From the Journal of Claire Madison
I'm writing this on Tuesday after the events of last weekend. To be sure, I took little notes about what was happening throughout, but today I am reassembling them in the hope of better understanding what happened, as it was a somewhat life changing weekend for me. With no more ado, here it is.
I'm feeling a little depressed today, mainly because today is my thirtieth birthday. I don't really have a lot else to be depressed about but then, it just doesn't seem like I have anything really going for me anymore, nothing to energize me and focus on, nothing to lift my spirits. I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and I know it's disgusting. Aside from being thirty, my life is really okay. I have a good job as a researcher for a newspaper, which I don't even really need, at least not for the money. I am a widower and losing my husband nearly two years ago left me well enough off that I don't have to work, but I needed something to do with my time. So I took a job.
One of the few bright spots in my life is my friendship with Alyssa, my next-door neighbor's daughter. Today being Saturday, she was about due to arrive for afternoon tea, a custom we started on weekend days from the previous summer when I had hired her to help me out with the gardening. I have a gardener to do that now, but Alyssa still comes by to sit with me on the back veranda and sip tea while we chat. Glancing at my watch, I saw it was nearly twelve-thirty - afternoon tea for us means right after noon, so I got up from the couch where I'd been enjoying my funk and went to the kitchen to put the tea on.
I had no sooner set out the tea, cups and some cookies on the patio table when I heard the doorbell chime. I hurried through the house and opened the door, "Hi sweetie, you're right on time as always."
I took in the sight of her standing on my porch. She had been all knees and elbows last summer, but sometimes youths mature suddenly, and that was the case with Alyssa. She was just eighteen and finishing high school but suddenly there was a young woman on my porch. She was tall but no longer gangly, but shapely instead. She had short blond hair in a bob, similar to mine, and possibly directly in imitation of me - moderate breasts, curvy hips and shapely legs, and dressed as she was in a simple pink peasant blouse and blue jean cutoffs with white deck shoes, she was really showing it all off.
"Yep, dependable to the point of being boring, that's me, Claire. You sure look hot today!" Her dimpled grin cheered me as I led her through the house to the veranda in back of the house. "So did you dress up all sexy just for me?"
I had to chuckle at that, "Alyssa I do adore you, but you are so full of shit! You must have seen me in this old print dress thirty times, and you always make out like I'm the bomb!"
"In that dress, you are the bomb, Claire! It shows off your great sexy legs, and the scooped neckline gives a super revealing peek at your freckled bosom with your inviting cleavage." She leered at my breasts, which was easy to do with her being taller than me, and then she gave an airy wave of her hand, "Besides it's green and goes well with your green eyes and red hair." she grinned impertinently.
We sat at the patio table and I poured the tea. Alyssa moved her chair around so that we were almost knee-to-knee. "Happy birthday, gorgeous! You going out to get some tonight?" She made an exaggerated effort to look me over like I really was hot looking.
I couldn't keep the smile off my face, "Full of shit, irreverent and disrespectful to your elders; really, I don't see how your mother, a decent woman, can stand you." I sat down my teacup and lit a cigarette (I only smoke during teatime with Alyssa), "And 'get some' is gosh awful irreverent and sounds nasty too. I suspect you much more likely of such behavior on a Saturday night. Speaking of, how's that boyfriend of yours, Danny, right?"
She shook her head sadly, "Claire you're only just thirty and already senile. I told you last Sunday that Danny and I broke up. Remember? The sex was good but he was just getting too serious, so I dumped him. I'm too young to get married, and lately that's all he's been able to think about. Actually, I suspect it was all brought on by jealousy." She looked thoughtfully at me, "You really don't remember me telling you about that?"
I waved a hand airily, imitating her limp wrested gesture about my dress, "Well, vaguely, but how was I to know you were serious. You're never serious about anything, Alyssa. In fact that's one of the few qualities about you that I actually find endearing." I felt myself frown a little, "And I can't remember you ever using the word sex so much before in the course of one conversation. Is there some kind of theme here? And did Danny have a reason to be jealous?"
"Yes," she said brightly with another unnervingly dimpled grin the kind you had to grin back to, "There's a theme here. Since you turned thirty today, I figured you were old enough that we have that talk that's so overdue - you know, the birds and the bees?" She waggled her eyebrows and leaned over to look down my cleavage again. "And yes, I suppose Danny had a reason to be jealous if one is given to such things. I'm not at all personally - um given to jealousy that is."
