Questions About LiteroticabyBOSTONFICTIONWRITER©
Since, I have been writing on Literotica, now, for five months, I am taking this moment to review my Literotica experience and in reviewing my experience, I have some questions and have written this essay in the hopes that those who write and/or who read the erotic stories posted here can help me with answers. Numbered below, I have written several questions and have included some plausible answers that I imagine as being the correct answers. If anyone has answers to my really important questions, please feel free to leave a public comment. Pardon me for one second, please.
"No, please, can you just give me a few more minutes before you put the straightjacket back on and lock me away in the rubber room, again. I just want to finish this one essay, er letter that I am writing to, Literotica, uhm, I mean my dying mother."
Sorry, that was just, uhm, the newspaperman collecting.
"Yeah, thanks for not throwing the newspaper on the roof, this time."
Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah...
1. Why do we write and read stories on Literotica when most of us are not typically the perverted, pornography surfing type but are hard working family people, maybe even some who of us are religious and regularly attend church? Not that perverted, pornography surfing types of people cannot be hard working family people and/or religious. You know what I mean.
"My husband, I am so proud of him. Instead of going out to bars, picking up women, and staying out late, he stays at home and is upstairs on the computer reading, writing, and improving his mind," said the happily married, forty-something year old wife of her husband, an accountant.
"Really? That's great. I wish my husband would improve his mind like that. When he is not out getting drunk at the bar, he is at the strip club, and when he stays home he surfs the net for pornography," said her jealous friend who just bailed her husband out of jail for peeing in public and exposing himself to passing women.
"Oh, not my husband, matter of fact, he even reads and writes poetry that he submits to some literature site hoping to win some money for our children's college education."
"Is he any good? Can I read some of his submissions?"
"I'll ask him. Honey, when can I read one of the stories that you have written?"
"Uhm, not now, Baby, maybe after we are divorced."
2. Why, when we tell someone that we are a writer, albeit a writer on Literotica, do we get embarrassed when they ask us what we write?
"A writer, huh?" My old classmate, Gary, from high school looked at me with a suspicious eye. "Wow, no kidding."
"Yep, I returned to school and earned my bachelor's degree from Northeastern University in English with dual minors in Writing and Literature. Then, I attended Emerson College for two years and earned my MFA."
"I'm impressed, Freddie. So, have you been writing long?"
"Nah, I just started. I've only been writing since January but have already submitted more than 80 stories and 47 poems."
"You write poetry, too? That's awesome."
"Yeah, I enter the contests that they have on this site but I haven't won one, yet. But, I did receive a green E, an Editor's Choice endorsement, for one of my stories, Celebrities: Insert Name."
"I am so proud of you for turning your life around. Now, I feel like the fool for believing that you were still the same loser that you were in high school. Back then, we all figured the only thing that you would win is a permanent place on the sex offender's list. We even took a poll of when you would be arrested and for which sex crimes against women that you would be arrested. Boy, you were really perverted."
"Well, you know, people change," Proud of my academic success, I smiled and said "And now that I have a Master's degree—"
"So, tell me, what do you write?"
"Hey, look at the time. I have to go. Nice talking to you."
"Freddie, just give me the name of the web site."
3. Why do we think that our stories are going to be the best stories ever on Literotica before we submit them?
"Geez, this story is the best story that I have ever written. I cannot wait to submit it to Literotica. Actually, I bet that I could get this published and that they could make a movie from this story. I can see myself now, dressed in a black tuxedo, no a green tuxedo to go with my green E that I wear to the Oscar's. Maybe, I'll see if Hilary Duff or Cameron Diaz will accompany as my escort. Maybe, once they discover that I wrote the award winning box office bonanza movie, Sex Crazed, they'll finally answer one of the hundreds of fan letters and e-mails that I've been sending her all these years. I can just see it all now..."
"And the Oscar for the best screenplay made from an original, albeit story posted on Literotica, Sex Crazed, goes to...Freddie!"
"Wow! I don't know what to say. I'd like to thank my mother for giving birth to me and for having sex with me later in life. I'd like to thank my dog, the only friend that I have in the world. And we need to end the war in Iraq, send our troops home, and spend our money on our own country instead of wasting our money on other countries and on people who hate us. God bless America!"
Meanwhile, back to reality and to my one furnished room with the one 40 watt light bulb that hangs from the middle of the ceiling.
"Just let me read it to myself one more time before I submit it. Wow, that is a great story. I laughed. I cried. I'm going to print out two copies of it. One copy to have it laminated and to put it in my permanent story binder and the other copy to frame and hang over my bed. I just want to read it out loud one more time, this time to the dog. Rover, come. Daddy wants to read you his story, again. Rover...Rover...I'll give you a cookie. Rover? Geez, I forgot, Rover died last year."
4. Why do we think the stories that we post on Literotica suck after reading some of the other stories that appear on Literotica?
