Out Of The Shadows Ch. 03

He looked like he was going to argue with me but I didn't give him time to get a word in. I was on a roll.

"As to being stressed, and being put into this position, I've been stressed because I didn't know what to do about you. You made this whole thing more complicated when I was already confused by the fact you turned me on, when you pretended to be my boyfriend. I know that's not what you want, and I know that we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I'd just hoped to have some fun before I return to normal life, or you get reassigned by the police, or the pair of us get beaten to a pulp and killed by the Merretts."

I watched his face go through various emotions, although I couldn't pin most of them down because his expression changed so quickly. I definitely saw him wince at the mention of the gang. I'd worked myself up so much now that I was practically shouting at him. I'd also decided what I was going to do, and I calmed a little so I could make my feelings clear.

"I'm glad we kissed because at least I know why you've been avoiding me like the plague. Now that's sorted we can go back to pretending we don't want each other. That way you can protect the both of us, and my honour, seeing as that is so important to you. I'm off to bed, and in the morning we can just forget this ever happened."

"You can do that?" he said with disbelief.

Now that I was riled I was stubborn. "Of course I can. You're probably right, I was just lusting over you in gratitude for looking after me. And you're definitely right about me deserving better."

Low blow. I could see in his face that the matter of fact way I said that hurt him a little, and I felt a perverse pleasure in doing it. In some ways I knew I was punishing myself just as much as him by pushing him away, but I was damned if I was going to beg for anything. Only a few days, I told myself. I can make sure I keep him at arms length for a few days, and then I won't have to see him again.

* * * * * *

I slept kind of fitfully. At first the nervous energy had to be released so I could fall asleep. It made me feel better when I put a chair under the door handle so I felt secure. I didn't think he'd try and come into my room, but having some sort of a lock between us still helped me relax. I woke several times, hearing unfamiliar sounds or because the bed was lumpy in places. One time I thought I heard crying, but I figured that was just my imagination. I was fairly sure that my door being tried had happened, and I lay there in fear for a short while, but nothing further came of it and I fell asleep again.

When I woke properly it was about 8, which was late for me. I decided to get up and had a quick shower and got dressed, steeling myself for a day stuck with Rob. I was determined not to let him get to me and to deal with things just as I'd said. I made a cooked breakfast for the pair of us, and surprisingly he made it downstairs without me calling him, just as I was ready to serve it up.

I glanced at him and didn't know what to make of it. Sure, that body still looked good, even covered up, and his presence sent shivers through me, but he looked like shit when I saw his face. He clearly hadn't slept well and I wondered whether I really had heard crying. I couldn't think why he would have been though, the worst thing that had happened last night was him not getting a shag. Perhaps he'd never been turned down before.

He thanked me for breakfast, but we both ate in silence. He cleared his plate before me, but waited for me to finish and then took the plates away. Then he cleared his throat and just that sound had my nerves on edge. I desperately hoped he was not going to say anything so I wouldn't have to do my callous bastard act, but it soon became clear I wasn't going to be spared.

"Alex, I need to talk to you about last night."

I stood up from the table. "We agreed not to mention it."

"You decided, I didn't agree anything."

"I think we agreed that it's best nothing happens. Discussing it seems pointless. You want to talk, find a therapist. Although, if you could talk to your boss and find out how long I'm going to be stuck here I'd appreciate knowing."

His face showed hurt and anger. I tried to focus on the anger, because hurting him was making me feel awful.

"So you're not prepared to discuss what happened, but you are going to be pissy with me about it. That's just great."

"Nothing happened."

"No. Are you pissed at me because it didn't? Or because I want to talk about why it didn't?"

"We know why. I'm done talking."

"Well I'm NOT."

I flinched at the shout. He was back to the gang member persona for a moment and that side of him still scared me. I was backing off from him when he started to look scared himself.

"I'm sorry. I just don't want things to be this way between us. I don't want you to hate me."

"I don't hate you."

"Do you still trust me?"

