Rachel's Story

(I find it hard to believe how many women I've met that have lived with men that want them to sleep with other men. Maybe it's just that I don't hide that my ex-husband was obsessed with just that. Anyway I wanted to tell you Rachel's story.

Again I'm telling her story in the first person. I did lack some of the details so I ad-libbed. I even used some of my own life experiences to fill in the gaps but I think I have expressed her real feeling about her life with her husband pretty well. Personally I love how she fulfilled her husbands greatest fantasy.)

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Lacking that perfect opening line to my story, Charles Dickens's, 'David Copperfield' comes to mind, I'll start with a bit of an introduction. My name is Rachel, I'm 32 years old. I'm just under 5'-8" tall, weight 122 lbs. I'm blonde so excuse my moments. My eyes are blue/green. I'm pretty, maybe not movie star gorgeous but men have told me I'm beautiful, women too. I know that is partly flattery but one thing I do know, when I look in a full length mirror I like what I see. I work at the way I look, so yes I'm proud of myself. I work out almost everyday, partly because of health, mostly I like the way I feel and look when I'm in shape.

I was married at 19, a virgin, sucks doesn't it, just after my freshmen year in college. Getting married wasn't what I really wanted, I was pressured by both my boyfriend and my father, being a dutiful daughter, I did as father wished. Ten months later I had my first child, a beautiful girl. Four months later I was pregnant with my second child. At that time in my life I guess I just assumed I'd be a good Christian wife, have babies, stay home and raise them. Truthfully I didn't want to get pregnant so soon after my first child, but it is what Richard, my husband, wanted.

I had completely bought into the idea of being subservient to my husband, it was even part of our marital vows. It's the way I was brought up, my father was a born again Christian and I assumed my mother was too, she never told us differently, though thinking back I realize she didn't say much of anything about the religious part of our life, she wasn't allowed too. So you don't get the wrong idea, this wasn't some strange sect, it is a main stream Protestant Church.

Growing up my life was full of conservative, religious dogma. At home, in church, in school, even as far as the children I was allowed to play with, my father and his church controlled everything. The only person I associated with who wasn't part of the that was my half sister, Elizabeth. My father was divorced, the way he told it his ex-wife was a sinner so he had to leave her. I think if father hadn't felt so guilty about leaving his child, he wouldn't have allowed me to even see Elizabeth. Despite our age difference, five years, Liz being older, we were always very close. Even when I was little I looked forward to the weekends she'd spend with us. Summers were great because she could stay for an extended periods of time. Liz and I fought a lot about my believes and even about her mother, whom I assumed was a wicked woman. When Liz would talk about her mother it was so hard for me reconciling the woman she'd describe, warm, loving and caring, with the woman my father described.

During my second pregnancy I became very depressed, I suppose I never really recovered from the birth of my first child. With Richard never being around to confront me, Liz seemed to be my only anchor. She kept telling me that I needed some time to myself. I needed to get out of the house and have some adult company. Finally with her encouragement I signed up for a course at the local University. Knowing that Richard disapproved of me going back to school, I decided on a bible study course, taught by a woman professor. Richard, being a born again Christian couldn't object. I was wrong he did object, not about the course, he was fine with me studying the bible. I didn't tell him a woman was teaching the class, he would never have approved of that, woman were not allowed to teach much less preach. What he did object to was having to take care of our daughter the nights I'd have class. Again Liz came to my rescue, she offered to watch my daughter those nights. With that taken care of Richard gave his approval.

Class detail aren't that important for you to know but a funny thing did happened while I was in class. The professor actually taught the bible. She even made us read it. I started to realize that most of what I'd been taught wasn't even in the bible. Or if it was, it was taken out of context. Funny how men ministers can say this part of the bible, god only means men but this part of the bible where god says men he means women also. It's even funnier, that in my church none of us were even encouraged to read the bible. Not on our own, the church didn't really want us to read it. The only time we even opened a bible was when someone was there to interpret it for us.

