New Beginnings

James looked at the letter as he took it from the envelope. "I don't understand. What is this?"

"It's the results of a DNA paternity test. You were the subject and as you can see, we are not related."

The only sound in the room was Jessica's sobbing. Wendy was looking from James to Jessica not knowing who to comfort first. In the end she settled on Jessica.

James was in shock. "I don't understand. If you're not my father, then who is?"

"I think it was a bloke called Donald Wilson. He and your mother were very friendly for a while, too friendly for my liking. She assured me there was nothing to it. They seemed to fall out around the time your mum became pregnant. Six months after you were born, he died in a car crash."

"So, how long have you known? According to the date, I was two when this test was done."

"I suspected the truth within a couple of months of your birth. Neither of us had blue eyes and we both have dark hair. When your eyes didn't turn brown or even green, I realised you probably weren't mine. It kept eating away at me. I had to know. When paternity tests became affordable, I had you tested."

"For all those years you knew and you didn't do or say anything. Why?"

"A boy needs a father and we needed a child."

"So just like that you decided to bring up another man's child and say nothing to anyone about it for twenty-five years. Didn't you think that I had a right to know?"

"Let me ask you something, James. In the first twenty of those years, did you ever feel unwanted or unloved? Right up to the point when you decided to collude with your mother in deceiving me, did you ever feel less than my beloved son?"

"You know I didn't. For what it's worth, I didn't know what was happening. Mum told me she was arranging some sort of surprise for you."

"The way I see it, James, your mother's still your mother, your father's dead and you've had the benefit of a stepfather for twenty-five years. Unless you are saying that I shouldn't have given you that, get off your high horse and accept it."

Wendy interrupted us in an attempt to calm things down. "Derek, I think we could all do with a cup of tea. Why don't we go and make one while James and Jessica get over the bomb you just dropped."

I took Wendy out to the kitchen. We were confronted with a scene I never thought I'd see. The sink was full of dishes. The worktops were dirty and liberally sprinkled with empty bottles. Wendy and I looked around us before looking at each other.

"Sorry, Wendy. Looks like a clean-up is top priority."

She stood in front of me, threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly. "I said yesterday, you weren't the man I knew. I take that back. Any man who's been through what you have for all those years was bound to go a little crazy. You really should have gone for temporary insanity."

She pulled my head down and kissed me. "Right, Derek, let's get stuck in"

We cleared the work surfaces of bottles and washed them down before making a start on the dishes. An hour later we returned with the tea. James and his mother sat together on the sofa with their arms around each other. Wendy served the tea to Jessica who looked her up and down.

"Derek has been very remiss in not introducing you. Are you his girlfriend? Look after him. He needs a good woman."

"I will if he'll let me."

My nervousness had made me forget the protocols. I introduced Wendy as my friend.

"I think she is more than that, Derek. You look at her the way you used to look at me. Before I threw it all away."

"You're right, Jess. She is more than a friend. She is the best thing to happen to me in more than five years. But we aren't here to discuss me and Wendy, are we? You wanted to talk to me so what did you want to say?"

We sat silently drinking our tea. Jessica trying to get her head sorted ready to say what she needed to get off her chest. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and spoke.

"Derek, James has made me realise that there is no chance of you coming back home."

"It's not my home any more, Jess."

"Please don't interrupt, Derek. This is hard enough. I'd like to try to explain, as much as I understand it myself."

She paused and then started again. "It's not enough, but I am sorry for what I did to you. I've tried to understand why I did it because I really do love you. I suppose that must be difficult to believe. You see, I've always been able to compartmentalise my life, almost as if I had more than one life. In the compartment with John Preston, you only existed as a sort of abstract concept, a sort of notional husband. In your compartment, he was just a faceless person who was your boss. When I was with him, I'm sorry to say I never thought of you. When you and I were together, I never thought about him.

