This story is dedicated to a very special woman who has rocked my life in alternate reality. These stories are true, collections of events, moments, and what might have been. I credit the fact that many of these conversations are true, the words have been breathed in my ear. I take them to a fulfillment of what may have been.
I was reviewing old emails in a secret email account, missives from a relationship with my niece that had started years and years ago. She lived with me four years and after she moved out, we kept in touch by email. But then even these ended, and all I had was this collection of old love notes.
The email added chat to their services and as I was looking, there she was online. My heart began pounding in my chest, should I? It took me no time to decide, my now wife was just in the other room getting ready for bed. I had some time, she usually let me finish up by business at the end of the day.
I initiated the chat:
Me: long time no 'see'
Rach: indeed how are you
Me: I'm doing just fine. My site said you were there
Rach: lol tattle tale
Me: yeah, who knew. Whats new?
Rach: everything, been a few years
Me: ha! you find a guy
Me: i would imagine. you rock his world
Rach: he's learning things about himself
Me: we all are. You rocked my world back in the day
Rach: hmmmm. that's why you left me?
Me: I was a fool
Rach: good reply lol. Ok i'm over it
Me: You probably have calmed down a little since then.
Rach: depends on what you mean i guess needs are different but still there
Me: I still have our old emails. Was looking at them
Rach: lol i did too until they got me in trouble
Me: what happened
Rach: i got nervous. to an outsider my sexual expression seemed too open
Me: I've kept them. A little piece of you. A little crazy
Rach: hmmmm my memory is pretty good. you made me challenge myself
Me: I made you do a lot of things
Rach: yes...you did
Me: my my my. That has to be six years ago
Me: be still my heart
Rach: no use for me then but if you insist
Me: my bad
Rach: you with Susan
Me: Still. You move
Rach: yes. went to graduate school.
Me: you were frustrated with direction and purpose when we wrote
Rach: yea life milestones unmet
Me: So when I say you found a guy, you married
Rach: no.... but if i were to leap this one would be the one
Me: wow. That says a lot.
Rach: hmmm stamina yum
Me: hahaha. Anyone with you would need stamina.
Rach: hmmmm sweet compliment thank you
Me: It was true. I remember. We were Baaaad Yum
Rach: i gain that from you its stayed with me
Me: We did connect
Rach: mission accomplished
Me: you were good at stroking my ego
Rach: not all I stroked
Me: ultimately good, you went out and got what you wanted. I was your boy toy
Rach: you say that like its a bad thing
Me: hahahha. Not bad. I do remember how utterly delectable you are.
You left me no doubt about that.
Rach: hmmm i coulda played any role you needed if needed
Me: Yes. I remember
You did my heart good, and we had what we had
Me: Not something I forget
Rach: thank you
and you know i cant forget you
i dont think i went after a boy as hard as you
i enjoyed it
Me: my heart felt like I was running
Rach: hmmmm we ran
Get me a cigarette!!
Me: I liked the heat Sigh
Me: unedited and raw you were a bit of a wild child
hmmm just horny
Me: you took horny to a whole new level
I will add another compliment, you have a wild and wonderful body under that brilliant head of yours, all tied together with pure energy. Truth.
Rach: thank you. i accept
and would never imagine insulting you by not accepting
Me: I bet you are so delectable today, yum.
Me: I'm a bad boy remember
you are just a bad good girl
you are MY bad boy
Me: I believe I touched every inch of your body
Me: And made a mess of you lol
Rach: in a way that my body was left broken and humbled
Me: I reremember. How you teased me!
Rach: you taught me how
Me: I don't think so. Other way round
Rach: gave my tease direction then.... i still love how you went in for the "kill"
Such a surprise!! I never thought my tease would get a response
Me: I was in agony, the desire, the wanting, the waiting before having. So good.
Rach: yes you my teacher
in the end.... its always temporary. and my true nature comes out
you made me want it like no body else
Me: so you built up a pretty good portfolio of a sex life then
I hope so.
