Nailing Neely Jordan Ch. 07

Extract from 'Don't Write Off Religion Just Yet', a newspaper feature by Raymond Archer.

We secularists use caricature to dismiss modern faith. We've got our list of favourites. The frothing fundamentalists, pronouncing fatwahs and shooting abortionists. The pious traditionalists, mouldering in a cloud of incense and liturgy. The grating charismatics, happy-clapping their way through a world in pain. Deluded at best and psychotic at worst, the whole shower of them. It keeps things simple, writing them all off. It means we don't have to engage, or question our own world view. In some cases our lack of one.

So what if the 'faith-head' we meet bucks those stereotypes, proving them all wrong? What if we let our guard down long enough to get to know the opposition a little and find them to be thoughtful, moderate and articulate? What if that person is better than us in every way?

I speak of course from personal experience, let me not pretend otherwise. The believer in question was inconveniently lacking in irrational prejudice and seemed too earnest to be true. I looked for hypocrisy and found none. I tried to undermine, Christ knows I did, and the only person whose shallowness I proved was my own. For a time I was their friend. I wasn't pressured to embrace their world view or their God. But I might have acknowledged that it worked for them. And that through them, it really, genuinely worked...



* * * *



17/12/10 17:45 GMT

So Ray, you finally did get around to writing that article. After our first few dates it was never mentioned again. I thought at the time it was just initial enthusiasm on the part of someone who wanted to get to know me. It didn't bother me that you seemed to discard the idea after that. Then later I looked back and realised it had all been part of your fiendish seducer's plan, cue wicked laughter. Back then, at any rate, the other side of summer.

I appreciate your sending me a copy. That means something at least. You know I even bought a copy of the Tribune to check that they printed it for real. I'd like to feel sure that you meant it all, but when a girl's fallen victim to as accomplished a liar as you, Ray, she's wary where she puts her faith.

I hope for your sake more than my own that you felt what you wrote.

Neely.



18/12/10 09:37 GMT

Dear Neely,

Thank you for reading and for acknowledging what I sent you, whatever your doubts over my sincerity. I didn't expect ever to hear from you again, nor did I have reason to. The fact that you got in touch at all speaks volumes about the girl I remember. Sending you the article was to be my final attempt at staying in contact – I didn't want to add stalking to my other crimes.

Neely, I could rehash all my apologies here in print and no doubt they'd sound as hollow as before. So I'm going to ask something I've no right to ask. If it's a flat 'no' I'll accept that and let it be. Will you meet up with me? Half an hour, cup of coffee in town. Not to ruin your Christmas – I've already caused enough ruin, I know. I just want to try and let you know that the summer didn't mean nothing to me. And that I understand what I did. I want to put things a little bit right if I can. Your call.

Ray.



* * * *



Neely loved Lemongrass organic café at Christmas. There was peppermint in the white-chocolate smoothies, nutmeg in the eggnog lattes. Shane McGowan's voice was clashing sublimely with Kirsty McCall's on the stereo in Fairytale of New York and the buzz from the thawing high-street shoppers was as warm as the winter's day was bitter. It all combined into a festive richness which made Neely frisson a little, anytime the stream of customers saw a lull. She was basking in it, gnawing surreptitiously on a gingerbread cookie, when Leo apprehended her.

"Caught you, sweetheart!" He grabbed her around the middle and squeezed. "That adds thieving to your list of sins!"

"Bugger off, you big clown!" she protested. "There. That adds swearing."

"Honestly... Call yourself a Christian..."

"I do." She shoved the rest of the gingerbread into his mouth. "Bite on that and you're accessory after the fact." It made her smile when he chomped off the gingerbread man's head.

"God, that's delicious. This guy tastes nearly as good as Graham," he grinned through a mouthful of crumbs.

"Too much information!" She swatted her tall, slender co-worker with a handy menu, then added: "So... You two spending Christmas tucked away together?"

"Mostly. He says he'll accompany me chez Jarvis on the Day itself." He looked a touch rueful.

"Wow, it's 'meet the parents' time? How will that work out do you think?"

"Mum'll be okay. She'll fuss around him to hide her embarrassment, while Dad watches the television even more intently than usual. It'll be fine I'm sure."

