My Life's Playlist Ch. 06

Sorry for the brief post. Both organizations mentioned in this part of the story are organizations worthy of your support. Drop me an e-mail if you'd like more information. As always, comments, criticisms and votes appreciated. WHB

Song 14

Eternal Father, Strong to save,
Whose arm hath bound the restless wave,
Who bid'st the mighty Ocean deep
Its own appointed limits keep;
O hear us when we cry to thee,
for those in peril on the sea.

"Royal Naval Hymn"- Rev. William Whiting

The refrain of the "Royal Naval Hymn" was still playing in my head as I sat at the gate, waiting for my British Airways flight to leave Heathrow and take me back home to Alexandria. I was exhausted, both physically and mentally from the events of the last month. I missed my friends, I missed my students, I missed my roommate, and I missed my cat. I was sick of dealing with tax agents, lawyers and accountants on both sides of the Atlantic and with real estate brokers in London and Cotswold. I wanted my old life back, but I knew that was going to be impossible. The best I could hope for was to sort out the best pieces of the old, and try to reassemble them into some type of workable new life.

My flight began to board. I heaved a "big momma sigh", gathered my bags and found my seat. It was an overnight flight, and since the beginning of February is not the month most people think of as a great time to visit London my flight to Dulles was fairly empty. My seat was in the very last row of First Class, and as the only other passengers were seated at the very front, I was assured relative privacy to do what I really wanted to do. For the past month, I had let my father's English side rule and been the model of stoicism, not crying at any of the memorial services, as I cleaned out the house and flat, or as I wrote the hundreds of thank you notes for the kindness that people had shown to me. My upper lip was tired of being kept stiff, and I was going to allow my mother's Irish blood to come through and have the good long cry I'd been promising myself. After we took off, the flight attendant came by to see if I need anything, and I think she was afraid she had a crazy person on her hands.

"Miss Rhys-Hall, is there anything I can get you? Is there something wrong?" she asked frowning.

"I'm fine," I replied though the tears were coming hard and fast down my cheeks. "It's been a long month, and I'm just really tired."

"You should try to sleep then. Here is a blanket and pillow, and I'll be back with a bottle of water. Are you sure there isn't anything else I can do?"

"No, but thank you for your concern."

"Please let me know if you need anything," she replied.

I snuggled up in my blanket, took a sip of the water, and continued to allow myself the luxury of a good cry. My tears started to dry about the time we were half way home, and I fell into an uneasy sleep. In my dreams I again relived the night that had given me so much pleasure and so much pain.

I came down the stairs and in front of me were two police officers. Tor wrapped his arm around me as the older of the two officers looked at me and asked "Are you Phillipa Rhys-Hall?"

"Yes," I answered shakily. "Something has happened to my parents, hasn't it?"

"I'm so sorry to have to inform you but your parents were in an accident tonight. We need you to look at this picture and identify them." He held up a picture of my Dad's beloved MG twisted into a small piece of metal. Beside the car were my parents, lying so peacefully, covered in white sheets. Only their faces were visible, and I noticed their hair was wet.

"Yes that is my father's car, and those are my parents," I replied. "What happened?"

"They were driving over the bridge between Nags Head and Manteo when a drunk driver ran them off the bridge into the water. We believe they were dead before they hit the water from the impact of the crash, so they didn't suffer. The sheriff's office in Manteo wants you to call in the morning. Again I am so sorry to bring you this news. You'll stay with her?" He asked Tor.

"Of course," he replied. "Thank you for coming out to tell us in person."

"Yes thank you," I mimicked, my etiquette training kicking in. "Happy New Year".

They both looked at me as if I'd lost my mind, but wished us the same as Tor closed the door.

"Kärlek, I am so sorry," he said as he started to wrap his arms around me.

"Don't touch me," I whispered, taking a step away from him. He dropped the arm he already had around me. "If you touch me I'm going to fall apart, and I won't be able to do what I need to do. It's late, and you need to get some sleep. Why don't you go to bed, and I'll be up soon."

"Are you sure you want me to stay?" He asked.

"Very," I replied. I stood on my tip-toes and kissed his cheek.

He leaned down and pressed a kiss on my forehead. "I don't sleep well without you karesto, so don't wait too long."