I know you as a lover
Rach: you know me different then a lover
you know me without restraints
not everyone can handle what they say they can
Me: true enough. We revealed more than we ever would have
and our restraints were pretty much ALL gone
wild. You got me all heated up
Rach: hold on please
Rach: hmmm bent over too?
Me: what you do to me
mmmm, see, we can still be a little bad
Rach: Always innocent
bad would be me at your door
Rach: My panties in my purse, and sitting in your lap
Me: Oh. lecherous me
Me: going for my weakness. I have ALWAYS had a panty fetish
Rach: Hmmm. we can dream
but you like keeping your play life in its place
and thats smart
Me: yes it is
Rach: so did i
Me: But I think about it
Rach: i most certainly hope so
Rach: this one i love him
its all good, my point is
Me: It's all in the angle babe
Rach: we were intense
Me: yes we were, I WAS into you
Rach: thank you
you still made me sad though
when you went away
granted i did start to get jealous
just didn't want to lose a good thing
you were a pleasure
something just for me to enjoy
as gift to me
Me: I am sorry. It was all so intense and it overwhelmed me.
I wondered if I should keep doing it at all
Like a thunderstorm. I loved what we had
Rach: its ok
truly i do
it just made me sad
you're a rare jewel sweetheart
Me: I remember
Me: yes Life goes on
Me: Are you at work
Rach: no home
i'll have to delete this convo when we are done
you still my dirty lil secret
Me: truly. Give us half hour and we manage to be pretty bad
Oh god, what I used to do to you
Me: you gave me my first blow job
Rach: i loved teasing
Me: how demanding I was. presumptuous
Rach: you knew i like it
you knew i wanted it
you knew i would do every lil bad thing you asked and love it
i trusted you
Me: Oh god. You made it abundantly clear. god I made you wear just what I wanted
I was a pretty good bad boy
Rach: Or not wear. That weekend you took my clothes away
you were the bestest badboy a girl could want
Me: I always like being called a bad boy
the best a girl could want
Rach: bestest not a typo
Me: Ha. So, you wet babe
You know what? I'm talking to my love now on the phone
but its not him that has me achy now
hmmm. yes very wet Jimmy
Rach: lol yes
Me: so you are talking to your love now while typing
brie : yep
Rach: lololol bad boy!
you're gonna do it to me again aren't you
Me: flutter my touches all over you. I loved your kiss.
i'll be waiting
Me: I would not know where to even begin. Top or bottom?
Rach: hmmmm well say a certain woman comes to you
Me: panties in her purse?
Rach: Something like that
And gives you just five minutes
Me:!! I want to touch you so bad
Me: We start at the neck just under the ears, soft nibbles and licks. Safe and soft
You may be deleting this but I shall be tucking it away in my treasure chest of jewels
Me: filled with Rachel
Rach: lol ok. Put it in me anytime you want
Me: wrap my arms around you and hold you tight, feel your breath. Breathe.
Rach: I'd be a puddle
every one of my holes is yours
Rach: Visit me some time. i look forward to it
and if you get lost i'll understand
me of all people will understand
Me: yes How would we meet
Rach: I'll contact you
Me: Me and you babe
Me: I will seduce you
Rach: you already have
but you may again
Me: I do know some of your weaknesses
Rach: some? ha
Rach: alright darling
i need to bounce
Me: It has been so great to catch up.
Rach: it was
you know i adore you
Me: and I you. Crazy
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THIS is how the story began:
Sometime in my fourth year as a widower, I got a call from my sister Kate. She had a daughter who wanted to go to University in the States, and the college she was interested in, and accepted to, I taught at.
Congratulations were in order, but her real question came out more suddenly than I expected, "Can she live with you while there?"
I paused, neglecting to have connected the dots.
We had a back and forth on this, as I indicated the importance of a campus experience, etc. etc. but Rachel, her daughter, indicated she wanted to stay more focused on studies and feared the distraction. They were also concerned about costs. I understood these points, while still trying to wrap my head around what she was suggesting. There was a part of me, also, that would not mind having someone around. My house had been empty for too long.
