Persephone's Dilemma

Sheets of rain cascaded across my windshield. The radio announced flash flood warnings for the area. Just another fine day in the valley, I mused. Unfortunately, that did nothing for my general state of exhaustion, so I heaved forward over the steering wheel.

Confusion returned as one thought emerged - Leah has given me a venereal disease. She has slept with another man. It was unthinkable. It was impossible. It must be a mistake. But the doctor had triple checked the results with the lab. The evidence led to just one conclusion: my wife of 12 years had engaged in adulterous sex and had inflected me.

I sat immobile as the minutes passed. I would have to confront her with this, but I had no answers, only questions. Who? Why? How could two people who said they loved each other be in this situation? For the first time since I was a child I cried openly.

Hours later I called Leah's cell and left a message. I spoke in a controlled voice: "Leah I've just returned from the doctor's office. I have Gonorrhea. You need to seek treatment immediately...and your lover too."

####

Leah was 36, a mother of 2, and the love of my life. We'd met on a blind date arranged by a former classmate of mine. The thought of meeting a stewardess was the hook.

I arrived early was seated near a window when she entered. She was wearing a yellow pantsuit. At 5'9'' she was taller than all of my previous girlfriends, and she carried herself with authority. Her strides and they were strides, brought attention to her long legs. She closed the distance so quickly that I barely cleared my seat as her hand was raised to greet me.

I was immediately taken with her dimpled smile. It was warm and conveyed sincerity. Her hair was cut extremely short, highlighting a very pretty face. This woman could have been a model were it not for the slightly wide expanse of her hips. Always one to appreciate a womanly figure, I thought she was lovely, and I knew right then that I wanted to know everything about her.

Our conversation flowed. She was a flight attendant and had been so since graduating college with a degree in history. She loved flying overseas but her travel came with a price. A year into the job she found herself feeling disconnected. Her schedule made it difficult to meet people outside of work. Then Joanie, our mutual friend, had mentioned this guy she wanted her to meet. Of course that recommendation went unheeded for months ...until that night.

A second date followed, a third shortly thereafter. Her schedule made our fourth more of a reunion than a date. On our sixth date we made love for the first time - a night I'll always remember.

I was nibbling on her ear while we were supposedly watching a movie. I had done this a few times before and enjoyed how much it turned her on. On this occasion she almost literally attacked me. I was caught totally off guard.

Within moments she had taken off most of my clothes while her tongue was doing a deep probe of my tonsils. Her movements were urgent so I intended to match her enthusiasm. It took a great deal of effort to flip her over so that I could gain access to her sex. I dove into her muff quickly, my tongue sliding over the full length of her slit.

Leah jerked upwards and sat up with a surprised look on her face. She was at a loss for words as I repeated the process and then she began a long moan as I found her clit. After several minutes of this I reared up to enter her. She had spread her legs at an obscene angle to accommodate me. As I progressed a few inches I hit an obstruction.

I guess my shock was evident. She was a virgin. She nodded her head and asked me to continue. She said that she had waited for me long enough, she needed me now. I was having difficulty in controlling my movements, but knowing that she was a virgin only heightened my arousal while awakening a protective instinct.

I slowed and focused on distracting her from the imminent pain. I captured her ear lobe with my lips while I pinched her nipple. When she reacted I took her virginity and paused as she adjusted to my presence.

She started to hyperventilate. I took to calming her as best I could as we began the ancient dance. When she came, her lower regions lifted my body as her arms encircled me in an embrace so tight I exhaled reflexively. She slowly released the pressure but continued to hold me too her long after I had receded from her body. When she finally let me go she began tickling my flanks. Her devilish grin only made me love her more. We slept on that couch until morning.

Leah proved to be an imaginative lover who often took the initiative: once we were blindfolded as we massaged and then coupled; on another occasion we enjoyed warm oils; on another we experimented with body paints - the last was messy but a lot of fun. Odd, but I could not imagine sex with Leah without laughter. She always engaged in lovemaking with an innocence and humor that lasted throughout our marriage. Yes, the sex was wonderful.

