I first became aware of my submissive personality around the same time I first fell in love. It's hard to tell which came first—neither events were particularly welcomed initially—but I do know the point when the story begins.
Setting: Chemistry class during my senior year of high school. I was picking at a scab on my arm, hoping to make it bleed so I could taste my own blood, when our teacher announced the pairings for a project that was due in a month
I hated group projects. Hated how false they were. Usually, a group project in grade school meant giving the nerdiest, shyest, least understood kid all of the work to do. And dammit, that kid was always me. The socially awkward girl with the weird personality.
Part of it was by my own doing. I was a theater kid. I pretended to be weirder than I actually was. But the things that people could judge immediately were my piercings—and I'd recently gotten an eyebrow piercing—and my eccentric choice of clothes and friends.
The kids around school knew me as the awkward girl that climbed trees and wore trench coats during the hot months and treated me as such. I wasn't expecting anything different when the teacher announced that my group partner was Nina Thomas.
She was my antithesis. The kind of girl that spent hours in front of her reflection making sure every strand of hair was in place. The one you'd vote for as Prom Queen. Never the 'most likely to cure cancer' superlative in the yearbook, but always the 'most likely to be a model.'
Admittedly, if I was typecasting the pretty cheerleader in a high school musical, she'd would be my first choice, though she wasn't a cheerleader. The teacher admitted aloud that she only paired us together because of our names. Nina Simone was a favorite of hers. I guess I have Nina Simone to thank for me finding my mistress.
Me and Nina met in the library after school to briefly discuss our project. I was doing most of the talking while she looked over me as if I was an exhibit in an art museum.
"You wouldn't happen to have any ideas about a project, would you?" I asked, half-annoyed.
Her face went from confused to excited.
"Samone! I knew you looked familiar. I remember you now. You're that chick from 4th grade that ate caterpillars at recess."
Her laugh was loud enough to receive a shush from the librarian. She snickered and continued looking over me.
"You're that Samone, right?"
"It was 5th grade, actually," I corrected.
"Whatever. Damn, I didn't even know you went to this school. You look different. Kinda the same but less dull."
"Do you still eat caterpillars?" she grinned.
"Sometimes. But anyway, ideas for a science project? You have any?"
"Nope. I hate science. I'll just do whatever you decide."
Those were usually the words that usually led to me having to do everything. I was probably just annoyed at her bringing up my weirdness from elementary school, but I didn't feel like letting her walk all over me like the others had.
"We should decide something together. I don't want to be stuck with all of the work."
"Oh don't worry, girl. I won't do-ya like that. Whatever you pick though, make sure it has nothing to do with eating the variables."
"Hilarious," I commented, unmoved at her attempt at comedy.
"Hey, lighten up, Samone. We're cool," she said before checking her phone. "Look, I have to meet my boyfriend in a few. So can we finish this later?"
"Sure. Wanna meet back in the library tomorrow?"
"Nah. I'll just come to your house after school. Here's my number, text me your address."
I wasn't too excited about Nina inviting herself over, but allowed it anyway. She showed up at my door the next day with a box of pizza and a backpack, which sort of surprised me. Maybe she was ready to work.
"Nina, dad. Dad, Nina. And please don't make any jokes about Nina Simone. It's already been done," I introduced the two.
"Nina, Nina, Nina," my dad said before bypassing her handshake and giving her a long-lost-lovers hug. Nina laughed. She so wasn't expecting that type of affection.
"I forgot to warn you. My dad is sort of a weirdo," I smirked.
"I can see where you get it from," Nina smiled at me. "Does he eat bugs too?"
"Oh all of the time," my dad answered. "Ladybug Pizza. Cockroach soup."
"That's why I brought food over. Remind me to never eat here."
My dad was ready to continue the banter, and Nina seemed willing, but I put the brakes to it so we could get started on our project. I led her to my messy bedroom. She looked around and took in the things that told more of my personality. Anime Posters. Bookshelf of mystery and detective novels. Framed photos of my afropunk friends and I doing weird shit.
"Your dad seems cool," Nina said as she looked over a picture of me and him when I was a kid.
"You think so?"
"Oh yeah. What's he some kind of artist or something?"
"I think that describes him perfectly. Some sort of artist. I still have no idea what kind. He doesn't either. Pottery, paintings, poetry, he's tried it all."
