Online Crush

I first met her about 8 years ago. I met her online in a video chat room. I had met other women in chat rooms, but none that I ever really connected with. You see I've always felt a tad bit silly visiting those sites. I even assumed that I wouldn't meet anyone that I would like, although I realized that that view was indeed a bit hypocritical. Rather, I would lurk and read the dialogue, but it quickly bored me.

However, this woman was different. She was quick-witted, she was bright and she shared that same cynical view I had about what the heck we were even doing online in this chat room. I should add that she was very attractive.

We both had young families and we both were devoted parents. I think we both even felt guilty about being online and talking with each other.

You have to understand, this was the early period of online relationships. AOL had chat rooms with exotic sounding names like "Hot Tub" and "Thirties Looking for Love". Many online aficionados had probably found themselves in a chat room at one time or another flirting with someone of the opposite sex. (Or at least hoping they were flirting with whoever someone purported to be....). But for most, these conversations were rather empty and could even leave you with a sad feeling.

As I got to know this woman I found myself with one of the fastest growing crushes I could ever have imagined. I couldn't believe that it was happening. I looked forward to our almost daily chats. I found myself finding ways to be online when she could be. I even took days off from work so that we could talk unencumbered. Otherwise, our chats would often be interrupted with our daily responsibilities of family and mealtimes and tucking our children into bed.

Fortunately, the warmth that I felt was two-way. Our emails and our conversations became more romantic, more fantasy-ridden and more sexual. I couldn't wait to check my computer each morning to read her over night email and I would daydream about what I would write back almost constantly.

As these were the early days of video chat rooms our connections were almost always problematic and frustrating. But I cared so much for her that I easily got past it. Chats were ok and we usually put away our cameras.

We tentatively chatted about the possibility of phone conversations. For both of us this was a bit scary as we realized that this was a step that involved some risks. As much as I trusted her I hadn't revealed my name and address. We had all heard about situations between on-line lovers that turned ugly with a scorned partner making life miserable for their former "lover". It was also a more overt phase that was closer to "cheating" on our spouses. We finally did progress to telephone conversations and my feelings for her intensified.

Her voice was just as I had suspected. Her wit and quickness was all the more noticeable while talking in person. We were finally having normal conversations that weren't slowed down my typing. It also made her all the more real.

As time progressed we would talk about what it would be like if we met. Would it be awkward? Would this relationship, built upon computer chatting, be able to maintain normalcy? Was the connection built on a false foundation, given that it was hidden behind the false walls of a computer?

We would talk about our spouses and the lack of intimacy that we both felt. We both had experiencing marriages that lacked closeness wasn't just only sexual, but for both of us, it included a basic lack of "nearness". We both longed to be held, to be desired and to recapture some of the excitement that existed earlier in our respective courtships.

Yes, we also talked about making love to each other. I would get so aroused as we did. Her thoughts, her words and her sentiments were extremely titillating. I wasn't used to a woman who talked openly about sex and who was actually willing to admit that they loved it. That was all the more enchanting to me.

The desire that we felt for each other continued to grow. I can remember feeling my heart pounding even before she would arrive online for our regular chats. We would fantasize about a meeting in a secluded inn with a thick braided rug. We would sit cross-legged on the floor, with our knees rubbing and talk. Our conversations always flowed and I yearned to have that same experience in person.

As our knees rubbed and the wine flowed even the thought of such an experience would warm my stomach. We would talk about our first kiss. It would always be unhurried. Our lips would slowly come together. Yes it was akin to a stereotypical movie moment. But nevertheless, that moment was something I dreamed about.

I would always tell her that after that first touching of lips we would slowly pull our heads back and look at each other. Our expressions would be roadmaps to what was to happen next. Our bodies would be guiding our next moves. Our souls would be in suspended animation, as we would continue to kiss.

I used to lie in bed and fantasize about all of this. I was very much turned on by her body. You see, for me, to enjoy someone as much as I enjoyed her had to be a prelude to wanting her physically. Because I liked her so much the sexual desire was much accentuated. Her style and personality, when added to her physical attributes became a near obsession for me. I would daydream about her night and day.

At times the daydreams would be embarrassing as they might be in a slow moment at work during a meeting. I would actually get an erection at the mere thought of her. If I began to actually think more specifically about how we would make love then I was in big trouble! Staying seated behind a conference table became a regular occurrence at meeting's end.

In bed these fantasies were deeper. The long slow kisses, removing her clothes, and caressing her soft skin became passages that I never tired of visiting. Those times when we could share our mutual sexual fantasies were even greater. Damn, I would start breathing hard as we would talk or type these most intimate thoughts.

End of Chapter One