Nightmare Talk ShowbyArcerdo©
*TV show starting up, opening theme begins*
- Announcer: "Welcome viewers, to the 3rd episode of the newest, hottest and most spoken show on the air; Nightmare Talk Show!"
*Obnoxious background music starts playing*
- Announcer: "As all you people sitting at home know, 4 years ago creatures of the night, lore and myth came out to publicly announce their existence to the world. I'm talking about vampires, werewolves, shape shifters, ghosts, witches, wizards and so on!"
*Shocking sound effects*
- Announcer: "Naturally, this shocked the whole world to its core and people had no idea what to do or think about it."
*Background voices talk in confusion and panic*
- Announcer: "But fear not! The government has taken steps to ensure that things will not escalate more than they have. Also, starting this year we bring you our show where we will have two Representatives of each species answering questions that you, our viewers have sent us to bring you the facts over fiction."
*Background voices of interest being voiced*
- Announcer: "And now, here is our favourite host who braves life and limb... andperhaps even his soul,to bring you these answers! Here he is;
*Audience giving a loud cheer with loud applause's... with a few 'burn in hell' and 'traitor to humanity' thrown in.*
*Joseph comes out to greet the audience before giving a firm handshake to his two quests of the night. He then proceeds to sit down inhis... chair, so to speak, it looks more like a medieval throne of evil, but that's television for you. As the theme song dies down, we begin.*
- Joseph: "Welcome back to our program, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks to your support and most likely due to grace of god I am still in one piece to bring you the 3rd episode of our new show; Nightmare Talk Show."
*Audience laughing while cheering*
- Joseph: "Now last week thingswent a bit out of control when the big foot we had on the show broke out of its cage. Thankfully the Marine corps. special nocturne and mystical defence squad, (SCMDS) was on standby and we got away with... minimal damages, no fatalitiesI assure you."
*Nervous laughter from the audience*
- Joseph: "But now, for this week we bring you the pair that we have received hundreds of thousands of requests to have here on our show: Vampire and Werewolf!"
*Audience explodes with enthusiasm*
- Joseph: "Now, we have here representing the vampires a 600 year old veteran of un-life and eye candy to all you ladies; Vercardo Termile!"
*Audience is applauding, women and a few men swoon.*
- Vercardo: "Glad to be here, hideous mortals."saying that last part with a snort.
- Joseph: "And representing the more animalistic part of the pair, the heavyweight in the lycan world; Walter Masters!"
*More cheering and applauding*
- Walter: "Thank you, thank you!" Waving his hand to the audience.
- Vercardo, chuckling: "Walter, appropriate name for a mutt."
- Walter, with a growl: "Blow me, TERMITE."
- Vercardo: "I'd rather not, you might enjoy it."
- Walter: "Ever been dismembered?"
- Vercardo: "No, why?"
- Walter: "Because I'm curious if vampire limbs do indeed grow back."
*Audience is looking intently while murmuring with worry.*
- Joseph, looking a bit nervous: "Wow, look at those sparks fly. But that answers the first question on the list; 'Do werewolves and vampires really hate each other, or is it just fiction?' But now, both of you, I must ask you to settle down and wait until the show is over to settle this little dispute."
- Walter and Vercardo, in unison: "Why should we?"
*Suddenly, red dots start appearing all over the two of them.*
- Joseph: "Because the carefully hidden SCMDS snipers and assault troopers armed with silver bullets and garlic tear gas are currently just waiting for an excuse to go semper fi on both of you."
*A long, tense silence falls upon everything, until both of them back down and the red dots disappear.*
- Joseph: "Now then, proceeding onto the questions at hand. First one is for you, Vercardo."
- Vercardo, giving Walter a final glare: "Shoot."
- Joseph: "There is some confusion as to how the vampire conversion works exactly, so can you give us a clear answer?"
- Vercardo: "I can see how it would confuse your primate brains, so here is how it works; Vampire blood in itself does not convert a person, it just makes you sick due to your immune system rejecting it. But when a vampire bites down onto their victim or volunteer to feed, we release a special kind of enzymes into their bloodstream. These enzymes are what allows a person to be converted by our blood, for they break the blood down into something your immune systems do not perceive as a threat, allowing the bonding to take place and conversion to happen and voila: a new vampire is born. I don't know where the idea that just biting or blood alone works, but whoever came up with it isa f*****g idiot."
- Joseph: "Thank you for the answer but please tone down the bad language."
- Vercardo, looking around confused: "I'm morecurious aboutwhere that *beep* came from, I was told this was broadcast live."
