New Year's Eve: Jealousy

I had plenty of money left from the cruise, so I went to the Pointe West. The steak place out back was still open, so I hurried over there after putting my stuff in my room. The steak was incredible: the food in Europe was great, but I'm a meat and potato guy at heart. I ate and sweated. Drank some wine, ate and sweated. I finished the bottle and asked for another, which I wound up taking back to the room.

Lying in bed I started thinking. I had no idea what I would find. Marie, shit, I didn't know. If my sudden erection meant anything, I guess I still felt something for her, at least something physical!

My brother, David? Fuck! He was dead! But I did have one feeling for him… jealousy, the goddamn green eyed monster! I fell asleep, deep sleep!

Morning brought sunshine, breakfast (steak and eggs), and a realization that I had gained… a lot! I brought swim trunks in the gift shop and swam for a half hour. I was proud of myself! I was doing great! And then I swam up to the bar and started on Margaritas! Well, maybe tomorrow I'd cut back.

It went like that for a week: steak at night, swimming during the day, and gradually less, and less booze and more and more swimming. I felt adrift. I felt alone. I felt… jealous of my brother! And I hated and loved Marie at the same time.

Finally, after a week, I called my lawyer and made an appointment. I showed up early, but didn't have to wait too long.

"Chance! How the hell are you? I thought you were never coming back!"

"Well, Donald, there were days when I thought seriously about that. I stopped by the house and saw the 'sold' sign. What's up with that?"

"Well, you took off and told me to do whatever I had to, so I did. It took me a while to get hold of Marie, Jeez! I called your folks and they gave me number for her parents. I called over there, but they wouldn't tell me where she was. I guess they are pissed with you! They did say they had the kids and that they were fine and Marie was seeing them regularly. Did you know she is living in Sedona now?"

"Don, I haven't talked toanybodyfor three months!"

"Anyway, when I finally talked to her she sounded kind of upset! I asked her what was wrong, but she didn't answer. I told her about the account changes, but the bank had already talked to her about that. I asked her what she wanted to do about the house."

"She asked me 'When is Chance coming back?'"

"I told her what you said, 'in a few months.'"

"She responded, 'Well, I don't think either of us want to live there anymore, so sell the damn thing!'"

"Well, I did. Jesus, it was a hot property! Closing is tomorrow, and you'll net about three hundred grand after closing costs. It's set up to put half in each of your accounts, is that okay?"

Thinking about Sedona, I mumbled, "Yeah, that's okay."

We talked for a few minutes, and finally I asked if he had a phone number for her.

"No, but she will be here for the closing tomorrow. Hell, you don't need to, but you can come if you want."

"No, just tell me where it is and I might show up. I'll call you for sure when I get an apartment."

Since money didn't seem to be a problem, that afternoon I leased a really nice place in Carefree. It was a house, but the owner was in Europe for a year. I figured by that time I'd know what I wanted to do.

RETROSPECTIVE ONE

New Year's day, early.

"Damn!" David thought. That fucking Chance screwed up everything. His mind wandered, "I've wanted Marie since I first saw her but never thought it would ever happen. Then last night things just evolved and she really wanted to be fucked! Then Chance screwed things up."

Thinking about it some more he remembered how tough his brother was. "Shit! No broad is worth this!"

Waking up Ann, who had drifted off to sleep on the sofa, he said, "If Marie or Chance calls, tell them I'm not home. If either of them, particularly that damn slut Marie comes to the door, donotopen it!"

He dragged her upstairs and they slept the sleep of the dead!

RETROSPECTIVE TWO

When Marie woke up on New Year's Day, she remembered all that had happened the evening before. Looking in the mirror in the bath, she flushed violently! Putting her hands over her face she started crying. She felt dirty! She had betrayed Chance! Oh God!

Standing in the shower she went over in her mind what had happened… "I really screwed up! I don't know what happened. The whole evening was weird! I played the slut and that's not who I am. I've really screwed it up with Chance, and I'll never be able to face Ann and David again. I'm just thankful Chance stopped it when he did."

Finishing the shower, she looked some more in the mirror as she toweled off: "This is Chance's body," she thought, "I don't know what I was doing with David. I didn't think I had that much to drink! I know I was horny as hell, but damn! I just can't remember how it happened!"