"That's awesome. Don't see that many black male artist."
"Prolly because it doesn't pay for shit."
"Yeah, but money doesn't equal happiness."
I smiled. She seemed so much more intelligent and likable than I originally judged. I remembered her from elementary school, and was well aware of her in middle and high school. But I guess I had never taken the time to think that maybe there was more to her than her thin frame, perfect breast, and smooth mahogany skin.
"And what about your mom? Where's she in the picture?" she asked, after not finding any photos of her around.
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"I'm joking. She isn't dead. She's in Detroit."
"Death is funny to you?"
"A little bit."
"Asshole. So why do you stay with your dad?"
"He wanted me. She didn't."
"I feel you. I lived in a single parent home for a long time too. Until my mom remarried."
"You like your step dad?"
"Not really. But he makes my mom happy, so whatever," she paused, then looked at me hard. "Samone, aren't you a lesbian?"
"Where did that come from?"
"I'm just trying to remember things about you. I thought I remember hearing that you were into girls."
"You heard right."
She nodded. "You got a girlfriend?"
She laughed. "Damn right I am."
"So. Chemistry project. Any ideas?"
She got the hint and pulled out a notebook and our chemistry textbook. We sat down at my computer and decided to google ideas for a project. We jotted down a few, ate a few slices of pizzas, and then I went to the kitchen to get a few sodas. When I returned, she was on a porn site.
She turned towards me, snatched the soda out of my hand and turned back to the porn. I looked at the screen and realized she had pulled up my bookmarked favorite porn sites. In the clip, Skin Diamond, my favorite porn star, was ass to ass with a chick using a double dildo while sucking the toes of another woman.
"Damn, you into bondage and stuff or something?" Nina asked. "Most of these sites seem to be bondage clips."
"I like BDSM."
"Who is this chick? With all of the tattoos and piercings. She's kind of hot."
"Her name is Skin Diamond."
We both looked at the screen as Skin sucked the toes of one woman, all the while having her tight asshole stretched by a huge dildo. I had masturbated to that scene several times. I looked at Nina's face. She looked amused by what she was watching. Or maybe she was just amused at my kink.
"Can we get back to the project?" I asked.
She ignored me and continued watching. "Why are they slapping her and stuff? And why does she keep asking them for more?"
"Sometimes people slap each other in BDSM. Some people like the pain and humiliation of it."
"This is wild," she laughed. "I didn't know black people did this kind of shit."
I grabbed the mouse so I could exit out the window, since the screaming from Skin Diamond had gotten louder and I didn't want my dad to hear it. My dad didn't care that I watched porn, but it would have been embarrassing for him to know I was watching it with my science partner in the room. He would never let me live it down.
"Wait, Samone. Wait. Can I at least send myself these links?"
"I wanna watch em when I get home. It's crazy."
She sent herself a dozen or so clips, and we worked on our project for some time. I couldn't help but feel she was thinking of me in a different way as we worked. She kept grinning. Kept looking at me like I was the punchline to a joke she couldn't stop laughing at. It irked me. I eventually told her I was tired, and that we could pick it up later.
"How about tomorrow?" she suggested.
I sighed. "Sure. Tomorrow."
She was back over the next day. Giving me those same grins and looks.
"Guess what? I watched all of those clips last night. Oh my Gawd. It was so fuckin' hot. I love Skin Diamond. Her porn is so fuckin' cool."
Ten minutes later, she had convinced me to show her more of my porn collection. I even made some popcorn while we watched scene after scene of the kind of porn that I liked. At first, I only showed her the porn because I found her curiosity and excitement to be cute, but soon, the more I showed her, the more turned on I became. Nina wasn't my type, at least I thought she wasn't, but those grins and looks she kept giving me was making me moist between my legs, which was entirely unexpected. I wondered if she knew she was doing that to me.
"Eww, this popcorn is burnt," she frowned as she picked up a browned piece of the snack out of the bowl.
"I know," I smiled. "I like it best when it's cooked about a minute longer than on the instructions. It makes them more crispy and tasty."
"Burnt popcorn, Samone? You like burnt popcorn?"
"Better than Caterpillars, right?"
She laughed. Then stuck the popcorn in her mouth. She made a funny disgusted face, and turned back towards the tv, where a woman was being bound by her arms and legs.
