My Problem Ch. 04

Her husband's actions proclaimed his love. She knows he needs a woman to care for him, to be a good friend and confident, and to keep some of his wilder ideas in check. He needs someone to fill his thoughts and around whom he could plan his life. Knowing him and from the conversations we shared over those dark days, I could not disagree. This explained his crazy emails in December to Rene. He frequently wished he was the one who had a short time to live. Tim has a generous trusting heart which I could see getting him in trouble without a balancing partner.

He needed to have someone with whom to have fun times. That night and Monday she described their fun times and travels. I would never have imagined them being so adventurous, not with others but in locations and what they did together. I was also surprised at the opportunities that they had to do much more but turned away from the opportunities.

Taking my hand and looking into my eyes she told me that I too needed someone to love me, to love and protect me, and be my soul mate. She was right but I noted that the baby would be my focus. She shook her head arguing that though a child fills one's life and heart, a child is not like having a loving husband at one's side. Kara said she loves me and wants only the best for me.

When I expressed doubts about Tim wanting a woman with child she shook her head. Her reply resounded in my mind "love my dear Kate. Love covers and works through much."

What about jealousy flaring I asked. As she saw it I was not stealing her husband, she was gifting him a new wife. Nothing would make her happier in her last days than to see someone looking upon her husband with joyous affection and he upon her. She would die contented knowing that he would have someone like me and knowing that she played a part in making it happen. Though I heard her words and saw the tears, what was taking place in Kara's heart is beyond my comprehension. It may be because I have never experienced love to that extent.

Sunday night Kara handed me an envelope while telling me it would help me to understand. Though I was physically drained I read the card in the envelope, Kara's Valentine card from her husband.

"Dearest, on this day of love I cannot let another task be completed today until I express my love for you. Though these roses are exquisite in their design, beauty and softness, they pale to express my love for you. Even these words fall far far short in expressing what is upon my heart.

You are not only my wife, you are my life long soul mate. When we wedded, I married well above my station in life. I knew it that day we stood at the alter, I know it even more today. That afternoon as you were escorted to my side by your father, I never saw him or anyone else. My eyes were transfixed upon the one who had embraced and held my heart.

I thought I loved you completely and as fully as possible back then, but I now realize how foolish I was to think such thoughts. As the years my love for you has only broadened, deepened and bloomed under your care.

Over our marriage, nay even before we married, you have repeatedly lifted me up, provided me courage and fortitude. Time and time again you have been the balm to heal my wounds and sooth my bruised ego.

I have two regrets that still cut me deeply this day. The first is that I have not constantly returned in kind that which you have provided so generously to me. I regret that there have been times I took you and your love me and our children for granted, and in those moments have not been as loving a husband as you rightly deserve. The second, and the one that pains me most, life is denying us the joy of growing old in each other's arms. You my love are my life. I cannot fathom what it will be like without you. There are moments when I wonder how I could live without my soul mate and best friend by my side. I fear that when you die that I will die with you. Maybe that is as it should be because my heart belongs to you. I will continue on but in a sense I will merely be existing.

Sunday and yesterday have been joyous days. To hold you intimately, to again feel the passion of your lips upon mine has renewed my soul. The little grimace I noticed last night in bed reminded me that expressing such intimacy comes at a cost for you. Yet, you gave and gave freely. You liberally provided such pleasure with joyous exuberance so much so that my maleness and heart were taken to lofty heights. Those feelings and images of these days will be forever burned into my memory and cherished in my heart. Yet, because of the cost upon you, I shall not seek or expect any such moments, and if they happen, they should happen my dearest only because of your need and desire.

In these days you have allowed me to move from the dry dessert into the lush meadow of comfort. I fell asleep with a contentment and peace that I have been missing far too long between us. I felt that my best friend has returned. I pledge I will do whatever I can to regain that status again in your eyes.

Thank you my dearest for drawing me into your heart, for restoring my soul in such a beautiful intimate way. Your love and passion are ever fresh in my heart. Thank you for being the best thing that has happened to me and for filling my mind with a long host of warm memories. Above all, thank you my dearest for being my wife, my comforter, my wise best friend, my lover and most importantly, my soul mate forever.

He who is yours forever.

Tears rolled from my eyes when I reread the note as I paced the guest room. I was awash with feelings. The penned words were private communication between a husband and wife. The card was not given to me just because it gave me insight into Tim's heart but because of the penmanship. Kara knew I would recognize the printing, the same printing from the same author that moved me on Valentine's Day. The card and flowers I thought were not from Nancy. I was angry that Kara had not warned me, but then I realized she did question my assumptions and conclusions. She questioned the handwriting. And she warned me not to go to Winchester. She did everything short of explicitly saying the card and flowers were from her husband.

That Tuesday Kara visited her oncologist. That night she was uncommonly quiet. Though I pressed her, she claimed to be fine. She just needed to do some thinking. I gave her space even though I noticed her wiping a tear from time to time from her eye.

Wednesday Kara went with me car shopping for a mom car. I had my eye on a 04 silver Camry. At the end we checked my mail. In the privacy of my home was able to press her without fear of Jeff overhearing our conversation. When I asked why she has been so quiet she told me that the drugs not only slowed the progression of her cancer but signs that it is going into remission.