Geez, I thought my story was really good until I posted it. Now, with a score of 1.75 and dozens of hateful comments, I should have written that she was my sister instead of my girlfriend. That one change would have made my story hot, really hot. And I should have written that she had a shaved beaver instead of having a bushy one. Oh and what if I made her a nymphomaniac, too? I'm going to write the next story about my mother, only it is difficult to write about a mom when I am an orphan. I don't even have a sister to write about. I know, I'll write the story as a piece of fiction. Only, do they allow fiction on Literotica? I know that it is supposed to be erotic literature, but nowhere does it state in the guidelines that it has to be true erotic literature. So far, all of my stories have been true accounts of my life, as are all of those really hot stories that those writers write on Literotica are true, aren't they?
5. Why do we think that we will win every contest we enter on Literotica?
Man, I just know that this story is the winner. I can feel it. I am so certain that I am going to win My Sister's Secret Sex Scandal Contest that I'm going out to celebrate and spend my contest money, as soon as I submit it.
Meanwhile, every day, I check the progress of my story chomping at the bit until the contest ends.
"Geez, my story was the first story entered. I hope no one else enters the contest and I win by default. Hmm, maybe my story is so good that I scared off the competition."
Several days, later:
"Well, I'm still doing okay and there are only a dozen stories submitted. I have a good chance at winning. My score is still fairly high."
Several more days, later:
"Geez, the bashers are tanking my score. What can I do? What can I do? I know. I'll call everyone I know who has a computer. I'll send them the links to my story so that they can vote."
The telephone rings.
"Hello, Ma, yes, it is no mistake. I sent you the link to the story to vote for it. No, nothing is true in that story. No, I did not sleep with my sister. No, I never spied on you undressing and, gross, I never saw you naked. No, I don't masturbate to the sound of your voice. No, I am not masturbating now. Geez, Ma, please don't read the story, just vote for it. Okay. Vote 5, not 1, this time. Five is the high vote and not #1. Yes, I know that it is the opposite of the voting ballots when you go to the voting polls and push out the chads. No, Ma, it's not smut. It's just, uhm, experimental writing that I have to do for school, yeah, that's it, to pass my creative writing course. So, I need for you to vote 5, okay? Bye, Ma."
The telephone rings, again.
"Hello, Father O'Malley. No, it was no mistake that I sent you the link to my story. I am sorry, please forgive me and I will say extra prayers at confession, but I am in a really tough position. You see, I entered this writing contest and I was so certain that my story would win that I already spent the prize money and now— What's that Father? You can't vote for my story because you have already entered your own story in the same contest on Literotica and are hoping to win, too, because the church needs a new furnace. You're kidding? You're not kidding? So, which story is your story? Oh, the one with Sister Mary Francis with Sister Josephine and you. Oh, my God, Father, how could you? Seriously? It is a true story? The criterion of the story, Father, was supposed to be about your sibling sister and not about a Catholic Nun, and that kind of Sister. I read that story and you are going straight to Hell, Father, straight to Hell. Oh, yeah, well, I'm not voting for your story either. I don't care if the furnace doesn't get repaired and I have to leave my coat on in church. Good-bye."
The day before the contest ends, forty-eight stories appear on the contest board and they all have received very high scores, already, from their network of friends voting for their stories and the contest closes before the bashers have had a chance to read or vote on their stories.
My story, the first story entered finishes in last place while Holy Sisters by Father O'Malley wins the contest.
6. Does anyone ever get discovered and make big money from submitting stories on Literotica?
"Ten minutes to show time, Oprah," said the stage director.
"She's not in her dressing room," said the production assistant.
"She's upstairs with Doctor Phil and Robin."
"Upstairs? Why? It's ten minutes to show time."
"They are reading Freddie's new story that was posted on Literotica today."
"Geez, I left the Jerry Springer show because he got many of his ideas for shows from that no talent hack, Freddie, and now Oprah and Doctor Phil are looking to do the same? This is crazy."
"By the way, she wants you to arrange him to fly out to Chicago from Boston. She wants to meet him in person." The production assistant leans in closer to the stage director. "Don't say anything to Stedman and/or Gayle but I think the guy turns her on with his stories."
"I heard her talking to Tyra Banks on the telephone yesterday about asking her to have a threesome with Freddie."
7. What do the owners of the Literotica site look like?
I imagine them being sisters, twin sisters, and looking like the Barbie twins, Shane and Sia. Only, I imagine them being a lot older but still looking kind of hot when you see them from a distance of about a ¼ mile. Remember that movie, Death Becomes Her with Goldie Hawn, Bruce Willis, and Meryl Streep. Well, I imagine them looking like that and having their appearance enhanced through plastic surgery and their facial image restored by special makeup that works much like Spackle.
I figure that they are virgins who never got married, have lived together all of their 80 years, and bicker constantly over which story earns a green E. I imagine them being voracious readers and loving erotic literature even though one could never imagine the words cock and pussy coming out of their mouths. I imagine them laughing at this and not banning me from writing on Literotica.