My Problem

I asked Tim if he had heard from Rene. He shook his head no. When he noted he been checking two or three times a day I knew the memory of Rene had a hold on him. I was pleased that she did not live local but lived several hours away. There was little chance of them meeting in a local mall or grocery store. He did not have her phone number and though he knew her last name, email was the vehicle of contact. He did not know her email address apart from it being saved in his special email account.

He described her as a "sensuous generous woman" several years his senior. I was relieved as being younger would give me an advantage. Before they meet face to face he felt that there was something much more to their relationship than the hope of sex. Again I was impressed that he saw sex as a vehicle for expressing love in an intimate manner. We talked more what they did while in St Louis, about a visit to a sex club, having two extra male threesomes, and of their desire to have a female threesome that had not worked out before their relationship concluded.

As hoped he asked again "what am I going to do?" I spoke forthrightly. He had to consider the relationship and Rene as part of his past not future. He had to stop hoping for something that is not likely to happen. In my opinion his email just before Christmas was wrong. It was wrong for him and for her. The email tainted what should remain a warm memory for both. And I meant it truly. He agreed it was an error and his drinking clouded his thinking.

I told him the hope of Rene would forever stand between him and any other relationship. He somewhat agreed, but I sensed he was still holding to a dream of something. Putting my glass in the sink I turned and offered my opinion that the only way to give up the dream and move on was to surrender the relationship. What needs to happen I told him is much like happens to us when we dated, broke-up and that person started dating another. When one or both dated another, the hope of a rekindled relationship normally ended. He nodded in agreement.

Tim needed do the psychological equivalent. Give up control of that email account. Allow the other person to change the password. He was not ready to give up that control that day, but Sunday I received an email from him asking me to change the email password and not share it with him. I told him I would do so right away to one of my passwords but I would watch to see if anything came in the next two weeks. Around the 19 or 20th I would kill the account by again changing the password with a series of nonsense letters and numbers. Throwing the paper away would thereby effectively be killing the account and killing the hope and possibility of a relationship with Rene.

On Friday afternoon I confirmed that no email had come in from Rene and I would kill the account that night if no message was there. His short reply read, "thank you Katie for helping me to put Rene to rest and into the ground. You are right that I should cherish her memory and her love. It is time to live on. You support and concern for me had touched me." In the last three weeks Tim's spirit was stronger and he was freer than I have ever seen. I really liked the rejuvenated Tim. Even his drinking changed. Unfortunately, I did not kill the account that night. I am a sub in our firm's bowling league and I go called to sub that night.

While this was taking place seeing Tim as a possible husband was another question. On January 15th while Tim was out, Kara booted up Tim's computer. Shortly his history and downloaded documents yielded what I needed. The downloaded pictures were mainly mature women and group sex. The stories were heavily romantic as well as stories about couples sharing other lovers with the other's knowledge or swapping.

What Tim wanted sexually in a wife was clear. I did not think that could be me. Yet I have been reading erotic stories for the last month has stirred my imagination and desires. They are broadening. I have some curiosities, but I still scream "I cannot go there." I am not saying no and I am not saying yes.

As I finish this story I have two problems. I have admitted to myself earlier this week that I am falling in love with Tim. I will remain in the wings while hoping to gain his attention. Though I could not admit it to anyone who knows me, I could be happy to be his wife if it was not for his sexual interests. Is he is really not just another Wyatt? Yet, he has not been reading stories about cheating. He reads about husbands and wives participating in an open lifestyle within a romantic trusting framework. My heart says he is not like Wyatt. My heart says I could do some of what he is seeking. Yet my mind is not as certain. Fortunately, I have avenues like this to work through aloud my thoughts. Also, I still have time to work these out.

The other is more vexing. As I noted I did not get around to killing the email account on Friday night. When I got back from bowling I totally forgot about it. The next morning Kara and I went to a book reading in Baltimore. Again killing the account was not on my mind until Monday afternoon as I was cleaning out my office emails. I remembered. No problem, big problem. That night, I noticed a message from Rene arrived on Sunday.

The message could open the relationship again. If I do not tell him, he will never know. Not telling him would be best I initially argued. Best for whom? Kara? Tim? Or me? Yet not telling him would not be honest and not a good basis for starting a lasting relationship. My dishonesty would always be in the back of my mind. Even if I decided not to pursue a relationship, I would not be true to Tim by not saying anything.

Would not telling Tim be fair to Rene? She would be forever wondering. It is true that if the box had been killed Friday night or Saturday morning she would still be left still left wondering. The difference is that I would not know. But I do know. Though I do not know her, not telling Tim would not be right to Rene. Also it creates issues within my own heart and mind regarding personal integrity. Though some would say, all is fare in love and war, I would disagree if one looses one's values and integrity. If I tell him, the risk is evident.

Tim's comment New Years night that he regretted not having a closure, without an affirmation of their love and expressing their love in an intimate manner plays in my mind. Is such a closure necessary? He thinks so. I do not. Maybe his seeking of a closure would become an active affair. Maybe it would not. Maybe he has come to closure with turning control of the account to another.

Should I tell Kara or remain silent? I could find myself in Peg's position of Peg. Peg knew about Wyatt's affairs but said nothing. Life really has a way of putting coming back upon you. It will hurt Kara if I tell her. Yet shielding her only to have her learn later will bring greater harm and pain. If Tim has an affair, I could shield Kara by helping Tim to cover his affair. An option, but I will not do so.

When faced with a difficult and complex choice, Momma encouraged me to write down the background, problem and options. Momma would say it more often than not helps to focus to the mind. It is a good cathartic process. In doing this up I decided to share this summary with Kara. I did so two days ago. She encouraged me to post it to see if Tim would read it and connect the dots and say something to us. Those who are looking for story material could build erotic stories off my predicament and they are free to do so. For others who have wisdom in these matters may wish to offer their thoughts. To whom else can I tell my predicament but strangers or a therapist?

Kara's reaction surprised me. No anger, no bitterness. Instead, a quiet smile came upon her face after saying, "I need to think on this for several days. You cannot withhold the news from him, but I want to think about how and when." Developing a relationship with Tim is a priority. I do not know if I should leave Rene hanging indefinitely. I am a woman problems of the heart.