Past, Present and Future

When a person emerges from a very long relationship with one person, life feels very different. Small things such as deciding whether or not to go out and socialise can feel massive. In my case, I felt like a small pale animal that had been hibernating for many years, blinking outdoors in the sunshine for the first time in a while. The world felt vast, and I felt alone.

I found what I thought might be love quite by accident. My first man other than my partner in twenty years was a famous man. He was tall, wide, funny and hairy. I felt like an 8 stone doll wrapped in his great arms. We had fun, it ended, but it was an experience that I do not regret. The second man made me realise that I had not actually known real love before. I have not been able to love again since. I have tried. I have even been on a date or two which were perfectly pleasant, but came to nothing. It would seem man number two has my heart still. I will be patient and hope that I begin to feel differently over time. Time is a great healer so people say. Here is a story about love, loss and hope...

A Holiday

I recently decided to have some time away from home and my business. I never thought I would be brave enough to go on holiday by myself, but needed to clear my head and have some thinking time. I work hard in everyday life. This is in some ways a good thing as there is little time to think, but this does mean that thoughts and emotions linger on a mental shelf in the background and this is not healthy in the long run. I confess to not being brave enough to go far, or tackle the unknown, so chose to stay in a little seaside town in Dorset that I knew well from childhood.

The journey was long but pleasant. Autumn in the UK can be drab and wet, but sometimes also beautiful. The changing colours of the leaves on the trees can look stunning, and the sun was shining as I wove my way down South in my little car. I arrived at my Hotel situated on the sea-front during the afternoon, checked-in my bags and immediately decided to have a walk along the beach and the sea-front.

As I stepped out of the hotel, I paused and breathed-in the smell of the sea. I felt immediately at home, and wanted to see all the familiar sights that I had known all my life. There is something quite enchanting but also melancholy about a seaside town at rest in Autumn when there are very few tourists visiting. As I strolled, I smiled to see a host of little boats that would have been for hire all chained-up securely for Winter. The larger of the two Amusement Arcades was closed with shutters down, and the ice-cream booths on the edges of the beach boarded up. The fish and chip shop, the tea shop and main ice-cream parlour looked open however, and I made a mental note to visit each.

I stepped down onto the beach itself and studied the gentle waves. The tide was out, so I was able walk on smooth firm sand and admire the chalk cliffs in the distance. I bent to pick-up a small Winkle shell, turned it over in my hands, and put it in my pocket. I could see something brightly coloured further along the beach, and continued to walk, wondering what it could be. As I came closer, I realised that it was a child's bucket and spade half buried in the sand, perhaps forgotten about after a family picnic. The bucket and spade looked so sad and abandoned, yet so brightly coloured at the same time which seemed incongruous. Somehow the sight of these touched me deeply, and I felt a lump in my throat. I realised it was no good. I was going to have to think about him now I had the time and the space, and made my way slowly to one of the benches facing the sea. I lit a cigarette, knowing how much he would hate this, and let my mind wander freely...

Memories

I run a small plant nursery which specialises in English herbs. I have a business partner Becky, and we grow all of the plants ourselves. People come from all over to purchase unusual herbs for their gardens and we also have a successful website for both plants and seeds. People often contact us for planting and growing information to help them make the right choices for their gardens.

I met Sam when I was least expecting it. I was grieving at the time, and no longer seeing the famous man whom I thought I loved. A potential customer email arrived requesting a huge amount of information, and containing a list of questions about plants, soil and watering. It was signed 'Sam'. I sighed to myself. Becky was busy, so I reluctantly began to respond to this lengthy tome. I ended the email (which had also become lengthy), in a semi-humorous fashion, asking this man Sam if there was anything else I could do for him? Perhaps I could 'walk on water' or 'raise the dead?' I then went to join Becky with the day's watering.