I realized early on that I could not live without this woman in my life. That requirement predetermined my actions. After seven months of dating I proposed, and we were married a year later.

But a marriage is about more than sex. The biggest challenge in our relationship proved to be Leah's work schedule. She was gone almost 2 weeks of every month. So while the highs from sex were fantastic, the lows when she was gone were almost painful.

We had both declared that we wanted children. This was a wish that I encouraged, because I wanted them, and because I saw them as means of getting Leah to make more time for us.

When Angela was born, Leah was home the minimum amount of time, only weeks. Then it was off to work. I expressed concerns about her schedule but she joked about how it would be good bonding experience for me.

By default I became the primary care giver. Luckily my mother lived close by, and since my father was deceased, she was more than willing to take care of Angela while I worked. Thus began my routine and my introduction to parenthood.

Three years later Amanda was born. By this time my transition to Mr. Mom was complete. I'd mastered changing diapers, potty training, and the terrible-twos. I knew every Smurf character by name and had sung with Barney on more occasions than I could count.

While this wasn't the marriage I had envisioned I had to admit that I was becoming resigned to the arrangement. My father had not been very involved in my upbringing and I had vowed not to let that happen with my children. Each opportunity to be with them was a joy. They began to have an unusual calming effect on my anxieties. I still missed Leah but her absence was less noticeable; yet I worried that the girls needed more of her time.

As Amanda neared school age I took up the subject again with Leah of her schedule. Couldn't she investigate another job within the company? Weren't there openings in the local station? Wasn't she concerned about the entire industry? Certainly the likelihood of her ever getting a pension from them was iffy at best. The airlines owed billions in unfunded pension obligations. They were all financially unstable so consolidation was inevitable, making her long term employment tenuous. It was best to make a move now.

None of these arguments prevailed. I was exaggerating the problem. I just wanted her home. This wasn't about a career change it was about her career period. I tried again on her next layover, and this time she not only responded with the same accusations but her mood darkened. We barely spoke during the next couple of weeks.

Subtlety was needed. So for the next few months I hinted at making a career change myself. I introduced her to friends who had made such moves. My mother spoke with her and her mother had similar conversations. Even my sister called her more frequently and spoke often about her job. The full court press was on.

Perhaps I should have left it be. But I was beginning to get used to her not being there for me and children and that really scared me. So instead of accepting the situation I increased the pressure. More surrogates were enlisted and they carried the same message.

Our sex life became the first casualty in this guerrilla war. Suddenly my responsive wife was unmoved by my overtures. Even out of bed she became less affectionate, more aloof and distant. Then the sex stopped.

After months without intimacy I decided to end this impasse. We sat down one evening on her last layover and I came clean. I apologized for my actions and asked for forgiveness. Solemn promises were made; I told her I simply wanted my wife back and to my surprise... she forgave me.

So our relationship returned to normalcy; that is until one routine visit to the doctor changed everything.

####

Leah came through the door shortly after six. She was quickly followed by Anne Gleason, her friend and another flight attendant. I sat in the living room facing them as they entered. I was prepared to deal with Leah, but Anne being here complicated things.

It was obvious that Leah was upset. She hadn't removed her coat and seemed to have trouble catching her breath as she approached me.

"Why didn't you return my calls? I left messages. And where are the girls?"

"They're at my mothers for the night. As for returning your calls, I said all that needed saying in my first one to you." I then remembered Anne standing there looking uncomfortable. "Anne, I don't want to be rude but can you excuse us for a few minutes?"

"I want Anne here as a witness. She's my friend and we've roomed together on all of my trips this year. She knows I was not with another man."

"Leah, I'm inflected with Gonorrhea. I've not cheated on you at any time during our marriage. So you infected me. It's that simple. You need to get treated and quickly."

"Gonorrhea?" Anne said softly as she herself eased into a seat.

"I'm sorry Anne; this was not meant for you to hear." She momentarily seemed lost in her own thoughts. I turned back to Leah as I realized she was now towering only a few steps from me.