Getting dressed she walked down to breakfast. Chance was standing there, looking at her. "I can't face him! I don't know what to say." These thoughts, and others, ran through her mind. Seeing him on the stairs, she just couldn't look at him. Fixing and pouring some coffee she sat down at the breakfast table with the mug, watching the coffee swirl around in it, staring at it as if it had answers. She sure as hell didn't!

Sitting there she heard Chance saying something… she looked up and stared at him, her mind blank! "I'm going crazy!" she thought, as she stood and walked up the stairs, hearing something smash as she was halfway up.

She stayed upstairs until she got hungry, slipping down for a sandwich, but not seeing Chance.

"God, I've lost him! I've lost his love… I've lost everything. I can't talk to him; I don't deserve him."

The rest of the day, she stayed in her room, berating herself. She knew her husband was downstairs, but she just couldn't go to him.

"Why?" she asked herself, "Why can't I go down and talk to him. Maybe he will forgive me?" But she never had the nerve to reach out, a little afraid of him.

Deciding early the next morning, ("happy fucking New Year", she thought!) that she would just slip away. "It's better that I leave. I'd rather do that than have him throw me out. I know there are going to be bitter feelings and I don't want to make it worse. I know he will want to know why but I don'tknowwhy!"

She packed a small suitcase and started down the stairs. She saw Chance on the landing, his arms reaching out, and her heart broke! She couldn't turn to him. She totally forgot about David.

Driving away, she remembered that her roommate from Tucson owned a B&B in Sedona with her husband. "Maybe she can put me up for a few days?" she mused.

When she arrived at the B&B, her old roomy, Candace threw her arms around her. They had always been best friends. Marie started crying and Candace took her arm and led her back into the office.

"What's the matter, Marie? You look so unhappy!"

"Oh, Candace! I've messed up and lost Chance!"

Marie explained to Candace all that had happened.

"Marie! You have to call him. Talk to him! I know he loves you."

"I can't," Marie sobbed, "I've lost him!"

The day after New Year's, she called her office and begged for some time off. She called her mom explaining she had some problems with Chance but refused to give any details. Her mom agreed to pick up the kids from their other grandparents and watch them for a while.

A few days later, Candace and her husband, James, offered her a small room in the back with meals and a small stipend if she could cover the desk at night.

"There's really not much to do, but someone has to be there. If a guest has a problem at night, or comes in late, or calls to make a reservation, someone needs to be available. We know it's not much Marie, but it gives the day to yourself and you can decide what you want to do."

Marie really liked this. At night she would read or think about Chance. Some nights she would write him love letters, telling him how she loved him and how badly she felt. They were never sent. During the day she would hike a lot, the country was incredibly beautiful. Some nights, one or another of the guests would try to hit on her but she would just smile and shake her head.

She tried to call home a few times, maybe a hundred! Two hundred! She couldn't count. The phone would just ring. She started going down to Sun City to see the kids once a week. The first trip she stopped by the house and saw that Chance's stuff was gone! She collapsed on the bed crying, heartbroken, for hours.

Finally, after a month, she got a call from Phoenix; it was Chance's lawyer.

Marie started talking to him but broke down and started crying. Finally, pulling herself together, she asked what he wanted.

"Marie, I don't have too much for you. Do you know how hard it was to find you? We finally found a girl from your work that had been in your sorority at the U of Arizona in Tucson and she told me about Candace being your best friend, and about the B&B. I did talk to your parents but they wouldn't tell me where you were… did they give you my message?"

"No, they just said that Chance's lawyer called. I assumed it was for a divorce, so I never asked anything else."

"Anyway, Chance gave me power of attorney and said to take care of things. I talked to the bank and they said you knew about the new accounts, but what do you want to do about the house?"

"Oh! How is Chance? Where is he? Did he ask about me? Did he start divorce proceedings? Oh, God! Tell me about him!"

"Marie, I'm sorry, all he told me was to take care of things. He didn't say anything about divorce, he just said he would be gone for a few months, and he would call me when he got back. That's all I can tell you."

"I'm sorry, I'm not thinking clearly. What did you want?"

"Marie, we need to decide about the house. He didn't say specifically, but I don't think he cares about the house. My sister is looking for something in that school district, and if you want we can do it without an agent and save you and Chance an lot of money!"

