My Wedding Vow To You

I have to say, I'm not sure what category this really goes in but it's an essay I guess, albeit a personal one. So many people write their own wedding vows and we were going to do it, but you know, I looked at the old, traditional ones and for me, I no longer see the need. Would it work for everyone? I don't know, that's not for me to judge. These are only my own thoughts on the subject.

*****

I checked the local bookstore and couldn't find a copy of Marriage for Dummies and with marriage quickly approaching, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Yeah, bearlee is marrying ariadne soon. Actually, Lee and Dawn are marrying each other, but either way, those are only names. That's when it hit me, I mean we had talked about writing our own vows and all that stuff a few months ago like lots of couples do these days and I sat down and did it. Well, okay, I didn't write them down, I spoke my words to her in the living room as we talked about the big day ahead of us. They really were beautiful words rolling off my tongue off the top of my head, but that's all they were-just words. They seemed pretty damn important at the time, but now-not really. I mean words are good I suppose, but really, you can pick up a card in any store in the romance/love section and find words that express all kinds of wonderful, beautiful, romantic things. In fact, as the day closed in on us, she was working, or getting ready to work, on her words. She even jokingly said she had thought about going to a card store and buying several to copy words from to say to me.

"I'm not doing it," I told her. There was a sigh of relief from her. Did I have a reason? Yes, actually I did. The words have already been written, I guess I just didn't know it at the time we first spoke about it, but I knew now.

It's a funny world we live in now when it comes to marriage. It used to be considered an institution of sorts, a great institution, but maybe no longer by some, perhaps many. During my lifetime I've witnessed a proliferation of people living together without the benefit of marriage. "It's just a piece of paper" was always the argument to support the acceptance of living together. Well, this was true until the movement toward gay marriage came to the fore. Then all of a sudden the piece of paper took on added importance. I guess not so much for men and women though. No, it was their relationship that was important and not some piece of paper sanctioning it issued by the state nor words spoken in a church or civil ceremony. Maybe they were right but that little piece of paper does make it a little more difficult to just get up and walk when feelings are hurt or tempers flare, however momentary those emotions turn out to be. Oh, and I guess God was a part of it too but He seems to have taken a backseat in the public eye of late.

Yeah, the traditional wedding vows contemplate God being involved. "We are here today – before God – because marriage is one of His most sacred wishes – to witness the joining in marriage of Lee and Dawn. This occasion marks the celebration of love and commitment with which this man and this woman begin their life together. And now – through me – He joins you together in one of the holiest bonds." Yeah, He's involved alright and towards the end of the ceremony there is a stronger admonishment of this affirmation, "What – therefore – God has joined together – let no man put asunder."

But then, men and women do put it asunder and it doesn't require a belief nor lack of belief in God. We see it everyday and I've often wondered why this is. Maybe I shouldn't wonder because I'm one of those that participate in doing so by virtue of my profession. Well, I don't actually do it, the couples take care of that part, I just act as a facilitator in the process. Why do marriages fail? I've wondered about this over the years and finally came to my own conclusion and I may be right, I may be wrong, or I may be a little of both. The answer is not, for me, as Peter, Paul & Mary might say, "blowing in the wind." My belief is there is a failure of communication-true communication between two people-that ultimately drives couples apart. You know, where people actually listen to each other, develop a friendship, a bond and a trust in each other. One that allows them the freedom to speak without fearing the consequences of what they may say. Is this new stuff? No, actually it's in the old, traditional wedding vows already written.

"This is a beginning and a continuation of their growth as individuals. With mutual care, respect, responsibility and knowledge comes the affirmation of each one's own life happiness, growth and freedom. With respect for individual boundaries comes the freedom to love unconditionally. Within the emotional safety of a loving relationship – the knowledge self-offered one another becomes the fertile soil for continued growth. With care and responsibility towards self and one another comes the potential for full and happy lives.

"By gathering together all the wishes of happiness and our fondest hopes for Lee and Dawn from all present here, we assure them that our hearts are in tune with theirs. These moments are so meaningful to all of us, for what greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined together – to strengthen each other in all labor – to minister to each other in all sorrow – to share with each other in all gladness.

"This relationship stands for love, loyalty, honesty and trust, but most of all for friendship. Before they knew love, they were friends, and it was from this seed of friendship that is their destiny. Do not think that you can direct the course of love – for love, if it finds you worthy, shall direct you.

"Marriage is an act of faith and a personal commitment as well as a moral and physical union between two people. Marriage has been described as the best and most important relationship that can exist between them. It is the construction of their love and trust into a single growing energy of spiritual life. It is a moral commitment that requires and deserves daily attention. Marriage should be a life long consecration of the ideal of loving kindness – backed with the will to make it last."

Look at the words if you haven't before, or if you've forgotten them. "A continuation of their growth as individuals." Marriage is not a denial of nor the death of each person and the creation of one from the two. It's two people continuing their lives as individuals but working together toward common or shared goals. Sure, that brings sacrifice, maybe by one more than the other, at times anyway it may seem that way, but life is filled with sacrifices irrespective of marriage. What are the rewards? I don't know; but I believe the next part seems to sum most of it up: "With mutual care, respect, responsibility and knowledge comes the affirmation of each one's own life happiness, growth and freedom." Why? Well, the answer follows: "With respect for individual boundaries comes the freedom to love unconditionally."