She began shouting, "Why do I need to be tested? I'm not experiencing any problems, no symptoms at all..."

"You might not. Some people don't experience the standard symptoms and that's what makes this so dangerous"

"But Dave, I'm telling the truth. I was not with another man!"

"Who said it had to be a man?"

I was being flip but her eyes widened and I heard a sigh from Anne's direction. And then somehow I knew. I knew she had been with Anne. That realization was enough.

"She brings her lover home? What is she expecting a threesome? What kind of sick joke was this?" I thought to myself. Looking at Anne I rose and left the house heading for my car. Leah followed but I simply ignored her.

I needed time to think. I was too angry to speak, and if we exchanged yet another word I might not to control myself. I'd never hit Leah or even raised my voice in anger, but yet I was coming very close to calling her out of her name. I needed to get out of there.

I drove to my mother's house. I had an overwhelming desire to see the girls; to enter their world before I made any impulsive decisions about our lives.

####

I returned home several hours later. Anne's car was gone. I found Leah in the kitchen speaking on the phone. She ended her conversation abruptly as I entered. She ran to me and grabbed me in a tight embrace as her body shook repeatedly. She was crying. The words were muffled, but "sorry" was one that I recognized.

Her grasp made it impossible from me to return the hug. So after a few moments she released me and I took a seat at the table. It was my play now, and I steeled myself as I spoke.

"I won't ask you why you took up with Anne, because quite frankly I don't care. At this point our marriage is over."

"Noooooo," she screamed as she slumped against the counter. "Please David, don't say that. I know it's my fault and I'll do anything, ANYTHING. Just don't say that! I love you. I've always loved you and no one else. Anne was a mistake. I was feeling so lonely and I had too much too drink...it wasn't planned."

"Leah, what should I say? You cheated on me and then gave me a disease. I don't know which hurts worse: the fact that you felt no concern for me or the kids or the fact that you put my health and our family's welfare at risk. What if it had been Hepatitis C or HIV?"

She was openly crying now. It was obvious that she had not thought through any of this. She was finding it difficult to meet my gaze. So she's blaming this on booze? That's just great; this woman could barely finish a glass of wine at dinner. No, this was too much. I stared at her, searching her face to find the Leah that I had fallen in love with...that (God help me) I still loved.

"I'm going to speak with an attorney tomorrow. I'll be seeking custody of the girls and I want to keep this home for them. While I can't make you leave since this house is as much yours as mine, but it would be best if you found someplace else to live. I'll sleep in the guest room until you're gone. "

I headed for our bedroom for my things. As I reached the stairs I heard her sobbing. My heart ached. I wanted to go back and comfort her but that would have resolved nothing. She'd left me no other option.

####

Leah sat impassive during all of the divorce proceedings, even when evidence of her adultery was presented. I wanted to spare her and our families the reason for the divorce, but my desire for custody forced the disclosures. Without her contesting any of my allegations, the master approved all of my requests. I was awarded the house, full custody of the children and child support. I found that whatever anger I had was now gone.

I spoke to Leah several days later and offered her access to the children as often as she wanted. She thanked me for calling as she was worried that I might ask for supervised visits. I assured her I had no intent of ever doing that and she seemed relieved.

She settled into a routine of visiting the children weekly and calling them almost every evening. After several months of this I received a notice in the mail for a child support hearing. Leah was petitioning for a reduction. She called me later that night.

"David I assume that you gotten the notice for the hearing?"

"Yes, and quite frankly I'm surprised. This is money for the girls so I'm going to fight you on this"

"I don't want to make this permanent David. I want to defer some of the payments while get my finances in order. I'm asking to reduce the payments by a third for the next 6 months and then return to the original order and pay the arrearages. Don't you trust me?

"Trust her?" I said chuckling to myself. But I didn't want to argue plus she was always scrupulously honest about money --- so I agreed to support her at the hearing. The reduction was granted.

