Ole Onebreast

Charley let out a scream seeing the impaled axe stuck in the door near her head; Lou came out from under the table rubbing her head and screamed as she looked up seeing Charley's green facemask dripping dollops of avocado. Abby unglued the cake plate from her face and screamed seeing MlleLeLostHerCool sitting so close, the cake and icing stuck to her face caused MlleAyeCarumba to hit a high C which in turn made Og temporarily deaf so he couldn't hear Jeanne yelling at him to get off of her, which then made Lil laugh even harder until finally Cloudy yelled out to all of them to be quiet.

"Look over there, what is that hanging in the trees?" Cloudy pointed to the trees just beyond the campsite and pulled a rather large flashlight/dildo combo out from beneath her Braves nightshirt. She shone the light on a figure tied between the trees; its arms spread out and feet bound together, hanging upside down.

It was BOF!

Moving closer for a better look the group noticed her face was disfigured, her mouth was now a giant O and the toilet tissue was wrapped around her body like a mummy.

"Holy Nefertiti Batman!" cried Lou.

"What?" yelled Og.

"The creature got her." Jeanne yelled to Og.

"What about Harry Potter?" asked Og loudly?

"Hmmm." said Charley, lighting up a cigarette.

"What is it?" asked Abs, using a tortilla chip to scrape the avocado mask from Charley's face.

"Semioticly speaking, the apparent display of the body suggests a deeper meaning. The position of the body suggests a crucifixion element, yet the inversion has a darker connotation. Wrapping the body is a sort of binding ritual, ironic considering her last movements were apparently, a, well, a movement? Curiously enough is the disfigurement of the mouth. Will someone get me a towel before this idiot scratches my perfect face and mars it worse than hers?"

Charley pushed Abs away as Cloudy stepped forward and attentively examined the body strung up like a cheesy Halloween decoration.

"It is not a good thing as Martha would say, we must come up with a plan. I will draw a circle of protection and call upon the spirits for guidance."

Charley leaned into Cloudy and whispered. "I thought we smoked everything already?"

"Shhh. I'm not into sharing. Did you know that avocado brings out the color of your eyes?"

"Please, not now," said Charley, "I'm trying to be semiotic."

Fag Ash Lil brought a towel over to Charley, who graciously gave her a cigarette to make her go away.

Jeanne was visibly upset by the whole ordeal. "I feel so awful, we were playing cards not too long ago, and now she's dead. I mean, I know she cheated, but it's still not right."

"Yes," said Og, "it is a dark night."

Cloudy set about the process of a circle of protection, and threw a powder on the almost dying fire, which caused it to flare up, almost blinding the campers.

MlleHogtheLimelight stepped forward. "I may be a simple opera singer, but I know danger and evil and lip-synching when I see it. This is clearly not good, and I feel there is more to it then what we see. The feeling I get is one of a different nature, it is meant for only us and no one else. I knew there would be loss of life, but I didn't think it would be so heinous as this. No one is to go anywhere alone, we must stay together."

They all agreed it would be best to keep the group together as it was not safe at night or in the daylight. Charley agreed to let them use the bathroom in the Winnebago for a small fee.

Og came up with the idea of digging a tiger trap and using Lil as the bait. Using the pocket backhoe and bamboo gathered from the forest, they constructed the pit.

By sunrise, the pit was ready; Lil was placed gently over the hidden hole with a "This is not a trap" sign place around her neck, while the others waited, keeping themselves amused by arm wrestling and a Rock, Paper Scissors competition. Cloudy and Lou hid themselves in the woods close to the pit, camouflaged in found forest objects, and ready to spring out in the event that Ole Onebreast should appear. Cloudy had tied various shrubbery and moss about her person, while Lou duct taped a large flat rock around her body.

"Hootie Hoot", cried Cloudy, giving the signal that there was no sign of the she-demon.

"Rock" replied Lou, followed by a muffled groan as Charley perched herself on the rock to catch some of the mornings' sunrays.

Og and Jeanne went off to rest from the nights pit digging. MlleleQuiteBored was being amused by Abby's impromptu song and dance, which she performed on top of the picnic table, pluckily singing her version of the late Gilda Radnor's 'I Love to be Unhappy'. Mlle showed her appreciation by putting away her peashooter and pulling out her bongo drums to accompany Abby in a rousing rendition of 'California Dreaming'. Lil, reminding them it was getting close to noon and she was getting hungry, interrupted them. Charley flipped over on the rock, slightly squishing Lou some more and muttered. "I handled last nights feast, someone else can do this one."