He snapped his fingers for Axel and headed up to bed. I moved to the living room, grabbed my laptop, and sat on the couch wrapped in the blanket that we had used earlier. My go to strategy when I felt overwhelmed was list making. By writing everything I need to do down, I could check them off and see the progress I was making. It's like the old riddle, how do you eat an entire elephant? One bite at a time. And that's how I was going to be able to function over the next several weeks. I'd write my to do list, and every morning I'd have a little less to do. It also meant I wouldn't overlook anything that needed to be done. After an hour I had written over 100 tasks big and small that needed to be accomplished, and highlighted the ones that absolutely had to be done today. It was too early to call anyone, so I decided to go upstairs and at least pretend to sleep for a few hours.

When I got upstairs I found Axel was asleep on my side of the bed, with Tor asleep on his. I convinced the beast to move, and crawled under the covers to the spot he had pre-warmed for me. I rolled onto my side towards Tor, and he pulled me towards him, settling me against him, my head on his chest.

"What can I do to help you karlek?" He whispered stroking my hair.

"Just what you're doing now. Go back to sleep." He did, and I lay quietly within his strength, watching the light turn from black to gray as dawn approached. Finally I closed my eyes and tried to push all thoughts of the coming days from my head.

The light was full yellow when I awoke New Year's Day. I glanced at the clock and saw it was 8:00. I heard my shower running and realized that Tor would need to leave soon to go to the game. I stretched, and the realization hit me like a punch to the gut. My parents were gone, and I was truly an orphan. I had so much to do, and so I made the first of what I knew would be a difficult set of phone calls.

"Good morning Aunt Pippa," a small voice said. "Happy New Year! I got to stay up until midnight, but I fell asleep before the ball dropped. Are you excited about the game today?"

"Happy New Year to you poppet. Is your mommy or daddy up yet?" I asked, trying to keep my voice light.

"Yep. Daddy, it's Aunt Pippa," he yelled across the house. If Angie and Ted weren't up before then, they would be now.

"Hang up Theo. Happy New Year Pippa. What has you calling so early?"

"Ted," I stuttered. "Mummy and Daddy were killed by a drunk driver last night. I can't go to the game today, so I called to tell you Tor will leave the tickets at the will call window. Enjoy the game, and I'll call you as soon as I know more details." I hung up before I could start crying. Okay, I could check the first thing off my list. I knew that Ted would take care of letting people at school know, so I went downstairs to the computer and sent out a quick e-mail to my colleagues giving them what little information I had, and promising to update them as soon as possible. Task two down. Knowing that Annie and Ian had probably had a late evening I sent her a text, explaining what had happened and letting her know I'd update her as soon as I could. I also told her not to come home early, because that would just make me feel worse. I was on a roll, and with the first three tasks accomplished I knew I only had ninety-seven more.

I heard the shower turn off upstairs so I proceeded to start the coffee pot and make some toast. Tor and Axel came into the kitchen so I turned off the alarm so I could let Axel out. I made my way back to the kitchen. Tor was sitting at the table, putting his socks and shoes on. I brushed a kiss on his cheek, and handed him his breakfast. I turned away before he could put his hands on me, and headed towards the stairs saying "I'm going to go get the tickets for today's game. Could you leave them at will call for Ted?"

"Of course karesto. Would you like me to skip the game and stay here with you? I know Coach would understand."

I stopped for a moment. I couldn't turn around and look at him, because if I did I was afraid I'd lose all my carefully stored up self-control. I still had so many things to do, and I would need a stiff upper lip to accomplish them. While there was nothing I would've liked to do more than sit howling in his arms, I knew I couldn't be so self-indulgent, so I replied "Thanks for offering, but I think we need to keep things as normal as possible. Besides, when will you ever get the chance to play in a game like this again? I promise I'll watch it on TV."

I went upstairs and got the tickets from my desk. I took a deep breath and met him at the front door as he prepared to leave for the game. He pulled me into his arms and I allowed myself to sink into the warmth of his chest. I pulled his head down and gave him a heartfelt kiss. He returned it and we both felt a little breathless when we pulled apart.

"Play well, love. I'll see you after the game." I said with a smile.

