My Life's Playlist Ch. 07

As always, thank you for the vote and support. I promise the next chapter is on its way!WHB

And though you try to justify the meaning
Of the note you sent this evening to my door
You're not deceiving me
Well, I'd have thought that you'd have known much better
Sending 'round an unsigned letter
Facing me would be much better now

Is it just that you can't face the future with me
Can't you tell me to my face
You just took the coward's way to say goodbye
How would you feel here in my place

Tell me to my face you're leaving now

"Tell me to my Face"-Dan Fogelberg

I was home. Beau met me at the door with a lick of my ankle and a meow for water. I could smell the wood smoke of the fire and the lemon furniture polish Annie and I used. The aroma of coffee and murmur of conversation drifted from the kitchen so I dropped my suitcases at the bottom of the stairs and headed that way. I made it as far as the den when suddenly I was literately swept off my feet into an enormous bear hug.

"Pipsqueak, you're home!" shouted Ian. I wasn't sure what I'd done to deserve this kind of attention from him, but it was a nice way to be welcomed.

"Put Pipster down so I can get my hug." Annie gave me a gentle hug and closely examined my face. "I like the new haircut, but you still look tired."

"Nothing a hot shower and a cup of coffee can't solve," I grabbed a cup from the kitchen and poured some from the pot on the counter. As I headed towards the stair, Ian dropped a kiss on Annie's cheek.

"I'm scheduled in the OR today, so I'm headed out. Let me bring your stuff up for you."

"Thanks."

"I'm just glad you're home. Annie's been worried, and now that you're back she can concentrate on me," he laughed.

"Glad to see you haven't changed a bit. You are the original Marcia," I replied.

"Marcia?"

"You know, fromThe Brady Bunch.Jan always whined Marcia, Marcia, Marcia it's always about Marcia. Annie and I use it as a verb when one or the other of us needs all the attention in a conversation. We also use it as an adjective, as in Ian is very Marcia, it's always about him."

"I'm hurt to the core Pipsqueak. Seriously, I'm glad you're home. Let me know if you need anything at all." He punched my arm as he left my room, shutting the door behind him.

I took a scalding hot shower and several sips of my coffee. Both served to help me catch my second wind. My new short haircut meant a quick brushing and I was ready to put on my most comfy sweats. I glanced at the basket full of mail Annie had placed on my desk, but I decided I would deal with it tomorrow. Yep, Miss O'Hara was definitely alive and well and living in Alexandria. I went downstairs to have more coffee and a long needed chat with my best friend. We had barely spent 10 minutes together since the New Year, and we owed each other the type of no bullshit conversation that only really good friends can have.

"So Pipster, how are you really holding up?" She asked, pouring me another cup of coffee. I was grateful, since let's face it; England is not the best place in the world to get a cup of coffee.

"I'm really doing okay. I think it's the whole forward momentum thing. I'm taking Dory's advice fromFinding Nemo;I'm going to just keep swimming. I am glad that tomorrow is Sunday, so I've got one more day to recover before I face my poppets."

"So, why the haircut? Not that I don't love it, but I thought you'd never get it cut that short. Kinda a radical move, don't you think?"

"Nah, I just felt like I needed a big girl haircut if I was going to be facing big girl responsibilities. Leslie's been bugging me to do it, so when I went to her before I left, I told her to cut it short."

We talked of this and that, and just as I was beginning to think I'd dodge the whole what happened with Tor question, she put down her coffee cup and put on her serious discussion face.

Skit.

"So what happened between you and the wall? I thought you guys were in it for the long haul. Did he develop a sudden case of you suck?"

"That's a sudden case of inhales vigorously. You know I hate the word suck, and no he didn't. He was still caring, kind, loving, considerate, and thoughtful."

"You make him sound like a boy scout or a golden retriever Pip. Let's not forget the one of his most important qualities."

"The fact he was the one person who was finally able to help me learn a second language?"

"No, idiot girl. The fact that from what I could tell from the noises in your bedroom he was a great...."

"Don't say another word, Annie. I get your drift and I refuse to answer that question on the grounds I might make you extremely jealous. Let's just say that was not an area we had a problem with."

"So seriously Pip, what happened?"

"You know the fight or flight reaction when an animal thinks they are in danger?"

"Yes."

"Well I picked a fight and hopped a flight."

"I figured it had to be something like that. So do you think you made a little mistake?"

"No, I think I made a huge mistake, but one I truly am going to try and rectify. It was probably one of the stupidest things I've done in my life, and let's face it; I've done some really stupid things!"

