Phunny MunnybyCal Y. Pygia©
Bush started it, and Obama, apparently, intends to finish it.
"It" refers to American capitalism or the American economy, which mean pretty much the same thing, or to the American way, which is synonymous as well.
As anyone knows who lives in America (or elsewhere), the American economy is in a shambles. People everywhere are upside down in their cars, their homes, and their investments. In fact, the whole fucking world is topsy-turvy since the U. S. of A. has gone socialistic.
Because of the "bail-out plans" of Bush and Osama (one's a Republican and the other's a Democrat, remember, come election time), Americans (except for Bush, Obama, and the U. S. Congress), are in deep financial shit. The country teeters (and totters) upon the brink of financial disaster. And things will get worse, many predict, when the tsunami of approaching inflation arrives, which will be sooner, rather than later.
Plus, no one, not even the Chinese, to whom we owe our own, our children's, our grandchildren's, and our great-grandchildren's souls, wants anything to do with the American dollar. Everyone's thinking about making the yen the world's currency.
But I wouldn't remind you of the doom and gloom we're in if, unlike Congress, I didn't have a solution. I do.
I have a plan.
A plan to save the nation.
More importantly, a plan to save your ass.
A way to make the world want--indeed, crave--our currency again.
Obama, wrong about almost everything else, is right about one thing. American dollars have too many dead white men's faces on them: George Washington (one), Abraham Lincoln (five), Andrew Jackson (twenty), Ulysses S. Grant (fifty), Benjamin Franklin (hundred), William McKinley (five hundred), Grover Cleveland (thousand), James Madison (five thousand), and Salmon P. Chase (ten thousand).
The same is true with regard to coins: Abraham Lincoln (penny), Thomas Jefferson (nickel), Franklin Roosevelt (dime), George Washington (quarter), John F. Kennedy or Susan B. Anthony (two bits).
Obama's right about something else, too: he doesn't look like any of the dead white men on these bills, probably because he's not dead yet (as far as can be determined).
The backs of bills and coins are equally boring and unimaginative, showing stuff like eagles and arrows, memorials, presidential homes, lame paintings, and other sad, stupid shit. America is multicultural now, and nobody gives a damn, even in the U. S. of A., about dead white men or American history and culture. If Americans and illegal immigrants don't care about what's printed on the faces and backsides of bills or stamped into the heads and tails of coins, why would the People's Republic of China (our nation's banker) or any other foreign state? It's getting so that even coin collectors are after coins minted in Beijing, instead of in Denver.
Okay, so here's my plan, the solution to America's financial catastrophe and a way to make U. S. currency popular again, worldwide, as it was pre-Bush and pre-Obama.
Get those damned dead white men off the front of our bills!
Replace them with live girls (and, maybe, a few dead ones)!
That's right, put pictures of scantily clad bimbos on ones, fives, tens, twenties, and higher denominations, and watch Americans clamor for more money. On the backsides of the bills, put the backsides of the bimbos on the front sides. Hell, even their signatures, as autographs, will be in demand!
You and I may disagree as to whose picture should go on which bill and how much nudity should be shown on a one-dollar bill as opposed to a ten-thousand dollar bill (this is America, after all, where we're free to be you and me and to agree to disagree), but those are details that can be worked out in Congressional financial subcommittees (although we'll have to keep a tight leash on Barney Frank, who, no doubt, will want to put his boyfriends on our dollar bills and maybe show not only nudity but vile and disgusting homosexual acts).
We can even keep the one good idea that Congress has had, with respect to money, which is to "commemorate" the most revered tits and ass on the lower bills and the less honored pussy on dollars with higher denominations, the thought being that we revere more by admiring more often. However, I don't think being dead should necessarily be a criterion in choosing our currency's playmates. With these thoughts in mind, here's my own thoughts on the matter, to start the debate rolling.
$1 = Marilyn Monroe (no argument here, I'd think, except from Barney Frank, who might prefer Rock Hudson)
$ 5 = Elizabeth Taylor
$10 = Jane Mansfield
$20 = Pamela Anderson
$ 50 = Nicole Kidman
$ 100 = Halle Berry
$ 500 = Charisma Carpenter
$1,000 = Maria Carey
$5,000 = Sarah Michelle Gellar
$10,000 = Caroline Cossey (or maybe Jennifer Lopez)
That looks pretty much like a cross-section of America, with whites, lots of Jews, some token blacks, and a Hispanic or a transsexual (depending on whether we went with Lopez, the transsexual, or Cossey, the Hispanic chick).
For the coins, we could honor lesser luminaries:
Penny = Charlize Theron (or maybe Vivien Leigh)
Nickel = Catherine Zeta-Jones
Dime = Heather Locklear
Quarter = Betty Page (or maybe Sarah Palin)
Two bits = Alyson Hannigan
(Locklear adds a Native American to the list.)
Likewise (notice to Marilyn Monroe's family and to Charlize Theron or maybe Vivien Leigh's family), full nudity should definitely appear on the one-dollar bill and the penny. As the bills' and coins' denominations increase, nudity would decrease proportionately until, when we get to $10,000 (Cossey or Lopez) and the fifty-cent piece (pun intended) (Alyson Hannigan), the chicks would be completely dressed. (No one really wants to see Cossey, Lopez, or Hannigan naked, anyway. They have cute faces, but their bods aren't all that hot: Cosey has a big ass, Lopez has a dick, and Hannigan is bosom challenged.) What goes on the backsides? The same celebrities' delightful derrieres!
Anyway, those are my picks. Whether you agree with them, or, like Barney Frank, you'd prefer naked faggots on your currency, I think you'll agree that, by pimping nude and partially nude celebrities, we can reignite interest in our nation's currency. People everywhere will want to get their hands on a Monroe, an Anderson, or a Berry, and numismatists the world over will want to pinch a Theron or a Leigh.
My plan for printing even more phunny munny will not only get us out of this terrible depression or recession or whatever the hell it is that's ruining our lives, financially and otherwise, but it will also create jobs--millions of them--as red-blooded, all-American men (and some women) rush to mints in Philadelphia, Denver, San Francisco, West Point, Charlotte, Carson City, Dahlonega, and New Orleans, and to printing presses in Washington, D. C., to stamp out and print trillions and trillions of additional coins and dollars, flooding the world with yet another tsunami of phunny munny. This currency won't be any more supported by gold (or even silver) than the current flood of cash, but it will be supported by something way more valuable and appealing--American tits and ass! Surely, in all the world, there's no vagina finer than red-white-and-blue, all American twat!
Obama will still be right about one thing, though, if we adopt my proposal. He won't look like any of the pictures on American dollar bills (or coins, for that matter).