"Child you need to get your nose out from between my tits." I sat back a little baffled at her words and behavior, "Okay, I'll tell you anything you want to know about sex, but honestly, you sound like you have more experience than me. So you were seeing some other boy while you were dating Danny?" I smoothed my green print skirt as I crossed my legs. I was marveling irrelevantly at the delicacy of Alyssa's eyebrows, but I didn't miss how she seemed to try to deliberately look up my dress when my legs crossed. What the hell? I mean, I just realized that Alyssa had always seemed to eye me pretty intently, and sure she often made jokes about how sexy I was, but all of a sudden I felt self-conscious about it for some reason.
"No," she seemed to be trying to subdue a smile and actually did have her tongue in her cheek, "Not another boy, but I do have a girlfriend." She looked me using her twinkling blue eyes as if to beguile me, "Does that shock you, Claire?"
"Not at all," I lied, for some reason feeling my heart beat a little faster, "I understand a little experimenting is very common these days. But I'm afraid I can't tell you anything about that."
She nodded, still letting her eyes roam over me in a now unmistakable fashion. I felt a lot more self-conscious. "I gathered as much, Claire, and it's part of what I wanted to talk to you about." She glanced away for a moment as if gathering her thoughts, "I felt really sorry for you when Bart got killed in that car wreck but that's been nearly two years now. Have you even once had sex since he died?"
I'm usually pretty hard to ruffle but right now I was feeling down right aghast. Not being able to focus at the moment, I simply said, "No, but I don't see anything wrong or unusual about that."
Alyssa gave me a look that was both sad and sympathetic, "Well, it is wrong and it is unusual. I've sensed for some time that you really need some really good, intense sex." She smiled, "You don't date, go anywhere or do anything for fun except maybe for talking with me, and as much as I enjoy being with you, I just can't see that is enough, for you that is. I personally have got quite a lot out of sharing time with you."
I giggled nervously, "So what are you going to do about it, seduce me?" I wanted to put things on a lighter note and I thought that remark would do it.
Her clear blue eyes were gazing steadily into mine, and her suddenly naughty grin didn't really look natural on her normally innocent face, "Actually that's the plan. But as much as I think you need it, I do have to admit that I've had a crush on you for so long, I can hardly stand it anymore. So even though my basic motive is altruistic, I am betrayed by my own base lust." Then she gave me a sweet smile over clasped fingers.
I heard the words and despite the grin I could tell she was serious, but I just couldn't believe it so I said so, "Alyssa I really do adore you, but I'm having trouble even believing that a girl young enough to be my daughter would be attracted to me. Besides, I never even considered being with another..." I had trouble even saying it, "And I'll have you know I get by just fine without sex. I just don't think about it."
"My mother is only four years older than you, that's true. But look at you. You're a gorgeous redhead with a super body, and I also kind of have a thing for freckles on women." She sat down her teacup and leaned toward me and in a softer voice said, "I have never spent any time with you without going home afterward and masturbating while thinking about your freckled cleavage, your shapely legs and the sweet secret you hide between them. You turn me on so much; I'm getting wet just sitting here looking at you. Oh, I don't actually feel myself getting wet, but let's just say, I know that right now, if I was to look, I'd find a damp spot on my panties. Also, I'm in love with you and have been for a long time." She dropped her serious look for a moment; "Of course that didn't keep me from riding Danny's dick, nor did it keep me out of Holly's panties." Her grin was so sweet, so seemingly innocent.
I knew my face was bright red, and I was getting a little short of breath. I stalled for time. "Holly? That brunette that lives down the block?" My voice sounded squeaky to me.
Alyssa nodded, "Doesn't she have a great tan and a butt to die for?" Her gaze dropped back to my legs, "Holly has also masturbated quite a few times while thinking about what sex with you would be like, Claire, and I must say that she has such a sweet pussy that I would have to urge you to enjoy it."
I felt like I was in shock. I don't know how I got in this conversation, and I don't think I'd have been much more surprised if a flying saucer had landed in my back yard. It was all too surreal to take very seriously. "Alyssa, I'm sure you know that I care very much about you, too. But I don't know how to handle..." I made a flipping gesture, "any of this. I think I need a drink."