"I love you, and I'll be home as soon as I can."

"I love you too, now go or you'll be late," I said pushing him out the door and closing it behind him with a sigh. I went up the stairs to get ready to face the rest of the day. I thought I was doing well, until I stepped into the shower. The sorrow snuck up on me, and the next think I knew I was sitting on the cold tile, sobbing while the water pounded on my back. After about five minutes I was able to regain my composure and finished my shower. I got out and dressed in my comfy sweats. I went downstairs to let Axel back in and fixed a tray of tea and toast to take up to my room. Sitting at my desk, composing the e-mail to my parents' friends, I made a few resolutions of my own.

1. I would allow myself to cry in the shower for no more than 5 minutes each day. That would be the only crying I would do, because a good WASP doesn't cry in public.
   2. I would conduct myself at all times in a way that would make my parents and grandmothers proud.
      3. I would deal with this on my own, without any help from others. If I accepted help I might break down, and that would never do.

      After sending the e-mail, I called the sheriff's office in Manteo and found out they would be releasing my parents bodies that afternoon. I gave them the name of the local funeral home I wanted to use. Lucky for me, my parents and I had discussed the details of what they wanted to happen when they died, so I didn't have to wonder if I was doing something they wouldn't have wanted done. I called the funeral home and set up an appointment for the next afternoon to finalize the arrangements they would be taking care of. I called Mikey and shared the news with him. He and I arranged to meet the next morning for breakfast to arrange the memorial service here in town.

      "Would you call Father Dwyer at St. Andrew's by the Sea in Nags Head to let him know about my parents and to let him know I'll call tomorrow afternoon to set up a memorial there?" I asked.

      "I'll be glad to do that for you Pippa. Please know you'll be in my prayers. God works in mysterious ways, but sometimes even I don't understand why he does what he does."

      "Thanks Mikey. Give my love to Lee and the girls. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

      "Will do. See you at 8:00. Bye Pip."

      "Bye Mikey."

      The rest of the day went by in a blur. I kept my promise to Tor and turned the game on, but I honestly couldn't begin to tell you any details of it. Since it was a holiday, there were a lot of practical details I couldn't do until tomorrow, so I spent most of the day dealing with things I could. I talked to Morgan, and after we performed our choreographed roles in the southern dance of mourning, I told him that I would probably need to take off the next month to handle everything on both sides of the Atlantic.

      "Take all the time you need, Pippa. Your job will be here when you get back. Do you need me to arrange a sub for you?" He inquired.

      "No, I've already talked to Jack Meeks, and he has agreed to do the entire time for me. I'll get Ted to take the stuff for midterms and for the next unit. I'll touch base with Jack and send him whatever else he needs on a week to week basis. I'm taking my laptop, and it has a copy of all my school files. I do have one favor to ask of you though."

      "Anything."

      "Would you please consider singing the Naval Hymn at the memorial services here and at the beach? I know that my parents both loved to hear you sing, and it would mean so much to me." I had to take a big swallow of water, but I kept my promise from the morning and didn't cry.

      "I'd consider it an honor," he replied.

      I told him I'd give his number to both of the organists, and have them get in touch so he could set up a time to meet with them to rehearse in the two churches. I got out my prayer book and chose the readings and hymns for the services. My parents wanted to be cremated, with their ashes scattered in the Atlantic. The scattering part would have to wait for warmer spring weather. They wanted to have memorial services in Alexandria, Nags Head, and London. I decided for simplicity's sake I would just repeat the same service three times. I got online and booked my ticket to London leaving the next Monday, with a return for February 2^nd.

      I was in the middle of putting together lesson plans when I heard the door open and close. I glanced at the clock and realized it was already 5:00. Tor called up and I told him I would meet him in the kitchen in a few minutes. Axel and Beau got up from their nap on Axel's bed, and headed down the stairs to great their lord and master. Swedish words of greetings rumbled up the stairs, and I heard the three of them head for the back of the house for their daily romp in the backyard, man and dog wrestling, cat just perched on the patio table above the fray, until it came close enough for him to stick out his front paw and remind Axel exactly who was the real master here. I stretched and heard my stomach growl, reminding that I hadn't eaten since that morning. Mary had been by earlier to drop by a crock of Taco Soup, with the accompanying fixings, so I went into the kitchen to reheat it for supper. I pulled out salad fixings and when Tor came in with the animals I had dinner ready and on the table. As he washed up, I went to stand behind him and wrap my arms around his waist. He turned, scooped me up and plopped me on the counter so we could see eye to eye. He cupped my face and rested his forehead against mine.