"Of course, there was a sort of in between time when I balanced the two, and that was the only time I felt guilty about what I did to you. I felt guilty, Derek. Really I did, but it was such a turn on. The man had power over you and me. They say power is an aphrodisiac and it is. He had the power to make me available for him by ensuring you were always out of the way. The fact that he wanted me was enough. I said he used his position to force me into it but he didn't have to force me. I just said that to try to get him to drop the assault charges."

"So there was no love there then?"

"None at all, Derek. It was just sex and the excitement of doing things I shouldn't with a man with power."

"So why did you lay on top of him to protect him from me?"

"That was to protect you from yourself. I've never seen you like that. I thought you were going to kill him. I didn't know you were streaming it out to the internet. I thought if he wasn't too badly injured, we could say he had an accident."

"You took a hell of a risk. I might have hurt you too."

"No, you couldn't do that, Derek, not you. No matter what state you were in, you wouldn't hurt me."

"Preston would never have said it was an accident."

"If I was the only witness, he wouldn't have had much choice, but you had to send it out on the internet. Why did you do that? Did you hate me that much?"

"I realised most of the college management must've known what was happening. I wanted to make sure Preston and the rest of them couldn't wriggle out of it. So, I made sure there were plenty of witnesses. They couldn't deny it happened once the video went out on the internet. I wasn't aiming to hurt you but at the time, I didn't really care if I did. I didn't intend to attack him. I just sort of lost it."

"Well, if you wanted to hurt the college management, you certainly succeeded. Even the head of I.T. services got fired. The college was taken over by Amblesham College. You should have read my letters, Derek. You destroyed them all. I couldn't get a job either. I had to go temping just to make ends meet."

All of a sudden, James joined the conversation. "Perhaps Dad wouldn't have lost it if it was the first time you'd betrayed him but you'd already done it before when you fucked my father."

Jessica snapped back at him with a force she didn't look capable of. "Don't you ever call that bastard your father. He was just a little shit who was happy to get his end away, but ran a mile when he found I was pregnant. Things got very tense in our marriage at the time due to our failure to have children. When I met Donald, I was easy prey for anyone who could offer a friendly shoulder. He offered me sympathy and made me think Derek didn't really want children. He gradually worked his way into my knickers.

"I thought I loved Donald and I thought he loved me, but I was wrong on both counts. When I became pregnant, I thought he'd be pleased and leave the wife he said he didn't love. Instead he wanted me to pass you off as Derek's child and carry on as before. I realised he didn't love me. I was just a bit on the side for him. I told him I never wanted to see him again and I never did. I'm glad he died because then he'd never try to claim you as his. When I told your father, Derek, your real father, was overjoyed and couldn't wait to be a daddy. I had no idea that he knew."

James was left in limbo and I have to say I felt sorry for him. However, I still found it difficult to forgive him, not for being someone else's son but for colluding with his mother to deceive me. Emotions were running high and it was getting too much for me. I had to bring it to an end.

"So Jess, you wanted to see me and now you have. Where do we go from here? You must realise there is no way back for us."

"I suppose you're right, Derek. I had hoped I could make it up to you but I can see that's a tall order. I wonder, could we possibly be friends?"

"That depends on you, Jess. I don't have many drunks as friends."

"I'll get cleaned up, Derek. I will. I've got a place on a residential programme to get dried out. If I stay off the booze for six months, they'll consider me for a liver transplant."

"Do you think you'll manage it?"

"I'll try, Derek, especially if we can be friends. I know you don't feel you can come and see me but can I write to you? Will you read my letters?"

"You write em and I'll read em, Jess. I can't promise anymore."

We wound things up and I got back in the car for the long drive home. At first it was a quiet ride. Wendy repeatedly squeezed my leg or pressed her face to my arm. When we pulled into a motorway service centre, we started to chat. It was small talk at first while we decided whether or not to eat there. When we decided we would and sat down, Wendy decided to get to the point.

"Do I know everything now, Derek? Or is there any more to come out?"

"Only what happened in prison. I haven't told anyone about that and I probably never will."

She reached out and squeezed my hand. "Was it really that awful?"

"I did things in there I was pleased about but I also had to do things I wouldn't normally have dreamed of. However, my life was a lot better than many."

