My Problem Ch. 02byDaiquiri Girl©
My problem of the heart expressed itself in several forms. Falling in love with a married man is troublesome enough. That Kara, Tim's wife, is a good friend complicates my problem. My mother taught me nice girls ran from married men. Yet Kara is slowly dying with cancer. Surprisingly she gave me her blessing and encouragement.
If I only have to wait in the wings with her blessing, what is the problem? Tim's sexual interests and desires were beyond mine. Tim's fantasies and curiosities involved sexual banter and teasing, wife sharing and swinging. When I graduated from college I left the wilder life behind. Could I be the woman Tim would seek in a new wife?
Rene, a woman with whom Tim had an affair in 2002 is the biggest problem. He still has feelings for her. Fortunately, she lived two hours away and was married. Tim gave me his password so that I could change the password. Figuring he would not be hearing from her I promised before killing it I would check for about ten days for any messages. Regretfully, killing the account on the designated day did not happen. Rene sent an email the day before I remembered to kill the email address.
If I killed the address that Friday Rene's email would have unknowingly died and my conscious would be clear. My first thought was that ignoring it would be a dishonest. Yet, telling Tim could make me the instrument for rekindling of an affair. How could I look Kara in the eye? Also, the possibility failing to attract Ken's interest and affection would increase.
Days later, using the catharsis document I decided to tell Kara about the emails. Surprisingly Kara showed no anger. Though she smiled while reading the draft her eyes were sad by the end. With a shaking voice she asked me to do nothing for three weeks. Recognizing I was at a major turning point in my life, I promised to wait. Saying that Rene should know brought a strong frowned to her face.
On the Wednesday Kara asked if I wanted to go to a hockey game Friday evening. She secured tickets as Tim's team was in town. I agreed. Later that evening, curiosity to learn the views of others I decided to post the earlier document.
After getting my ticket at Will Call I was surprised to find only Ken. He was just as surprised to see me. Seeing Kara's hand at work I smiled. Sitting seven rows up from the blue line, I enjoyed the action and Tim's company. The only negative was that Tim's team lost.
After the game, we enjoyed after game drinks and snacks at a nearby restaurant. Our conversation was stilted because we kept looking into each other's eyes and smiling. As I took mass transit to the game, Tim offered to take me home as his car was at his office. Telling him I did not feel safe walking the streets after midnight I put my arm through his arm.
When we pulled into the driveway I asked him if he wanted to come in for a drink. The desire to have him in my bed, to hold him and be intimate filled me. The moment I uttered the invitation I felt as if I was breaking my word to Kara. I did not want to become "the other woman" in Kara's mind.
My heart sank when Tim said it was late. I wondered if Tim was clueless. Before I got out, touching his hand and looking into his eyes I asked if he was sure. A subtle smile came across his lips and his eyes gleamed as he told me he would love to but could not do so yet. He did want to know me as a person before we did anything. I floated into the house and fell asleep happier than I had been for years.
The next morning I awoke to a ringing phone. I told her I enjoyed the evening so much I forgot that my car was parked at the Metro station.
Sunday, with Tim and her son watching the Super Bowl on a large screen at a home a friend, I followed her to her place after she helped me to get my car. She frowned at Ken that Ken refused me Friday. I was perplexed. She told me that with Tim emailing Rene, the earlier promise is voided. She asked that we be discrete.
I admitted to having growing fantasies along the line of Tim's. They were playing off some of my wilder college days. Yet living them out in a marriage is another matter. Privately I fear if I did them that for Tim it could be a short-term phase but it would something I would want to continue. Also, "good girls" did not do such things.
Kara said she wanted me to withhold Rene's email from Tim and not respond to her. I understood her furry toward Rene. Her pain ran deep for Tim not only is her husband but he had been her best friend. The affair damaged her friendship and marriage. When she needed a best friend for support she couldn't turn to him because he was the offending party. And then when her illness became known, she still lacked her best friend. I understood why she quickly opened up to me and why we became the best of friends.
I never viewed Wyatt as a good friend let alone a best friend, and that may have been part of our problem. Kara wanting this other woman to suffer with no returned messages was understood.
After unflattering words, she calmed and admitted she overreacted. Kara went on to tell me that there is a difference between Rene and myself. The other woman was a threat to her and I was not. I felt a little insulted by her comment. She viewed Rene as her competition and as causing her grief and not me. I had a small shiver when I wondered how she would react if she saw time being affectionate toward me. Would she turn on me?
I am not sure I could agree in her distinction. Her sense of betrayal colored her views and arguing with her would be futile. Yet I told her in no uncertain terms that Rene should know. She sighed, walked in an agitated manner over to the window and looked out to the street.
A minute of silence seemed to be five. Turning with hands thrown into the air in a tone of frustration cried, "I don't give a damn. Kate it is your decision, not mine. Do what you want. I just do not want to know."
My confusion showing she cried she could be dead in 6 months or 24 months. She asked me pointed questions. Could I live with Tim being with the another woman? How would I handle if I knew he took her on his New York or to Atlanta trips or met her for a night? Could I accept that or would it eat at me? She suspected I would be jealous and hurt. Am I willing to take the risk?"