I thought about it for a moment. "Yes."

"You shouldn't. I haven't been entirely honest with you. There are things I need to explain so you understand what I said last night."

He looked very lost, desperate for me to let him talk, and I was torn. If I was stuck here I probably did need to know what was going on, but if it was related to last night I wasn't sure I could cope with that. I was putting up walls, but I really did want to understand him because no matter how much I tried to deny it, I really wanted him. I owed it to him to at least try and listen. I went back to the table and sat down.

"So tell me."

He smiled, but it was nervous. "Coffee?"

I nodded, and watched while he wandered round the kitchen to sort it out. I admired the movement of his body as he went and tried hard not to let it affect me too badly. I was going to stay strong while he explained what he thought I needed to know. When he sat down across from me and handed me a mug I just kept quiet and waited.

"I've been undercover on this job for nearly two years. I had a reputation from before, and they fabricated prison records that said I'd been in jail in the interim. This life, you have to be immersed in it totally or you make mistakes that can cost you dearly. That night you saw me at the club, that was one of the things I shouldn't have been doing -- reminding myself of what normal life is like. Well, normal for me, anyway. I shouldn't have taken the risk but it's really hard pretending the whole time. I haven't had sex, let alone a relationship, in all that time because it's too dangerous. Plus, you laughed at the wig and chest hair situation, imagine if I got frisky with someone and they decided to run their fingers through my hair and it came off!"

I laughed with him, but I was wondering where this was going. The fact he hadn't got laid in a long time did not explain anything about his behaviour yesterday, unless it meant he was nervous of doing something. I let him continue.

"Thing is, I wasn't even looking for anyone. My job is too intense to think about things like that, and although I felt the need to go to the club now and again it was just for the memory of the real me. I could live without a man, or sex. Like you said, it's not all there is to life."

He paused and took a long drink from his cup. It was a long time before he started talking again and I began to wonder how bad what he was going to say would be. He wouldn't look me in the eye as he finally spoke.

"Then I met you. I nearly forgot I was supposed to be a hard gang member for a moment. I'm lucky I managed to cover that look I gave you as disapproval. I probably should have made you leave when the Chief came but I needed you to know I was a good guy. I wasn't thinking sensibly, just that you had to know the truth about me."

This was starting to sound good, rather than bad. He'd not quite admitted it but it seemed he'd liked me when he'd seen me, just as I had liked him. He looked at me to check that I was still paying attention, but I couldn't wait to hear more of this story and I wasn't going to interrupt.

"I guess I jumped at the chance to get a lift from you so I could speak to you for a bit longer, but I was worried that my cover had been blown and that was on my mind. When I discovered my flat had been trashed I had to get out of there quick and you were the first person I thought of. I shouldn't have, but you were on my mind for the wrong reasons at that point. I risked your safety by running a check on you, because I have suspicions that the gang have someone in the force that passes them information. I didn't want to go to the safehouse because of that. I don't know whether the gang found your address themselves or it was me wanting the information that meant they got it. It may be my fault those guys came to your house."

"It might. But you have no way of knowing, so you should stop beating yourself up about it."

"You're not listening. I was thinking with my dick not my head. I should never have come to you."

I just shrugged. I couldn't say anything to reassure him, so there wasn't much point trying.

"Okay, irrespective of how they found out, they came to yours when I was there. You kept thanking me for saving you, and you need to know that I didn't."

"But..."

"No, let me tell you this. I heard them come in and I knew straight away what was happening. I did put in a call to the police, but I couldn't come downstairs. If they'd seen me they would probably have killed me. I let them beat you when I could have stopped it. I was at the top of the stairs listening, and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done because ever fibre of me screamed that I had to go save you but I couldn't."

His head dropped and I saw his shoulders start to shake. Shit, he really was crying. This was why he felt guilty and wouldn't accept that he had helped me, but I still believed he had. I took his hand in mine, which shocked him for a moment, but didn't seem to help him much so I started to speak softly.