I was puzzled why she seemed to be standoffish and quiet. "Because Tim has virtually stopped drinking and has started to exercise and lose weight." I mush have had a puzzled look because she said "you should know why girlfriend he is looking after himself." I had my suspicion and in poorly coded manner she confirmed it.

When Kara said she did want to get too hopeful as she has been preparing to face death for well over a year, I replied, "girlfriend, there is more. What is it?" Kara has seen the look in my eyes, and in her husband's. She regretted stirring our interest when as she is not as close to dying as initially thought. And she confessed that she may have also read more into the earlier statements from the doctors than was there in the first place. She had only the worst case scenario in her mind.

We both acknowledged that she needed to have an honest conversation with her husband, to bare her soul openly to him, including her affair. She knew it and was determined to bring them to the open before their May 19th wedding anniversary.

I assured her that I respected their relationship and would not allow me to act on feelings for Tim. She was deeply sorry for what she had done to me. On the positive side she helped me to look beyond myself and face up to the fact that I need a person to love.

Thursday evening Tim returned from his conference. That night I sat before the fireplace reflecting upon what I had learned. And I fought back the tears. Kara and Tim certainly love one another even though they have had a tough road for a few years. My mind was also awash with stories Kara shared with me. They were surprising. I smiled that she had a special man. He left a professional position at a college so that she could earn her own PhD. I understood what drove their professional shifts why he moved away from dealing with people's problems. From some of the stories Kara shared I can see how they could impact a person.

I did not need to be a party to their frank conversation but I got pulled in. I felt that my feelings did not need to be raised as there was nothing that could be gained with me moving on. Yet during this past Saturday's barbeque Kara surprised me by asking her husband to forgive her. As she started I got up to give them space but Kara firmly grabbed my arm.

She asked his forgiveness for putting a wedge between Joe and him, and then for being slow to forgive him when she too had had an affair. Tim cut her off, "remember our fair fighting rules, what is forgiven is not to be brought up again. I forgave you. It is gone." Kara stammered when and how as she never confessed it before the barbeque.

Tim explained that he flew to Texas to surprise her for a romantic escape. While waiting in the hotel lounge for her return he saw her enter with a younger man. It was clear that something more was going on than just friends. Watching them enter an elevator alone he noticed it stopped at the 5th floor. He quickly took the next elevator to the same floor in time to see a door closing. As he came to the room he heard the voice of his wife. He walked past the room five or six more times in the next half hour. The sounds coming through the door confirmed what was taking place. He left and flew home downhearted.

When Kara asked why he did not intervene, Tim explained he was furious but feared could result from rage. He felt he had to work through his thoughts first and to control the ground. When she arrived home he could tell she still loved him. It also became quickly evident she felt guilty for her dalliance. He sensed her desire to say something but feared hurting him. Yet her actions continued to way heavy upon her so he took her out for a romantic night. The meal it was his moment to tell her that when you make a mistake, learn from it and move on. Tim assured said he loved her deeply and he does not regret marrying her. It was his moment of saying that she was forgiven. When her spirits lifted that weekend he knew she got the message without directly talking about what had taken place.

He mentioned that he and Joe have spoken several times over the last month. Joe will be returning home the first week of May. Joe would forever regret not being at his mother's side during her last days. Yes, while Joe left partly because of the tension between his parents, the main reason was not wanting to watch his mother slowly die. Tim had explained to Joe that he was a fault for what had been going on between his mother and him, not Kara's. His mother was reacting properly and he had to bear it as just punishment for his unloving act. Kara had tears running down her face as he drew her into a hug. I too was fighting tears.

While she was hugging her husband Kara headed inside and stood by the kitchen window. As entered the house I heard her telling him about the medical news. He was clearly pleased with the good news. Minutes later I noticed them both looking back and forth between the house and each other. Tim shook his head no several times. Tim became animated before he hugging her again. He then looked straight into her eyes as he spoke. What they were speaking about is conjecture but when it ended Kara sighed and then sat focusing upon the table.

Moments later Tim entered my kitchen and affirmed his wife is the focus of his life. He apologized for his wife's attempt to play matchmaker. He confessed that he considered me to be more than just a friend. He is thankful that I have been there for his wife. He will be there for me and the baby, to be its godfather, uncle or whatever roll I wish for him to play.

Tim's terminally ill wife initially blessed and encouraged her husband and I to fall in love. Her effort was yielding success, but her improved health changes things. The problem from January will be but a minor footnote in my life when compared to the night I was impregnated in February and the raising of my child. Once the baby is born it will be time to start dating and looking for my own husband. Having a baby will make it tougher but there are plenty out there.

I hope Kara will be determined to live life as fully as possible. I will miss her when her time comes. In the meantime she is planning a special anniversary for her husband. She is wanting them to renew and redefine their marital vows.

As for Rene, with me taking control of that one email account, she is out of the loop. I felt she should know not to expect to hear from Tim. Hence, I just emailed her a short time ago, "you do not know me, but I am a friend of Tim's. He is well. His wife's health has improved. He is sorry he emailed you while depressed and a little intoxicated. To keep him from doing it again, in January he asked me to take control of this email account by changing the password. I did so. For various reasons he does not know of your email response and I delayed informing you. Katie."

So where does this leave me, Katherine? I am pregnant, alone and in love with a married man. Interestingly, I find myself at peace and contented with my life. No longer do I have a troubling problem. Problems, yes, but not troubling problems. I am moving forward with bold confidence into an unknown future.

Finis