Oscar the Friendly Ogre

Once upon a time in the magical land of Paradisia. . .

Um, Mr. Narrator sir?

What the fuck is it this time Brian?

Mr. Pell asked me to inform you that we don't have any money in the budget this year to set a story in Paradisia.

Motherfucker! He sends a fucking intern to tell me we're over budget! Where the fuck am I supposed to set this story, Liverpool?

Uh, actually Mr. Pell said. . .

Go away Brian.

Where were we? Oh yes, once upon a time in an English shithole called Liverpool there lived a family of ogres. There was Gronginmax the Violator, the daddy ogre, Thokk the Foul, the mommy ogre, Carnicorix the Cruel, the biggest brother, Kearn the Avenger, the middle brother, and Oscar, the friendly younger brother ogre. Together the ogre family spent their days ravaging the countryside of England, destroying crops, raping the women, raising towns, and slaughtering the men folk. Oscar, however, did not engage in the daily orgy of bloodlust and destruction. Instead Oscar read books. Oscar loved books and learning almost as much as his brother loved rape and gluttony. For Christmas, when Oscar's brothers asked for new clubs, Oscar asked for bifocals. For his birthday, unlike his brothers who asked for new bearskins to wear, Oscar asked for a copy of Al Gore's "Earth in the Balance."

One day Gronginmax, the daddy ogre, took Oscar out to a walk by the docks.

"Oscar," Gronginmax began "you're a disgrace to all ogres everywhere. Do you know that the trolls are starting to make fun of us because you read all those books?"

"Ho ho," Oscar laughed as he adjusted his glasses "those silly trolls. Seriously dad, just because I engage in more academic pursuits doesn't mean that we ought to. . ."

Before he knew it, Gronginmax had shoved him into a boat on the dockside and cut the moorings.

"Son, this hurts me a lot more than. . . Screw it, Oscar, you're going to drift off to some far-off land, and hopefully there you will grow a set."

"But dad, I. . ."

But Gronginmax would have none of it. He walked off and let Oscar drift.

And so Oscar drifted for several weeks. Because Oscar was so smart, he lived well off the sea and was in great health when his boat finally landed in Ireland. Oscar wanted to get home as soon as he could, so he knew he had to find out exactly where he was and where to turn to go back. He came upon an unsuspecting villager catching fish by the sea, and asked "Excuse me good sir, I'm a bit lost and was wondering if you could. . ."

"ARGHHHHH! An Ogre!" The villager screamed, as he ran away.

"Hmmmm," Oscar said to himself "It must have been the way I phrased it. I'll be more careful about that next time."

And so Oscar strolled on blissfully ignorant of the mortal terror in which the people of the fair land regarded ogres. He came upon a pair of Irishmen passing a bottle of whiskey back and forth and asked "Hey good folks, could you help me? I seem to be a bit lost, not unlike Odysseus after the fall of Troy and I . . ."

"Seamus! It's an ogre!"

"Ah, you're just drunk Stephen Fitzpatrick!"

"I'm not drunk you wanker, it's fucking ogre!"

"I'm going to turn my head, and if that back there is an ogre, then the girl ye' slept with at the last barn dance wasn't yer own cousin Rose McCa . . . fuck me it's an ogre!"

"Yeah, now let's run and get the local sheriff before he breaks or necks and eats our guts."

As the two men ran off Oscar said to himself "Ah, good, an officer of the peace. He will certainly steer me in the right direction. I'll just wait here for him to show up."

And so Oscar waited, and within an hour a pitch-fork wielding drunken lynch mob of Irishmen headed by the local sheriff descended upon his position. Oscar rose and waved to the crowd and began "Ah, good to see you all, my name's Oscar and I need some direc. . ."

WHAP! The end of a pitchfork wacked Oscar across the head, knocking him half out of his senses. He looked back and in a daze muttered "What the fuck?" But the crowd kept smacking him and beating him. Oscar was beaten to his knees, placed in chains, and dragged to the local magistrate's home. The magistrate came out, and demanded "What have ye' brought here!"

"It's an ogre!" A member of the crowd replied.

"He'll eat our children." Another shouted.

"Very well. Let us chain him and set him to work at Liam O'Donnell's farm."

"HOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.

"What kind of trial was this?" Oscar demanded "I was given no access to competent council, nor was I properly Mirandiz. . ." But it was too late. The crowd dragged him off to Liam O'Donnell's farm.