"I'll do it," Chirped Abby. "I used to be a girl scout, I know all about survival"

Abby quickly ran off to the woods to gather the edible foods found in nature, putting them in her massive apron and toting them back to the campsite. Spreading the bounty before her, she place two fingers in her mouth and whistled for the rest of the group to come to lunch. After placing homemade toothpicks in the stuffed wild mushrooms, she rang the dinner bell. After a few more minutes she climbed up on the table, cupped her hands around her mouth and hollered. "Soooooooowwweeeeeeeeeee. Here pig, pig, pig. Come and get it."

They ran like a pack of wolves to the table, except for Lou, who was more like a giant tortoise with the rock still taped to her back. They were amazed at the array of fine found foods that lay spread before them. Abby decided to keep the fact that a small organic convenient store was only 200 yards away.

Charley had a quizzical look on her face. "What? You couldn't sniff out any truffles with that snout of yours? Hmmm. The béchamel sauce is okay but really, I think some fresh caught rainbow trout would have been a more complimentary lunch fare. Is this white wine or deer piss?"

The air suddenly grew still as forks were held up in mid air, chewing had ceased, and belches were stifled. All eyes went back and forth between Abby and Charley. Abs gave her sweetest Cheshire cat grin and placed her napkin on her plate.

"You are so right my dear sweet friend. In fact I did have another dish prepared but I wasn't sure if it was proper for this setting. Would you mind terribly coming into the mess tent and checking on it with me? I would hate to think I've committed a gastronomical faux pas."

Rolling her eyes and letting out a sigh, Charley followed Abs into the mess tent. Once inside, the sounds of a ruckus took place, the screeching of a cat and the barking of a dog made the others give their attention to the tent that was now visibly wobbling to and fro. Squealing tires and the smashing of glass was followed by the final sound of a loud thud.

A few moments later, Abby walked out looking quite dishevelled. Her hair was a fright, her shirtsleeve hung down torn from her shoulder, and she walked lopsided on one broken heel. She brushed herself off, spit out a tooth, smoothed her hair and sat back down at the table. The others stared at her slack jawed.

"We decided to just stick with what we have here, the decision process was very-um-extensive, so she's taking a nap. Could someone please pass the pasta salad?"

Deciding not to pursue the issue of what went on in the tent, the others went back to enjoying a lovely al fresco lunch. They talked about the possibility of the creature being smarter than they had anticipated. Could she be watching them and waiting for them to slip up? Was she that patient? They could only guess and eat, and eat some more.

As the afternoon wore on and everything had been picked over, they decided to reset the trap. Lil was once again placed over the pit. Cloudy and Lou took to hiding out, and the other's whittled erotic figures out of wood.

Suddenly an unsuspecting, but very important to the story wind came up, and blew out the campfire. The darkness quickly took over and all that was left was the sound of branches snapping.

Something was coming out of the woods!

"Have you got any spare cig...AHHHHHhhhhhh!"?

The sound of Lil's cry shrouded the noise of two bodies landing in the pit. The other's scrambled for flashlights, penlights, car lights, lighthouses, candles, flares, and matches, anything that produced illumination. Finally when a light source was found, a blinking billboard that said, "Come visit Lou, only 50 yards away," the pit was lit up like Las Vegas on a hot summer night. There was a flurry of movement. Og strained to see what the commotion was, but stayed back far enough in the event of blood spatter. A hand reached up over the edge of the pit, followed by another holding a large deflated rubber tit. Lil, with the aide of Og and Jeanne, pulled herself from the hole. She held up the fake breast and grinned.

"All will be revealed," she cackled. "Look into the hole and see your monster."

Cloudy was still trying to unglue Lou from her rock/shell, so MlleStandandWatch moved aside to let Abby, Jeanne and Og pull the 'creature' from the pit. Charley, who had finally woken from her 'nap', had wandered over to see what the carnival was doing in town. She had managed to get her eyes adjusted to the glaring lights of Lou's sex marquee in time to see the face of the campers' tormentor, the murderer of BOF, and the one who finally brings an end to this drawn out story from hell.