      "How are you holding up?"

      "Fine," I lied pulling away.

      My stomach rumbled again, so I jumped off the counter and pulled Tor toward the table. We sat and I played with my soup, while Tor enjoyed two bowls. We discussed the day's game, and his upcoming road trip.

      "I'm not sure what my schedule looks like this week, so you may want to put Axel in doggy jail while you're gone."

      "Ok."

      I got up and started to clear the table. Tor caught my wrist and told me that he would do the dishes. I decided to do a little "hydrotherapy", so I went upstairs and ran a bath, adding some lavender bubbles. I sighed as I lay back, resting my head on the edge of the tub, closing my eyes. The strain of the day started to catch up with me and I felt like I'd been awake for a hundred hours. I'm not sure how long I'd been soaking when I felt myself being lifted out of the tub and wrapped into a thick towel. I was so tired, I didn't even open my eyes as Tor pulled one of his t-shirts over my head and carried me to bed. He took off his clothes, turned off the lights and slipped into the bed next to me, pulling the covers up over us and pulling me to his side.

      "Sova nu mitt härliga litte en," he whispered against the top of my head. "Sleep now my lovely little one," he translated, and amazingly enough that's what I did.

      For awhile, anyhow.

      "Pippa, wake up karesto. You're having a bad dream."

      I realized I was sitting up, breathing heavily, while pieces of the dream replayed in my head. It was my very own personal disaster movie, complete with heroes, villains, a messy accident and the loss of beloved parents. Add in a small helping of guilt that I quickly pushed aside, and I decided it was time to go to the bathroom and get a drink of water. I pulled myself out of Tor's arms and did just that.

      Don't' cry, don't cry, don't cry I kept telling myself as I crawled back up to bed. I rolled to my side to face him, reaching out to trace his face.

      "I know this sounds crazy, but I want you to make love with me."

      Without saying a word, that is what he proceeded to do. For the next little while I didn't have to think, or speak, I could just move and feel. It was tender and bittersweet, almost as if I knew that it might be the last time. As I came apart trembling from the force of my feelings, he was there with me, whispering soothing nonsense in my ear. When I stop trembling he rolled us both to our sides and continued rubbing my arms to help sooth me back to sleep.

      For the next month I felt like I was starring in the movie Groundhog Day. You know the one, where Bill Murray's character has to repeat the same day over and over again until he does everything right? Every morning I got up, had my five minute shower cry, got dressed, and checked items off my list. Three different times I stood on the front steps of three different churches and received friends before the service started. Three different times I listened as three different priests processed down the aisle behind the acolytes intoning 'I am the resurrection and the life,' saith the Lord; 'he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: and whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Three different times I stood in three different Parish Halls greeting friends, sipping endless cups of tea or glasses of wine, delicately nibbling on tiny sandwiches or cookies.

      I started the estate filings in both countries. I put my Grandmother's house in the Cotswold's and her flat in London up for sale. I tagged the pieces I wanted shipped the States and had an estate auction for the rest. I carried letters and family documents with me on the plane, not trusting them to make it back through any hands but my own. I closed bank accounts, paid bills, and set up memorial funds for both the Naval Relief Society in my Mum's honor and Share our Strength in Dad's honor. I figured I would tackle their house over Spring Break, and hopefully have everything settled before Summer Vacation.

      The voice of the flight attendant announcing our coming arrival at Dulles woke me from my light sleep. At the arrivals area I saw my favorite man running towards me, his arms wide open, waiting for my embrace.

      "Aunt Pippa, Aunt Pippa, you're finally home!" shrieked Theo, almost knocking me over with his enthusiastic hug.

      "Let Aunt Pippa go Theo. Here let me take your cart. Ted's circling with the car, so we can jump right in and get you home. You look exhausted."