My Amorous Adventures with Saucy Wenches

My Amorous Adventures with Saucy Wenches

Read and relish in my exploits, O my fellow seekers of merriment. Think not that the pursuit of pleasure is vain. On the contrary, the pursuit of pleasure is a most serious enterprise -- For, if more men followed my example, and valued pure and wanton lust more highly than lust for power, land, religious dominance, and designs to control the lives of others, then the world would be the better for it!

TALE THE FIRST
A PRIZE SALAMI

The Duke of Love welcomes you to his castle! Mayhaps you have heard of me? Even now, the ladies in waiting at the courts in Madrid and London write of me in their diaries with bated breath and yearn for my swift return to their bed chambers.

For our first merry tale, I must ensure that you are acquainted with the comely aspects of a fine cut of salami, a most peculiar delicacy of Middle Eastern origin. It is shaped like a long round tuber and exudes a fine, strong-smelling lubricant whose taste is likewise vehement yet pleasing to those of manly disposition. Now, let me begin.

On the fourth of January, in the bitter cold, I found myself approaching the stately mansion of the dowager, Elizabeth of Maple Leaf. I had befriended her via those all-too-mysterious communications made possible by this wonderful thing known to the moderns as the Internet. She had, at long last, invited me to visit her large home and to partake of the delights she had to offer. Only because she promised to ply me with fine drink and extravagant foods did I agree to undertake the journey; but I must confess that the most profound regret arose within my bosom when I beheld her, for mine eyes could do naught save take into account her many wrinkles, her pasty, anemic complexion, and her fluffy wig (which, indeed, was obvious, immense, absurd and completely horrible).

No sooner was I past the front door than I sought to invent ways by which to excuse myself from my incredible error in judgment. How much wine must I have consumed, before agreeing to service this wanton Paphian? Meanwhile, she was instantly having ideas of her own, for as I was trying to feign illness, she was disrobing and beckoning me to the divan. Utterly driven mad by the seeming hopelessness of my predicament, I ran at full pace up the stairway. "What shall I do, " I thought to myself? Halfway up the stairs, I began to look for an appropriate doorway, thinking to lock myself inside a room. Yet, when I reached the upper floor, I stood transfixed and frozen by a vision of divine loveliness -- for there, in flowing and sheer laces, stood a young blonde girl, who appeared to be about 20 years of age. She put her finger to her lips to request my silence, whereupon she led me to her chamber. And there I passed the night, oblivious to the shrieks from the elderly lady which emanated from outside the bolted door.

And where does the salami come into play? That I shall reveal when next I set my quill to the parchment.

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In the morning, I discovered there was no way to leave the room except by the doorway where the dowager lay in wait, doubtless with murderous intentions. I had refused her advances and deflowered her niece - both insults of momentous proportion. Relying upon those charms wherewith I was endowed by Providence, I called to her: "My Dear Lady. Please forgive me. As I was trying to say, I fell very ill last night, with a sudden malady that swiftly overcame my senses. I was urgently seeking your wash room when your kind niece helped me to rest and, like a guardian angel, tended to my fever all night. Forsooth, I am certain you heard my cries, as well as her cries of concern for my bodily welfare. However, I am now feeling much better. If you would be so kind as to send up food to fortify me, and if you will allow her to continue my care, I vouch that, by nightfall, I will be so far well as to attend your wishes."

This speech seemed to placate the lustful biddy and soon my nubile lover and I were surrounded by plates of exotic and delicious viands: olives, deviled eggs, caviar, grapes, wild boar, smoked grouse, and grilled duck breast. Thankfully, our food was brought in by the servants and not by my revolting patroness. I trusted she was asleep, made tired by her night of pacing and screaming outside the doorway.

After taking my fill, again and again, of the food (and of the niece), I prepared to sneak away, which had been my plan. Alas, I discovered that the black-hearted gorgon now held me prisoner, for she had stationed armed guards in the halls, with instructions to prevent me from leaving. I began to despair, for the hour was late in the afternoon, and I was overcome with a most unholy and unappealing apparition: that part of me which I most cherished caught in such a dry lock as I could scarcely imagine. My eyes darted hastily about the room in search of any means to save myself. Once again I was approaching that peculiar desperation which has caused me to leap from roofs and windows, to jump from cliffs into raging waters, and to run naked through fields of brambles, all in order to escape a worse fate. Should I take the paring knife and use it to combat the three armed guards? Should I cast the cottage cheese at their feet and run, hoping they would slip and fall, thus enabling me to successfully flee?

At long last my eyes fixed upon a long salami on one of the silver trays and my brain began to whirl with devious ambitions. Anon my captress arrived at the door. It was apparent she was not going to risk my relocation to another room as she announced her entry. My new lover, her niece, knew of my plans and blew out the lantern on her way out the door. The dowager protested, but I convinced her that I always preferred to make love in extreme darkness. I also warned her of my profound enormity and exhorted her that she should brace herself accordingly. As she lay back in breathless anticipation, I approached her. Owing to the dark, she could not see that I had not removed so much as one stitch of my clothing.

Then, she screamed (though I daresay not with ecstasy) as, inside her, and then in-and-out, I delicately pushed and prodded and poked with my huge, wide, long SALAMI. In short order, I became forceful and my manipulations of the salami had satiated her, or else compelled her to crave surcease. Verily, methinks it was well less than a minute before she thunderously cried out, "Nay, no more, Good Sir! Prithee! You are too much for me! I cannot endure your manhood!" As she lay there, stunned, aching, swooning and voiceless in the night, I quickly left the room and took my leave. The guards in the hallway stood aside, in awe of my prowess.

So ends the first adventure of the Duke of Love.