Neely gave his arm a sympathetic pat. "It's courageous of you. I'm proud."

"Thing is..." He dropped his voice a little. "Look, Graham and I are tying the knot in January... I've been keeping it from them. Figured they should at least meet him before I drop that little bombshell."

"What...?" A few years before, Neely would have not been altogether sure what to do with such a revelation. Now she was scandalised for a different reason. "And you're only telling me now?"

"Do you tell me everything straight away?"

Neely felt a flush of guilt. "Well... no..." She'd felt reticent about sharing anything personal, following the widespread knowledge of her crazed Ray-crush. She hadn't even alluded to the assignation she was planning later that afternoon a few streets away, most likely against her better judgement. "It's true, I don't."

"I'll be honest with you, Neely, I didn't know how... Crap, customer alert." A blast of chill air was herald to the new influx of shoppers; both of them were needed to absorb it before Leo could complete his thought. "I didn't know how you'd take it," he said, using the next respite to advantage. "I figured you might think marriage was a step too far."

"Leo!" The ascending pitch of Neely's voice alerted a few customers and she lowered her volume despite exasperation. "Why would I think that? Why would you think I'd think that? I've always been happy for you and Graham! Don't you know that by now?"

Leo appraised her warmly. "You're some kind of Christian, girl."

"I'm my kind of Christian," she insisted, still a little offended. She took her anger out on the coffee-machine filter she was replacing. "And... and Christ's kind of Christian, I think. I hope. Most of the time." She flushed a little at the visual and sensory memories stirred up by her words. "Well I'm not sure, to be honest. But one thing I know... I've never asked anyone other than me to live by my beliefs. And I've never judged you based on those beliefs. I just want you to be happy." She clacked the new filter into place and rounded on him. "And if I'm not invited to that civil ceremony I'll slap you around your daft head."

"Hey, of course you're invited! You're number one on my list." He wrapped his arms around her in full public view and whispered, "You and whatever sexy bloke you're meeting after work." She broke away and stared at him, a little bit flustered and guilty. "Well I assume that's why you keeping checking your watch. I haven't seen you do that since you were dating He Who Must Not Be Named."

"No," she protested, "it's not like that. I'm meeting someone, yes, but... not in that way." She couldn't bring herself to tell him the truth. He'd be furious with her, give her a mildly camp telling-off in front of the entire shop. "Really."

"Shame," he said, smiling sadly. "Thought you might have had someone to bring home for Christmas. A sign that you were over Ray the Rotter."

"I am over him," she insisted. "Totally." Did she protest too much? she wondered. It had been a fantasy of hers to bring Ray back to St Albans for Jordan-family introductions, long before Christmas. But that time of year would have been so perfect. "I wouldn't have anything to do with him again."

Leo stared at her, as though trying to discern her meaning. "I wasn't suggesting you would. Neely, he hasn't been in touch again... It's not him you're..."

"Leo..." She felt a little trapped.

Her friend was predictably appalled. "If you're thinking of meeting him, that's just a bad idea. I remember the state you were in a few months back, and..." His train of thought was momentarily halted, eyes flicking past her. "And in case you needed a reminder, you've got a customer..."

Neely followed his stare towards the entrance and her heart felt a little shock. Jasmin had set foot in her former place of work. The ex-work-and-roommate was standing furtively in the doorway, her sleek figure bundled up against the sub-zero temperatures in a padded red jacket. She seemed like she was shivering more from nervousness than the cold snap. It wasn't like she and Neely hadn't spoken since the July meltdown – a phone-call some weeks after had thrashed out at least some of the business between them – but face-to-face instantly caused a rush of unpleasant memory, for both of them Neely was sure.

"Timely appearance, I'd say," Leo muttered, casually wiping the counter.

"I know it is. I asked her to call in."

Neely watched silently as Jasmin approached the counter, hesitancy in the girl's demeanour and her dark eyes. She pulled back her hood to reveal the pretty petite features which had no doubt helped enamour Raymond Archer. To Leo, in whose spare room she had spent several weeks before more permanent relocation, she nodded briefly. Then she smiled in rueful greeting at Neely. "Hi."

"Hey there." A difficult pause spooled out between them. Neely tried to muster up a tone that was more than just business-like. "Ehhh – glad you could make it. Get you something, Jaz?"