As these thoughts rambled around Kate continued, "Right now, it's the only place we could agree on, what with the divorce and all. And - you can say no - but, actually she would like to come over earlier to sort of acclimate herself. Like, next summer."
"Uh. That's six months!"
"It is so important. I really need some help."
Silence. "I see."
"You remember her?"
"Yes, very smart girl. I remember."
And then I said it, "Yes. OK."
My sister closed with, "I sort of told her it would be all right, if it's OK with you. And, James, I would appreciate it if you kept me informed about her." I think she knew that came out wrong, "A little bit." She added.
"A spy," I said. I was very cognizant of parental interference in their newly adult children and as a professor disliked it immensely.
"I won't lie to you, she has been difficult, especially since the divorce; and, since Tom..." Tom, who is that? I thought to myself. But said nothing. "Just let me know if it gets too hard for you, that is what I am really trying to get to. She hasn't fully adjusted to...all the changes..."
She continued on, as I began to phase her words out altogether. There is a way my mind worked since losing my wife, that any discussions associated with difficulty, pain, complexity. I lost the ability to follow. I knew she was talking about her divorce, litigation, someone named Tom. It also made me angry. In it, there was nothing about Rachel. Only about my sister, her thoughts, wants, needs. I did not listen until she stopped talking.
"I said I'd do it, and yes I will keep you informed about Rachel."
Little did I realize.
I remembered Rachel well actually. The last time I had seen her was maybe five years ago. It was Christmas and her entire family came over from England to celebrate. My wife was still alive.
One evening in particular Rachel wanted to go to a movie, and she couldn't get her mother or father to go, and she asked me. I said I would. So my niece and I went to a movie and an arcade. It was snowing that night, not hard, but steady as it sometimes does in northern Cali.
The snow was so beautiful. Truly magical. Outside the arcade, I had a moment of youth and ran out into the parking lot and twirled around, held my mouth open looking up at the sky and ate snowflakes. The falling snow swirled around my face as if I was flying through stars. Rachel joined me, arms out and there we stood just the two of us. One of my happiest evenings.
Once in the car, we could tell how bad the snow was. The car was sliding a lot and we had to go really slow. But I didn't care, Rachel and I kept joking and talking about the movie and the arcade. It was one of the most carefree days of my life. Rachel was such an intelligent girl, a quick wit, with dark hair and large almond eyes.
The trees were covered in white and the street lights could barely compete with the white of the snow, reflected on the headlights on the car. When we got back to the house it was late and the whole house had gone to bed.
As we were walking up to the house, trying to be quiet, all of a sudden Rachel threw a snowball and hit me in the middle of the back! I responded and now we are running around throwing snow at each other, I remember laughing and how hard I tried not to laugh loud. At one point she was shoveling snow at me and I fell back into the snow which had to be six or eight inches deep, and she jumped down onto my chest continuing to shove snow over my head. I grasped her arms and held them as she straddled me, and we had this awkward moment. She was older, developing into a young woman and here we were rolling around in the snow. I looked her in the eyes, and we paused, before getting up out of the snow.
To relieve whatever tension there may have been I shoveled a bit more snow up her front, and ran to the house.
As we got to the door Rachel says to me, "You can be pretty fun."
After that, we became fast friends. After they left she emailed me a few times. Nothing particularly memorable. I responded but then it faded out, my wife got sick, and I have to say I had not even thought about her until my sister called.
I did remember her writing in one of her emails, 'I'm a lot different than the rest of my family, sort of the black sheep. My family is over serious, especially my mom.'
That all came to my mind as I hung up the phone.
Rachel Remembers and Prepares
Rachel sat in the coach seat of a transcontinental jet making the 13 hour flight to her uncles. The feelings she had at this precise moment were difficult to put into words. Chiefly, that expansive feeling of freedom. The freedom of leaving home, of striking out, of problems left behind, a sort of sense of limitlessness. But things had already turned out a little different than planned, and instead of leaving in the summer she was leaving three months earlier in spring, and leaving her school and friends behind mid-term. Or what was left of her friends anyway.