- Walter: "Now that you mention it..."
- Joseph: "The author of this little satire story is breaking the fourth wall and is doing it on purpose."
*Everyone makes an 'aaaaah' sound.*
Walter and Vercardo in unison: "We are in a satire story?"
*Very long silence follows.*
- Joseph: "... Anyways, there is actually a follow-up question to you Vercardo: Are vampires truly sterile and if so, are the stories about half-vampires false?"
- Vercardo: "How dare you mention those foul, disgraces to our race to me!" He finished with his eyes turning red.
*Everyone tenses up, Walter seems ready to pounce on him as red dots appear again. After a minute, Vercardo takes a deep breath and his eyes return to normal. The red dots disappear.*
- Vercardo, annoyed: "But since i signed that contract that I must answer questions with the network; Yes, vampires are sterile. We can still enjoy sex and oh do we ever, but the only way for us to increase in number is to convert people into us. But... since I just gave it away, half-vampires do exist." He continues while gritting his teeth: "Sometimes even with our enzymes or if the vampire blood isn't potent enough, a humans immune system is strong enough to abort the conversion half-way through. This leads to a being that is neither human nor vampire; they don't have any of our weaknesses but are pitiful weaklings in comparison to us. If you want to know more about them, find one and ask for I refuse to speak another word about those wretches."
- Walter with a smirk: "I knew you were a racist."
- Vercardo: "Go lick your ass, raisin balls."
*Both snort, not taking the bait this time.*
Joseph: "... Moving on, this one is for you, Walter: Is it true that werewolf's are... energetic, in bed?"
Walter, laughing: "So people are curious about this walking sack of dusts origins but when it comes to us that is the first thing they want to know? I love your race... but to answer your question: Hell yes, and if there are any takers I am more than willing to come over and demonstrate."
*Audience makes a loud 'oooh' voice and some are actually shouting things like: 'I'm free today' or 'my friends been curious about that'. Vercardo makes a gagging noise though.*
- Joseph, laughing: "Down boy, down! Well, with that out of the way, here is a follow up to you as well Walter: Is Werewolfism hereditary or is there another way?"
- Walter: "Well obviously it is hereditary but yes, there is another way... not a pleasant one though; If you are bitten by a werewolf during the full moon, then when the next time it is full you will turn into one. We don't want this to happen though because with those cases there is a high chance that person will lose control of themselves and become mindless beasts. This would involve transforming at random, black-outs, sensory overloads, loss of rational thought, etc. So if you have been bitten by a feral werewolf during full moon, contact one of our emergency centres right away."
- Joseph: "Wow, dark."
- Vercardo: "Where's my violin?"
- Walter: "Don't you mean where's my head going to be in 10 seconds?"
*Vercardo just snorts.*
- Joseph: "Anyways, here is the next question and it's for you Vercardo: What is the real reason for vampires to drink blood? We know they need it to live, but tell us in detail why?"
- Vercardo, grinning: "Finally, an intelligent question... I suppose it is true that if you give monkey enough time it will eventually write Shakespeare. But to answer your question; a vampires body is from its physiological standpoint vastly different from a humans and sadly because of this our blood is no longer capable of reproducing blood. As time passes our blood cells, hemoglobin's, etc. are slowly dying and to keep our bodies from decaying and withering away, we need to re-supply our bodies with fresh blood. Unfortunately the process of feeding on blood is... well, it is like injecting heroine but 10 times more potent. The rush, taste and pleasure from it is second only to sex so there is always a danger of becoming addicted to it. If a vampires will isn't strong enough they may lose themselves to the ecstasy of blood, turning themselves into junkies. At this point, it is just better to put them out of their misery."
- Walter, with a disgusted voice: "... they should do the same to the rest of you."
- Vercardo: "Don't push me, ass-bandit."
- Walter: "I'm sooo scared..."
- Joseph, intervening: "But isn't that a bit too hasty? Can't they be rehabilitated?"
- Vercardo: "Could you stop breathing?"
- Joseph: ".... Wha-?"
- Vercardo: "Because that is what it is like to try and detox a blood-junkie. You can stop breathing for a moment, but sooner or later, you have no choice but to breathe again or you'll die. Don't forget, vampires aren't humans, so don't think what works for you will work with us."
- Announcer: "Excuse me..."
- Everyone in unison: "WHAT?!"
- Announcer: "This is meant to be a satire story, so tone down with the seriousness already, will ya?"
- Everyone: "Oh right, right... can we cut to a commercial?"
*Commercials begin... and end*
- Announcer: "Aaaaand we are back!"