"Least your taste in porn is on point," she said before throwing more popcorn into her mouth.
We had been watching porn for an hour, and my pussy was super wet, when she asked me if I had ever participated in BDSM. I decided to tell her the truth, even though I knew it was just another way for her to be nosy. I didn't mind revealing to her about my personal life, for some reason.
"I'm a virgin."
"Really? With a girl or guy?"
"Both. I've never had sex. Of any kind."
"Ever given head? Or received it?"
"Nina, I've done nothing. I've had nothing done. I have never even been to first base."
She eyed me with her mouth dropped. "Are you serious? Never even been kissed?"
I nodded, then took a sip of my flat soda.
"It's just never happened. Always felt disgusted by the idea of kissing a guy. Even before I knew I was gay. And it just hasn't happened yet with a girl."
"Never had a girlfriend?"
"I've had a few...kinda."
"What is a kinda girlfriend?"
"I met them online."
"Are you so shy and awkward, that you can't meet girls in real life?"
"Maybe I am. Or maybe girls just don't check for me."
"Samone, no. Hell no. Look at you."
I raised an eyebrow. The one with my piercing.
"You're crazy sexy, Samone. Nice figure. Cute little breast. A phat, round ass. Yeah, I've seen it, even though you try to hide it with your clothes. And you're so damn cute in the face. Your smile especially. I know girls and dudes check for you."
She was right. Both men and women had asked me out several times. On my 18th birthday, I went out with my friends to a gay club, and there were about five or six girls that all asked for my number. I ended up ignoring all of their phone calls in the months that followed.
"Nina, are you bisexual or something?"
"Yes. Why I gotta be bi just because I notice how sexy you are?"
"I was mostly referring to you liking this kind of porn," I said, trying to switch the conversation back to the porn and away from me.
"I just think it's interesting. My boyfriend always tries to get me to watch porn but most of his is kind of boring. Same shit every scene. Ugly ass guy fucking some chick with fake ass, fake boobs, fake smile, fake orgasms. It's just all fake. This stuff right here, with Skin Diamond seems so much more real and authentic. It's sexy. She's sexy."
I picked at my scab unconsciously. Nina was growing sexier to me by the second.
"How'd you get that?" she asked, pointing at the scab.
"Climbed a tree with friends last weekend. Fell out of tree last weekend."
"You're so weird. I love it. Hey, wanna go to the sex store downtown?"
"C'mon, it will be fun."
"We have to finish this project."
"We have forever to finish it. Let's go to the sex store."
"Cuz I said so. I wanna go," she said before standing up, grabbing my arm, and pulling me up off the carpet.
Her aggressive approach to getting me to that store, even though I really didn't want to go, was a surprise. Not that she did it, but because I went along with it. I was saying goodbye to my dad and in her car before I even understood that part of the reason I went along with it was because the tone of her voice had been so mean. It wasn't negotiable. It wasn't for debate. She wanted to go, so we went.
She was talking to me on the way there, but I was only catching bits and pieces of it. I was trying to understand my arousal. Understand why we were away from the porn, but my pussy felt even wetter. My nipples even harder.
"...you ever used the flask for that Samone?"
I tried to snap out of my trance. "What? Uh. Yeah."
She burst out in laughter.
"What's so funny?"
"You're so not listening to me."
"Yes I am."
"Liar. I just asked you did you ever stick a chemistry flask in your pussy."
"Okay. I was so not listening."
We both laughed.
"What are we going to this sex store for anyway?"
"I need a new vibe. And with this new porn I've stumbled across via you, I might look for a few BDSM items. My boyfriend might appreciate it."
"Yup. I think you're the only high school student over 18 that's still a virgin. Sorry hun."
"I don't mind being a virgin."
"Yeah whatever. Do you at least have toys?"
"I have a vibrator. But I don't really use it."
"Then why'd you buy it?"
"I didn't. One of my gay male friends bought it for my birthday. Inside joke."
"I'll buy you something when we get there. Something that you'll actually use."
Once inside, she went straight to the toy section, dragging me with her. I was sort of embarrassed by being there in broad daylight, but found solace knowing it wasn't by choice. But having reserves about being there had a titillating layer to it. It was becoming clear that I liked not having a choice in the matter when it came to Nina.