The following afternoon, I checked the company emails again and saw that Sam had replied. He apologised profusely for asking so many questions, but thanked me for my helpful response. Today's question was whether we would be able to ship to the US? I replied giving him some details of US suppliers which might be cheaper as having done this once before, I knew that shipping, well flying actually would be expensive in order for plants to arrive in A1 condition. He replied again almost immediately, stating that he wanted proper English herbs for his garden, understood that there would be a significant cost, and would be compiling an order. I shook my head and smiled. Whatever...

The plant order arrived the following day. I could not believe it. With shipping costs, this man was willing to pay in excess of £1000 for plants! Was he mad? I emailed back to double-check that this was correct, and also to discuss payment methods as I was unwilling to arrange such an order unless I was 100% sure we were going to be paid. The response was immediate once more, the money paid online though PayPal, and a Dallas P.O. box given as the sending address, so I got to work sorting out the plants and shipping. Because it was such an unusually large order, I hand-wrote a little card wishing Sam every success with his herb garden, encouraging him to contact me again if I could assist in any way. He replied a few days later with thanks. This was to be the start of something I could never have expected...

Back on the Beach

I was jolted out of my reminiscence by a dog running up to me and nuzzling my ankle. The lady owner retrieved her dog and apologised. I replied that I had not minded in the slightest, and remained seated on my bench watching both woman and dog grow smaller and more distant as they continued up the beach.

I wondered how long I had been sitting, lost in my thoughts. The tide had begun to turn, so I realised it must have been a while. My stomach rumbled. There and then I decided to head for the fish and chip shop. I wondered if Sam had ever had proper British fish and chips? If not, he was missing out. I realised I had thought about him enough for one sitting. I knew I would indulge myself again, but it would hurt. I had had enough for one day.

Breakfast

I had slept well, and woke feeling only too happy to chomp a full English breakfast with copious amounts of tea. The breakfast room was cosy, but busy. I sat down alone at a little table for two, and began to think about how I might spend the day whilst waiting for my meal to arrive.

I ate well, polished off a whole pot of tea, and decided that I would take a little drive, then a walk to visit a rather special piece of cliff and headland - 'The Old Harry Rocks.' I gathered my bag and stood to leave, just as more people were arriving for breakfast. I was surprised to hear a deep American sounding accent in amongst the general chatter. Oh dear, how this reminded me of my Sam. I fled from the room suddenly feeling quite sad again, and headed straight out.

After parking my car, I began the ascent, first via a footpath, then through fields to the top of the headland. As I had remembered, the view was amazing and I was delighted to see 'Old Harry' and his wife still standing proudly, jutting out of the sea. I decided to sit as it was dry and sunny. I was glad I had dressed sensibly and warmly as the breeze was strong up there in the open. In such a beautiful place, I knew I would be able to focus my mind once more. Other walkers passed by from time to time, and I felt safe...

Memories

About a week after I had sent Sam's order he emailed again, this time to say that the plants had arrived safely and to thank me for the card. He said he had already arranged some of the plants and was really enjoying gardening. I found myself replying to him, asking about his garden and, well asking a little about him. Was there anyone to help him with this task? Did he need any further advice? He responded to tell me that no, it was his own garden, and he would be doing all the work. He must have sensed I was being a little nosy, as he then sent me a neat list telling me his age, height, hair and eye colour. This made me giggle. He was younger than me, but I sent a mock dating profile of myself to make him laugh. I sensed that he was a little 'stung' initially to be laughed at, but seemed delighted by my silly profile, and so the regular contact began.

It very quickly became routine for Sam to email me to say good morning. He was six hours behind me, so I emailed him upon waking so that he would have something nice to read when he too woke. I found myself really looking forward to reading his thoughts, or hearing about his garden, his dog, his aims in life. I sent him a photo of myself in a moment of bravery. He was delighted to see what I looked like and sent a little photo of himself on a fishing trip. He looked like just a normal nice-looking guy. When I tried to enlarge the photo, it became out of focus and grainy, so I could not get the closer detail. He offered to send another, but I said it wasn't necessary. You see I was already falling for this man. It would not really have mattered if he had two heads and buck teeth!