It struck Marie that she and Chance would never live there again!

"I guess… I guess, well what do you think?"

"I really don't think Chance cares! He left me power of attorney; he is not here. What doyouwant to do?"

"Your sister really likes it? Oh, go ahead and sell it! I don't know what's right. I don't know what Chance wants (except it's not me, she told herself). Go ahead and sell it!"

"Okay, give me the fax number where you are and I'll send the offer as soon as we can get it prepared. I have all the account info for depositing the closing amounts, half in each account. All you have to do is sign the papers at the closing."

"Donald, has Chance said anything about a divorce?"

"No, Marie, he gave me power of attorney for all the financial stuff and a divorce if you wanted one. Do you"

"Oh, Donald! God, no! Please let me know if you hear from him."

Marie felt like a chapter in her life was closing but she didn't know what else to do!

Life continued, somewhat surprising Marie. Hints of spring came early to the high desert country. She had gone skiing with Candace a couple of times, having fun in the lodge in the evenings. When someone would approach Candace, Marie would tell him "Poor girl, ever since her husband died of aids, she doesn't feel like going out anymore" or a similar story.

If a guy approached Marie in the bar, Candace would say "Don't bother the poor girl, she's been down in the dumps since her husband beat the crap out of that guy she was dancing with!"

They had fun making up the stories, giggling more than the drinks would cause, and laugh, as the guys would run away. Candace realized it was good therapy for Marie, and would go to great lengths to make her smile.

Finally, the day came to go to Phoenix for the closing. Marie had mixed emotions, "I guess it's good to finish this. I do need the money. I need to get on with my life."

THE CLOSING - CHANCE

The closing was at a mortgage broker in Scottsdale. I got there early and looked around. Next-door was a small restaurant. I hadn't had lunch so I asked for a window seat in the front. I was looking right in to the parking lot in front of the office. "Damn," Chance thought, "Should I go on over there?"

About five minutes before the hour I saw Marie arrive, get out of her car, and go into the office. She looked good! At exactly three, I saw Donald and his sister and her husband (I had met them at a wedding of one of Donald's cousins a few years ago) park their car and go inside.

I sat there, fidgeting with my Gin and Tonic, then a second one, for about thirty minutes. Finally, I saw everyone come out. They stood there shaking hands for a few minutes. Then Donald left with his sister and her husband.

Marie stood there for a minute, looking lost, and then went to her car. She sat down in the driver's seat; I watched, waiting for her to drive away. She started banging on the steering wheel; viciously enough that I started out to stop her. When I got to her car, her head was down on her arms, sobbing. I stood there a minute watching her with very mixed emotions: God, she was beautiful! Shit, she was David's girl now!

Lifting her head she wiped her eyes and looking straight ahead, started the car.

Still not saying anything, I watched her. Her hair was longer, and shit! What was that… gray hairs! I was mesmerized! I didn't know what to say.

She started slowly backing out, looking in the mirror behind her and then… turning her head to the left to check that direction, looking right into my eyes!

She froze for a minute, looking at me, and whispered "Chance!"

Turning totally a deep scarlet, she recklessly backed out and tore away, almost creaming a Caddy entering the lot, and was out of there before I could react! I looked down and could see the tire track… about an inch from my foot!

THE CLOSING - MARIE

I drove down to Phoenix and had lunch at a place Chance and I used to go before we got married. I guess I was feeling lonely. I picked at my food for a while, I really wasn't hungry, and finally gave up and drove to Scottsdale for the closing.

I parked and went in; I was the first one there. The receptionist put me in the conference room and gave me some water and coffee. I didn't want the coffee; I was having trouble sleeping, and opened the water.

After a few minutes everyone else entered. If you've been to a closing before, you know what it's like! Sign this! Sign that!

Finally it was over, and Donald handed me the copy of the wire transfer.

"You know Chance is back, don't you?" he asked.

"No! Where is he! Is he all right! Where has he been all this time?"

"Marie, ease up! I don't know where he is, he stopped by yesterday and said he was looking for a place to stay, and that he would call me when he found one."

"Is he coming today?"

"Whoa, Marie! He didn't say anything. I told him about the closing of course, but all he said was that he would call me!"