"Like our senior year of high school when you got us all to set wind up alarm clocks to go off at the same time and put them in our lockers?"

"Stupider."

"Or the time we got drunk on wine coolers and rolled Ms. Baldwin's house and got caught?

"Even stupider," I sighed. "This is a two cup story, so you might want to use the little doctor's room while I get us a snack and make a fresh pot."

Annie came back and I sat a plate of cheese, grapes, and the tin of shortbread I'd dragged home from Harrods between us on the couch. I then proceeded to school her on the five easy steps to make sure you lose a guy in less than ten days.

Step 1 – When he asked you a question about something, give him the answer you think he wants to hear, not the one in your heart. Are you okay should always be answered yes of course I am. Of course not is the only answer to should I take time off to go to your parents memorials with you. The most important part of this step is to get mad when he responds to the answers you give him, not on the ones you don't.

Step 2 – Ignore all of the lovely, unspoken gestures he makes. Fail to comment on the breathtaking arrangement that arrives at your beach place, each flower chosen to convey a specific meaning; purple hyacinths for sorrow, jonquils for sympathy, peonies for compassion, and snow drops for hope and consolation. Don't mention the fact he makes sure you remember to eat and sleep. Forget the fact he arranges for a cleaning service to come in and clean your house in Alexandria and the beach so it's one less thing for you to worry about. So he packs your carry-on for the trip to London with your favorite chocolates and Cheetos, a few novels you've been dying to read, trashy mindless magazines, a small bottle of lavender hand lotion, and a new cashmere throw so you don't get could on the trip. Not a big deal, doesn't necessarily show he cares.

Step 3 – Pick a fight with your beloved about some nominal thing that has absolutely nothing to do with the real reason you are angry and the real person you're angry with. Yell because he leaves his clothes in the middle of the bathroom floor and you are so damn sick and tired of cleaning up after him. Tell him you have too many other things to do besides pick up after him. Discount the look of pain on his face as you tell him to just go to his own house for the night, you don't need him underfoot. Slam the bedroom door after he walks out, and burst into tears of guilt because you finally figured out that if you hadn't allowed yourself to fall in love and be happy you would have been with your parents on New Year's Eve, and they would not have been heading to a party in Manteo. Pay no mind to the fact that the last words spoken between you and your Mum were hurtful on both sides, and you never got a chance to apologize or tell either of them how much you loved them.

Step 4- Run to another state, or better yet head for another country while you deal with the blinding flash of awareness that your parents' accident is ALL YOUR FAULT. Ignore his phone calls and texts. Don't answer the door if he comes over, even if you know he must be exhausted from trying to maintain a professional hockey career while dealing with your craziness.

Step 5 – This is the crucial step if you really want to lose him. On your way out of the country stop by his house and leave a note. I found this one to be quite effective:

Dear Tor,

I'm heading for London tonight. The time we spent together was lovely,

but I've come to the realization that I don't truly love you, just the idea

of you. I'm sorry if I've hurt you, and I wish you all the best in the future.

Fondly,

Pippa

PS - I've left your things in a box on my bed. After you come to get them you

can just lock up and slip the key into the mail slot.

"I have only three things to say Pipster. First, you're right, this is the stupidest thing you've done bar none."

"Told you so."

"Two, you realize the accident was not your fault. If anyone is to blame it's the guy who had too much to drink and decided it was a good idea to drive in the first place. I know you and I don't talk much about religion and stuff, but I truly believe there is some greater purpose in this. We may never know what it is, but you'd have to have an awfully big ego to think that you can control the universe. Your classroom possibly, the decisions you make, absolutely, but not the universe."

"I know in my heart you're right Annie, but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it. I did decide that I'm going to see if Harrison can recommend someone for me to talk to about this."

(Harrison was the ultimate stoner dude in our high school class, but he ended up being a much respected counselor, and taught sociology at George Washington. Who'd of thunk it?)

Three, liar liar pants on fire!"

"About what?"

"Come on Pippa, I'm calling bullshit on you, just admit you love him. I've known you for a really long time, and I've never seen you so happy. Tor allowed you to be yourself, the klutzy, sarcastic, passionate Phillipa we all know and love. You never had to pretend with him. More importantly he loves you as much as you love him. I can't believe you wrote that note."

"I know, neither can I. They say you shouldn't do anything big in your life for a year after you suffer a loss. Guess I blew that one."

"What now?"

"Now we plan operation get Tor back. I just hope it's not too late."