"Rob, they hit me a few times and knocked me out, but you said it yourself, they would have killed you. They probably would have killed both of us so there were no witnesses. Please stop hating yourself for this, you did as much as you could and I'm fine other than a few bruises."

"Not yet you aren't. You're still in danger and I can't forgive myself for that."

"That's crap. You've helped me all the way, we're here now and safe for the moment."

He gave a kind of choked laugh. "I brought you with me because I wanted you. I hate myself for it, but I got you into this mess and I feel responsible, but the bottom line is I insisted on bringing you with me because you are the first man in years who made me realise what I was missing. When you were in the hospital, I did tell them you were my boyfriend for all the reasons I said, but also because I wished it could be true. Then you seemed so fed up about it when you woke I was sure you were straight but I still couldn't let you go."

I wanted him to smile, and I felt an admission of my own was the best way.

"I wasn't happy to hear that the 'straight' guy I had a crush on was pretending to be my boyfriend, it just seemed unfair."

"That's my problem, why I can't get close to you. I can play pretend at that, but I can't offer it. My life is too unpredictable to have a relationship with someone, especially right now. And that's why I feel even worse about what I've done so far, and what almost happened last night. I got you beaten up, brought you here under false pretences, and then I'm trying to seduce you despite you being a virgin. I feel like the biggest sleaze on the planet."

I laughed. "Seriously, you think you seduced me? What did you think when you saw my naked ass the other night?"

He looked at me puzzled, and then shocked. "You did that deliberately?"

"I wanted to know what your reaction would be. What happened last night, I was right there with you. I didn't stop it because I wanted you too. I may not have known all you've just told me, and thank you for explaining, but I knew what you had to offer. If all we ever have is a few days isn't it still worth having? Don't think for a moment I haven't agonised over this as well -- I've considered what the future could hold and the strange situation we've ended up in. But the bottom line for me is that you've been driving me crazy since I first saw you and even my fears and inexperience wouldn't stop me from trying for whatever we could have together."

He looked right into my eyes then, almost as I would, trying to see if I he could believe what I was saying.

"I'm scared that with you a few days is not going to be enough," he said softly.

I could see what looked for a moment like love in his gaze, certainly an intensity that went beyond lust and desire. I swallowed hard and took his hand in both of mine now, increasing the slight connection we had.

"I'm scared of that too. But I'm more scared of never finding out and spending the rest of my life regretting not taking the chance we've been given."

"You still deserve better."

"I want you."

It was as if my words flicked some kind of switch in him. I could see on his face that he had gone from nerves and fear to strong desire and the look in his eyes made me shudder. My cock went from vaguely interested in our conversation to upright and eager for attention. He seemed to mistake my reaction though.

"Don't worry. I won't hurt you, and we won't do anything you don't want to."

"I'm not worried. I still trust you."

This time he didn't even bother trying to persuade me I was wrong. There was clearly only one thing on this mind, and it was all I could think about as well. I was finally going to have sex with someone other than myself, and even better, with the gorgeous man in front of me who had made me hot and hard more times than I could remember just in the short time I had known him.

Neither of us made a move though. Even having agreed we were going to do this the only connection we had was our hands intertwined on the table that sat between us. I watched his thumb gently stroke over mine and wondered how such a small movement could still affect my body and make me want him even more. Did I have the same effect on him? One look at his face told me that I did, and I returned the smile he was giving me, waiting for him to make the first move.

He stood, keeping his hand in mine, but exerting a little pressure so I knew he wanted me to get to my feet as well. By the time I had control of my shaking legs he was around the table and standing beside me, pulling me into his arms. I had to let go of his hand to allow us to wrap our arms around each other, but having him in my embrace and me in his was well worth it. His body against mine was hard and warm and his arms tightening around me made me feel so warm inside and so wanted I just snuggled against him. He was only a little taller than me, but I could still get my head onto his shoulder, and I rested it there while he started to nuzzle at my neck.