"Well..." Jasmin looked mournful, as though she were terribly out of her depth. "I... I'm a bit early. If you want I can come back in a bit..."

"No, don't be silly," said Neely, taking pity on Jasmin in her one-time friend's embarrassed plight. "You'll freeze your ass off out there. I'm clocking off in ten minutes, so get yourself a coffee and I'll join you."

They would have time for a much needed chat, she thought, before she set off for her other coffee date. She's made the right decision. It was salutary for her to meet the girl with whom she had been cheated on by her ex, before she sat face-to-face with that same guy. The one who had popped up in her life again with such inconvenience. Her café-relief arrived on time, so on the dot of four she was able to go change into thermal leggings, jeans and sweater to guard against the cold-snap. By five past she was seated with the still-uneasy Jasmin.

"Sorry... I'm not trying to be anti-social by not joining you in a drink," she said by way of reassurance. "I'm... dashing off to meet someone in a little while." If Jasmin only knew... "But I really wanted to see you. Find out how you've been..." An ice-breaker. Weather conditions had been chilly between them long before this harsh December.

"Oh... You know, okay," Jasmin shrugged. "Got myself a bar job in Revolution down near the market. But you knew that, right?" Neely had done. The little brunette had departed Lemongrass in search of another job within days of her great confession. "And I'm still living over in Broadmead with Annette, a girl I work with at the new place." Gosh, I hope Annette doesn't bring any boyfriends home, thought Neely, before chiding herself for lack of charity. "Thinking of maybe taking some classes..." Jasmin was continuing. "I've kind of been regretting letting my studies go. Something in design maybe..."

"That would be good." Neely hoped she didn't sound patronizing, but Jaz had always needed a bit more direction in her life.

"I'm staying here over the holidays, putting in lots of extra hours at the club," Jasmin rattled on, as though scared to stop talking. "I was going to go visit some family in Thailand, but the weather's put the kybosh on that. All flights grounded at Heathrow."

"I know, I saw the news. That's a shame..."

"I suppose I just wanted to get away for a while. I mean... I've no right to say that, because you're the one who probably needed to get away." She looked terrified, as though she'd accidentally rushed into the subject-area she'd been avoiding, but clearly decided she might as well plough ahead, as though she'd been offered a one-time shot at forgiveness. "Neely, I regret what I did every day. I just felt so rubbish about it, you've got to believe me."

Neely couldn't help feeling a sympathy which outweighed the pain of the memories. She reached out instinctively and rested her hand on Jasmin's. "I do believe you, Jaz. I've already said so. I mean, let's face it... It's not like you stole an otherwise great guy from me. The thing was over, whether or not you'd told me what you did." This was what she needed to remind herself.

"I know," Jasmin moaned, looking as though she were about to cry into her caramel latte. "But I was your friend and I was supposed to be there for you when it all went down. I knew what a state you were in and I couldn't do anything to help, because I'd gone and made myself part of the problem."

"More by not telling me," Neely replied a little gravely. It needed to be said. "The other thing I might have forgiven more easily. You could have given me fair warning, but you didn't. That's what hurt more than anything."

"I know, I know... I got it all so wrong. I was such a shitty friend..."

Neely strengthened her grip a little. "Look, I had people to see me through it. I missed you, Jaz, but I had other friends. Good friends, some of them... unexpected. Leo was great. Got me through my working days here. And I'm doing okay now. I'm out of the woods more than I could ever have hoped to be." And I'm going to stay there. I'm going to stay there. I'm not going to let anything confuse me...

Jasmin's smile showed up tentatively for the first time since she'd come in. "I'm glad you're okay. Really glad. Hey, hang on a second..." Suddenly she dug into her bag, retrieving a flat, slim item gift-wrapped in glittery-pink. "It's your Christmas present. Emmm..." She looked uncharacteristically abashed. "It's something you mentioned when we chatted on the phone, after I'd picked up all my stuff. Actually I think you were maybe being sarcastic, so it kind of seems a bit inappropriate now, but... it's the thought that counts, right?"