Her questions continued to play in my mind for days. Jealous is a powerful emotion that could destroy us. Why risk it I asked myself. I would have jealousy, but why and to what degree? My mother use to say that when it comes to affairs of the heart, logic goes out the window as emotions drive us in illogical directions. Was he my man in my mind? No. Yet I had come to the view that he could be my man one day.
If he met up with her and their relationship blooms, then my relationship with Tim is on quick sand. I reasoned it should be tested and if necessary end before I invested more of my feelings in the relationship. I concluded over the subsequent days that Rene was the test. If I had strong negative feelings about him being with Rene then I should think twice about taking the relationship further. If I could live with him being with Rene, then just maybe we could live out our common fantasies without damaging our relationship. Also determined at that moment I did not want to meet her or know much about her. As long as she was in the nebulous out there then I felt safer.
On February 11th mid afternoon as snow started to fall Kara dropped by on her way home from a bookstore. After a half hour Kara asked if I still planned on telling Tim and emailing Rene.
I told Kara I was uncertain about Tim but definitely Rene would receive an email and a link to part one. While arguing with her I have never seen Kara that angry. Yes I knew some of mood swings had been excused as side affects of the medication, but her response was not worthy of her. While not giving rationale, one commenter to part one warned about getting involved with the husband of a best friend. In Kara's reaction I now saw rationale.
Many of the feedbacks provided insights and ideas to consider. A handful of responders noted that I should just leave Rene hanging as that is what would have happened if I severed the account on the Friday. Others encouraged me to be honest with Tim, to honestly share my feelings, tell him of Rene's email and just see where things fall. One person rightly noted that if Tim had growing feelings for me his heart would guide him.
Apologizing for her reaction Kara asked to read Rene's email and said she understood why I intended to send an email. Looking over my shoulder she commented that Rene threatened him. Tim foolishly and voluntarily confessed his deceptive thoughts. Rather than thanking Tim for his confession and honesty Rene expressed strong disappointment and clearly was angry that he even thought of deceiving her. Kara suggested that there was an implied a threat behind her statement that he better even think of being dishonest with her.
I agreed that such a message could be viewed that way but that may was not likely her intent. Kara's voice quickened and she asked why I did not see that this other woman was a controller. To give her a chance to calm down I offered to refresh our coffees.
Returning I found Kara typing. Looking over her shoulder and I cried out in shock. She writing a vindictive email. Taking the mouse I closed the message window. Then I noticed she had deleted all the messages from Rene. My face was flush with heat as she received a piece of my mind and then some.
I value her friendship, but I had enough of the swings in her emotions and contradictory comments. She was like another woman when we talked about anything related to Tim's affair. She said she forgives him but then at other moments I really wonder. Alarm crossed her face as I told her I was not going to get involved with him. I was getting too drawn into her private matters and I did not want to be a victim of her rage. I lost it more when said I would be good for Tim and she thought I had fallen in love with Tim.
In a raised voice I said something like, "shut your fucking mouth. I may have feelings for him but I there is no way I am not going to get involved in the middle of your mess. You send too many contracting messages. You encourage me to care but I do not trust you. You had no right to write those things. I fear you are going to turn on me. I would be a fucking fool to invest my heart and future in him. You have venom in your heart. I think you are playing games with my life and his."
For over ten minutes I went berated her and defended Tim. Every effort she made to speak I squashed. I told her that them being still married spoke more positively about Tim's character than hers. She had been sending conflicting messages to him and I felt very sorry for him. He returns kindness and love when she is unkind to him. He worries about her to the extent that he started drinking to escape the pain of loosing her. I told her in no uncertain terms that she is playing with his heart. He has loved her unconditionally and she uses guilt to control him. She says marrying him was one of the best things she has done but then there are moments she treats him as if he was a dog. Yet he takes it quietly.
She is starting to do the same to me and while he may have to take it, I do not need to participate in her game. The question is not why Kara should have taken him back but why is he continue to be with her? I regret saying that I am amazed that he has not divorced her. Seeing the pain on her face I knew I had gone too far but I still continued. I finished by saying I wonder if his romantic heart and willingness to get close to any woman would survive. I finished by yelling "and you have the gall to want me to get serious with him? You need to get a life if you think I am going to be a part of your game!"
When I stopped my ranting she tried to explain. I did not want to hear it and told her to her coat and get out. I did not want to risk having her stuck in my home because of the snow. I did not want to hear self-justification or unjustified venom. With tears flowing she slinked out the door.
I was livid with Kara. Calming down by mid evening I feared I may have lost a best friend. Then I reminded myself I had become too involved in a domestic struggle. Though most of it needed to be said I was too hard on Kara. Yet I continued to remain blue and was troubled by the depth of my anger. That night my comforting friend was the Kleenex box. I could not do much. I tried to answer some emails. Even doing emails took much much longer than normal. I responded back to one woman who had laudable comments. As she invited me to email her if I wanted further thoughts I decided to do so. I was reaching out to someone for comfort. Unfortunately the email to her hotmail address bounced back leaving me again with a sense of loneliness.
At 11:00 I was crying myself asleep. I cried not because of what I said to Kara but because I felt like a warmth in my heart was about to go out. Not until doing this reflection Sunday morning did I realize how much hope and desires I had placed in Tim. Walking away was painful, far more painful than divorcing Wyatt. Though my heart was going on direction, Mom was right, run away from married men.
More to come, that Sunday night and getting off the roller coaster.
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