Sam seemed genuinely interested in me and asked me all sorts of questions. I found I trusted him, and told him a great deal about my life, my relationships, my friends and my interests. He told me a fair bit about his background too and what he enjoyed doing in his spare time. It seemed that in his work life he was quite a high powered businessman. I just liked the casual Sam - the Sam that liked to garden, liked to cook outdoors and take long walks with his dog. We began to communicate in real time via instant messaging which seemed easy and natural. The first time we messaged each other, it really felt to me that he was just sitting in the next room. I was eating my dinner as we chatted, and he said it felt to him as if we were sitting at the table together. I continued to chat to Sam without a second thought, continued to try and rebuild my life, and told him about the good days and the bad days. He realised I was going through big life changes and was always thoughtful and kind.

I remember the first time Sam mentioned that he had become very, very hard whilst messaging me. The thought of him talking to me in real time with an erection had an instant effect on me. I asked him if he was stroking himself and confessed to feeling extremely horny and very wet indeed at the thought of this. He ordered me to take my clothes off and describe myself to him. This was a new experience for me, but one I was very happy to oblige. As he told me what he wanted to do to me, I stroked myself. This man was so sexy, so gentle, but also seemed to be enjoying taking control of my mind during these few minutes. It was easy to imagine his lips exploring my lips, my breasts and my dripping pussy, taking his time, adoring my body. I could not hold off, came hard, but to my surprise immediately wanted more! I think he was a little surprised too, but now he took his time describing to me exactly how he would fuck me if we were actually together. This time, I used my dildo as he described what he wanted to do to me. I was so wet and slippery by now that it kept sliding out! Again, I found myself responding to this lovely man like I had not ever responded to anyone before. The second time, as my orgasm grew, I wondered if I would survive! He really, really wanted to make me happy, make me relaxed, make me feel desired. Oh my, it worked. Oh yes indeed...

It seemed polite after his magnificent efforts to recover myself and message him to tell him exactly what I wanted to do to him. I asked him to stroke himself whilst I described myself running my tongue over his balls, kneeling on the floor with my bare ass in the air. I imagined myself eventually (after torturing him a little), taking his whole cock in my mouth and us both watching me suck him with enthusiasm in a mirror. This sent him over the edge and he too ended up feeling very satisfied.

I think we were both a little shocked, but in a good way. After all, if we could have this effect on each other just through messaging, what would it be like if we were ever to actually meet? It felt very, very exciting...

Old Harry Rocks

I realised that hot tears were silently running down my cheeks. I was sitting in the sunshine once more on a beautiful headland in Dorset. I could not think any more about Sam as it was too painful, so I just let the tears flow and sat quietly, (and lit another cigarette).

I was jolted out of my silence by a voice.

"Hi there, are you okay?"

To my irritation the voice had an American accent. I looked up briefly to see a tallish man standing awkwardly by my side.

"Do I look okay?" was my abrupt response.

"Well, no. You look a little peaky," he replied. "I couldn't just walk by. I think I noticed you at breakfast this morning," he went on.

I said nothing. I felt mildly annoyed at being disturbed and did not want company. I certainly did not want to hear an American voice. I willed him to just leave me alone, continued to smoke my cigarette and stared at my feet. I cringed further as I sensed him sit down next to me on the grass.

"What is wrong?" he asked.

There was an uncomfortable silence. He did not move however.

"I was in love with a man once," I whispered.

"Oh," was his reply. "Was he a good man?" he asked.

"The best," I replied, standing up to resume my walk. "Thank you for your concern, but I don't want company right now," was my impolite exit.

"What is your name?" I heard him ask as I began to walk.

I pretended I had not heard and began my descent feeling both exposed and humiliated. The tears began again as I walked back through the fields and down the footpath to my waiting car. I just let them happen and allowed the breeze to dry them away.

Upon reaching my car, I felt a little ashamed. I am not a rude person by nature. In fact, I like people as a rule and the poor man was only doing the decent thing and asking if I was alright. Oh well. No point worrying about it. I drove back to the hotel, parked my car and then spent an enjoyable hour in the smaller amusement arcade that was open, feeding two pence pieces into a coin cascade with the aim of moving the coins enough to win myself the wonderful prize of a miniature rubber duck!