Leah started to visit the children for at least an hour almost every evening. I thought this a bit odd and wondered how she could be here if she were still flying. However, it was none of my business so that thought quickly passed.

Around this same time I started to date. I met my dates in neutral settings at restaurants or theatres. I wanted to avoid introducing any new women in my children's lives unless the relationship was serious.

On nights I entertained I would arrive home to discharge the sitter after Leah had left. It was predictable that sometimes she was there when I arrived. We were civil but those encounters were awkward.

My dating life proved uneventful. I went out with women from the office, employees of clients, and friends of friends. I rarely saw any woman more than once. They were pleasant for the most part but there were no "sparks." So about six months after my divorce I decided to withdraw from dating.

Leah was still coming over every evening. So it seemed appropriate one night to ask her to stay and have dinner with us. She was both surprised and pleased at the offer. I thought I saw her begin to tear up before accepting. I then made her an open invitation and she stayed for dinner almost every night thereafter.

One evening I began to closely observe her. She was talking with Angela, explaining something about school. Amanda joined in and suddenly all three of them were enjoying a good laugh. It was a comforting sight seeing all of them so happy. I wanted to say something to Leah, to thank her for being here, but I could not find my voice.

I slept uneasily that night. What was Leah trying to do? Why did we now see her more often then before the divorce? Was this a ploy to get back into my life by ingratiating herself to the children? Was she stalking me? Did I want her back? I had to get answers from her. It might mean us seeing her less, but I had to know.

The next night after dinner I asked Angela to read a story to her sister, then motioned Leah towards a seat in the living room.

"Leah, I want to thank you for being here for the girls. But you don't need to visit quite so often."

"You don't want me here?," she said with a sad voice.

"No, it's not that. Actually, if I'm honest with myself I very much want you here. But you can't keep this up indefinitely.

"Why not? Isn't this what you've always wanted?"

"We're divorced Leah. I have no right to such a commitment of your time. Sooner or later you'll have another relationship and..."

"No I won't," she interrupted.

"Yes you will. I'm surprised that you are still unattached"

"But I'm not unattached. "

I briefly turned away. I was getting exasperated by where this conversation was going. Now she tells me she's not unattached. What game was this? Whatever, it was, I was not going to play.

When I turned back to her she had moved next to me on the couch and placed her hand upon mine.

"I'm attached to you..." she said softly.

Then she kissed me. It took me a moment before I felt myself kissing her back. She sighed into my mouth as I drew her close. My hands were busy exploring her back and the sides of her breasts and then I settled on one massaging it through her sweater.

I moved backwards and she followed, her body molding itself on top of me. I slid my hand under her sweater. She shifted her weight as she began slowly grinding into my crotch. As I reached the edge of her bra I felt a light tapping on the top of my head.

I knew that touch. It was the feel of small fingers.

"Daddy..."

Caught! I turned my head to find Amanda's face within an inch of my own. Temporarily startled my body jerked as Leah quickly pushed off me adjusting her sweater as she sat up. "Yes, Mandy" I replied as I untangled myself, careful to avoid falling onto the floor.

My youngest stood there, holding her notebook. Her eyes blinked over to her mom and she started smiling. "I can't find my pencil sharpener and Angie won't let me borrow hers," she said.

Releasing a long held breadth I assured her that I had one she could use, and to tell her sister that I would be up to see her about not letting her borrow hers.

When Amanda left. I looked over at Leah. "We need to talk."

Leah nodded. "I have time. I'll wait until you've finished with them."

When I returned, Leah was in the kitchen sitting at the table with her hands folded under her chin. For the first time since before our divorce we talked about us.

She described her time with Anne. She was feeling alone and angry at me for involving our families and friends in our personal business. She was already feeling guilty for not being at home more often. Why couldn't she and I work it out? She confided all of this to Anne. In fact, this had been their main topic of conversations for months.

According to Anne I was a selfish bastard who patronized her career. I wanted her as a docile housewife. This was not a marriage of equals, in fact, it wasn't even a marriage. Men were always pulling this crap. I was no different.