Loving unconditionally! Is that important? Well, the next part would certainly make it seem so. "Within the emotional safety of a loving relationship – the knowledge self-offered one another becomes the fertile soil for continued growth. With care and responsibility towards self and one another comes the potential for full and happy lives." How do we get this? It would appear by loving one another unconditionally! It doesn't guarantee success nor does it guarantee happiness. It's qualified if you look at it when it though referring to the "potential for full and happy lives." There is something to be said about emotional safety being provided through loving unconditionally though and I have to believe it has to do with the freedom to communicate any thoughts to each other without fear of retribution or ridicule. If you can do that; that is emotional safety!

So what do we have? Two individuals it would seem, but not completely. It goes on to speak of two human souls joined together, laboring together and sharing the good times and the bad. The bad! Well, yeah, everything isn't always great, but can two people work together to make it good, or as good as possible and maybe avoid the bad? It's not likely anyone will avoid it entirely, but they can ease each other through the tough times. It happened for me when my dad died a little over two years ago. It was a devastating time for me and continued to be for a long period of time. After so many years, I was suddenly an orphan. Now that is real pain but somehow she knew the right things to do to make it better. Sometimes it was by talking to me, sometimes it was by letting me talk and other times, it was by standing back and giving me room for my own thoughts. She knew when to let me cry and knew when to try to make me laugh. Somehow she just seemed to know what to do and when to do it.

Why? Well read on. "This relationship stands for love, loyalty, honesty and trust, but most of all for friendship." She was and continues to remain my best buddy! She's been my friend through the happy times and the not so happy times. So maybe as a result of that I find the next part, at first, perplexing. "Before they knew love, they were friends, and it was from this seed of friendship that is their destiny. Do not think that you can direct the course of love – for love, if it finds you worthy, shall direct you." Now the love, loyalty, honesty and trust thing is easy enough and then of course friendship-the one thing that seems so important appears minimized for a moment. Maybe it's not since the seed of friendship turns to love and somehow remains the underpinnings of the whole relationship. I think so-I hope so! Thank God after the vows are exchanged there are some added words, "You have pronounced yourselves husband and wife but remember to always be each other's best friend." So now I can say without hesitation-I know so!

Of course, that's not the end, nor should it be. The final words before the new couple trot happily off to the actual vows themselves are, "Marriage is an act of faith and a personal commitment as well as a moral and physical union between two people. Marriage has been described as the best and most important relationship that can exist between them. It is the construction of their love and trust into a single growing energy of spiritual life. It is a moral commitment that requires and deserves daily attention. Marriage should be a life long consecration of the ideal of loving kindness – backed with the will to make it last."

Marriage is an act of faith, an act of personal commitment, an act of moral and physical union. It is a construction of love and trust and deserves daily attention, like planting a garden almost but then they throw that thing in there about the "will to make it last."

I know there are people that think these are all just words, but you know what, they are more than just words. They are the words I could speak at our ceremony if I were to write my own changing some of the words to personalize it but after thinking about it, and reading the traditional vows, in a strict sense they would be without meaning standing alone. Why? Well, look at the spoken words and what do they require-actions!

That is what I told her on the phone the other day. The words I would speak mean nothing. It will be my actions after the marriage that are important. I can promise to stand beside her and be her friend, but if I don't do it, it means nothing. I can say I'm going to love her unconditionally, but unless I follow through on those words with actions, it means nothing. I can say I want to nurture our relationship from this day forward, but if I don't follow up with actions doing just that, the words are empty and devoid of meaning. Words make great symbols and I don't want to imply symbolism is meaningless because I don't believe it to be true in all cases. Still, I know too that people can manipulate symbols, in this case words, to the point of being making them empty and without value. Only as it relates to the use of symbols, I can place my hand over my heart when the United States Flag passes by because I'm patriotic, because others do or because somehow it's the expected thing to do. The second two are without meaning and the first with meaning to those believing it to be. Another simple example, and closer to home, is when a person says, "I love you!" It sometimes becomes rote. Many times she will tell me she "wants to feel my body" as we lie in bed. What is she really saying? She is telling me she not only loves me but wants to demonstrate that love through actions. Don't misunderstand, I like to hear the words, "I love you!" I believe her when she says it, but it's the things she does that mean so much more.

You see, I don't have to write anything at all. It's already been written for me, for all us if we choose it. We just haven't really paid attention. Oh I could write something, but it all comes down to living the words, not just writing and reciting the words. In that sense, it's a waste of time in my opinion because I have to do what I say, not just say it.

So, my vow to my lady on the day we get married is not only to love her and all the other words written above, but certainly not by continually saying, "I love you!" I want to live those words in the traditional wedding vows through my actions giving the words, and us, life!

*****

If you want to vote, send feedback or leave a comment on the ramblings of a crazy, old, romantic fuck, feel free. Do it quickly though, I have a wedding to go to soon!