"Do you think you will ever be friends with Jessica?"

"I don't know. I'll try. That's as much as I can say right now."

"What about James? You dropped quite a bombshell on him today."

"The ball is in his court now that he knows the truth. It's up to him to decide what he wants to do."

Wendy reached across and took both of my hands in hers. "You know you made me very proud of you today, don't you?"

"Well, I do now." I smiled at her. "Do I get a reward?"

"I'd say there is a very good chance," she said with a grin.

We finished our meal and walked back to the car with our arms around each other. I was indeed rewarded that night and for many the following nights.

Jessica's first letter arrived after her first week in the rehab centre. She found it difficult to live without alcohol but expressed a determination to see it through. She couldn't resist some words of apology but made no further attempt to persuade me to go back to her. I was impressed and wrote back offering encouragement.

For three months we exchanged letters, each one more cordial than the previous one. I began to believe we could be friends. She got out of rehab, gained a bit of weight, and found herself a job. She still had health issues and was still on the list for a transplant. I was hopeful for her recovery. It came as a surprise when the correspondence came to an end. Things had seemed to be going well and then she didn't reply to my letters.

I was surprised at how it affected me. I felt she had let me down again. Wendy tried to keep my spirits up. She told me there was probably a good reason for it and she would be back in touch sooner or later.

The first snow of winter came on the first day of December. By the following weekend we had two inches of white stuff covering the landscape. The estate staff had cleared the paths but the grass and all the surrounding landscape changed to the sort of view you see on Christmas cards. I had finished my Saturday morning classes. Walking out into the quad, I was taken completely by surprise. James was leaning against the wall of the arch and greeted me as I came out of the lab.

"Well, Dad, even in the winter it still looks beautiful. One hell of a place to hide out."

"James, you know the whole story now, so you know we are not related."

"Look, I know what you said but Mum was right. It doesn't matter whose sperm did the job. You are the only father I have ever known and I think you did a damn good job. So no matter what you say, I will always think of you as my dad and I'm sorry I let you down."

I put my arm around his shoulders "For what it's worth, you're still the best son I ever had."

We started to walk down the path towards the cloisters.

"Jessica hasn't written for a while. How is she?"

James stopped and put his hand on my forearm. "She's dead. She died last Friday of multiple organ failure. They thought it was a urinary tract infection but then her kidneys packed up. While they were trying to stimulate them, her heart stopped. After the first heart attack she signed a Do Not Resuscitate agreement. She couldn't face a lifetime on dialysis and they wouldn't do her liver unless they could find a kidney as well."

I stopped and looked at him. I saw the tears coming to his eyes as I felt them welling up in mine. There were no barriers between us now. We threw our arms around each other and openly wept. We stood for several minutes, locked in an embrace with our bodies shaking as we sobbed. I fought back the tears as I pulled away from him and dried my eyes with a tissue.

"Why didn't she tell me? She didn't have to die alone."

"She wasn't alone, Dad. I was with her."

"So why didn't you call me? She knew I'd forgiven her. I would have come if you'd called me."

"That's why she wouldn't let me tell you. The reason the letters stopped is because someone let the papers know she was writing to you. She got a visit from a reporter. With the anniversary of the event coming up, he wanted to find you. Mum was determined that she wouldn't be the cause of any more misery for you. She knew you couldn't be a teacher with a criminal record so either the school hadn't checked or you had obtained one by fraud. If that got out you'd be finished, again. She wouldn't let it happen and told me I was not to contact you."

"After all this time, they are still stirring it up? Are you sure?"

"Oh, yes, I'm sure. The slimy bastard sought me out as well. Tried to tell me he wanted to tell your side of the story. Mum told me it would only be bad for you. I know it's hard to believe after what she did but she really did love you."

"You're right. It is hard, but I am grateful for yours and her consideration. I did love her. After all those years, I can't just turn that off. When's the funeral?"

"Tuesday, but don't even think of turning up. You can't take the risk. If you're not there, our friendly reporter may just give up."