"Oh that would be nice," chipped in Alyssa gleefully like the girl I thought I knew, "Beer, wine, margaritas, anything would be fine, and make one for me, please!"
I stood up, not knowing how I really felt as I stepped into the kitchen. I could have used a few moments alone to analyze my thoughts, but Alyssa followed me into the kitchen. Bart had kept a pretty well stocked liquor cabinet and as I seldom drink, it still was. I stood staring blankly at the bottles when Alyssa touched me lightly on the arm and spoke softly, "You don't even know how to make margaritas, do you, Claire?"
"Haven't a clue," I sighed, trying to remember what one tasted like.
Alyssa gently edged me aside, "Then let me. I'll have us a pitcher of margaritas in a jiffy."
I stood, still in a pretty stunned state and watched her do just what she said she'd do, "A jiffy? I don't think I've heard that word in a long time."
"Yeah well," she shrugged with a giggle, "I'm trying to talk like old folks do, for your benefit, you know? Make you feel more comfortable - that sort of thing." She found some champagne glasses in the cabinets, added some ice, and poured two margaritas. She handed one to me, made a toasting gesture, and we both sipped. "I love you very much, Claire," she added softly with a little smile.
At that moment, I realized that I loved her too, and had for a long time. The truth is, she was about the only person I spent any time with these days, and I had often wondered what she got out of our relationship. I replied honestly, "I love you too, Alyssa. But I am definitely not going to have sex with you. Not today, and not any other day. In fact never with a woman at all. I'm afraid I'm old fashioned enough to find the whole idea a little icky."
Alyssa shook her straight blond hair and giggled as she grabbed the pitcher of margaritas, "Let's go sit down on the couch. You know, I've always enjoyed the decor in your living room." She led the way, and I followed, not knowing what else to do. My voice had been firm enough, but I don't think she was taking my decision seriously.
As we sat down on the couch, I decided to reiterate, "Maybe you're right about my needing some sex, and I will admit to feeling a little hollow lately, like I needed something new in my life, but turning into a - a lesbian just isn't on the list of possibilities. I hope I am making myself clear, Alyssa, and I would prefer it if you would acknowledge that."
She took another sip from her drink and set it aside on the coffee table. "Oh yes, I hear you, Claire, believe me, I do." I took a gulp of my margarita that finished the glass. I put the glass on the coffee table, and she refilled it. I left it there. She gave me a shy smile, "But you really don't have much choice. You've gone without sex so long that the moment I touch you, your legs will turn to water and you'll be totally helpless and at my mercy."
I had to laugh at her confidence, and suddenly it was all so funny that I couldn't believe she had ever been serious at all. She laughed too, and for a few moments we just sat there giggling like two schoolgirls. "So," I grinned, "I'm supposed to just hike up my skirt and you're going to go down on me, just like that?" We giggled some more and I picked up my glass again. We both had a few more sips of our drinks interlaced with fresh outbursts of giggling.
Still chuckling Alyssa said, "No, I don't expect you to make such a gesture, but if you did, I guarantee you that I wouldn't hesitate to pull your panties down and push my face between your legs. By the way, I've always fantasized about something. Do you have, you know, red pubic hair?"
I was a little taken aback by the question, but couldn't see the point of lying, "Yes, but sweetie, I'm not going to show it to you. In fact, I can't believe we are sitting here discussing my genitals at all!"
She sipped the rest of her drink and set it aside, "Oh but it is such an exquisite subject! Do you think I'm attractive, Claire? Have you ever wondered what I might look like naked? Be honest, now!"
I sighed, trying to think honestly about it, "I guess so," I admitted slowly, "No, I mean of course you're attractive, but if I've imagined you once or twice without your clothes it was more of an appraisal thing - you know the way women check each other out - you know, it's more of a measuring the competition thing, not because I am interested in seeing you naked." She was still looking at me, so I added, "Okay, I'm sure you would be lovely naked, but I'm sorry, it's just not my thing."
"So you aren't turned on even a little at the idea of making love to me?" Her blue eyed gaze was very steady, but she seemed so damned confident that I would have to say I was attracted at least a little. I felt flustered for some reason - maybe because I did feel compelled to be truthful, and things got even worse when she added, "Doesn't the thought of looking down at my face between your legs excite you just a little."