I returned to my room £2.50 lighter, but as the proud owner of a duck. This felt like an achievement, made me smile and so I had a bath, visited the fish and chip shop once more, then settled to read a book and had an early night.

Breakfast II

I found I had slept in a little so the breakfast area was pretty busy when I went down. Fortunately my table from the day before was just being vacated as I arrived, so I was able to park myself comfortably and order a pot of tea and toast. I was just buttering my toast when I felt a presence. I focussed on selecting some apricot jam and ignored the fact that someone was invading my space and settling themselves in the other seat at my table.

Eventually I had to look up. Oh just great. It was the American man from the previous day. To be fair, there were no other seats, but I really was not in the mood for hearing his accent again. Yes, I was taking this break to think things through and put Sam into some sort of order in my head, but hearing this man's voice was a little like putting 'salt in the wound'.

"Good morning," he said politely.

"Same to you," replied without looking directly at him. I attacked my toast and jam with vigour.

"You look as though you are enjoying that," he observed. "I think I will order the same."

"Yes, some of us skinny ladies do actually eat and enjoy our food," was my gruff response.

"Hey, I didn't mean to imply anything," he replied.

I continued to eat and sip my tea in silence.

"Are all English women this conversational?" he asked quizzically.

I felt annoyed, finished my toast and eventually felt I had to look at this man properly for the first time. I made eye contact with him and was surprised to find him smiling at me with amusement in his eyes. He had a pleasing open face which was nice to behold, but I very quickly looked away again, finished my tea, and reached for my bag. I stood to leave and muttered a goodbye.

"Hey," he exclaimed. (Oh that annoying American phrase which has caught on in the UK). "This man must have been quite something?"

I found I could not reply.

"Tell me about him," he said. "I have time to kill today and no company."

I paused again and looked at him. Despite my annoyance, I somehow felt this man was safe.

"If you really have nothing better to do, you'd better meet me at the front of the hotel in half an hour then," I replied bluntly and left.

I decided I would give this man five minutes leeway, and then go for a walk by myself if he was later than this. I stepped outside of the hotel and he was already waiting for me.

"Hi there," was his greeting.

"In England we prefer hello," was my reply.

God, why was I being such a bitch? This man had not done me any harm and had already shown me some kindness. I flushed a little.

"Sorry. I guess I lost my manners."

"I've had worse," he responded cheerily. "Shall we walk?"

We walked along the beach in silence for a good twenty minutes. It was not an uncomfortable silence, and we both sort of gravitated to a bench on the sea-front without a word.

"So, has this man hurt you badly?" he asked.

"You will think me silly if I tell you about him," I whispered.

"I'm sure I won't," he replied.

"You will."

"Try me."

I sat in silence for a couple of minutes studying my feet.

"I have never actually met him," I confessed. "There. You can laugh now."

"I am not laughing at you. I am intrigued," he replied softly. "Tell me."

"I didn't mean to fall in love with him," I returned. "It's just that we 'clicked' immediately. We got on so well. It seemed so right, so easy."

I told him a little about how I had met Sam. I looked up and the man was looking at me intently, so I continued.

"He disappeared for a little while," I explained. "I think he was a little 'blown away' at how far we had come in just a short space of time."

"He came back?" the man replied.

"Yes he did. He needed time to think things through for himself. I don't think he was expecting these feelings to appear from nowhere anymore than I was. He realised that I was recovering from a long partnership and a recent shorter relationship. He wanted to be sure that it was okay to be falling in love. He wanted to protect me and was worried that I was vulnerable."

"Were you vulnerable?" the man asked me.

"Well I suppose so," I replied. "Vulnerable does not mean stupid though. My feelings were definitely real despite me recovering from previous losses. I missed him badly when he wasn't there and hoped he was okay. I thought about him every day he was gone, but carried on with my life and my recovery."