She had been in nonstop fights with her mother for well over a year, who had taken on a boyfriend now living in the house, and now they were to be married. But she had also made some stupid decisions, partly in reaction to the emotional pain of a) her father leaving, b) his absence for extended period, and c) her mothers changes. In a span of two years she had quite literally lost the home she had lived in her entire life. All this on top of things that close in on a teenage girl (who had just turned 18). Her 'bad' behaviors had led to rumors circulating in school, hurtful vicious rumors, resulting in a decidedly different treatment even by those she thought were close. The rumors centered around her becoming the class slut, odd since the year before the hurtful reproach was her as class prude. 'Rachel's name was bantered about as the one who would be voted most likely to get laid. A charge that was NOT true, but in a certain light she understood how it could be construed as true.
At any rate she was leaving all of this far behind and had a chance to, briefly at least, close out her senior year without any further torment. The bridge was being burned. But then, the prospect of briefly going to a new school in her senior year for just 3 months. The new girl, and all the risk that entails. Making real friends was more or less out of the question, and she had to keep her head low. Maybe one or two friends, but even then school would be over and everyone head to college. Her real start was not until fall of the year, her real destination was college. So, really, she also knew that boys were out of the question for now, as there was too much danger as the 'new girl' to stir up trouble and end up in the exact same position. High School is a fearful place.
She was angry at her mother for making her this way, angry she had to leave early, angry at her father for working in Kenya and Egypt. She was also worried about her overactive libido, which was getting her in the trouble spots she was finding herself in.
And then there was her Uncle James. Doctor James. She could blame him too, in a way. But mainly for being this wonderful man she remembered who went to a movie with her, played arcades, laughed, and on whose chest she had sat and briefly looked deep in his eyes, struck by his sweetness, his corny openness. His smile and eyes. Always ready with the last word, challenging, bright, surprising.
After that trip she dreamed of living in the States, of going to college and being in the same city as Dr. James. She knew the college was hard to get into, she also knew she was smart, a good student, and with effort could be accepted. The plan had originally been to be near to him, but her mother was complaining about cost and this hatched the plan of living at his house!
All manner of feelings and thoughts swirled around this new reality, accentuated by the accelerated time line. She would be living with this man, knowing how much she liked older men, knowing how much she liked this particular uncle of hers. How different she was now from then. And there was also this lingering thought of how his presence, his relationship, could shield her from the loneliness of the changes she had undertaken. Shielding her from the loss of her family and friends, her new school, and keep her from any trouble with the boys. Rachel knew she was pretty, knew she would be an exotic at this school with her accent and cultural differences, her dark hair, dark eyes and dark honey chocolate skin; and as she knew, was very very weak in resisting the charms of boys.
Her body was in a constant state of heat truth be told, her libido was high. Partly having put herself under a bushel basket for too long because of the horror stories her mother had told, and her internalized fear and anger at men came from her mother which turned later into a pent up desire. She had bought the lies hook line and sinker, all so consistent with the messages of her strict religious upbringing. She had her parents to blame again.
As the cabin went dark, and a movie played silently overhead because she had not purchased the earphones, Rachel covered herself with a little blanket and began to fantasize. Not at all tired, she opened her pants and tugged them down her hips a little and slipped her hand through her neatly trimmed little bush. The woman to her left was sleeping, leaning against the window and no one would notice her now. It was a long flight and she was nervous, excited, elated really and needed to De-stress a little. Just the thing her little finger could do!!
She was imagining herself with Uncle James in the house she remembered. It was evening, they were watching a movie and she had popcorn in her lap. Sitting near him on the sofa, she would begin playing with her long dark hair, twirl it in her fingers, draw it across her lips. Flirting, giving him furtive glances. She had no pajamas, no she didn't, and so was wearing a tee shirt, or perhaps a mans shirt she had borrowed from him. Were all the buttons buttoned?