tagHumor & SatirePregnant Puzzle

Pregnant Puzzle

byvargas111©

As a prolific pusher of published porn with a pronounced penchant for plotting procreation, Homer Vargas regularly receives readers' requests for recommendations.

Dear Dr. Vargas,

My super heroine girlfriend is pregnant for the first time. [Amazing photo attached to original letter, too bad you all cannot see it.] It wasn't easy I'll tell you. I finally had to use the [superheroine's weakness which cannot be revealed without disclosing her identity] on her. From then on, she was a real sex kitten, just couldn't get enough. At first she begged me not to get her pregnant, but when I made it clear that was the only way she could keep getting fucked, there was nothing she could do but count the days until her missed period. For the last month or so she has been getting all the usual cravings (pickles by the barrel and pistachio-prune ice cream by the gallon) and is happily knitting little pink booties -- TWO SETS!

Of course I'm overjoyed, seeing her waddle around the house with that big smooth tummy filled to bursting, her tits ballooned up to 38EEE's at least, and a dumb, adoring expression on her face when she looks at me. Of course, the pregnancy has made her even hornier. She has me doing her doggie style most of the time, "practicing" for when she REALLY gets big. I've bought her a heavy-duty vibrator to use while I'm recovering from one of her rut sessions. That sucker draws more power than the A/C on an August day and blows the fuses right and left, but otherwise she'd go crazy or fuck me to death.

The only problem is, she is asking how soon after she gives birth she can go back to fighting crime? Dr Luthor, her OB-GYN, just smirks evilly and says ask me.

Just Perplexed

Dear Just,

First, congratulation for nailing one of those superheroines. I don't think those sexy bitches realized how much frustration they cause fourteen year old boys of all ages flying around and fighting and getting tied up and chloroformed while wearing those skimpy little outfits. Millions of "fans" will thank you for taking another one out of circulation with a large, timely delivery of male semen into her fertile twat! Second, I'm so glad you posed this timely question. It's one that I've been getting more and more frequently in recent years as a number of superheroines (and supervillainesses) from the early comic book days are starting to hear the tick of the biological clock. I'm not detracting from your cleverness in knocking up your new gf, but her body was obviously telling her it was time to slow down and become a Mommy. Yours was the lucky prick.

Normally it's easier for supervillainesses to combine a career in crime with rearing a family, as they have henchmen henchwenches to carry out their evil schemes. I know of one whose name, very appropriately, rhymes with "Fatwoman," who seduced and moved in with an erstwhile hero who she keeps so well fucked he hasn't left the house in years. Now she lives in semi retirement, popping out one or two pointy eared babies every year for her hopelessly devoted lover to take care of while managing her crime empire from his cave beneath the spacious Wayne Mansion.

Superheroines, on the other hand, have to do all the crime fighting, fiendish conspiracy foiling, and world saving themselves. (Apparently, though you just can't GOOD help nowadays, you CAN get evil help.)

Another consideration is how long it will take her to regain her figure. Your girlfriend seems typical of many superheriones who, having remained impossibly slim for years, take advantage of "eating for two" to really pig out. (Pistachio-prune ice cream? Dios Mio!) If you can get her to put on 50-60 pounds, that would take quite a while to work off, especially if you insist she stay in bed eat well, and get lots of sleep while nursing her liter.

Further, you need to bear in mind just WHAT is growing in there. Although supervillainesses tend to have "happy accidents" with hunky henchmen or occasionally with a lucky superhero and therefore to get knocked up with human or humanoid babies, superheroines, in my experience, are likely to turn up impregnated by the darndest assortment of trans-genetic plantamals, extra-terrestrials, or mutant life forms. No telling how many little mouths or suckers she'll have to feed even if there were only two offspring.

Also, whereas supervillainesses have only one kitten or sprout at a time, almost inevitably your superheroines are so super-fertile; they wind up pregnant with two, three or four the first time a male penis (or proboscis or tentacle) penetrates her treasure and pumps her full of semen (or it's seed or ichor). From the looks of your girlfriend at just four months, I think you should consider yourself lucky; this one (Wonder why the woman seems so familiar?) looks like she could be carrying quints at the least.

In addition to the number and species of the babies your lover is going to pop, weight gain, and her ability to delegate her crime-fighting or crime-committing tasks to others, a superheroine or supervillainess also has to take into account how long she intends to nurse her brood. I would naturally like to have a face-to-face (or, better, a mouth-to-hooter) interview with your girlfriend before advising, but again, judging from the mammaries on your SO, I'd say she's likely to be making milk by the quart for a couple of years. Have you considered a home dairy business as a sideline?

Finally, and most important, how soon after this first blessed event do you expect to have her "in a family way" again (or for the first time if someone or someTHING else slipped this first one in ahead of you)? Here let me offer a word of advice: ASAP. If those superpowers are worth anything, her pussy should be ready to fuck by the time you bring her home from the hospital. Try to make sure she never has another period. Your girlfriend looks sexy enough for at least twenty or thirty years of regular baby making, so go for it! I know that these superheroine types often harbor desires to continue their careers whereas you, as a normal, healthy male, would like to keep her barefoot, pregnant, and chained to the stove. I suggest you compromise. Keep her pregnant and chained to the stove alright, but jolly her along by letting her continue to wear her sexy, if increasingly over-stretched, superheroine costume with those kinky high heels.

In my experience, after the first six or eight babies, even superheroines get too busy taking them to nursery school, check-ups at the pediatrician, morning kindergarten, soccer practice, ballet lessons while cooking and keeping house for you to THINK about crime fighting. There is a danger, however, that being kept so busy with child care may put a dent in even her super-powered libido, as happens unfortunately with mortal women. She may even try to avoid repeated pregnancies. For these cases you should resort to your supply of Kryptonite, or a magic lasso, or whatever her secret weakness is, to reassert your right to preg her again if she gets ideas.

Hope this helps.

Dr. Homer Vargas

Comments, please, to Homer Vargas.

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