That wasn't how my professor taught her class, we were encouraged to read and think. I started to realize that a lot of what I believed just wasn't true. I hate to say this now but I really believed that gay men, lesbians, abortionists, women who had abortions, liberals in general and anyone who supported these groups were going to bring the wrath of god on the rest of us. Even worse, I believed the bible insinuated that Blacks, Hispanics, Native Americans and Orientals were somehow inferior to those of us who were born Caucasian, sick isn't it.

The hardest part for me was realizing how sexist the bible really is. If you accept the bible as the word of god, and that it is not culturally biased, then I can not understand how any woman could remain a Jew, Muslim or Christian. If you assume that all three of those major religions teach the true word of God, unbiased by men, then I can not understand any woman not wanting to take the alternative to heaven, hell. Personally it just isn't very appealing to me being one of the seventy virgins serving some male martyr. Of course it is culturally biased it was written by humans, those humans happened to be all men, all living in societies that were culturally biased against women. Enough of my that sermon.

To use a phrase so often used by my fathers church the truth can set you free, and it did just that for me. My transformation was almost unbelievable, I guess part of that was because of Liz, she'd always filled me with ideas that I wasn't suppose to even hear. Outwardly, I had rejected her ideas but on the inside the idea that I really was equal to any man and I had my own life aside from the man I choose to be my partner were always part of my spirit, just a hidden part.

After my second daughter was born I bought all new cloths, I no longer dressed like a conservative little old lady. I started to wear jeans instead of dress slacks. I even bought some really tight short, shorts. I love sweaters, the new ones I bought were tight enough to show I really was a woman. I no longer wore dresses or skirt that looked like something a little old lady would wear, replacing them with very stylish dresses and skirts, some actually quite short. I even started to wear makeup which was a no, no for me before. I became more out going, even speaking for myself in front husband. Stood up for my believes even to my father, which of course got me disowned. When men looked I stood tall and looked them in the eyes, never bowing my head avoiding their stares, as I had in my past. Those were the outward signs of my rebellion, I suppose.

Inside I felt liberated. I had a new feeling of confidence in my abilities. A new faith in my ability to choose my own course and in helping my daughters set theirs. I felt equal to any man but at the same time more feminine then I'd ever felt. Even the way I felt about my outward self changed, I no longer felt guilty that men found me sexually attractive. I actually found I liked the idea that men looked at me not only as a woman but also as a sexual being. Where before I avoided contract with men, that weren't part of my family, I now instigated that contact. I enjoyed conversing with men, I found I could talk to them as easily as I could to another woman. I now longer feared or felt shame that I was physically attracted to some men. I realized that being attracted was just part of life. I also came to the realization that I was in control of that physical attraction, even more so then the men I was attracted to. I controlled whether that attraction went past the stage of flirtation or not.

Richard of course didn't like the new me. Though surprisingly he liked the way I started to dress. He even liked the way I was more open about sex. After I started taking the pill, I wanted sex more often, something else Richard liked. I suppose I always had a strong sex drive, I'd just repressed it. It's a wonder what not feeling guilty about making love well do for your sex life. Richard didn't even seem to mind that I talked to other men, he didn't even mind it that I'd talk about the other men I'd met. What Richard didn't like was my independence, my belief that I was his equal, that he had responsibilities for the care of our daughters, that he had equal responsibilities for the care of our home, that I felt I had the same rights to an education and career that he had but I think worse of all that I had control of my own body. When I told him I was going to have my tubes tied you could have pushed him over with a feather.

Yes, I understood his not wanting me to have my tubes tied, he of course wanted a son. But I just couldn't take being pregnant again, maybe I would have felt differently if I hadn't been forced to get pregnant so soon after my first. I guess he thought I was being unreasonable, I could have continued taking the pill longer, but it made me sick and I still worried about getting pregnant as it isn't 100% certain and I was 100% certain I didn't want to be pregnant again. It wasn't really that I had an objections to having more children, a little boy would have been wonderful, I just wasn't going to go thought being pregnant to have one.