Liam O'Donnell was a simple Irish farmer, with a plain wife and pretty young red headed daughter. As Oscar was dragged to the farm they spat and cursed at him, as Liam lashed at him with the whip. When Oscar was in the field, Liam threw a hoe to him and demanded "Start hoeing."

"Ho ho" Oscar laughed "Certainly you can't mean for me to do manual labor. My skills are much more in the cerebral sense of the term. I . . ."

Liam lashed him across the face with the whip and demanded "HOE!"

Oscar began hoeing as if his life depended on it. He hoed and hoed all day till his hands were blistered. When it was finally time to quit for the day, Oscar was led to a barn, and a bucket of slop was placed in front of him. Oscar pushed his glasses back up on his nose and laughed "Ho ho. I can't eat this. Actually, I don't know if you have any here, but back home in England I developed quite a taste for Salmon and. . ."

Liam lashed him across the face and demanded "Eat it you limey bastard!"

Oscar stuffed the slop in his mouth and choked it down as best he could.

The next day Liam led Oscar out in his chains and commenced farm work again. Oscar slowed a bit too much, and Liam whipped him in the face, breaking Oscar's glasses. There are a number of things you can do to a man sometimes that he will not ever notice, or even put up with. This, well, it just wasn't one of them. Oscar looked up, and with a voice quaking with rage yelled "My BIFOCALS! You philistine!" In a fit of rage he broke the chains that had been binding him, and turned on Liam O'Donnell. Liam tried to run, but Oscar grabbed him by both arms, lifted him to his face, and demanded "Why did you chain me and whip me you ASSHOLE!?"

"You're an ogre! We feared you would rape our women and slay our men folk!"

Oscar pondered this ridiculous assessment for a second, then informed him "Well I'm going to now."

And with that Oscar shoved Liam's face into the sand and began dragging it through the dirt on his way to the farmhouse. When there he hoisted Liam into the air and with a mighty roar impaled him upon a fencepost. He then broke down the door to the farmhouse, and dragged out Liam's wife and daughter. He backhanded Liam's wife, knocking her out, and clutched Liam's virginal daughter by the hair. He freed his thick, disgusting, wart-covered penis out before her terrified open eyes. Before she could even register this organ, he jammed it into her mouth. She gagged and coughed on the wretched mass in her mouth, but Oscar just drove it again and again into her mouth. Liam's daughter thought the violation lasted an eternity, but, before too long, Oscar moaned and let loose a full liter of foul black cum into her mouth and down her throat. He released her and she collapsed to her knees, vomiting and coughing from the foul load.

Oscar then turned to farmer Liam's wife. As she started to wake up he tore off her skirt and flipped her onto her belly. His now wet, glistening cock was positioned against her asshole, and driven in with one swift motion. She let out a yelp as his enormous cock pushed in like a machine, tearing the skin and feeling like an instrument of torture. As she sat screaming and wailing Oscar pounded away with his cock. Before he came again, he pulled out of her and left her to wallow in misery.

Oscar again turned to farmer Liam's daughter, still debilitated from her oral violation. He ripped off her dress and positioned himself over her chaste cunt. She let slip an "oh God!" before Oscar shoved his tremendous cock into her. She screamed at the massive intrusion, which destroyed her maidenhead and much of her womb with the size and force. Oscar thrusted away mercilessly, pounding and pounding in her broken cunt. The violation was soon ended, as Oscar shot another foul load into her formerly pure cunt.

Oscar, now free of his more gentile side, picked up Liam's daughter, grasped both ankles, and tore her in half like a phonebook. He then turned to Liam's wife and began bludgeoning her to death with her daughter's halves as though they were clubs. When he was done, he headed to the highest hill in the land, and cried out "I Oscar, son of Gronginmax the Violator, have finally learned how to kick your fucking asses! Now all shall pay!!!!"

And so Oscar the formerly friendly ogre learned how to pillage and rape and murder. And so he tortured the people of Ireland for many years to come, living happily ever after at the expense of the Irish, like most civilized people.

So the moral of the story is. . . Okay, there isn't really a moral to this story, I suppose. However, several tactical lessons can be drawn from this. First, don't make an enemy out of someone who isn't one already. President Bush, pay attention because that one applied to you. Second, if you do, you'd better make sure you finish the job, Democrats.

The End.