"Hey..." Neely allowed a little warmth into her smile and took the parcel. She had a feeling she knew what the present was. "Inappropriate gifts from you to me are a tradition. Why stop that over some stupid guy? Thank you, I'll look forward to opening it. Look... I'd better make a move or I'll be late." I've got a stupid guy to see. "It was... It was good seeing you, Jaz." Surprisingly she found she meant it.

"It was good to see you too, Neely..." Clearly Jasmin believed her ex-roommate was opting out of the conversation as quickly as possible.

Neely paused. Jasmin looked even more diminutive than usual in her sadness. The truth in her earlier words occurred to Neely – she had missed her sassy irreverent friend. "Jaz... Since you're around over the holiday, why don't we meet up for a drink? Once I get back from St Albans..." It just seemed the right thing to do.

Jasmin's face lit with a glow befitting the season. "Neely, I'd love that. You mean it?"

"Yeah. I do. Hey, gotta run. I'll call you after Christmas, okay?" She gave Jasmin's hand an additional squeeze before leaving her. Sometimes you just had to act on your instincts. Neely hoped those same instincts would serve her well a little later. She caught a glance of friendly warning from Leo as she departed the café and shivered even before the icy air struck her face.

Closure, she told herself, bracing her body against the cold as she trotted down the gritted High Street. That's what this is. Didn't think I needed it before those wretched emails, thought that whole chapter was closed. I need it to be closed, especially now. Look, stupid, it is closed. I'm just reinforcing the point today. Wrapping up loose ends. That's all I'm doing...Oh Lord, it felt like the same denial in which she had dealt during the summer just past. But then that was the bastard's power, wasn't it? Luring you in with sincerity before the trap sprang shut. He'd done it once already. His betrayal with Jasmin hadn't been the worst of his crimes.

The emails and newspaper feature so nearly convinced – he simply wanted to make amends. But maybe the truth was something else. He was seeking to trump his great victory. Break her heart, then prove he could win her back and do it all over again. Tell her he wanted to set things right, then when she'd softened a little, make his hawk-like move. Back in the summertime, this was the point when she'd have phoned Danny. Tonight she had to do this thing all on her own, face up to Mr Damage himself.

The last time her eyes had rested on him, she thought as she trotted gingerly along the icy pavements, it had been through tear-blurred horror. She had hated his treachery, despised his weakness... while never forgetting the intensity of that gaze as he speared her virginity. What a terrible fusion of thoughts with which to be left. But now those other images had come creeping back and already she felt traitor to herself. Those little moments of intimacy on picnics and theatre-nights, of emotion she could not believe had been feigned. And he had been appalled that night by her discovering his plan, hadn't he?

How she had wanted to delete unopened those recent emails; but in spite of herself she had looked. Had let their words insinuate their way under her defences. So wrong. So doubly wrong... Damn it... Why did he matter anymore? He had no business in her head. Especially now...

Neely's internal debate all but blotted out the December chill as she completed her jaunt. When she arrived at Debenhams, panting out clouds of vapour, the truth hit her like stone. He was here. Waiting for her. She should just run, shouldn't she? Risk slipping on a patch of sheet-ice rather than meet with him. But no – this was necessary. Imperative. She needed to face up to Raymond Archer one last time. He wasn't the Devil after all. Just a sad game-player. One who had played his final game with her. Right? Hadn't he?

Her heart resonated through her like a kettle-drum as she walked through ladies' fashions to the escalator. Dean Martin's Walking in a Winter Wonderland barely registered in her mind; the place into which she was walking seemed one of only dread. She rode the stairs like they were carrying her to the Guillotine. He'd be there waiting placidly in the café, no doubt scenting victory the moment she strolled into his view. Only he'd be too damn clever to let it show. He'd cover it all up and sound so damn plausible. But as she wove her tentative path through Christmas shoppers towards the rich coffee smell, she knew she must steel herself against the honeyed sincerity of his words. Girl, you know this man. You of all people know him. You're not going to be a fool here. You're stronger – way, way stronger. Now... where the hell was he?

"Neely..." The hand on her shoulder made her spin around, an extra-hard percussive thump delivered to her heart.

"Shit!" She stared at her church co-worker for a moment as though it was supremely perplexing he be there. "Jonas! It's you..."

"And you were expecting... Santa Claus?" The slim, spiky-haired youth-worker looked understandably taken aback at the violence of her response. "Neels, you okay?"