tagHumor & SatireNickname For Richard

Nickname For Richard

byvelvetpie©

She was being absolutely ridiculous and she knew it. But Claire was so beautiful, with her perfect figure, blonde hair and blue eyes, that she decided that this would be the best way to separate the wheat from the chaff. I shook my head and took a drink of my Heineken, smiling because a day with Claire was never a dull one and this decision would carry over several weeks.

"His name has to be Richard."

"Richard? Why Richard?"

"What's the nickname for Richard?"

I sat there dumbfounded, combing my dead grey cells for that tidbit of information. "Uh, Rich?"

"No, dumbass. It's Dick. If I only date guys named Richard, I will find the perfect dick." I'm sure that beer spewed from my nose when I laughed but she seemed not to notice, brushing her blonde hair and checking the length of the dark roots. She smiled at her reflection as if waiting for it to respond. "What do you think?"

"I think it's kinda stupid. Like that movie, The Importance of Being Earnest."

"Stupid? You really think it's stupid?"

"Claire, the name is not what's important and you know it."

"Why isn't it? Why can't I find a good dick by looking for Dicks?"

"Claire!"

"Jana, I'm serious!" She set her brush down and surveyed her figure. "The perfect dick can be mine."

"Whatever you say, Claire."

"That's why I called you here. I have five of the new guys I've been dating and I want you to help me pick one."

"Pick one for what?"

"Further dating, of course." She smiled, smoothing her hair down. "And maybe marriage."

"Oh, Claire ... "

The doorbell rang and she gave me a big smile. "Here they are!"

"All at one time?"

"Why, yes. I want to get this over and done with so that I can move on with my life."

"You make it sound like a lottery or something."

"It is." Claire grinned, batting her eyes like a silent film movie star. "A lottery for my love."

I made the gesture of sticking my finger down my throat and she laughed, heading for the door. As I watched in disbelief as five guys filed into the living room and was quite astonished to find that I recognized one of them. I couldn't help but laugh and she swept to the front of the line, introducing them to me.

"This is my best friend, Jana. Jana, This is Richard, Richard, Richard, Richard and Richard." Each one waved with a look of astonishment, glancing down the line at his fellow 'Richard'.

"We're all named Richard?" Richard the Second asked.

"Yes." Claire sat, giving her explanation. "You see, I'm looking for the perfect Dick."

"The perfect dick or the perfect Dick?" Asked Richard the Third.

"Both." She said, finishing the task of removing her shoes and stood up. "I'm going to test each one of you, then I'll make my decision."

"A test?" Richard the Fifth turned towards the door. "Fuck that. I'm out of here."

As the door slammed shut behind him, Claire looked at me, then at the remaining men. "Does anyone else wish to leave?" When no one answered, she stepped forward and took the first Richard's hand, heading toward the bedroom. "Come on, Jana. I need your opinion as well."

I grabbed a fresh beer from the fridge first with the feeling that I would need it and followed them into the back room. There, I chose a seat along the wall while watching my best friend undress in front of Richard the First. He just stood there in awe of her beauty, his mouth hanging open like a hooked fish.

"Well?" She said, offering her ass to Richard. "Whip it out." He was so nervous that he broke the zipper on his pants. They dropped to the floor and I half-covered my eyes as his prick popped out, half-hard and showing promise. "Hmm. Not bad. Okay. Now get it hard and give me a poke."

"What?" Richard the First's voice wavered and he reached down for his pants. "I can't do that!"

"Why the hell not?"

"I'm saving myself for marriage." He whimpered in a low embarrassed tone and I snickered, drawing an angry look from Claire.

"Well, then. Save yourself and get the fuck out of here."

The first Richard literally ran out of the room and Richard the second strode in, smiling in appreciation at the naked woman on the bed. Claire gave him a warm smile, beckoning him to come closer. "Take your pants off."

The smile on his face melted and his mouth open, then closed, then opened again, then finally closed. "Uh ... "

"Are you deaf? Take your pants off!"

When his trousers dropped, I could see the reason for his hesitation. His cock stood out like child's finger, rock hard and short as hell. Again, I snickered, this time, as silently as possible. Claire was less kind than I.

"Well, I was going to ask you to give me a poke, but I think I'll just ask you to leave."

Richard the Second departed, his cheeks still flaming with his embarrassment and Richard the Third came in, the bulge in his pants announcing his interest. I hoped that boded well for my friend. Claire asked him to remove his pants which he did without reluctance and displayed a hard eight-inch uncut cock.

"Ewww! What's wrong with your dick, Dick?"

"Nothing. I'm just uncircumcised."

"Ewww!" He realized that she wasn't going to get over the gross-out factor of his extra flesh and left, cursing angrily. Claire turned to me, a look of disgust on her face. "Ewww!"

"Ewww!" I echoed and we collapsed into giggles, stopping only when the fourth and last Richard strode through the door. He wasn't as handsome as the others but his smile was enough to make you forget that. He ignored Claire's nudity and presented her with a single white rose.

"Hi, Claire. I'm Richard and you're absolutely beautiful."

Claire took a deep sniff of the rose, her eyes traveling from his crotch to his face. "Thank you, Richard. Why don't you join me?"

"Dressed or undressed?"

"Whatever makes you feel comfortable." I cocked an eyebrow at her change in plan, secretly wondering if my friend's bimbo act was just that: an act. Richard the Fourth slipped off his shirt and pants, displaying a trim body and a seven-inch cut cock whose tip was already oozing shiny precum. Claire arose to her knees as she had before, giving him the opportunity to view her shaven crack and pouty pussy lips. "How about giving me a poke?"

Richard moved up behind her and bent low, giving her a sniff, then slowly licked her slit. Claire purred, spreading her legs farther open and moaned as he repeated the action a few more times, then rubbed the slimy head of his prick into her opening. She pressed back against him and he slid in easily, his hands caressing her ass, then sliding around underneath, stroking her pud. He backed up and I shivered at the sight of his veiny, pulsing rod, glistening with Claire's juices.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." He replied, slipping his pants back on.

"Then get back here and poke me again."

"Claire, I'm not a toy. If you want me, then tell me. Otherwise, I'm going home."

Claire glanced at me and I took a long swallow of beer, letting her know that I wasn't going to help her with this decision. She turned around and caught Richard's hands as he pulled his shirt on. "I want you, Richard. Please stay." Richard smiled at her and bent to give her a deep kiss, letting her know that she was his, then she turned to me, giving me with a smile. "I found my perfect Dick."

"Well, I hate to tell you, honey, but his name isn't Richard."

"What?"

"This is Greg, my next door neighbor. He's had a crush on you for the last year and a half."

Claire's face showed disappointment, turned fully on me. "Jana ... "

"Love's not in a name, Claire. Look in his eyes and tell me that it matters that his name isn't Richard."

"It doesn't." She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down into a kiss, her hands moving down and pushing the shirt off of his shoulders. "Thanks, Jana." She pulled Greg down on the bed, her fingers now working on his zipper. "It's time to try out my perfect dick."

I just grinned and quietly let myself out.

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