Richard even came up with this stupid idea about having his sperm frozen and then him being cut, that way later if I changed my mind we could still have another child. I'm not even sure if that is possible but even if it is possible, it wouldn't have matter to me. I didn't want to be pregnant ever again. Richard told me that a vasectomy was as good as me having my tubes tied. That is only true if your making love only to the man who has the vasectomy. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't planning on cheating but I didn't rule that out completely either. I felt in some ways cheated, I'd never been allowed to date, Richard was my first for everything, dating, boy friend, and husband. I'd never so much as kissed another man in passion.

It really is my body, not his and absolutely not some right wing or left wing religious nuts, so I did what was right for me and had my tubes tied. One surprising effect this had was an even greater increase in my libido. I suppose being relieved of all fear of getting pregnant caused that effect. That of course was an effect that Richard liked but over time he started to resent it, I suppose no man really wants his woman to have a greater sex drive then he does. Things have a way of working out, over time I did realize that I had to sometimes just masturbate and leave Richard alone. I'm also not stupid and I realize that men like being the aggressor when it comes to sex, not all the time but men still want to be in control most of the time. I did truly love Richard so that is how it was with us, I'll admit that I sometime coaxed that along a bit.

Sex with Richard, I guess I'll get this out of the way before I continue. It wasn't what you'd call mind blowing sex, ok sex it a better description, well ok for someone who'd never had sex with anyone else. He was the only man I'd been with, so I'd have to say I was satisfied, maybe that isn't the right word tolerant would be better. None of those mind blowing orgasms, I'd heard and read about. I was hoping I'd at sometime experience them. I envied my girl friends when they'd talk about having such orgasms. Multiple orgasms, I felt only in my wildest dreams was that going to happen, again something I longed to experience. I'd be remiss in not telling you that I could and would give myself better orgasms then Richard did, but no matter how good they were, it's not the same as having someone else give you an orgasm.

Our sex was pretty routine, oral for him as much as he wanted as long as he didn't come in my month, oral for me a little, mostly rushed. I even allowed him anal sex when he so desired, not something that does much for me. Orgasms, little ones but not often. Today, I really don't think of those little orgasms as true orgasms more like a nudge to a real orgasm. Orgasms from intercourse, never, for one it never lasted long enough for me to get there and second I didn't know if I could or not. Lasted long enough is a relative thing and I don't want you to think Richard was a premature ejaculator, I just figured if it ever happened it would take a long time, a lot longer then the few minutes before Richard would ejaculate. But the truth is no matter how long it was it was never long enough for me, I'd always still be up there when he'd be done. As far as doing anything kinky we didn't, Richard just wasn't adventuresome that way. Sex in the privacy of our own bedroom was the way it was, as far as being risky like maybe at the beach, a park or in the back seat of the car, no way. If the lights got turned out before we made love it was Richard doing the turning out. Richard you see was modest, the reason for which I only discovered later. The most adventuresome he'd get was a motel room.

I don't want you to think that I felt our sex life was horrible, nothing could be further from the truth, that is just the way it was. I was not at all unhappy with the way things were. Sure I had fantasies, we all do, but most of them involved Richard, not other men. Sure I wondered what it would be like with another man, and sure I knew that he wasn't the best lover in the world. Yes there were other men I'd become attracted to, I'd fantasize about cheating on Richard but never seriously.

Maybe I was dissatisfied in the fact that Richard didn't seem to be able to make our sex life better, god knows I tried and was willing to try most anything to experience what some of my friends seemed to be experiencing. But over all I was happy with my life. I was going to college, had two beautiful intelligent daughters. Richard had adjusted to the new liberated me and seemed happy with me. Richard changed to, became much less conservative in his views, changed religions and became a Methodist. I of course had given up the church altogether. I was happy with him, I felt we were not only husband and wife but also friends.