I put my arm around his shoulders as we turned and walked back towards my flat. "Come on, Son. Let's see if Wendy can rustle up some lunch for you."

"I think we're way ahead of you there, Dad. Emma and I got here about ten. She and Wendy have been working on lunch for a while. They went shopping about ten thirty."

We reached my front door and I let us in to an empty flat. I got a beer for James and myself. We sat on the sofa drinking while waiting for the girls to get back.

"So, Dad, what happens to us now? Mum was the only link between us, yet she's gone. What happens now? Am I ever going to see you again?"

"Don't get me wrong, James. Wendy didn't imagine Jessica was going to die, but she asked me a similar question on the way back from our visit. We may not share the same DNA but I always thought of you as my son and loved you like my own. As I said before, all those years of love can't be turned off, but it had to be your decision. So the question is, James, what do you want to happen?"

He sat and sipped his beer. "I don't want anything to happen. I want Mum's death to change nothing. Like she said, you are my real father. I will always think of you as my dad, and I want you to always think of me as your son."

"If that's what you want, then that's the way it'll be," I said as put my arm around him. We both struggled to keep the tears from our eyes as we held each other. We were still locked in an embrace when the door opened and Wendy came in.

"Well, it looks like you boys have come to your senses."

James and I parted. I got up to help with the shopping. Emma followed Wendy into the flat. She saw me, let out a scream and ran towards me.

"Oh, Derek, it's so good to see you. It's been a long time, far too long." She stepped back and looked at me. "You are looking very well. This place must agree with you."

I looked her up and down. My son certainly had good taste. She had shoulder length, honey blonde hair, blue eyes, plump lips and high cheekbones. Her breasts seemed bigger than I remembered and as my gaze moved down I saw the reason. Her normally trim figure now had a prominent bulge in the front.

"I see you've noticed Derek junior. Isn't it great?"

I smiled at her. "Derek junior? Are you serious?"

"If you don't mind. James wanted it and I agree. We love you, Derek. James was heartbroken about what happened to you. He loved Jessica too, so what happened tore him apart. As soon as we found out we were having a boy, James wanted to name him after you. Please say it's alright with you."

What could I say? It was fine by me. The three of us sat down to chat while Wendy prepared the lunch.

The atmosphere at the table was strained, a sweet and sour affair. The tears of joy at the reunion of our family mixed with the tears of sadness at Jessica's passing. I found it hard not to be able to attend her funeral, but her reasons were sound. For the first time since that fateful night I came to realise I had forgiven her. I still couldn't understand why she did it but I had to accept, in some strange way she did love me. Perhaps if I didn't turn up to the funeral, the press would leave me alone. Wendy certainly thought so because she started making arrangements for Christmas.

"James, I'm sorry but I really hoped Derek would spend Christmas with me and my daughters. What I would like is to come to you for New Year. It would be like a new beginning for us all."

Emma was overjoyed. "Wendy, I think that's a great idea. We can have my parents for Christmas and then you and Derek for New Year."

James moved on to practical subjects. "The house is all yours now. You need to give some thought to what you are going to do with it. Then, of course, there's the money."

"Money? What money? I thought she was broke."

"The union launched an action against the college for sexual harassment. They settled out of court for forty thousand pounds. She wouldn't touch the money because she knew it was a lie. But once she started the action, she couldn't back down. She had intended to give you the money when you got out of prison to help you get back on your feet."

"I can't deal with that now, James. I'll have to think about it."

We did spend Christmas with Wendy's daughters and I was made very welcome. Both were pleased their mother had found someone. We got to Ditchling late New Year's Eve morning. I talked to James about the house and the money. We agreed he would handle the letting of the house. I had rented a flat on a short term contract. Just long enough to get a utility bill so I could set up a bank account. As soon as the account was set up, I gave up the flat and did everything through the internet. James said he would get the solicitor to transfer the funds to my new account.

"You know, James. Just like your mother, I don't want the money. It's tainted."

"Well someone has to have it, Dad, unless you want the bankers to have it."