lace Victoria Secret bra and paired with lacy black boy's shorts. All of her was muscle – from thighs to back to arms. I was amazed by her beauty. Molly's blonde curly ringlets stood out along with her green dashing eyes.

Upon waking out of my reverie, I finally would apologize, "Molly, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to walk in. I didn't know you were dressing." I felt more than guilty.I would even go as far to walk around and step out of the cabin sometimes.

That's when Molly would respond, "Jackie, you're fine. Seriously, you're fine. I really don't care." That's when I would reenter or retrace my steps and guiltily observe her again. And yes, this accident happened more than once that summer.

Molly and I had similar interests. I enjoy learning about health and love staying active. Molly, as you know, was on a swimming team and participated in other sports as well. On the lake, I always used the rope ladder to swing off of or tried to go on these rings and to get to the farthest one. Each activity involved lots of arm power, in turn using my shoulders. Well, it more or less abused my shoulders, because apparently my family has bad shoulders; my shoulders weren't really built then either.

My shoulder got so bad to the point where it hurt to move it or even sleep on it sometimes. That's when Molly would offer me advice. She would absolutely stress that I shouldn't do these water activities and that I should ice it for fifteen minutes on and off once or twice daily. Sometimes, I forgot to take care of myself and she would yell the hell out of me. I loved it when she watched over like that with me! Like her little baby!

This brings me to a particular incident. Well, I think I became paranoid at some point in the summer and was basically scared that people (especially those biblical worshippers) would figure out that I had homosexual feelings. I remember being in the counselor's lounge just relaxing and getting ready to lifeguard when some other counselors came in. It was getting to be the end of the summer, so we were pretty much lax.

Molly was there, changing. She had stripped down out of her clothes to change into her swimsuit. It was easier for the swim instructors to leave their swimsuits there, rather than to hike up to the cabins and change so often. Somehow, she managed to change with just her towel; so, apparently she had gotten really good at it.

I didn't know any of this though; thus, you can imagine my reaction! I was like, "Eeeeww! Why are you changing in here? Gosh Molly!" I was giving her crap, when really I didn't mind.

I guess she got pretty annoyed and amused. So, I went to lay down on the couch that way I could give her privacy and well be respectful. More counselors had arrived in the lounge by this time and were just sitting on the other couches. Molly decided to pull one of her "cross-the-line" tricks. As far as I knew, she was naked underneath the towel. She climbed on top of my swimsuit-clad body, straddled my stomach-area, and put her weight down on me. Thus, I thought her actual pussy was on top of me! I was laughing, smiling, and trying to act disgusted all at once!

But no...turns out she did have underwear or at least her swimsuit donned on that part of her. Nonetheless, everyone started laughing at me, including Molly! I felt embarrassed, but really elated too. One funny counselor remarked, "OOoooo, Jackie really enjoyed that!" He was being sarcastic, but I think he could kind of tell to a degree. I couldn't help but laugh.

My heart beat for another that summer as well. Jess and I were co-counselors one week. (The majority of the time, I co-counseled with Steph.) I loved co-counseling with Jes! She is organized, proactive, on time, caring, and well very loving. She is perhaps one of the most loving people I have met today. I found that we made great co's – I the more outgoing, crazy, social counselor as she is the more nuturing, loving, maternal counselor. She even agreed that we did make a kick-ass pair.

Unfortunately, the administration disagreed. By the end of the summer, I grew so sick of working side-by-side with Stephanie, I requested to be switched with Jess! This may sound like a simple request, but it was big for me! Remember that first water drill challenge? This is yet another. Stephanie had grown so bitter and I guess just worn-out and cranky that summer that she had begun to bring it out on her campers. She would reply incredibly sarcastically and wittingly back that the campers believed her.

On her night-off, the campers professed their undying hate for her, to me. Little eleven and twelve year olds!! They begged me to talk to her and inform them how they felt. I ended up going to the Head Girl Counselor and informing her face-to-face. I felt horrible and like a bad friend, but I knew it had to be done. Stephanie lightened up as the weekend went on, but I could tell she was inevitably pissed at me. We didn't talk for about a week. I learned later that parents had even called and complained about her behavior.

Well, I made my request to be switched, but it was denied. I had to survive with good ol' Stephanie another week. She really had gotten more positive and less sarcastic, but it was more that I could not take it. I had endured so much already, but so many of my simple wishes were denied. I needed a positive friend, someone to compliment me and see the good in me. Stephanie and I had lost that friendship we had at the beginning of the summer and didn't make the pair we had originally made... There was a point in time when I found my good friend, Jess and confessed something utterly fragile to her. It felt right to tell her. I was pretty much depressed that week and felt really alone.