"Okay, I'm sorry Donald, it's just… did he say anything about divorce?"

"No, I'm sorry Marie, I don't really know anything."

I sat there a minute, thinking. After a bit, I got up and walked out to the car. Opening the door and sitting down, I lost it. It was suddenly too much for me. Losing Chance for some drunken lust… I started banging on the steering wheel. Feeling something snap in my hand, a sudden sharp pain, I gave up and started sobbing. Sobbing… it was hysterical crying! The pain in my hand, the pain in my heart… I knew they were both broken. But the pain in my hand would heal!

Gaining control of myself, I started the car and began backing out. Looking to the right and over my right shoulder I started backing up slowly. Automatically looking to the left, I looked straight into Chance's eyes! We stared at each other for a second and then I panicked! Backing recklessly, I wheeled around almost giving a geriatric in a big car a heart attack!

Getting on the freeway quickly I drove up to the I17 interchange and went north towards Sedona. About half way there I had to pull off the freeway… my eyes were blurry. I sat there for a while, thinking, finally washing my eyes from a bottle of water. I pulled into the B&B parking lot right at sundown, on a soft, warm, and gentle evening.

CHANCE

Stunned at seeing Marie, at her behavior, her reaction to seeing me, I didn't know what to think. I went back over to the restaurant and asked for another gin & tonic. Nursing it, watching the condensation sliding down the sides of the glass to the table, I tried to figure out what was what… what was going on and what was I feeling.

I thought about calling my brother… and remembered I didn't have one. I considered calling the B&B in Sedona, but I didn't want to talk to Marie on the phone. I decided to drive up and see Marie – after a few cups of coffee. I wasn't sure if I cared that much about living, but I didn't want to take anyone out with me!

I got to Sedona at full dark. Coming into town from Cottonwood, one of the first buildings on my left was a hospital. I pulled in there, figuring I could get some coffee and ask directions to the B&B. As I started to get out of my car I saw Marie walking out the front door of the hospital with Candace, who I had met several times. Marie had a cast on her hand and wrist.

I decided to follow them to the B&B; I didn't want to talk to Marie in a parking lot. It was a couple miles down a side road, following a brook for a ways. They parked as I waited at the entrance to the parking area for a few minutes. When they went inside, I pulled into the parking lot. I sat in my car for twenty minutes or so, thinking it through. Going all that had happened, New Year's Eve, Marie and David, Marie leaving to be with him the next day, my odyssey to Europe with the sad/pleasant interlude with Muirinn. Remembering Marie's reactions earlier. She didn't seem to be with David, so I didn't really know what was going on.

Breathing a deep sigh, I got out of the car and went to the door they had gone in. Entering, I saw Candace sitting in front of the fireplace, talking to a couple guests. Seeing me she jumped up.

"Chance!" she gasped as she ran over and threw her arms around me!

She almost knocked me over… What does this mean? Why this reaction? I'd only met her a few times!

"Thank God you came! I've been so worried about Marie. She was almost hysterical went she got back from Phoenix."

"I saw you come out of the hospital. Is her hand broken?"

"Yes," Candace continued. "She is in a lot of pain, but she refused to take anything for it.

"Chance," she continued, "Marie told me everything that happened. Since she got here she has been inconsolable. I think she is almost literally heart-broken. You know she loves you, right?"

"Yeah, I know," I answered sadly. "But she chose my brother. She left and went to him, damn her!"

"Oh no, Chance! She never went there. She was so mortified at what she had done, and almost done, that she just couldn't face you! She knew she had lost you and ran away. She didn't know what to do, so she came up here."

"But I thought…"

"No, Chance, she didn't go there. She has not seen or talked to David since that awful night! She has been healing here, but her heart is dying. The last week or so she has been apathetic, turning into herself! Go to her Chance. At least talk to her. Give her that much at least."

She pointed down the hallway, telling me how to find Marie's room. I walked down, turned the corner and stood in front of her door. I could hear her, barely, through the door, sobbing. I tried to understand what Candace had told me, about Marie not going to David. I had hated both of them for three months for what they had done to me. I had drunk myself into a stupor too many nights trying to fight down the insane jealousy I had felt. It was almost too much to understand.