No Phones, No TV, and No Internet

Now, I actually have the time to think, to go for a walk, read a book, or just relax. I'm free. With no phone, no television, and no Internet, I'm finally free. I've been other people for so long, Superman, the Lone Ranger, Batman, Wyatt Earp, Elvis, Ricky Nelson, and Jack Nicholson that I can finally be myself, whoever that is.

With the world spinning at a dizzying rate, everything and everyone is out of control. If you ask me, even though this is Earth Day, especially since this is Earth Day, there's nothing that any one of us can do to save the planet. It will take a monumental effort by all of us to make even a small difference. Truthfully, that will never happen. We're doomed, maybe not in our lifetimes but, one day, Earth will be uninhabitable because of all the destructive devastation we've already done.

I lost my cable today, no phone, no television, and no Internet. Finally, I'm alive. Finally, I'm free of it all. Finally, I can live my life in the way that I choose to live it. For now, I'm just going to sit here quietly. Maybe, I'll do something that I haven't done in years, read a book or take a nap, even.

Only, what's this? It's the cable company. There's a man climbing a pole. Are you kidding me? No frigging way!

"No! Wait! Stop! Go away! I don't want cable anymore! I don't want to talk endlessly on the phone. I don't want to be chained to my TV? I don't even like Cheese Doodles. I hate that my computer has made me a perverted masturbator. Get out! Scram! Beat it! Get lost!"

Okay, I know it was wrong but, when he was ignoring me and wasn't leaving, and when I saw him on that pole reconnecting my cable, the microwaves that penetrated my tinfoil hat made me temporarily lose my mind. Already plotting an insanity defense, that's when I shot the cable guy with my BB gun. Hey, I didn't know I was going to shoot him in the eye. All those times my mother said that I'd put someone's eye out, I thought she was just exaggerating.

Unbelievable. It took the police longer to surround my house than it did for the cable repairman to show up and climb the pole.

"We have you surrounded."

"Attica! Attica!" Maybe from having watched one too many movies, I don't know why I screamed that, but I did.

"What are your demands?"

"My demands?" What the Hell are my demands? I didn't know I was demanding anything. "Today is Earth Day, the day we all take to think about our planet," I yelled to the police across the street, while not knowing what else to say, before my demands suddenly occurred to me. "These are my demands. I don't want a phone. I don't want a television. And I sure as Hell don't want the Internet."

Suddenly, I was on the six o'clock news and if I had cable, I could have watched myself. There was a viral video of me on YouTube. Again, if I had the Internet, I could have commented. The police had to use the megaphone to communicate, as I had no phone.

After my book is hitting the bookstores, No Phones, No TV, and No Internet, Ron Howard is making my movie, No Phones, No TV, and No Internet. Rumor has it that Matt Damon is playing me.

"Wow! Who needs a job, when I'll be a multi-millionaire?"

I had no idea it would be that simple. If I had known that all I had to do to get what I wanted was to demand it, I would have demanded things years ago. Without complaint and without hesitation, I had no idea the police would comply with every one of my demands. Now, here I am sitting in a prison cell with no phone, no TV, and no Internet, across from a huge Canadian hockey player named Mad Dog Jean Pierre in jail for beating up an entire women's hockey team.

Finally, when I'm not being raped, beaten, brutalized, and tortured by him, I can think. As soon as I get out of jail, I'm booked on the Oprah and Leno shows, and Diane Sawyer wants to do a one hour special, a day in my life with no phones, no TV, and no Internet. Ah, life is good, kind of, not really, not yet.

"Hey, wait one second. Let me outta here! Warden! Attica! I'll be good. I promise. Tonight is Dancing with the Stars. Who'd they vote off American Idol? Does anyone know? If you let me out, I'll even watch hockey games. Hello? Is there anyone here?"

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