"This stuff is expensive," I said as I found myself looking at the prices more than anything else.
"Gotta pay for quality fun," she smiled.
We looked at collars, handcuffs, gags, whips, paddles, harnesses, and dildos. She didn't seem concerned at all about price as she added the toys to a shopping basket.
"Your boyfriend would let you use a strap-on, on him?"
"Hell no," she laughed. "He ain't 'wit dat gay shit'"
"Then why are you getting one?"
She shot me a smirk and kept walking down the aisle of bondage equipment. I knew what her crazy sexy look meant. But I played dumb and acted as if I had no idea what she was buying it for. I didn't want to be a bitch about it. Plus, her flirting was intoxicating. I didn't want it to stop, at least not yet.
After twenty minutes of following her around, allowing her to smack me on the ass with a whip, and trying on a collar, we went to the front of the store, I presumed to check out. Instead, she got the attention of the round faced store clerk, who smiled sheepishly when he saw the two black girls with their sex toys.
"Hey, do you have any dvds about bondage training? For women?"
"Sure do. Let me show you where," the man said, looking over both of us as if he already knew which of us was in need of the training.
I continued playing dumb to what Nina was doing. I acted in all of the schools plays. But this was maybe my best acting job. I was so much more self aware than I was putting on. I think in some cases, people think I am dumb or slow because I hardly ever speak what I am thinking. I just observe and keep silent. Maybe Nina gathering all of these toys started off as a joke to get me to react, but I wasn't going to give her a reaction. If she wanted to buy all of this shit with me in mind, I was going to let her.
The clerk rang up the items. Over $500 in paddles, collars, cuffs, plugs, rope, and training dvds. I was living in a two bed apartment with my dad. $500 dollars was a lot of fucking money to me. Way too much to spend on masturbation or sex. I looked at Nina, and she simply took out her credit card and had it swiped.
When we were back in the car, I asked her which of those things had she bought for me.
"This," she giggled before showing me the leather collar. "I think it will look cute with the weird shit you usually wear to school."
I took the collar. "Thanks. I guess."
"So what's that other shit for? You got a lotta' two-people toys."
She cranked up her car, put on her seat-belt, and then shrugged her shoulders. "I'll find me a sub somewhere," she said casually.
Sub, in BDSM lingo, was the submissive person in a sexual encounter. The person that got spanked, and tied up, and told what to do. It was the position Skin Diamond played in those porn clips we watched. It was the power role I was finding out first hand could arouse me to no end.
After a few minutes of riding, I realized we weren't heading towards my house.
"Where are we going? I live that way," I pointed.
"I wanna stop by my house for a sec."
"How far do you live?"
"Just chill. You'll see."
She stayed out in the burbs about 20 minutes away from me. Big ass front yard, three cars parked out front of their two story house.
"No wonder 500 dollars isn't anything to you. You're loaded."
She didn't respond, just led me inside of her house. Nina and I had known of each other for so many years, but the past few hours had trumped all of that time in terms of actually getting to know each other. I had judged her. I'm sure she had judged me too. But I had to admit, I liked hanging around her. It was going to be a trip describing to my friends that me and popular girl Nina had been hanging the past few days.
She introduced me to her mom and stepdad. Both of them looked at me strangely, as if I looked much different than all of the other people she usually brought home. I took some satisfaction in this. I liked being unique, strange, odd.
Nina brought me upstairs to her bedroom, and just like she had done when she first saw my room, I took in her world. Beyonce posters. All types of electrical gadgets, iphones, macbooks, and such. Makeup on a shelf next to a huge full body mirror. But what actually surprised me was her bookshelf of detective and mystery books. The Edgar Allen Poe that sat on her bed made me giggle.
"Is this for class?"
"Think I'm too dumb to read it for my own entertainment?" she frowned.
"No. I didn't mean it like that," I apologized.
She stared at me for a second before laughing. "I'm fucking with you. It is for class."
"Are you horny at all, Samone?"
"Not particularly," I lied.
"I'm soaking wet."
"Why you telling me?"
"I'm pretty forthcoming. Let's watch some of the training dvd."
We both settled in close to the tv and watched as a Domme, fully dressed in a black leather outfit, with a whip in her black glothed hand, and black stilettos, came on screen and explained what the dvd was about.