The feeling of his lips and then his tongue on me sent shivers through my body and I sighed with pleasure. His attention moved and I had to turn my head so he could kiss along my jawline. I knew that he was heading for my lips and I was happy to help him but enjoying the trail of kisses he left on his way there. I kissed his cheek when I could reach that and it spurred him on to move right to my lips. God it felt good having him hold and kiss me, but I was still nervous that somehow even after all that had been said he would pull away from me again.

I drew his body as close as I could to mine, letting a moan out into his mouth when I felt his hard cock pressing into my own. I wound one hand into his hair, determined that he would not escape me this time. I was amused briefly by the thought that if he had his wig on this wouldn't have helped, but it was all him that I could feel. Not enough though, I needed skin under my hands and against mine. Visions of how gorgeous his body looked and how much I had wanted to touch it each time I had seen it flooded my mind, and I managed to work my free hand up under his t-shirt, sliding it over his soft, warm skin.

All the time he held me gently and his lips moved over mine, his tongue playing with me. The kiss was intense but still gentle as if he was savouring the moment as much as I was. As much as I felt a desperate need for him, I didn't know how to move things along and he was the one with experience. Something more would happen this time, I decided just to enjoy what touches I was already feeling and let him set the pace.

A moment later his hands were on my sides and I could feel him lifting my top up, starting to remove it from my body. I loosened my grip on him just enough to create space between us so he could strip me, but moved my hands so I could do the same to him, thinking about how good it would feel having our naked torsos together and how much I wanted to see his toned chest again. It caused an awkward moment when we got stuck, arms tangled together as we both tried to get the material up over each other's arms.

"Let me," he murmured, and I let go of him, watching intently as he pulled his shirt over his head. My eyes didn't want to leave the beautiful sight, but he had returned to my top and I was prevented from seeing him while he drew it over my head as I lifted my arms to help him. My eyes immediately returned to his chest, noting the movement as he breathed and the play of his muscles, some hidden in the blond hair that curled around his nipples and in a trail down his stomach. I wanted to follow that trail, but not right now.

I looked back up to his face, wanting another kiss. His eyes were on my body, but unlike my perusal of desire I could tell he was looking at the red and purple bruises, now starting to turn green and yellow as well to complete the colour scheme. I could tell because there wasn't lust in his gaze, just his own upset as he still felt he had caused them. I had to get that out of his mind. I stepped closer so he couldn't see the reminder of what had happened, and took him back into my arms. My head was at the side of his, and I licked and sucked his earlobe for a moment before whispering to him.

"Don't think about that. It doesn't hurt me. You need to keep your mind on the job."

"My job is to keep you safe," he replied softly, with a catch in his voice that made me realise getting his guilt out of his mind was going to be harder than I thought.

I let my tongue trail around his ear and slowly up his neck before I replied, choosing my words carefully.

"No. Right now your job is to make me moan with pleasure. Don't you want to hear me cry your name, beg you to touch me, to suck me, to fill me?"

I heard a strange moan come from him, and smiled at the thought that my dirty talk, whispered in his ear in my sexiest voice was having the desired effect. His arms came around me again and started to run up and down my back, making me shiver with my own desire. My words were working for me as well and I continued to talk to him as he held me close.

"Or maybe I'll be able to get you begging. Do some of the things I've been imagining since I met you, because I've been dreaming about worshipping that amazing body of yours. You have no idea how much I've wanted to touch you and trace all those muscles with my fingers and my tongue."

I let my hand stroke across his chest and stomach slowly as I kept up my commentary, taking the opportunity to do some of the things I had been thinking about. I could feel the hard planes and lines and it just turned me on even more to know that I finally had him to play with. As I finished my last sentence, thinking about what to say next he let out a growl, and I was suddenly pulled around so I was pressed to his front again and his lips were on mine. This time it wasn't gentle, it was needy and passionate and just incredible. I knew what I had said had caused this change in him, and I would have smiled about it if I had control of my mouth, but he was exploring every corner of it and letting me explore him back.