People of Earth: We Are Cumming!

a note from the author:

One of the things I enjoy about Science Fiction is the chance to take ideas that wouldn't work in the real world and have a little fun with them. A theme I find curious is the idea that aliens are studying Earth culture via old TV and radio broadcasts they've picked up from deep space, then basing all their in-sights and observations about us from, say, 45-year old episodes of the "Lawrence Welk Show." The aliens in the movie, "Galaxy Quest," for example, take all the fictional elements of that show literally, calling them "historical documents" (they also "weep for those poor people" marooned on "Gilligan's Island").

This begs the question of why any advanced civilization capable of warp speed should choose to spend all its free time monitoring the AM radio dial, but most writers simply ignore that. Perhaps aliens are TV addicts just like the rest of us. Dave Langford had a similar idea when he had his invading aliens say, "We have long studied your Terran broadcasts and analyzed every detail of your primitive speech. Now, take us to your leader. Take us to ... Tinky Winky!" (of "Teletubbies" fame)

Another peculiar idea is that the sexiest creatures in all the universe, regardless of your species or compatible genitalia, are human women in general and white human women in particular. The fact that this trope arose in America during the 1950s and 60s is not surprising; it allowed film companies to feed into the racist fear that untrustworthy, nefarious black men were constantly trying to "abduct" (read: rape) white women. What's interesting about this is that when stories reverse this trope, when it's white men doing the romancing of hot alien babes, it is treated positively. Captain Kirk, from "Star Trek," is never portrayed as an intergalactic rapist, though his motivations tend to be no different from the alien's (read: they're both perpetually horny and have commitment issues).

This isn't going to be one of those stories.

Instead, this story attempts to answer the age-old question plaguing extraterrestrial philosophers ever since they first picked up our distant radio signals broadcasted over 100 years ago: "now that we know that there is intelligent life out there, how can we find out if Earth girls easy?"

* * *

Foolish Earthlings, hello! how are you? the weather here is good. By the time your primitive boffins and scientists have decoded this we will be among you. Some of us have argued that we should have started this letter with, "Resistance is Useless!" but that seemed a little over the top. We understand your surprise at our attempts at First Contact. No one believed that your human affairs were being watched keenly and closely by intelligences far greater than Mankind's. Yet, across that gulf of space, intellects dark and brooding (but in a sensitive sort of way) have studied your Earth for a long time, usually when you were changing and unaware that the window-shade had not been pulled down all the way. That is why we send you this declaration: We are on a scientific mission to record and sample your planet's copious stores of pornography. But do not worry, all we want to do is watch.

As you can see, puny humans, our mission to Earth is a peaceful one. We hope to learn all about you, what you enjoy doing during your free time, your measurements, whether we might get to third-base on a first date, as well as your curious custom of Bukkake and what does, "Bow Chicka Wow Wow," really mean? Our translators are stumped with that one.

You're probably wondering whether we're the sort of species that's all drool and tentacle-penises and floating brains or if we are outwardly indistinguishable from you naked apes, except with more stuff glued onto our heads, you know, like pointy ears or slightly bigger eyes. Bwahaha! Carbon-based lifeforms and their coquettish undergarments ask such foolish questions! The answer is: yes. We're a pretty laid-back and swinging species, if you know what I mean. We like long walks on the beach and deep conversations about our feelings. If you want to put together a welcoming ceremony when we arrive headed by United Nations Ambassador, Nina Hartley, that would be wonderful. But please don't include Ron Jeremy, he sort of squicks us out. Plus, if you could dress the Ambassador up like the busty, green-skinned alien from Star Trek, that would be very diplomatic, too.

Speaking of which, you may be wondering how we, a far groovier species, even found out that you puny humans spend large portions of your adult lives watching others of your kind having sex, in all sorts of exciting positions, while bad 1970s disco music plays in the background? Good question. We are aware that there is a theory on your planet that all aliens learn about Earth from ancient television transmissions accidentally beamed into outer space. We are unsure why anyone would chose to believe that, considering the quality of the TV shows that you watch, but the theory doesn't even make logical sense. 99% of all your pornos were never televised to begin with, duh. Do now you cower before our superior technology? Or do you think we achieve this amazing feat through some kind of space magic? No, we simply illegally download what we need from France (try and stop us, Nicolas Sarkozy!)

Furthermore, if your telecast programs are any indication of the problems your species have been facing with intergalactic conquests, then we want to know why it is that only the stupidest of aliens have tried to invade your planet? It is one thing to be thwarted by a large-breasted Earth Defense Force (in DD-3D Jugovision, no less!), that is an honorable sort of defeat. But to be thwarted because you are the sort of aliens that die if you touch water and you never bothered to find out before hand if the big blue planet you want to invade might be made up of -- O, we don't know -- the one substance in the universe that burns you like acid? If "BONG WATER BUTT BABES" didn't tip you off to the possibility that there was water on this planet, then what part of "SINGING IN THE RAIN" confused you? On behalf of all intergalactic warrior civilizations everywhere, we apologize, puny humans, that you've only been subjected to alien races who can't spell "moronic."

So, again, there is no reason for alarm. We are sure there is much both our species can learn from each other, especially if you send us one of the Ambassadors who starred in either, "SEX STARVED SPACE SLUTS: MARS NEEDS WOMEN," or "2069: DEEP INSIDE BARBARELLA'S BLACK HOLE." Talk about violating the Forbidden Zone!

Anyway, it is getting late here and we have to be up early tomorrow morning. Prepare for our arrival, foolish Earthlings. We are looking forward to hearing from you.

All the best, Emperor Schlong, of the planet Dildono.