"Pops??? Is that you? You're Ole Onebreast?"

The gnarly pirate brushed himself off, adjusted his eye patch and felt his pockets for his pack of cigarettes. Pulling them out of his shirt pocket, he straightened one out, placed it between his lips and lit the tip. Taking a long drag, he slowly exhaled before he spoke (as it's more dramatic that way).

"Yea, I'm Ole Onebreast, I killed BOF and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling Lits."

Jeanne, the only really sympathetic one of the group came forward and looked into Pop's good eye. "Why Pops? Why murder and mayhem? Why the charade, (which she pronounced Sha-rod)."

Pops took another drag of his cigarette, which made Charley light one up, then of course Abby lit one and finally Cloudy pulled out her pipe. He glanced over at Lou who was pulling the last bits of duct tape off of her arms and legs, and nodded.

"Lo Love," then he turned to Jeanne. "Because first of all, did you not notice a bird on my shoulder?"

MlleNeedtobuttinski spoke up, "You mean the cardinal?"

"No you daft wench, Polly! My parrot Polly! That dumb bitch's cat ate my bird!"

They all turned their heads or averted their eyes giggling and snickering at the innuendo.

"You killed one of our warriors because her cat ate your bird?" cried Cloudy from a puff of smoke.

"Not just a fucking bird, bird. She killed my Polly. What the fuck good is being a pirate if you don't have a parrot on your shoulder?"

Charley took a drag of her cigarette, and then exhaled slowly, her mouth seductively forming a perfect O. The smoke rose upward, snakelike, encircling her in a shroud of grey and white. She lifted one eyebrow. "What I want to know, speaking in terms of semiotics, is why you displayed the body of BOF in such a manner?"

"What the fuck? Semiotics me arse. I threw the bitch in the tree and she got all tangled, so I said 'Fuck it all' and left her like that, there was no symbolism or any of that rubbish."

Lou pulled the last piece of duct tape off her forehead, accidentally taking her eyebrows off. "Oi!, fuck that hurts! Why were you chasing me the other day then?"

"I just wanted a piece of that fine arse of yours, I just forgot I had the costume on is all"

Abby stepped forward next, her hair blowing in the breeze of the portable fan she carried and used for seductive effect, pursing her freshly glossed lips, she spoke breathlessly looking through half lidded eyes ."So Pops? Is that why you were chasing me too?"

"No, you mad cow, you I was trying to kill. You almost left me out of this story, so to save your sorry ass; you used me as the plot twist to make yourself seem less daft. I could see you forgetting Lil or Jeanne, but me? No, the pirate should be the hero and you forgot I was even in the group."

They all moaned and groaned, throwing their hands up in the air or just spitting on the ground in disgust. Abs just looked innocently about the group as they circled her with their hands on hips or arms crossed.

"What. So you guys never forgot anything? None of you ever made a mistake?."

Lou walked up with her hand in the air ready to smack Abs again, but held back at the last minute "You bitch, you dragged us into this story, stuck us together in the woods, I had a fucking rock taped to my back and you say, 'What' with those puppy dog eyes. Pathetic."

"Hey, you ingrates! You got a free trip and some great eats, so lighten up."

They all turned and started to walk away from her.

"Don't walk away from me! You just wait, my next story will be great and you'll be sorry. I'm going to have it set on a beautiful island and there will be more sex. MUCH MORE SEX"

Abs turned back to the audience, forgetting she was in a written piece and not a play or movie. Her blue eyes twinkled with a far away look. "You'll see. Someday I'll write the greatest story ever told. It will be bigger than the bible. Oprah will beg to have it in her book club, other authors will come to me for tips, and artists will beg to do the covers. Every child will count, all will read and write, statues will be erected and special genetically altered pigeons will be bred to sit on them. There will be no more hunger or war or poverty and peace will come to all mankind."

Suddenly she heard the sound of the Winnebago starting up and pulling away. She turned and ran after it. "Bastards! If it weren't for me you wouldn't even be able to escape from this story. Get back here!

Fin.

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Many, many thanks to Charley H for taking on the task of editing a story that I verbally and physically abused her in...in reality I respect her as a brilliant writer and dear friend.