I knew I was turning red again, my face felt like I was looking into an oven, and in a way I was, even though the oven had short blond hair and blue eyes. "It is impossible not to be a little turned on by all the pictures you keep putting in my head, but..." Alyssa slid much closer to me on the couch and brought her face to within a few inches of mine, and I nervously continued, "And I guess there might be something to what you said about going without sex for so long that I do feel a little vulnerable, but..." And she kissed me. I don't know how I didn't expect it, but somehow I didn't, so I didn't stop her or pull away or dodge or anything. It was a very soft kiss, like her lips just barely touching mine, and it wasn't open mouth or anything, but it just blew me away.
And it wasn't a quick kiss, either. We just sat there like a moment trapped in a photograph, with our lips barely touching for several long seconds before she pulled back. But she didn't pull back far, in fact her lips still brushed against mine as she whispered, "You have the most beautiful green eyes, Claire." Then she kissed me again, this time a little off center of my mouth, which seemed really nice and kind of beautiful for some reason. Then she sat back maybe half a foot and just gazed into my eyes. We sat that way for a minute, just looking at each other. I felt I should say something but I couldn't. It was like those two brief, light kisses had paralyzed me or something. I realized my breathing was a little on the heavy side, so I concentrated on controlling it.
I don't know why I was having so much trouble admitting to myself that I was turned on, and I mean very turned on. I felt totally out of control, and while that was a frightening feeling, I still felt like I couldn't move like a deer paralyzed by the headlights coming straight for it. Alyssa reached out and took the glass out of my hand and set it beside hers on the coffee table. She turned back to me and smiled warmly, "You look almost as turned on as I feel, Claire. I take it you like my kisses."
I actually did open my mouth to deny the obvious, but she used that moment to kiss me again, and this time it was a real kiss, only a little firmer, and this time her tongue flicked into my mouth and touched my tongue briefly. I felt myself sinking back against the couch as her arms encircled me and I began kissing her back. I really couldn't help it; I was so swept away by the intimacy and the passion of the moment, and I couldn't remember ever being so sexually aroused. Her tongue teased at mine until I followed it into her mouth. In the back of my head a part of me was saying that I couldn't really be making out furiously with a young teenage girl, a very pretty girl who was using her hands to lightly stroke my breasts, but oh yes I was - I so was!
It was feeling my nipples harden against her palms that somehow gave me the strength to push back gently on her shoulders, "No, please, Alyssa. We have to stop. Please?"
"Your breasts are so firm," breathed the blond, "And so much bigger than mine. Touching them is so terrifically exciting! I've always wanted to touch you like this, Claire!" And she kissed me again, and I let her because I was getting so aroused, so aroused that with a mental blink of shock I realized that I was not only kissing her back, I had my right hand on her breast and could feel her nipple hardening against my palm. Part of what shocked me was how much I enjoyed cupping her firm young breast in my hand, and how clearly I could see myself suckling at her firm young nipples in my mind. She wasn't wearing a bra underneath her pink peasant blouse and the thought excited me as my fingers plucked at her firm nipple.
I managed to pull my mouth free for a moment, although my hand was still on her breast, more like molded to her breast, "Please, Alyssa, we must stop this now, and I need your help, I don't think I can stop you on my own." If I wanted to stop so much why couldn't I pull my hand away from her breast.
"My darling, my darling," she murmured between kisses, "I need this from you as much as you need it from me," I could feel her fingers unbuttoning the front of my dress while she was kissing my neck and ears, "Darling Claire, I love you so much, and I need to fuck you, darling."
She couldn't have known what an erogenous zone my neck and ears were for me, but she was making full use of it even as I felt my legs spread a little for her, and she wasn't even touching me there yet, "Fuck," I murmured, tasting the word like I'd never heard it before, "Mmm, fuck," I panted. With my dress unbuttoned to the waist, she slipped her hands inside and moved them around to my back where she deftly unfastened my bra. She kissed me on the mouth passionately as she pulled my dress and bra down over my arms. Bare from my neck to my waist, she ran her hands lightly over my breasts, tweaking at my nipples between the bases of her fingers, her tongue dancing delightedly with mine inside my mouth.