Over time we made many friends, some mine, some his but mostly couple friends. With those we did a lot of things together, mostly because I would make plans and then invite everyone along. Over time we became a very close knit group. Went out together, partied together, played cards together, so on as so forth. We were all pretty average people other then at parties, where most of the group tended to get drunk and rather wild, Richard to. I didn't drink to much, mostly because it doesn't take to much to get me tipsy and I tend to get horny and flirty when I drank. That is the way I drink, just enough to lose my inhibitions, then drink just enough to stay that way.

My flirting with other men at parties never seemed to upset Richard, just the opposite he seem to encourage it. I'm not sure I consciously understood that, but I must have subconsciously because I took advantage of it. Becoming more and more flirtatious as time went along. To the point where, I'd allow other men to hold me really close, even rubbing myself against them as we'd dance. Sometimes if the situation was right even stealing a kiss or two, nothing real passionate but I liked the kissing. On more then one occasions I'd go home with wet panties.

Sometimes, while getting along with our lives we miss the little things. If I had been paying attention to those little hints from Richard, I'd have realized he liked the idea of me flirting with other men. The first time I even spent the night studying with a male friend, he encouraged me. That had seemed strange to me at the time, I had expected him to object to me being alone at the guys apartment. When he didn't, I just felt that he trusted me. As time went along I knew there was more to his desire for me to be around other men then his trust. He'd even invite his friends to our house and then find some excuse to leave us alone.

The more I think about that time in our life together, I realize Richard gave me lots of hints and lots of opportunities to unfaithful with other men. No hints aren't what he gave me, Richard was giving me his permission. Nothing blatant, he didn't come out and say it turned him on thinking about me having sex with someone else but it was implied enough times. I know now that I did understand that. It was just so out of character for Richard, and the thought that my husband would actually want me to be unfaithful, so perverse, that I tried to ignored it. I'm sure, the way Richard acted, had a lot to do with my flirtatious behavior, and the increase in my fantasies about doing just that, being unfaithful.

The whole situation came to a head at a party we attended. One of those earth shaking events in your life that changes everything. It surely changed me. I wouldn't say it changed Richard but it did complete the changes that seemed to be taking place within him. Most of all it changed our relationship. My feeling about my husband could never be the same. His feeling about me as his wife and the mother of his children, to one of sexual object first, wife and mother second. I believe now, that is how Richard always saw me, the sign were always there.

The party was in May, of my senior year of college just before graduation. Some friends had decided to put on a pre graduation party for me, any excuse for a party. Richard had been in a strange mood for at least six months prior to that Saturday, kind of edgy and ill tempered. Our sex life had dwindled to a point where we were lucky to have sex once a week. Affection, aside from that once a week he seemed to need sex, was non existence. Time alone with him was wasted, as soon as the girls were in bed he'd turn on the computer and spend the evening surfing the internet. I really didn't mind him being on the internet, I was on a couple of times a day, in between classes chatting at a couple of chat rooms I went to. What I did mind was him being on there all evening long, every night we were home. On the Saturday of the party he seemed even worse then normal. I even considered not going to the party at all. I decided he wasn't going to spoil my fun and I knew that Tom and Andrea would be hurt if I didn't show up for my own party.

As soon as we arrived at the party Richard deserted me, he didn't even offer to get me a drink. Ignoring the way he was acting, I started to mingle. It wasn't long before one of the men asked me to dance. It was a slow dance, I'd have to admit we did hold each other a little to closely but as I said that wasn't that unusual at these parties. About an hour later after I'd danced with a number of men, even a few of the women during the fast dances, Richard came up to me really mad, I assumed he was jealous, now I know better. Richard yelled at me about things that were totally irrational, ending by calling me some names that I don't even remember, then left the party. It was obvious to everyone how drunk he was but no one stopped him. I was shocked and hurt, so I had no desire whatsoever to stop him.