Musings and Ramblings

Hi everyone! My name is Nate, but most everyone knows me as "Barkeep". That seems to be the most commonly used salutation, until closing time. Then I get to learn all of my nicknames. When ever I meet someone new I automatically say "What'll ya have?" I've gotten a lot of funny looks from people until I tell them what I do for a living.

The interesting part of my profession is that I DO get treated as a professional. When I took my first bartending job, I had no idea that I would automatically achieve the same stature as a doctor, lawyer, or accountant, even among the members of those professions! Not only that, but on a good night I can make one-tenth of what they make without the worry of support staff, errors and omissions, or professional liability. I even helped console some of the jurors in the OJ case. They took a lot of consoling. As most professional barkeeps know, the most closely related profession is lay-psychiatrist, followed closely by detective. I've always thought that experienced barkeeps should automatically be accepted as inspectors for the Department of Weights and Measures, but our bosses made a pretty good argument that we did not really know what and ounce was.

As many of you know, we often are called upon for advice during the performance of our duties but there seems to be a lack of comprehension among many of our clientele because we schedule many repeat consultations, some almost daily. The nature of our product and it's affect on that comprehension guarantees frequent visits to our oracle. The unfortunate thing about our profession is that we are now required to be licensed in many states and can be held responsible for over serving. This is a difficult call, because it is not just a measure of quantity (as the regulations say), but also the level of reverie, remorse, anger, or depression. By the way, the bar business is considered by most economists as one of the most recession proof, and I'm convinced that the state governments finally figured this out and started to regulate as a way of exerting control over yet another legal vice. What they failed to realize is that they managed to reduce a substantial amount of tax revenues in the process, but we know that politicians are not particularly bright anyway. Each personality, being individuals, reacts differently also. Some become extremely amorous, some are totally dumbfounded (we get a lot of blank stares), and some very nice people become belligerent or flat out mean. While going to college my most brilliant professor told me that if I truly wanted to understand human nature and have a leg up in the business world, get a bartending job for awhile.

Well, I never went back to college. I did ply my trade all over the western United States until I realized that Nevada was the Promised Land. Now how can you argue with a state that understands human nature so well that gambling and prostitution is legal throughout most of the state. Their politicians are smart too, because they passed laws to ensure the public safety (regular medical check ups for working girls), and they taxed the receipts. This adds to the public coffers immensely and allows many public services to be funded without the state going into the red. They also did a great job of promoting the establishments as destination resorts where everyone wants to go with the full expectation of losing at least two to five thousand dollars in a weekend. Don't ya just love it?

What I don't quite understand is why there would be a slut in Nevada, unless you're a very bad slut, because you could get all the cock you want and make great money at it. Why just give it away? I failed to inform you that I did make enough money bartending that I bought a whorehouse. Most of my girls are putting themselves through college or are housewives looking to help achieve the American Dream as quickly as possible. I can get top quality because I can recruit nationally. I suddenly realized that's why there are sluts in Nevada, THEY CAN'T MAKE THE GRADE!!

Yes, I'm married. I have a beautiful wife I met in Los Angeles. We met at a friend's house in Bel Aire. She was intrigued because when she asked me what I did for a living I said that I'd just bought a whorehouse. How's that for an opening line? Problem is it wasn't an opening line. Simone is an interior decorator and immediately asked me if I was going to remodel. Of course it started as a working relationship, but I guess she decided that I was so honest about what I did for a living that I might be someone she could trust. I told her that business is business but home is home and never the twain shall meet. The up side is that she knew she had to be my personal whore, but she also knows that I love her and respect her. We are past the point of having children, but travel is what we really want to do. Her kids are grown and I never had any (and I know that for certain).

Simone and I have just formed a Nevada Corporation for a private offering to our friends throughout the US and abroad for a destination resort with services offered to both genders. No gays or lesbians. We figured we would leave that for someone else to offer. We want our guests to be totally relaxed and comfortable and figured a separation would probably be optimal. No swapping also, you can do that at a regular hotel or resort. All stock was sold within forty-eight hours and ground breaking will be in two months. We haven't decided what the uniform will be for the primary service staff though, so suggestions would be welcomed.

Remember to respect your barkeep.