- Joseph: "Welcome back to our show, for those of you just tuning in we have here as our quests Vercardo Termile from the vampire community and Walter Masters from the werewolf packs."
- Walter and Vercardo: "Good evening."
- Joseph: "Next question... wow, this is actually for both of you: What is the fundamental difference between vampires and werewolves?"
- Vercardo: "I will start; the obvious difference is that, obviously, we don't bring home fleas or shag anything with an hole in its a** during full moon-"
- Walter: "You motherfu-!!"
- Vercardo, ignoring him: "- is that vampires perceive the 'spiritual' side of the world more clearly, we see and experience things that those who cling onto the material world can never know. In fact, even right now as I look at you Joseph, do you know what I see?"
- Joseph: "Utter confusion?"
- Vercardo, snorting: "You're funny.When vampires take over the world I'll be sure to spare you."
- Joseph and the audience: "WHAT?!"
- Vercardo, laughing: "Just kidding."
*Laughter all around.*
- Vercardo: "But seriously, when I look at you I see not only your physical appearance but I also see what goes on beyond your mortal, fleshy shell; your joy, sorrow, fear, how strong your faith is, how far you have fallen into darkness... that kind of thing. It is not easy to put into words, but that is the fundamental dfference between us and these butt-humpers."
- Walter: "Ohohoho... after I'm done ripping you to pieces, I'll take a piss on your ashes."
* Vercardo merely laughs and points for Walter to take his turn.*
Walter, with a growl: "What this ancient grampa is saying is true, Werewolves do not perceive what goes on beyond the mortal coil as well as they do, in fact, were barely do. But what we lack in those areas, we make up for with highly enhanced sense of what is going on in the physical world. Even now, my nose can pick up the smell of gunpowder from the SCMDS guns or even that one of the audience members is currently pregnant and.... that one of them, a male, is getting aroused when looking at me."
*Audience gasps in wonder.*
- Walter: "My instincts are also picking up danger from the said guns that are being aimed at me, my nerves can feel the sudden movements in the air, with my reflexes I could catch a fly using just my fingers and with my physical strength I could tear a steel door down-"
- Vercardo: "Wow, compensating for something, much?"
- Walter, with murder in his eyes: "-And with my sharp, big f*****g fangs I can rip your head off!"
- Joseph: "Hey, guys, settle down..!"
- Walter: "No, not this time, I'm through listening to this pasty faced c***s remarks and quite frankly, his stench if making my blood boil."
- Vercardo: "Finally, we agree on something; being this close to one of you rabid, overgrown pubic hair balls is more unbearable than watching Twilight!"
- Walter, with an evil smile: "At least it portrayed werewolves with a slight touch of bad ass, class and accuracy than you sparkling fruitcakes."
*Audience gives an 'ouch' to Vercardo*
- Joseph, ready to hit the panic button: "Okay, let's just settle down... I admit that was a low blow but lets just be grown-ups and-"
- Vercardo, getting on his feet: "Oh really?!"
- Walter, on his feet: "Yeah, you cradle robbing ancient perverted geezer!"
- Joseph: "Oh s***, not again...!"
*Audience is preparing to evacuate*
- Vercardo, eyes turning red: "I may be centuries older than most,but at least I'm housebrokenyouover-compensatingsack of dog s***!"
- Walter: "Did you just call me a...?! You...!!!"
- Vercardo, air around him trembling with murder: "Down, puppy, down..."
Joseph, hitting the panic button: "Get animal control in heeeereee!!"
*Chaos breaks out as Walter transform into a huge wolf and charges at Vercardo while he braces himself and starts to brutally wrestle with the biggest wolf anyone has ever seen. Alarms go off as specially trained marines along with even more specially trained animal control staff come charging in with garlic tear gas.*
- Announcer: "Well, this turned into a total cluster f*** as usual but then again what did we expect by putting two mortal enemies into the same room. Anyways, we still have about 10 minutes to go but as you viewers at home can see- Wait is that? Yes that is indeed an eyeball that just hit the glass of my announcing booth, I don't know whose it is but who cares? Everyone present has signed a waver which states that the network cannot be held reliable for any injuries or fatalities that occur during the show. Wait, I signed that too so.... Well, my good viewers, I hope you tune in next week, assuming any of us make it out of here alive tonight but for now please offer your prayers for our host, Joseph Newgate whose current status is unknown and quite frankly I couldn't give a rats a** about him because I will now take off and run for my life while I still can. See you all next week... maybe..."
*The announcer flees from his booth while the ending theme song plays in the background, followed by a final message on screen:*